Day 763 clean and sober. I worked in detox yesterday which always triggers me badly for numerous reasons so needless to say say I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally spent after I got home. I did what works for me and that’s get to bed to give my mind time to process everything. Feeling a little better this morning. I hope everyone has an amazing day today, love you guys!!! 
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Day 6 checking in at 134 days clean of self harm! Got a barium swallow done this morning….
but then i got coffee so its okay!
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@Charlie_C Conratulations!!
@anon53116147 The Four Agreements is awesome. Take your time reading it. Then read it again. Then read the Fifth Agreement.
@Mno A bad day in Amsterdam is better than a good day in Topeka. Keep posting photos!
@Piglet86 Good morning to both of you! I wanna kiss his widdle nose!
Had a drinking dream last night. I’ve had so many of those in the last few years, I don’t even think about them any more. I know I’m not going to drink today, and that’s good. I did wake up feeling pretty grumpy. 
I wonder sometimes if I’m every going to feel that “happy, joyous and free” stuff everyone’s talking about.
I try not to feel too sorry for myself, and try to focus on what I need to do for myself that I can accomplish today. I got a lot of work to do if I’m going to be travelling in 6 weeks. 
I try to get rid of the racing thoughts without vodka, but my meds aren’t doing it. I try to remind myself that all the idiots, liars, users, and bullies from my past are only memories that I’m allowing myself to have. It’s not helping.
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@SiobhanX I think getting old is hard if you relied on attractiveness for self-esteem. Just because you aren’t getting the wolf-whistles you once did, doesn’t mean you are less worthy. Find other things about you to build up your self-esteem. My mother was a model, and aging hit her hard. That DNA did not reach me, and I resented it when younger, but as I age now, I am glad for it.
@RosaCanDo I am sorry you are feeling bad. Is it connected to Eric being away, do you think? Alone time allows things to be magnified. I am glad you are reaching out. Sending positive vibes.
@Piglet86 Kevin is gorgeous!
Day 703
My husband has made a few comments recently about the various online groups and meetings that I do, AA and Japanese study. For example, commenting I spend a lot of time on them, asking are there any men in them? Suggesting I’m tired or grumpy because I am doing them, and acting happy if I skip one. It is irritating me. I quit drinking to enjoy a fulfilling life, and these meetings are a part of that. Yes, I am tired or busy sometimes, but if I didn’t do them I would be unfulfilled. I think he wanted me to quit drinking, and be more cheerful and available to him, but for nothing else to change.
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Awe thank you Rob! It certainly feels good! Hope u have an amazing day my friend!
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I just wanted to also thank @kat261 @BrOKenWolf @misokatsu for the congratulations. I hope I didn’t miss anyone 
I always read the posts and then like then but then get distracted with other tasks around thr apartment and then forget to respond until later lol my mind gets squirrely sometimes lol I really do appreciate everyone’s likes and comments on my 5 months! Truly appreciated!
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She had blond hair, wasn’t you was it Mindy? 
Morning Check In
Day 151
Really had a rough day physically yesterday. My eating changes have caused alot of issues with my stomach and I was on the internet desperately trying to find something that would help. I dont want to give up keto but I definitly discovered how important it is to do the research before drastically changing what I eat. I think I have a solution so I will go to the store today. I also have my Dr’s appt this morning to discuss test results from my ultrasound and bloodwork. Curious to see what will come from that. Basically today is about trying to fix up my health and tweak my diet slightly so that I can continue on with my lifestyle change.
Hope everyone has an addiction free day!
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Not bad, thank you for asking! I’m pretty healthy all things considered. I had bloodwork done after my Epclusa treatment to see how my liver is doing. Considering how I’ve treated myself, I’m actually pretty healthy. Still get the aches and pains that come with being 52, but outside of some breathing, I’m pretty good.
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Day 1 here for me
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Oh, good to see you too btw!! We’re so close to 4 months!!!
I’m much better now, thanks friend.
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Thank you @JennyH @Alisa @Misokatsu @Charlie_C @anon74766472
I made a promise that I would come on here if I was having a hard time and I’m grateful I did. I appreciate this lifeline and the friends and family I have for holding me up when I am struggling. I no longer feel ashamed to ask for help and that’s huge. What does feel hard sometimes is knowing what I need in terms of help. Being able to come here and just put it out there in a nondefined way is a big help.
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Good to see back odaat
So close I can smell it 
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Me too!! Lol 
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You hit the nail on the head there. As addicts we are in constant search for something outside of ourselves whether it be a person, a drug, a new car; it doesn’t matter anything, at any cost, to fill that void we have. That is a big part of the self centeredness of active addiction is that we do it at any cost because we are driven by the obsession and compulsion of our disease. What we need to heal that emptiness is already within us though we dont need to look outside ourselves. It is a spark that just needs to be stoked and fanned so that a beautiful flame can grow. We need to be taught how to do this because it’s not natural for us to sit with ourselves, to sit in discomfort, to look within. It takes time, courage and a lot of self compassion but the end result is a life most of us couldn’t ever have imagined living.
I had also backed myself into a corner where nobody could hurt me anymore. I had so much resentment towards men, I didn’t trust women, and I hated myself. It had gotten to a point where I had given up on society. I felt like everyone was beyond fucked and nobody would ever understand me and that was ok! I just didn’t give a shit anymore. Two and a half years later I am typing this to you from such a different place. I love myself today, really love myself. I have done so much healing around a lot of things on my life. I have processed those resentments and am in a healthy relationship with a man. I have women friends who I can trust. The most important thing that I did to get here was be willing to change my perspective. With willingness I was able to attain everything else like honesty and openmindedness.
Honesty
Open-mindedness
Willingness
The most important things you can have in order to move forward. I am so glad you’re here.
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Hey, we’re on the same start time, today’s my 105 as well! Go you, go us!
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What a beautiful post. It’s honestly moved me and it was exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you.
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Day 56 - I made it to the end of the week. I’m currently lying on my bed just being as I’m so drained from the head and the emotional and physical effort of this week.
I can tell though that underneath that I am in a better place. It’s like I’ve been sinking, floundering around in the water and now my toes have touched the bottom. Just enough to know it’s there.
As I slowly gather my life back together I’m starting to wonder who am I? And more importantly who is the person I want to be. There have been times in my life where I have moulded myself into who I though I should be (which never ever works) but now I’m looking at myself and asking, what is important to you as you move forward. What are the foundations going to be on this new life you are going to live. My children are obviously a huge part of that, but what else? I want to get back to writing my book. Make some more friends locally and lean in to the hobbies I have always loved. Above all I need to accept who I am in all my geeky socially awkward glory.
One step at a time.
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