Not really feeling it Lately… just want to sleep and forget . Never went this long without drinking and feelings and life can be a lot sometimes . Sometimes I think damn I really messed myself up mentally with these years of drinking and pills . Plus the countless detoxes, Facilities, sober homes and treatments… Sometimes I feel like I’m damaged beyond repair . I’m trying to think long term . I’m trying to give this thing some time . 12 years of insane living cannot be undone but maybe I can live through my experiences … maybe I’m recovering more then I realize. But I feel like sleeping and my inner voice is beating me up and old , bad memories making my head spin. Also I know it’s not always like this. I don’t know why it’s waves and I don’t know why some weeks are bad and some are not… I’m going to push through another strange night listening to these snow storm sounds and try to calm my thoughts . Drinking is not a option.
118 days
The rain here is unrelenting. Just weeks and weeks of pouring rain. I can’t go out in nature (my happy place), I can’t start my days with a brisk walk by the water.
Really having a rough go of it. I know there are sunny, easier times to come. But it just feels really depressing and lonely without my lil dog pal.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer. Just coming on here when I can, because really I just want to drink/do something dumb to make the pain go away. I know it won’t really make it go away, but it’s normally my go to for when I’m feeling like this. Distract, numb the feelings.
Have a good one guys x
Lots on my mind and I’m not ready to talk to my family about it yet so I’m sorry but you guys have to get it.
I got a call from the VA today. I have to go in Thursday for a cat scan of my chest. I told you guys the other day they found a nodule on a lung. The doctor told me not to worry, just watch it and rescan in 3-4 months. I guess my primary dr disagreed lol. I downloaded my report on the VA health page and it described the nodule as a 1.3 cm spiculated one. That means it is highly likely to be cancer. I made the decision that I would move into a VA home so my family won’t give up everything to take care of me and witness my decline. On the other hand it could be from infection like the doctor said. Either way, I’m clean and sober and can rationally make decisions. Needed to get these words out of my brain. Sorry guys. Asking for prayers, positive vibes, harmonious balance or whatever you can send me. Will keep you updated.
I am so glad u got this off ur chest. News like this is NEVER easy and it probably will take time to process. I’m glad that ur such a strong woman and thru everything right now, u are staying true to urself. I wish I had some miracle words to make everything better for u. But u will be in my thoughts and prayers everyday
Checking in on Day 3. I feel physically well and rested. The mind still goes back to memories (or lack of memory) from last weekend so the anxiety is still there. But I want to be strong. I want to look at all the positive things in my life and work hard to keep them that way
@Lorelai its such an empty feeling not having a dog in the home. Our dog was so small but made such a big difference in our lives. I think we will adopt in the future. Our family has a lot of love to give, and the pounds here are overflowing and screaming for people to adopt a pup.
Hey, I’m sorry I never had a chance to respond to about sharing about your son. Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot to open up like that. Also I’m sorry about your eel. We’ve had so many animals and I cry so hard every time we lose them. Even my daughter’s gerbil… I was crying so hard and my daughter looked at me and said " Is it okay that I’m not as sad as you? Mom, it really is okay, she had a good life you really took care of her well"
Evening Check in Day 161
Day was good! But I’m noticing that I get antsy when I have nothing to do. This usually happens in the afternoon after I eat lunch. I’m busy alot in the morning with exercise and my recovery routine and my sons morning routine. But by the afternoon when things settle down, I start getting squirrely. I usually try to take my time cleaning or do a craft or something. My energy levels drop also in the afternoon. I almost feel like I NEED to be constantly productive in order to have a good day (which isn’t true). Idk. Anyway, things are good today. Thinking of alot of people on TS today going thru hard times. Hope everyone is having a good day/night
Day 1360.
Also 14 days without diet coke and other things I put on my list. Feeling better although the thought of a little treat is coming up now and then.
Busy weekend. Went to Sea World with the wifey yesterday. I know some people are not fans of the place, but they have some pretty cool roller coasters and rides. We had fun. Took the kiddos to the pool today. Back to the grind tomorrow. Still sober. Still fighting the good fight.
Checking in day 413 had minor car trouble hopefully tomorrow it will be fixed/ & an easy fix at that… can only hope… Other than that I crocheted most of the day… it rained on and off… now I gotta go to bed to get up early tomorrow… good night all
I hope to see you back soon Maxine. I liked you here, like many here. Did you ever had more then 90 days? For me after that period of sober life became better.
Again, hope you’re back soon!
Hey Alycia, I had to skim over your post about Pedro because I can’t deal with the thought of losing one of my darlings. They are the heart of my life. But now I read this I remember. I’m so so sorry for your loss. It’s just the worst. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I don’t know what I would do. Sending you so much love.
Good morning,
Day 4 of my final restart
I was at the doctor yesterday and I am not working for one week at least. Will go there on Monday again. My depression was coming back so badly during the last weeks at this toxic work situation.
Just staring with some strong coffee, will be followed by chia pudding with bananas.
I did a workout yesterday and will go swimming this morning. In the evening i will have a meeting with my Therapie group, we will meet outdoors in a “Biergarten”.
I am thankful to be alive!
Have a wonderful day everyone,
Julia
hope ur day is wonderful!
Evening Check in 
