Day 7 - There have been some big milestones on here since I last checked in so congrats to everyone for doing so well and to @Twizzlers and @Butterflymoonwoman for being so wonderfully supportive. I may not post often but I do read everyoneās check ins and they are a really important part of my recovery. So thanks to everyone for sharing.
Today has been busy. My son and I did a food shop, he loved being in charge of the trolley and the scanner. We then chilled out for a bit before heading to a womenās football match at the local stadium. It was the first time my kids had seen a game live so I spent a lot of time explaining the rules to them! They seemed to enjoy themselves particularly when they got to wave little paper flags!
My son then had a birthday party so we grabbed some dinner and then headed there.
Itās been a really busy day but great as there was loads of shared experiences in there. I find these days easy as there is so much going on. Itās when the days are empty that I really struggle.
No chance of that this weekend though with my son around so I am going to grab and early night before more fun tomorrow!
Hi your day sounds amazing !!
Lots of great memories and nice activities for you to really enjoy with the children.
When my children went with their dad on the weekend fri-sun I was so lost when we first broke up and it was a new thing not having my family together and when he collected them and they would drive off I was so lost, my drinking got worse then, I did not know how to sit with myself let alone for the whole weekend. I honestly felt like he was stealing my life each weekend like he was taking away everything and I didnt get used to this until I got sober and then I would use the time productively and get everything ready for th week ahead be ready on sundays for them to come home and it be nice but I really struggled with that, I felt like I lost who I was on those weekend, I was lost I didnāt know who I was.
But I can tell you you have to share them, and it does get easier and you will start to be at peace with the situation and life changes.
Itās really nice to hear that you had a great time and that you managing to get the external things for yourself sorted out.
It will get easier as it becomes more normal and your being a great father, so try not to be hard on yourself your doing well.
Trying to let you know that give it time and the time you spend apart from them will get easier for you, it took me a while to get used to it and you will too I understand how hard it is for you on those days you miss them and struggle and it can feel unmanageable.
Youāre doing so well my friend! I see that ur doing alot of really fun and memorable things with ur kids. Beautiful gift of recovery! Loved reading about how ur kids were having fun! Isnt it wonderful to be able to be present for our kids and not be occupied with alcohol/drugs in the back of our minds! Im glad ur going to have an amazing weekend. I just finished work so Iām heading home now and gonna spend time with my son n hubby. I think ur doing amazing! One day at a time!
Checking In Day 187
Heading home from work now. Was actually a really good day! I was single staffed initally but then another staff person came on, which makes it easier to support this particular client. Then the rain was beginning to come down as I left work, which was what I was hoping for. I hope it pours honestlyā¦ let me dance in the rain for once haha Feeling very grateful for my recovery as always. Still emotional but had a wonderful chat with someone on n off today thru messages. It was nice to be able to chat with her and just relate and show support to one another.
I have been pondering about what Godās purpose is for me. I definitly know that it has something to do with helping othersā¦ but have struggled with in what capacity. Then I realizedā¦ what if Iām already doing what Godās purpose is for me. What if me helping others is not just specific to one area. What if my help is sensing others needs and my gift is being able to empathize and understand. To help those that have mental health/intellectual disabilities (what I do now for a career), AND those on the street that need a helping hand, AND those that are struggling with addictions or abusive relationships or are struggling to find their way out of the sex trade, AND to be an advocate for those that need a voice, AND to basically be a shining light of hope. Seriouslyā¦ maybe Ive already discovered my purpose. I love being a cheerleader! Iāll cheer everyone on to be the best version of themselves!!! Hope u fabulous people are having an amazing day/night! Love and light!!!
Currently at my first wedding sober and I am not going to lie. Red wine is all I can smell, all I am noticing is people going back and forth for drinks and all I am grateful for is that the man I am with is drinking water with me.
I will not drink today because I am a non drinker.
Just not feeling the desire to continue with this AF life. I will, its just a feeling and where Iām at. I have been there for a few days now. Im doing the footwork to stay sober, its just my mind drifting off into the lies of remembering only the fun times i had and not remembering all the negative. I have to keep reminding myself.
Iām working every ounce of program that I follow and I know this too shall pass, just wish it would pass more quickly. It doesnāt help to live with people who drink and smoke cannabis daily with no repercussions. Guess Iām jealous also. That too will pass.
Iām glad you got you man there with ya Twinnie. 1st wedding sober? If so thatās a hellova milestone right there! Thatās bigger than being sober for a 60th birthday Im glad youāre not a drinker.
I canāt wait to read how grateful you are that you can go to weddings sober.
Tell me about it. . Sometimes it really sucks! But most of the time I feel freedom from the chains of fucking ALWAYS thinking about that next drink. Ya, this ānot feeling it.ā Will pass. It could take a few days. It comes and goes.
We got your back!
And by the way
I think youāre
Congratulations on your 85 days.
That is HUGE!!
ODAAT.
@HillbillyChris One year is incredible, kudos to you! @HoofHearted Iām just about to watch the long versionā¦
I feel like the king of procrastination
I found out that Netfilx addiction is apparently a thing. Iāve started several new shows. In addition to sense8, I also started Ozark, Altered Carbon, and Love, Death, and Robots. (BTW: sense8 is the shizzdiggity). @Staringupfromthewell Iām glad you had a great day with the kids! @Butterflymoonwoman Itās great to have purpose, isnāt it? You are gonna be great!
Day 12
Got an early start, way too early, which is apparently my new normal. Was going to go for a walk today, but nodded off again and didnāt wake up until almost 10am.
One good thing happened today. Brian, my Peer Support counselor (part of my MH team) came back from vacation. Iād lost track of time so when he knocked on my door it was like a surprise visit from an old friends.
Ordinary sober day otherwise. Take care, fam!
Day 140
Today is a good day; Iāve been working to make sure Iām aware of my own behavior and body language, making my day easier to manage with interactions at least.
Doing a couple late afternoon errands then home to do kids bedtimes, elliptical run & finish folding laundry.
Thankful for caffeine on a side note
Oh i kind of felt that last night! Passed by a strong smell of beer at a concert, wound up at a tea cafe i like that was open late. Congratulations on getting through the moment.
@Shaunda i also get tired. I live with people who drink/smoke and they have always been respectful, not even questioning when i asked them to move it. Saying that because you deserve the same from them!! Glad youre writing here and reflecting, posting like that has gotten me through a lot of feelings like that. You can do this!
I am committed to being sober. I am absolutely at risk of being 2 years sober and thinking āyou know what i can handle thisā and proceeding to ruin my life even more. But no @Dazercat put it right, it relaxes me to know the choice is made and i am done bargaining.
I am facing ego death.
My life already feels ruined and there are many doors closed on me now because of past horrible actions. but I do have a strong sense of purpose for what i can do and the direction my life will slowly take. I dont want more people hurt, I want a life worth living and for the good people im currently around to benefit from me in their life.
Fell asleep before tidying again last night so I did this morning. But I do want to get in the habit of setting the timer. So I will do that though Im not sure what will get done. I did organize a bunch of pens and have a bunch of organizing to do. The 15 minutes helps me remember more things. Reminds me of ābusy people get more doneā
Will drink tea. Stretch my painful shoulder. Get some more writing done at my desk. One day at a time. Thanks for reading and once again thank you for being the space to randomly check in when i need to, and the sense of safety that brings.
Evening Check In Day 187
Okayā¦ so im going tp apologize in advance yet again for my āverbal vomittingā. My anxiety is thru the roof due fo my sons teacher sending out a mass text to everyone about a staff member who got a positve covid test result. In 5 days my son has had a bruise on his face due to his fall and has been a close contact to a covid case. Iām feeling overwhelmed and super anxious. And Iām probably making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, but still. I had a mini hyperventilating attack earlier. Deep breathed thru it. Showered in cold water to ground myself. And I am feeling better but Iām wondering about this anxiety and how it hasnāt gotten better in the past 3 years. I was going to ask about anxiety meds this Friday at the drs but then thot I shouldnāt bcuz that may be risky. So im going to begin meditating again. Other moms responding to that mass text msg were like. āOkay thanks for the heads upā. And hereās me freaking the fu<k out bcuz I donāt want to be in hospital for a week again or have my son go thru that. Like wtf is wrong with me. My anxiety has gotten so bad
Let it out Dana. Let it all out. Look what youāre learning. Meditation, deep breathing, gratitude, letting it out here. You are doing so great learning how to cope with this shit kind of shit while youāre clean and sober. Itās so hard to keep cool when your kids are involved. You are so much strong than all those other moms. They donāt know what itās like to be 187 days clean and sober and fighting for your life every fucking day. You are so much stronger than them.
Congratulations on that beautiful number and thinking through and doing the next right thing.
Iām so proud of you.
Personally I prefer the hot hot showers but you do you
Keep up the great work lovely lady. big hug
Thank you Eric soo much. I needed that validation. I feel like ive been on some crazy messed up emotional rollercoaster ride for probably a week now. I go from high to low to anxious wayyyy too quickly. Almost like a light switch being turned on n off. I donāt like it one bit. I do need some help with medication and Iām working on finding that balance but I can not rely on meds alone to help me. I need other skills to help me also.
I actually thot of u when i thought of getting back into meditation bcuz it has always helped u thru some really tough, tough times. And I feel inspired by that to maybe have it help me too. Thank you Eric for your support. That means alot!! Hope ur doing well
I understand how hard it is for you on those days you miss them and struggle and it can feel unmanageable.
Im glad youāre not a drinker.
. Sometimes it really sucks! But most of the time I feel freedom from the chains of fucking ALWAYS thinking about that next drink. Ya, this ānot feeling it.ā Will pass. It could take a few days. It comes and goes.
Evening Check In 
