Great self awareness Mike. I am sorry to hear about your peer being offered drugs. Here are a couple of tools that I used when doing my first set of steps you might find them helpful when trying to name feelings or principles. Thought I would share. Keep up the good work, you’re doing it. ODAAT. 
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Welcome back. Today can be the last time you write that… its your choice. I am glad youre here with us.
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This evening I also feel like I’m about to have a relapse again. It’s not my first attempt… It’s about the 20th attempt this year. The longest time sober was 7 weeks.
It is not easy and I think most of us are used to this fucking day 1 feeling. But it’s also natural, it’s part of addiction. Just as natural that many make it!! Odaat!
I am hardly struggling, but I am trying split screen method now and maybe take a short bike ride. Or just sleep.
I have another problem coming along with my cravings… It is thinking about getting in contact with a man I had a relationship with for nine months… A fucking undefined friendship plus thing 
He is borderliner and has various addiction problems. We had intelligent and intense conversations, but we also always drank!! I couldn’t sleep next to him for a minute and when I left I always cried, sometimes already in the floor, at least in my car… The contact has been broken off and blocked for 3 weeks. And I am STILL thinking about getting back in contact with this person. It’s crazy, like the alcohol! He tried to call last Friday.
I think its deep experiences of childhood drama, that i want to repeat again and again with these behaviors. If nothing like this happens, it feels like I am getting bored or it is feeling unfamiliar.
Sorry for this long post 
…
It helps reflecting things in another language,
still hope my English is not that bad 
Love and Peace to all of you 
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Thank you 
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No need to apologize for the long post girl. This is very great self awareness I think. My long time ago sponsor told me that I am a child of chaos. Meaning I am the one usually creating this chaos in my life… no one else. I am very used to the struggle and when things go good for a change, I tend to find ways to mess that up lol idk if u can relate to that but ur post reminded me of that a bit. Relationships can definitly be addictive. And these things don’t even have to make us feel good for them to be addictive. There could be underlying issues also like u mentioned that is pulling u back towards this man who definitly sounds unhealthy. I was definitly “addicted” to my ex who was abusive to me. Even when I charged him and he went to jail, I had that pull to contact him when he got out even tho there was a restraining order in place. I really had to look at WHY? What am I getting out of this relationship that is creating that pull to go back. For me it was protection as well as attention (even if it was negative attention, it was still attention). Do you know what it is that you are getting out of this “relationship”? Maybe discovering that will help to answer some things for u idk just a thought
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Thank you . I’m excited as well . Going back to school is seriously not going to be easy but it’s worth a try . It feels good to have some direction and a plan. Something to work for . I’m never gave myself a real chance to succeed till now . Thanks for reaching out . Hope you have a good day 
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Thank you so much and thanks for understanding and sharing your story!!!
I will really ask myself this question.
Thanks for inspiring!
And I will go to bed sober today, again.
Starting day 11 fressssh with Yoga, Meditation and swimming tomorrow 
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I am SO happy to hear about u gaining another day under ur belt all we have to do is stay clean and sober fior 24 hours at a time
Congrats on 9 months dude, that’s huge! Keep on ODAAT
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Checking in on day 2
The last few weeks have been bumpy, I started playing with fire again, and got burnt…
A big thank you goes out to @anon74766472, thanks for checking in on me 3 days ago, it gave me the motivation to get back on track! Thx Franzi! 
Today I had a good day; lane swimming in the morning, breakfast in town, 3 hours sunbathing + swimming at the pool in the afternoon and reading a new book, plus I finally got back at the monthly workout challenge and burpee challenge! Guess I’m gonna sleep like a baby tonight! 
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Thank you. Freedom!!!
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Thank you
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Thanks @BrianP and @Lorelai, I really appreciate the support. I’ve always suffered with my mental health and I honestly think I need to work on how to accept and work through negative emotions.
Anxiety is a big thing for me. I seem to live with a high base level of anxiety that is constantly there. I am constantly working hard not to let people down, setting unrealistic expectations or setting no expectations at all and being hard on myself when something goes wrong. There is also a massive fear of rejection that I have lived with for years.
I’ve been trying to quit porn for about 4 years now, with periods that have been more successful than others. Tonight I watched a brilliant webinar that was recommended to me on this site by @Liljelly . It was by Sara Brewster and it has really changed my perspective. Particularly on failure.
I need to be kinder to myself and look how far I have come since I first started to try and free myself from Porn. To recognise the triggers (which are inevitably uncomfortable and negative feelings and learn to be present with them) and sit with them, rather than try and avoid them. I have spent so long trying to fight this using willpower. I have spent even longer avoiding negative emotions. It was only when I came to this site that I really started to do some work on freeing myself from this. I am going to keep doing the work and be kinder to myself along the way.
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Checking in
Day 168
Went out today to get some supplies for a dreamcatcher I’m making. While out I stopped at the $ store for a few things. The cashier at the $ store looked like a taller version of my old drug dealer and it completely threw me off guard. Then I take the train back downtown and I’m heading to another store to pick up something. I stopped at the light and was waiting to cross when some guy was waving in my direcrion from across the street. I literally dont knoe many people here in Calgary so I really didnt think that the wave was for me. I crossed the street and went to the store. As Im paying for my items, this guy starts talking to me and its one of my exs from back home (not the abusive one but he is a whole other story that I wont get into lol)!! It shocked me to see him but I’m so proud of myself bcuz I was polite but kept it to a very brief talk. I wished him a good day and left. Now in the past, I would’ve chatted with him to catch up and lingered around to chat bcuz I would’ve felt like I needed to be nice. But I don’t owe anyone anything. I was polite but didn’t bother to chat. I felt like I stayed true to myself and didn’t engage in people pleasing today.
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I’m really pleased with 7 days so far and will be giving myself a small reward tomorrow. I shall be be going to the bookshop and choosing my next read.
Hope you are all doing well. 
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I found it, I thought I was going crazy. I wasn’t, you did say 99 was yesterday. So in case I missed a newer post… CONGRATULATIONS ON 
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Congratulations 
!!
That’s a good share, good reminder for many of us. Thanks Dana! 
Got to agree with LMC - you’ve got this. Just don’t give up and you’ll reach your goals eventually
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Oh sweetie, what a profound day you had. As hard as it was for you I hope you also recognize the massive growth you had. You are right. You can’t save her. Especially when you are drowning too and not getting one iota of support or respect from her. I wish I could hug the pain away. I’m very proud of the steps you took for your boundaries and safety. Just think, you found unexpected compassion at a depth you didn’t know existed with your friend. So I would say that despite the dark clouds that lay over your day some exceptional rays of light came through. Hold your head high.
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