Today i feel like the sadness cartoon from Inside Out. My world view is skewed. I want a cookie for going to work when i really wanted to call in and sleep all day. I know not everyday will feel like this just sucks when you are going thru it. Hoping this is a brief depressive episode.
Today the cravings to get drunk are strong. Going to an AA meeting tonight. Just observing the desire to “escape”. I know it wont help. I wont drink. Just an observation.
127 days 
Grateful. Doing 78 hobbies at once.
Have a great day everyone.
I was happy to hear about the piano Alycia. I love music. Music is a ladder for the soul.
How are you feeling these days? Are you feeling some overwhelm?
Day 151
So tired. Staying up to watercolor and put clothes in the dryer. Ive been painting all day but these are very different types of paint.
with the absolute grief and rage that never really goes away, i am lonely. And a lot of that is on me.
who the fuck am i to be unpleasant and unkind. I have cold water and my own room. A parent that has shown up for me and loving people in my life. I have so much to be grateful for.
Therapy tomorrow. Grateful. Need to pack a change of clothes because its after work. Errands. Money problems. Move.
Thanks for reading.
Hello friends. Checking in on day 418. I rode my bike down to the beach today and met my family there. It was a lovely afternoon. Days are plugging along. I am grateful to be sober today. Hoping to go to bed early tonight, let’s see if the kids allow it. 
I really appreciate your response and words of wisdom, feel little less alone knowing i got y’all! But honestly I want an outside perspective from someone who gets both sides of the story, so they can explain to me why this woman is acting this way. It’s not normal… but anyways I hope everyone is staying sober and having a wonderful day !
Tonight will be day 155 of no self harm.
Tonight I won’t be talking to my friends for the first time since I broke up with my now ex gf. I have the option to reach out if I really need it but my best friend is at work and the other friend I’m closest to is sick. If I need to talk to someone tonight I have the option, just not hanging out is all.
Work was fine until the last 2 hours or so of the day. We had to start doing these equations on partial month charges for customer phone bills. We spent about an hour trying to figure out these super complicated equations, and then our trainer told us that the bill actually does the math automatically, he just wants us to know how to break it down. Eventually we had a worksheet where we had to do the math and figure out the bills on some examples. My trainer noticed that I had been talking about how confused I was, and then all of a sudden I went quiet. This was because I had given up on the math after he told us that it wasn’t necessary. Math is not my forte. He called on me to answer the next question, and I admitted that I had given up because I was really frustrated. He then made me solve the equation and share my screen with the class, knowing I was lost. It took me a minute, but I managed to get it right. It was just really humiliating and I actually almost cried on camera. And then even after I answered the question correctly, he called on me again a little while later to make sure that I was listening. I know that he didn’t mean anything by it, and it wasn’t necessarily rude, it was just extremely embarrassing.
Part of my issue with food, is that I have tried very few foods in my life, and even if it is something I like, I get really nervous even trying a different brand or a different preparation of the meal. For example, I feel okay eating McDonald’s burgers, but I get really nervous trying any other burger. Today I tried some chicken patties from walmart, which I usually only eat from Wendy’s. They were actually pretty good. I know that it sounds dumb, but trying new foods gives me extreme anxiety and I have the palate of a toddler. I used to have panic attacks when my parents would try to get me to eat new foods, so trying even the slightest new thing is a big deal for me. It will definitely also help having a meal that I can make considering I don’t eat many meals. However, since Sunday I have been averaging about two meals a day, when normally I’m lucky if I eat one meal a week.
Something positive: while I will not be hanging out with my friends tonight, this gives me time to play my xbox, which I have not had much of this week. Right now I am playing State of decay 2. I also got my paycheck which is very nice.
That training group sounds embarrassing for sure 
math was never my thing either and I remember back in high school the math teacher making rude comments about me in front of the class. So I really feel like what he did was not appropriate today.
I am proud of you for trying new foods and stepping outside ur comfort zone! This is really great progress in alot of ways! Hope ur night is a decent one 
hugs!
Evening Check in
Day 170
Day ended up being okay. Once I got to realize how irritable and impatient I was, I made a huge effort to not be like that for the rest of the day. Honestly, my energy level had alot to do with my irritability. And my meds at night make me groggy. It almost makes me wanna stop taking them so that I can wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day. But it’s hard bcuz I need them for my mental health. I am currently exhausted. I wanted to reply to so many people’s posts today but I feel soooo tired and drained. I feel like I overate at supper too, which is weighing on my mind right now. Even tho it was literally chicken breast, stuffing, and corn… I feel like I ate more than what I should’ve. No wonder why I’m so damn tired. I’m wasting mental energy on things that rent space in my head. My mind is telling me crazy things. Things that I thought I had dropped the association to with drugs, have popped up in my mind. Like addictive thinking… F Off already! Lol We have pop cans in the fridge and my hubby left an empty one on the counter, instant thot of the “old days”. Lighters or extra metal dish scrubby pads that I found under the sink today that was specifically for using our DOC. We haven’t used them for dishes since we quit months ago so I threw them out. I always just brush it off when little thots pop up. Even lightbulbs still from when I used to use meth in my old province over 8 years ago! Its not even like I crave the drug, its just a stupid reminder lol Like when does the brain just stop. Stop with the nudges and the dreams etc. I’m done with all that. So Im literally getting pissed off at the stupid thots. Anyway, grateful to be clean today and to be able to handle life on life’s terms 
Goodnight TS fam
Im extremely glad you threw those things away it shows how far you’ve come. I hope you feel better tomorrow<3
Another check in today. I got my car back tonight and got back home. I feel like I went through some level of trauma this week and I don’t know how to begin recovering, because life doesn’t stop. I still have to wake up at 5am to go to work and smile through another day like nothing is wrong. There’s still so many problems to deal with no matter how bad you feel life never gives you a break.
I hung out with friends again today though, and I’m very glad to be independent and at my apartment again in the peace and quiet. I also got the self-help book delivered today that I ordered, “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.” I hope this can help my depression, and I’m going to call my new insurance tomorrow to see about options for therapy. I’ve been in a really rough depressive state lately and I just want to function and be normal again, and not relapse and self harm.
Thanks everyone have a good night
Day 10
Nearly 6 am, feeling amazing today. It’s a beautiful morning. I’ve had the dogs out and I’m looking forward to starting work soon. Only because on my break I will be reading more of alcohol explained.
Please try and have a good day today. 
#Day 1414 
Quick check in. Got a phone call last night so change of plans for this day. Going to help out another store in the country who are redecorating. The need some extra senior workers who knows the drill, so here I go 
Glad I do not have a hangover to start the day with 
Can work in my shorts today, no customers 
Day 291 AF
Howdy
Worked. Went for a walk. Chilled with the kids. That’s pretty much all. Catching up with some TS posts.
I had a pretty fucked up dream. In my dream, my best friend’s girlfriend messaged me to tell me that he had passed away. Took my a minute to process what she told me. I couldn’t believe it. She was asking for donations for his funeral. It was a trip. Known my friend since my childhood days. I was crying in my sleep. I felt my eyes all teary when I woke up. But it passed.
@Rockstar24777 pretty cool, bro! I was born and raised in Esco. We moved out about 7 years ago. But Esco is our second home. My mom still lives there, and my wife’s parents. We’re there like every other weekend.
@Bluekoolaid congrats on 9 months and your new job. We’re only a few months from our soberversary. We got this. ODAAT!
@felipeandrews I don’t think those dreams ever stop. But I wouldn’t worry about them too much. You’re still sober.
Alrighty. I’m logging off for 2nite. Take care.
I also really enjoy walking. Getting out into a quiet space has always helped me.
I never realised how pervasive my anxiety was until recently. So much of my behaviour has been anxiety driven. Even back to when I was in senior school when I would be off ill a lot, particularly at stressful times. It would also snowball as well so once I took a day off ill I would be anxious about going back in, so I would feel ill again and it would be another day off.
Even now at work I am up and down from my desk a lot, constantly moving. At lunch I will go out for a walk on my own just to get some peace of mind. As far as I can tell there is nothing obviously anxiety inducing about work (particularly the new work I do). But I still have a generally high level of anxiety.
It’s something to work through.
1153
Coffee. No sleeping in on my personal Sunday as yet another apartment next to mine has been sold and the new owners started renovating this morning. It used to be all social housing here, gentrification in my neighbourhood is in full swing. Well. At least I don’t have a hangover to deal with. Never again.
I’m seeing my therapist today. It has been 4 weeks I think and in a way I’m looking forward to it. But no experience expertise course to attend, it’s on its summer break. One thing at a time. Taking it easy otherwise. Tomorrow I’ll start another 5 day work week. Sober and clean. Will miss most of Amsterdam Pride but that’s OK.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Make it clean and sober to begin with or nothing will come of it. Love from Amsterdam.
@kat261 Huge congrats on your full year of freedom from meth Kat!!!
Excellent work Carlo! Gefeliciteerd!
Day 317 checking in 
Day 13 
2 weeks is near.
This morning i was struggling with a feeling like having a hangover. What is this? Will it ever end? I will try to stand up as soon as the alarm beeps and jump under a cold shower or something like that! I want to standup earlier, like 5.30 or so. Or does it need more time to recover? I like Siesta more than sleeping long in the morning. Okay, so far about this topic
It will be veryyyy hot in Germany today. I will do some easy Yoga now 
… some phone call with family and easy and light meals (like watermelon, summerrolls… We will c). Doing some beauty and selfcare. Working on my online course, that’s it 
Maybe another workout in the evening.
Sending love out to all of you
