Checking in. Still clean. I started my 4th step last night and got to the inventory part … first question and I am still on it . I have only listed 2 people but the pages are loooong … I am wanting to get through this step as fast as possible but I am also listening to my higher power on when I should do it and when I should stop. I got into some very hard things for me… but I know I will be free getting this stuff out. I am proud of myself… but the disease of course likes to show up in any way it can. I went into work
This morning and they sent me home bc we were short staffed . I walked back home in a thunderstorm
And was very connected to my HP. I was talking to him and I was excited and it felt awesome . Then I did more of step 4 when I got home. I worked on it for some time but I want to get more done . I feel like I have a lot to get out. I stopped and started watching Netflix on my laptop because I just wanted to “relax” on my day off and for some reason I can’t watch tv or Netflix anymore … anyway , I found something interesting and put it on and idk what it was but I started thinking about when I was smoking meth with people when I was younger… when it was just recreational and how good it was but it also scared me
Because I usually think about the end of my use and how terrible it was… so I guess you could say I am
Having a craving rn. I’m not gonna act on it because I don’t want to feel like shit and I know my disease is trying to get at me because I’m doing this step and getting some icky stuff out that has kept me sick for a long time. I just wanted to let you guys know I was having cravings and what’s going on. I hope I can get through this day productively while being able to take care of myself and my recovery and staying clean one day at a time.
Step 4 can definitly be a tough one. I’m proud of u for listening to ur HP of when u should and shouldn’t work on it. I remember having a lot of cravings and flashbacks also when doing my last step 4 for many years ago. The steps are in order for a reason so remind urself of ur powerlessness, ur belief in a HP, and how u turn ur will (thinking) and life (acting) over to ur HP. Fall back on that and regain ur strength. U have many tools to help u thru this girl. I’ve seen u work hard at recovery! Think about the absolute freedom ull feel once step 4 is done and then even more freedom in doing step 5! Addiction doesn’t like that ur doing this amd being rid of anger, fear, resentment, shame, pride, and self pity. Ur strong and I know u can do this! Hugs!
We’re here for you 
Be proud of your AF days!!
Laura, I can’t imagine trying to sit through the grief of losing a parent. Having the courage to say that you are struggling is really huge. Even though it must feel very lonely at times you are defintely not alone. You have people from all over the world walking beside you as you figure out how to get through this.
I’m sorry you’re struggling over this huge loss Laura. Knowing it’s perfectly normal to be struggling probably doesn’t help much. I wish there were some words that I could say to help. I know, you know we are here for you. I am here for you. I’m am praying for you and your family. One hour. One day at a time. Big hugs to you my dear friend.
Love it, it looks good on you.
Day 126
Getting stuff done around the house and getting ready for schedule changes that’ll give me more personal time windows and structure again; really excited.
Getting my brakes done next Tuesday, lots of things on the roster.
That being said, still working on returning to healthier coping methods, trying to take it one day at a time like I should have been the whole time. Making today a return day and going to mindfully work through each part of the day.
I want my one promise to myself for today to be meditating, journaling, and exercising. I also promise I’ll report back later how it all goes post in the name of accountability
Hi guys Kat here Day 63
Having a bit of a rest day from the gym and it’s too hot to walk but honestly the rest feels good too. Plan on going back tomorrow. Also it was good cam home early because roommate/ ex husband #1 has a badly infected middle toe and had to go to a walk-in clinic. Ended up being a phone appointment where he had to text a pic of his foot to the Dr lol.
Recovery wise, I asked my Higher Power this morning for another clean and sober day and He has delivered. Zoom meeting last night and tonight I think another although I may go to a local Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting.
Hope you’re all well and thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope!
Kat
Need a second late-night check in for day 15!
Although i had bad cravings again…
I made it 
Had a little bike ride with sundowner
and a sober drink (pomegranate tee on ice)!
I am proud.
Sport is always helpful!
Will search something nice on Netflix to survive the next week’s.
Take care 
Checking in
Day 173
Had to leave work early so I’m waiting for the bus now. Husband has to leave for supplies to fix a plumbing issue at home. So my team lead was fine with me leaving as there is another staff there.
Waiting for the bus at 210pm 2 guys pulled up beside me in a car and asked where I was going and if I wanted a ride. Can we say trigger?! I sort of froze for a second and then answered them and they left, but I swore they circled around once more.
I feel like the universe is showing me signs that I need to address my past lifestyle. The weird dreams, the ridiculous thoughts of glamorizing the sex trade, the issues with self image, and now this. It never used to be so prominent in my life. The drugs were always the main issue. I had only been involved in the trade for 14 years (well 2 of those I was a youth so that’s child exploitation. The other 12 years were I guess by choice to an extent) but the everyday on goings of what I did in the trade never really phased me (unless something traumatic happened). It was all business. I am really surprised that this is coming up now tho like almost 8 years later after exiting. I think I may need help in working thru this or maybe I should follow hubbys advice and leave the past behind. My life is amazing now so why bring this stuff up. This car was very triggering. I’m going to go home and relax and do some self care I think. I need to gain my power back bcuz I truly felt like this situation made me lose my focus
Is there a forum like this with people recovering from that life? That would be something.
I used to have a support group back home that we all could go to every Wednesday. It was amazing and I loved it. But here I haven’t found one. I’d love a forum but I wonder how I could go about finding one
Sorry you are struggling. I hope it gets easier. You are worth it.
Watching an episode of Intervention for the first time since getting sober and its like wow thats the direction i was heading…feeling greatful ive strung a few months together and have no plans to veer from this sober path. Cautiously optimistic
130 days 
It’s still such a great feeling to have gone to bed at a decent time on a Saturday night and to wake feeling refreshed on a Sunday morning. With the whole day to relax instead of recover. My Sundays of setting my self up for a good work week instead of dying in bed with a hangover and feeling suicidal. It doesn’t get old. And I’m so grateful for it.
I won’t give up on my sobriety again, I’ll keep my promise to myself each day. Because life is just too short to waste it poisoning myself.
Much love to you all this weekend
Big hugs. I don’t know if this is what is going on with you, but I sometimes wanted to show the hurt that was inside on the outside, and that was a reason for sh. I know you have so much hurt right now, but there are other ways to show it. Do you have siblings you can talk to?
Day 154.
Need to load my car. Need to get moving. Im so tired and need to write. Thinking about how therapy went. Thinking about an essay i read. Want to sleep for a year.
What next? Grateful for another day off tomorrow.
