Glad you haven’t given up on yourself. Welcome back. 
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Hey all, busy morning so a late check in today on day 787. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Morning Check in
Day 177
Struggled to wake up today, but I still managed to get myself up for a workout at 6am. Body wasn’t feeling the weight lifting so did cardio instead. I am determined to eat well today. I ate soooo poorly yesterday (just a lot of food and high calorie stuff at that), and didn’t track any of my food. Not going to be upset over yesterday. Just gonna focus on what I eat today. Today’s my payday. Felt good to pay some bills. Then off to run errands with my son. He has his 4-6 year old vaccines today so that has to get done. Grocery shopping and school clothes shopping for my boy also. Then cleaning and making supper when hubby comes home. Productive day! Going to finish my morning routine and get going! Love to all! Hope everyone has an addiction free day!
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@Claire_Quit it’s been way too long! Hopefully like you I’ll have many more to come
@Dazercat I’m excited for you!!! Friday yay! Not sure how I feel about Me-maw 
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They probably don’t say Me-Maw in Ireland. My daughter teases us that she’s calling us memaw and whatever I would be and we don’t like it. 
Looks like more Cali trips are in my future again.
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Hey guys. Just checking in day 9. Had a nice session in the gym today. Did my favourite exercise, the deadlift.
@Miranda Hey do not give up. I do have an idea of how shameful you may feel but you are holding yourself accountable and showing up here is a sign you are moving past the guilt and shame. I watched a video which said its only a failure when you stop trying and give up. Analyse what went wrong, change it if possible and continue moving forward. You got this.
Have a nice day guys. Peace.
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Hi @Miranda
I’m always glad you’re here my friend.
You hit home with maybe I don’t want it enough, maybe I dont. Maybe I don’t want to live with pain, maybe I just want a break once in awhile. I don’t understand why I have to choose pain over drinking, it’s not normal. When I first went 22 days and slipped, those were my best feeling days. I still had rough days with RA, but got through it okay.
Then I went 43 days, that was rough because I did it with a painful sprained or fractured ankle. But kept going. It’s always been some what frustrating because I guess I just don’t sleep well drunk or sober.
I don’t want to drink, I also don’t want pain. I can’t explain that often the feeling in the morning is not worse than the somewhat relief when drinking. And I’m afraid to say that out loud here. Drinking is killing me, but the pain is making my life unmanageable. I can’t even pick up Max’s shit without wanting to cry.
I pray I will get through this. 
Thank you to everyone here, I appreciate you all.
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Hey Miranda, good to see you back! I could have written your post. After 7 months of sobriety I fucked up, and June and July have been awful, so bumpy and just not getting anything straight. Luckily I was so fed up, that July 31st I reset yet once again, and I’m back on the wagon. Just like you, I was soooo embarrassed to admit in this group, yet again, that I had failed. I promise you, as the days pass it’ll get better, that feeling will start to fade. I’m also checking in every day now, and it’s helping me a lot! I look forward to seeing your daily check-ins! You can do this! I miss seeing pics of little Lola btw! 
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Hi all, it’s been a rough week for me mentally, emotionally and physically. I had to disclose my situation to several family members which was difficult. I told my son and I’m pretty sure he told his dad. For the first time in over five years my ex called to wish me a happy birthday. I about fell through the floor when his name popped up on my phone. That hit me hard in a whole different way. This is the man I was in a domestic abusive relationship with. Thing is I know it was the drugs causing it and I know I own my part. But still triggers were there. Sadly I still care about the man. I just don’t love him anymore. And as far as I know he is still deeply in a relationship with meth. I just can’t go there anymore.
@Cjp thank you. Your post woke me up from a dark place and reminded me that people care.
I’ve been sleeping a lot. Mini naps between chores. No energy to speak of. Hope to get answers soon. My next appointment is the 19th.
Time to break out my toolbox and rummage for the correct tools to get me through this. Love you, guys. Be blessed
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Hi Miranda,
Its great your here with us, your part of this community 
Have you tried meetings face to face ?
I say this because recently i just started going and the support and face to face interaction is so powerfull and may be able to help you get through the toughest days.
Just being here trying is so great accomplishment.
You want to be sober or you wouldnt have been back.
Remind yourself how strong you are, and be kind to yourself. Maybe a little extra support is what you need, we all do … either it be some of us have more supportive families and others of us have to get that somewhere else, which i do. I have here but also now i have people at meetings too, i have to build mt own support network. And when were down and at a low point trying to do that alone is lonely and extremely hard, so getting to a meeting takes away the doing it by yourself xx i know you can get through this and i am so glad your here.
Also there are other programmes apart from AA you may find helpfull too.
Also a big one for me was talking to my local alcohol services, as much as i felt weak and ashamed and embaressed to ask for their help i did it and it did help it also is confidential.
Im here anytime if you need me okay
Im proud today you here with us still.
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I’m right there with you, @Miranda. I’m on my day 2 right now after many short-lived attempts. I’ll be posting my actual days every morning and periodically for accountability as well. We both want this. We both need this.
We can do it together one day at a time, yeah?
I’m so glad I found this community.
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Day 130
Last night reminded me not to get too comfortable. Shitty choices (not mistakes in my case) led to hurt and it’s selfish to think those hurts will ever get completely better. It’s always in the smallest ways and moments.
I’ll be feeling better and enjoying the moment, then out comes one of the skeletons, sitting right beside me without my even noticing.
I want to think I can be better; that I am better than I was in at least some ways, but it always resonates as a wish, or a lie, inside. I keep hearing about affirmations, meditating, journaling, breathing techniques, redirecting internal dialogs, the list goes on. I keep trying all the things.
The peace never stays for long. I can’t get far enough from the big mistakes. They keep finding me.
My therapist, my relatives, friends; they all say ‘you’re doing great, you’re doing so much, you’ve come so far.’
Not far enough. Ever.
I wish I could separate from my past self. Her hurt and recklessness mixed with untreated mental illnesses ruined future years of my life.
I realize the harshness here. I realize I have to keep working to try making peace with my past. I just can’t yet. There’s so much.
Idk
Sorry
I am thankful for my support net, my family, friends, therapist, meds, and a lot more. I promise. I just run in to this when the past finds me again.
I’ll keep doing the things until they stick. 4.5 months isn’t enough to undo a lifetime of stuff
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92 Days
Feeling lots of gratitude while simultaneously feeling like shit today. My partner (who started their sobriety the same time as myself) and I are not as connected as before, and I feel like I can’t do anything to improve the situation. I’ve made attempts to connect and it seems like it’s just not good enough, and I don’t know what else to do. I’m in between therapists at the moment due to new vs. old insurance, and I’m just feeling very stuck. Work is very busy and stressful plus feeling my relationship leaves me in an uncertain place scared for the future.
Thank you all for listening
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I can definitely understand the paradox of how you’re feeling and and where all that comes from. Being grateful but also frustrated and unsure is such a weird mix, especially with relationships. You’re definitely not alone on that one. I hope you can find a good replacement therapist also, missing that always makes such a huge difference in my days and weeks.
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Day 2 
Checking in 
Enjoy your day 
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Checking in on day 11
Today I had a rather relaxed day at work, except the phone, that just doesn’t stop ringing… This afternoon I did the workout challenge, I added an additional set, so finally I did 25 minutes, not too bad after all!
Tomorrow I have a company BBQ. I skipped last time, but I should go this time, last one I skipped my boss was pissed off. I’m not worried booze wise speaking, it’s more the socializing with a large group of people. Just not into it! 
At least today I didn’t drink, it’s been a good day! 
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Still day 22… S/O is now back to saying she feels trapped and needs space and broke it back off again … would rather get drunk and forget everything but I know that won’t help so I’m gonna go to the gym and make dinner instead… why dose relationships have to be like this… but still here for the baby… that’s really all anymore!
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Hey everyone 
I am still catching up, currently working my way through May 21st. It is helping to keep me distracted from feeling like I’m going to die. I am still very unwell at the moment and it feels like it’s never going to end.
I know I posted for my 6 months of no cocaine a couple of weeks back, apologies but I haven’t checked for replies so I’m sorry if I’ve ignored anyone.
Couldn’t not check in today with 2 years sober from alcohol though, so there’s that 
it still shocks me.
I hope you are all well.
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Hi Cam! Good to read from you! Congrats on your 2 years! 
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@Miranda @SandbagBob You sound so much like me, we might be related.
@mamador " I want to think I can be better; that I am better than I was in at least some ways, but it always resonates as a wish, or a lie, inside. The peace never stays for long. I can’t get far enough from the big mistakes. "
Could not have said that better myself!
Nailed it.
Hey all. Feeling a little conflicted. Like, I’m grateful I got some sleep. But I fell asleep after 5am and spent most of the day in bed. I’m trying to get my life back together and can’t do it like this.
I’m grateful I have food in my fridge, but I still have little appetite.
I have books from the library I’m not reading; I just don’t have the focus or motivation. And I’m paying for a gym I no longer go to.
Things just don’t feel worth doing for some reason (I think I know why, but it’s kind of personal, and may be triggering for some members.)
My case manager asks me, “Don’t you want to keep your apartment?”. My answer is always a deflated, “I guess so.” I mean, I want to keep it cuz I’ve been homeless too long but I’m missing this drive that real people have.
I’ve about given up on my fantasy trip of hiking the Camino de Santiago. Financially it’s looking unlikely and my COPD seems to be getting worse. All I can think is, “So what? Nothing ever works out for me anyway.”
Sorry to be all whiny but I just had to get that all out. Thanks, fam!
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