Ended up watching a small video documentary about manny Ramirez and then after that Pete rose … a lot of baseball videos recently and random animals or history documentaries… sometimes YouTube can really save me when I need to get outta my head
Hopefully something happens for you and you can get that voice over or maybe something related on a similar channel !! That would be pretty cool . If we stay sober anything is possible
Congratulations to 1 sober month!
I’m angry. I’m so angry right now.
Smoking is literally going to kill me but I’m beyond angry because I quit smoking and made promises to others and myself. I’m angry that despite knowing all that I still want a smoke. I’m angry because I know better. I’m angry because my emotions are out of control and isn’t that the biggest irony in my world right now. I’m angry and I’m allowing myself to feel every bit of it down to my toes. I’m not burying it like I have so many times in my life. I’m allowing it to wash completely through and over me until it dissipates and loses power.
I’m angry. And that is ok.
Day 166
On break at work. Not an awful day. Waiting for primer to dry.
Too much bad energy in me today. Therapy tomorrow.
Im glad i tidied for 15 minutes last night. Posting here helped me do that. If im a horrible person at least i can be clean and capable of being useful. Who am I to put more bad energy out into the world!
430 will come and I will be done with the ceilings. Did all the setup. Should just stay busy.
Maybe at 530 i will shower and spend the evening spray painting. 
Just one day at a time.
Thank you so much man. You’ve been here for the whole ride! I wouldn’t be here without everyone here.
Day 138
This morning was rough. It started off on a slippery slope anyways and I didn’t really slow the process, until after there was damage done.
My daughter & I got into an argument which really stemmed from my lack of mindfulness and self-control emotionally, and snowballed into her crying and saying she wanted to run away from home and just your classic shitty bipolar 1 parenting on display.
After we took 5, there were discussions had, plans rearranged for how we’ll approach this particular challenge tmw and going forward.
I apologized straightforward and was very sure to let her know that I’m the grown up here and her actions and words were not responsible for the way I acted or being angry.
I’m really trying to enforce the message that she is not responsible for managing my emotions or repairing them.
I also know that it’s hard not to feel that way as a kid with a parent who isn’t always/usually a calm ocean of balance.
It’s hard breaking cyclical trauma behaviors but they deserve better futures.
I feel gross as a person when I make my kids cry. It’s something I’ve strived so hard to stop doing as someone finally taking care of my mental health.
Undoing the years of trauma and poor relationship examples and coping mechanisms that I faced as a kid unfortunately isn’t done in 5 or 6 months and these things still come out in my lack of proper response at times; not pausing, just going into reactionary mode.
There’s no excuse and it was another conversation that made me realize I’m never going to be done taking care of these parts of myself.
I’m going to strive to do better the rest of today than I did this morning and tomorrow even moreso.
Our kids are only small for so long and I’m losing opportunities every time I react instead of responding.
I want her to want me to be in her circle of trust when she’s an adult and I’m really trying to cultivate a better relationship to reach that point in the future.
I’m not really proud of this post but I needed to share it somewhere because I’m embarrassed of myself and I’m going to do better.
Checking in on day 19
It’s been an ordinary day, though we finally got some rain!! 
Not too much, but at least temperatures have gone down to 28-29C, feels like heaven right now, compared to the 37C from last week!
I’m not sure about the workout challenge today… it’s burpees on the agenda! 
I’ll probably catch up tomorrow.
Another day sober on the books! 
Day 9 
Have an amazing time 
You’re doing so well here and I think you should be proud of yourself.
By having this difficult day but then working through it you have learned a lot yourself, but you’re also demonstrating to your daughter how to work through difficulties and problems. That’s invaluable life skills right there.
Well done.
Checking in
Day 185
Woke up feeling tired. Had a restless sleep (stupid dreams of my abusive ex). Those dreams are never pleasant and I wake up very disturbed. Anyway I got my boy on the bus. Went for a really good lower body workout. Then showered and went to the coffee shop again. Currently sitting here and enjoying my morning. Feeling blessed and grateful 
Going to head home shortly and tidy up. Nothing much to report today. Very pleased with my sons school. He’s been riding this accessible bike and using his walker alot. Practicing his reading and writing. I can’t complain 
Hope everyone has an addiction free day!
@Jesile Glad to see ur number going up each day! And also happy that u have some relief from the heat. We are still in mid 30d and it’s groooosssss lol
@mamador u ARE doing amazing. I know u don’t feel that way at times but ur human and u are trying each day to respond instead of react to situations eith ur child. Ur such a self aware person. My mom had undiagnosed mental health issues when I was a child and ur statement of:
Is incredible to read and it’s fabulous that u know this and are aware of this. I was literally my moms counsellor as a child and had heard things a child probably shouldnt hear. I didnt know that this wasnt my responsibility as a child, until my therapist told me as an adult. Ur very aware and very in-tune to urself I feel. Ur doing amazing… honestly. Ur still a human being and we all make mistakes. But ur doing ur best everyday and I’m sure ur child can see that! Hugs!
Day 114. Not gonna drink today. Also just got to work. Not going to touch the French fry bowl… baby steps. Have a good day everyone!
Sending you a massive hug.
Thanks Dana, baby steps! I have the feeling time goes slower this time! 
Congratulations on your sober days and that school, and all the involved logistics for your little boy is going so well! 
Hello Kat here on Day 75 from alcohol and benadryl relapse and Day 380 from meth pills!
Feeling good, worked this morning and about to head to the gym. Missed a Zoom meeting last night which I am resolved to not do again. I need meetings.
Did some Step Work yesterday and finished Step 1 out of the NA guide (69 questions!). Now just have to go over it with my sponsor.
In person meeting tonight which I’m looking very forward to.
We can do this ODAAT
Love Kat
Day 5 - Time is moving on and I am enjoying the time with the children. We have been creating memories together which is important and we have all really enjoyed this week.
I feel like I have finally relaxed for the first time in an awful long time. The stress of planning and organising has melted away and I feel like I have just been able to be present. We have been back where I grew up and walking the parks and woodland that I used to play in and showing them to my kids was a really unique experience.
I’m feeling positive today. I hope everyone had a good addiction free day.
Day 229. I can see my mental strength has increased massively over the time I’ve been sober, dealing with hard times better. I’ve accepted this is life now and living all areas of life according to my new sober lifestyle. Staying alert is import as I’ve had tough times lately and nearly fell off, but good days await if you stay sober. Hope everyone is well
I hope you manage to have nicer dreams tonight
@mamador First of all well done on another day. I’m sorry to hear you had a bad morning though. It sounds to me like you are doing great. You have plans in place to do things differently tomorrow. You’ve learned from today and are moving on. 
What’s up everyone. Boy was I nervous today, I got dinner cook but everything went great and food taste amazing. Hope everyone is having good days much love
