Day 69
Had a job interview today. I don’t feel like I got it. Feeling in a bit of a funk but still sober. Got pizza instead 
Might not look for anything else and just chill for a bit. Still got my other job at the theatre which I love. I might start doing more freelance creative workshops again… lots to think about…
Keep on keeping on x
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Day 5 no alcohol, day 2 no vaping!
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Thanks so much for the perspective there, I definitely needed an outside view on this one. I like coming here for that reason also, it’s a good source for feedback.
I appreciate the view on it and that’s true re: working on the healthy conflict resolving skills; not something her dad and I were given growing up, so we’re learning on the job, so to speak.
I recouped the situation and pulled some good insights out of it and I think the biggest thing is there was no gaslighting. I felt so unsure as a kid bc of that, among other things, so I love that even in duress, she’s sure of herself. I’ve broken that one already at least.
Thanks again! I’m moving forward and gonna keep on truckin
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Tonight will be day 170 of no self harm
Sorry for lack of check ins. Not been doing well. Almost no food. Lots of nightmares so sleep has been a challenge. When I do sleep I don’t want to wake up. Just really depresssed but I’m so used to this it’s hard for my brain to process that it’s not healthy. I’ve just been busy enough that I haven’t had the stay in bed all day type of depression in a while. I haven’t been out of bed since Monday other than to grab the occasional snack or go to the bathroom. Haven’t even been doing much of anything I just lay in bed and dissociate most of the day. Even when I am doing this like playing games I’m so detached I don’t really know what I did by the end of the day
On top of this we recently found out that my grandpa has been hallucinating a lizard and a mouse in his house for months. We asked him about it and he confessed that sometimes he looks at it and it disappears right in front of him. We have taken him to his primary care doctor, who found nothing. His eye doctor, who claims that sometimes people have vision migraines which are migraines that have no physical symptoms but just affect eyesight. He told us there’s no way to treat it. To me it just really sounded like an excuse like I don’t know but we will give you something random to attribute to it. Today he went to his urologist who finally had his catheter removed but his bladder is only working about 50% as effective as it should be, so he has to self catheterize himself at night just until he has his next appointment on the 8th. We are trying to schedule an MRI but we are waiting to hear back about that. He does not eat nearly enough when he is alone, and we think that is probably the reason for the hallucinations. His fridge is almost always empty. And he is diabetic, but he’s been managing it as long as I can remember. I think he has some kind of eating disorder because he gets extremely worried about the tiniest amount of sugar in anything even though his blood sugar is at normal levels. My aunt wants him to keep a food diary so we know what he’s eating, but I think it’s a bad idea because he will just obsess more, and he would lie on it anyway. Yesterday he told me he had eaten a mint all day and it was like 3:00 p.m. when he saw how word I was he suddenly said oh I forgot I had a Jimmy Dean bowl. He used to have meals on wheels who deliver meals, but he didn’t like them. It seems like we are going to have to give him the option of meals on Wheels again, he shows us that he is eating enough, or we have to find some kind of home or someone who can take care of him. Assisted living is his worst nightmare and he’s always told us he would rather be shot then sent there. I think the worst part is that my uncle, his wife, and his daughter live literally across the street and they refuse to do anything for him. They go out to dinner almost every other night and they never offer him anything. We told them about this and they just kind of shrugged, didn’t even offer to help. Yet my mom and I will drive 45 minutes out of our way to go take him to doctor’s appointments. And my mom and I bring him groceries every Saturday. It feels like we do everything, my other Aunt pitches in some but she is always really busy and so it’s mostly left to us. Right now she’s camping for 2 weeks despite all of this. I know that she paid money for this cabin months ago, I don’t know that I would be able to go camping and have no contact knowing all of this is going on.
On Monday when I quit I started applying for jobs. I emailed a daycare near me asking if they were hiring and I applied at Walmart. Walmart is about a mile away, the daycare is about a 15-minute walk. I can’t drive so I would have to walk. Walmart called immediately and wanted to offer me the job without an interview, but the daycare emailed me and had offered to have me come in for an application. Unfortunately I didn’t see that email until it was already closed. I haven’t heard back since but I am going to call them on Monday and ask if I can come in for an application, give them another week if they let me apply. And then I guess I will call back Walmart and accept the job then. I’m not worried about losing the position because they have 36 different positions in the same department open. I just would really like to work at the daycare. I really love kids and it’s always been kind of a dream job to work with kids for me. And I’m very physically unealthy so I would very much prefer a job that is not a mile away. I’ve walked past that daycare a few times so I know that I can walk there. I’ve never even tried to walk to Walmart though. I’m not even sure if I’ll accept the Walmart job, there are a couple other places near me. And Walmart said that they can only offer me full time if I work Saturdays and with the way my grandpa is I really don’t want to do that. The daycare is closed on weekends so if I work there I wouldn’t have to worry about it. I would also be working late hours at Walmart and I’d still have to walk. But the daycare is only open from 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. I know that getting a job right now isn’t a good idea in the state I’m in mentally and physically, but I really need to be doing something and I really need to be making money so I can move out.
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Good to see you checking in. Was thinking about you. Sending healing vibes and hugs to you.
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Thank you so much for the support and reply, I really appreciate it honestly.
You get a lot of where I’m departing from, and the journey to “better”. Learning on the job while also fostering someone else’s future and emotional habits has been a wild and truly hard but worthwhile prospect.
Reminding myself to never try to do it alone anymore, and that breaking generational trauma takes years to do from what I’ve heard.
Yeah, I love my mom but big same. I’m the “oldest who had to be okay and strong and listen to her rants about all the things and never refute them or her choices of partners” kid. It catches up in a lot of ways later.
Keeping things in perspective and gonna go forward and be kind to myself on the way
Thanks again!!
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I’ve got a lot of catching up to do, but for now, something I discovered on YouTube. A few were talking about educational videos (I believe @Piglet86 @Fury and @Bluekoolaid ). Anyway, for those not technologically inclined, data compression in everywhere because it’s completely necessary to make the internet as we know it. One of the pioneers of data compression had a rather sad end as an alcoholic:
Only 15 minutes long, but worth watching.
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I got a Yamaha P-71. I got a bundle where it came with the stand and stool. I couldn’t find a link to the bundle itself though. The bundle saves you a bit of money rather than buying everything separate. Cost me $660.92. you’d have to buy a cord for it but it does support midi. It sounds like a real grand piano(at least to me and my friend) I’m in love with it and for the price vs a real grand it’s amazing. Doesn’t take up too much space either. With the stand it’s just a little under 52 inches.
YAMAHA P71 88-Key Weighted Action Digital Piano with Sustain Pedal and Power Supply (Amazon-Exclusive) https://a.co/d/dgdbkEn
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Congrats on 30days and moving past your toxic S/O! @KatoBaggels I see you putting in the work! Yay you!
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@mamador I mention it often but I read an article that was based in research, that the repair of relationships was the most important thing to a strong relationship, not a lack of conflict. There will always be arguments, because we are human, but can you acknowledge, apologise, move on, utilise what you learned? You seem to be doing all of those things. 
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Hi. Will be Day 39 tonight!
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Evening Check In
Day 185
Had a good day! Got alot of thorough cleaning done. Picked up my son from the bus at 3pm. Once we got in, I read his daily agenda (describes his day and any other notes from teachers & nurses). Read that he crawled too fast and fell off the lip of the mat he was playing on and hit his right cheek on the floor and that it was starting to bruise. I didn’t get a call or anything when it happened but read about it at the end of the day. Of course I don’t know how this stuff works bcuz he’s been glued to my hip or hubbys hip since birth. No one other than me and my husband had taken care of him due to his medical complex needs. Anyway, I was panicking and felt angry and worried and I had so many questions. I asked my son what happened to his cheek (I could see a bluish circle on his cheek). He told me what happened. I texted the teacher and said, “Thank u for the note about his fall, I appreciate that. In the future (if an accident ever happens again), please text or call me right away to let me know. Especially about head injuries as he has a brain tumor and we have to be extra careful.” The teacher was very agreeing to that. I asked if I could get abit more info on what happened exactly. She responded 2 hours later (and of course my anxiety level was high wondering why she hadn’t messaged back right away). But when she did get back to me, it DID match up to what my son said. I commented that this is all new to me and that I didn’t want to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable by asking so many questions. She was more than understanding. I do understand accidents happen of course. But I have a hard time trusting people who are caring for my son to begin with (hence why I never used respite for 4 years while he was at home… I did everything and took him everywhere I went).
This was a time that I was so grateful that I did not react to my emotions and let it all out over text to his teacher. I was actually calm about it and really open about where I was coming from. I would never in the past be so open and honest about situations. It would have been angry mama bear in an instant demanding answers and calling supervisors and this n that. I have always been one to “make noise” about medical stuff for my son but have worked hard on being assertive. However, I can be overly assertive (not aggressive tho) which rubs people the wrong way. Anyways, I am tired and need some self care. Putting my boy to bed and then showering and watching TV with hubby later. Hugs TS fam! Thanks for letting me vent. It was a nervous evening dealing with this.
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Lol thanks! I paid a small fee for it. Im trying to find an artist to do a rendition of a tattoo idea ( my artist is booked a year out) and stumbled upon the artist. Sooo worth it lol
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It’s gorgeous and sooo cute! That would be a beautiful tattoo!
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Day 167
Made it to the end of the day and then just cried. Passed a big flag advertising delta 8 thc and while it wasnt a serious consideration, I felt like i wanted some.
Redownloaded twitter to see whats going on and i am more miserable on it. Its a horrible place.
Will delete it again tonight. and stay off for another 2 weeks.
Ok, uninstalled.
Spray painted shelf and began dresser. Words in me but i am having trouble.
15 minutes of tidying is all im going to do. Can i even manage that.
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I have felt the same way as you. Kids truly are more resilient than we think. Your daughter knows you love her♥️
Day 10! Yay!
That’s ingenious. I’d never thought about it like that before…
@KatoBaggels Congratulations on your 30 days, and for moving on…
@Cjp Boscoe is just adorable! Thanks for the pic.
@Butterflymoonwoman Your check-ins are always inspiring. Glad you’re having a great evening!
Not a lot to report. Did manage to apply for a couple of jobs today but transportation will be an issue in the near future. Trying not to worry to much about the financial situation; it’ll work itself out. My neighbor is making it difficult to quit smoking, but then again I’m not really resisting too much. Currently sifting through Netflix; I signed up for it while I was on my bender, so I’m stuck with it for at least a month.
Anyway, everybody have a great sober evening! 
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Welll….Hmmmm. Geez…
Just sitting here doing nothing. Lamenting about staying sober. Ugh…I don’t know if people realize that I sold my vinyl collection to a collector. Why you ask? Because I’m in Fu@$iking Southern California with small quarters. Aw!!!
I still don’t have my furniture from the moving company. I actually cried on the phone today to customer service…Geez!
I’m going to hopefully get out of work early tomorrow to go to my Mom’s house in Phoenix Arizona. 4 1/2 hour trip. I love my Mom 
I need family.
Ok, I’m getting it together…. Going to do a devotion and go to bed.
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