143 days 
Wel yesterday was probably the first time in this sobriety stint that I’ve felt a really huge emotion and been completely overcome with it. I didn’t do great, but I guess I could have done worse and drank about it, or binge ate, and I didn’t do those things.
My son was suspended at school yesterday for swearing at a teacher, so I was pretty stressed coming home, then I realise he did none of his chores before school and the kitchen was a big mess with all of his breakfast dishes and un washed dishes he was asked to take care of.
So I began trying to clean them, and my hot water wasn’t working. Walked outside and the system is full of water. On a Friday night. I call someone out for a few, to tel me they would fix it for 5 thousand au bux. Just trying to completely rip me off. It was a hard pass.
But holy shit I was so angry. Like each thing kinda added ontop of each other, I was so hungry and was supposed to put together a nice meal after a long day at work, I’d been awake since 4am, and I was just raging hangry.
I ended up eating some toast and putting myself to bed after kinda cursing into the void and scaring my husband a tad. I do y really get that worked up very often.
Anyway. It’s a new day. Going to try get a work friend to do a better price on a new hot water system. And lose the money I’ve been working hard to save 
It happens I guess.
I’ve got the gym this morning, there’s nice warm showers there, that’s a positive haha.
Sorry to hear about that rough day. Those days are hard and they royally suck.
You did good. It sucked, but you still did good.
Checking in
Super emotional day today. It’s weird bcuz I never cry for very long… I just seem to automatically shut my tears off but I sometimes try to just let it go and relax. But its almost like I can shut them off like a light switch. I was always told that tears are healing tho. I do believe that.
I got a weekly update email of what my son did this week. They took photos of my son and his classmates. I am beyond grateful for my recovery. The gratitude I have for my life today is beyond words. To be able to truly be the mother that he needs me to be, being able to enjoy seeing these photos, and having this opportunity to be super involved in his life and just cherish the moments, makes me sooo unbelievably happy! I am so happy to be clean and sober. There is no high in this world that could honestly replace the high I get off of life and being the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend I am today.
Grateful for another day 
Thank you God!!!
Day 167
I cannot have a pair of pants for One day, without ruining them. I spill Something, always. Bleach Im cleaning with, paint, bondo took the last 3 nice new ones. ugh. UGH. i immediately tried soaking the bondo ruined ones. Theyll all be work pants now. Most of my coworkers can keep them so much more clean. Wtf.
But i cleaned, and vacuumed, and got some writing done. Some good food I made went bad yesterday. But i cleaned the dishes and I also ate.
Therapy was good. Grateful for that. Going to organize more things and do art.
15D
I feel a lot better now. I cleaned up my place with my wife and ordered parts for my jeep so that I can finally fix it. October, I have to go to a month long school (ALC) for my SSG rank.so, starting tomorrow, I’m going to whip myself back into shape. I’m going to run ever other day and on off days and calisthenics mixed in with weights. I’m going to throw myself 100% into this now and my Sobriety will be 
to all of this.
Checking in
Day 186
Its incredible how my mood can change. Thankfully I have some skills to manage it when it changes. I have been taking my medication but I don’t think it’s where it should be. I feel lonely today. Wanting to talk to my mom and she’s super busy… that’s fine. I just need interaction. My hubby is cleaning that massive 75 gallon fish tank. Our son is winding down for bed. It’s hot as hell in here. It’s making me irritable 
My weight loss clinic appt didn’t go as planned either. I had expectations about what it would be like. It was nothing as expected lol so of course bcuz I had expectations, and my expectations weren’t met, I was disappointed and blah over it. I was hoping more of a psychological approach to help with my emotional eating and basic knowledge of balanced nutrition and more of that sort of thing. Where as it was literally the Dr pushing keto which I won’t do again bcuz I put my body thru hell doing it. So nope. I need something and I’m not 100% sure what it is right now. I’m emotional over my son and his conditions. And now have to work single staffed this weekend with a client who can not be single staffed for any reason. So im anxious about tmrw but will push thru. Just needed to reach out and idk feel like I’m talking to someone lol
Later update: I’m not okay and trying to rationalize things. Reaching out here bc idk but things are getting worse again with my moods; while externally life seems to be getting better. I’m trying
Sorry lady that ur feeling crappy what’s going on? What are u trying to rationalize?
Day 1,028. 20 more minutes and I’m on vacation for a 10 night camping trip! Camping and sobriety were fucking hard in the beginning for me but it was the one thing I wasn’t going to stop because I did it for my little son, he loves camping! Now it’s just enjoyable and I’ve realized long ago that most of the people camping aren’t drunk assholes like I always use to be. We’ll go fishing, biking, kayaking, look for the northern lights, it’s gonna be awesome.
Tonight will be day 171 of no self harm.
Had a slightly better day. Hating myself a lot about the way I’ve been eating. I bought a ton of candy and I’ve been eating it when I’ve been wanting to not eat at all. Other than that I got a little less than half of school done, took a shower for the first time in a week and did my laundry after 3 weeks of not doing. Absolutely exhausted but it all needed to be done
Thanks as always, and it’ll be okay I’m sure, but it’s been a hell of a week with my moods lately and I told my therapist and I’m trying to remember I’m doing my best, etc. But it’s been harder and harder again to keep my cool and I’m trying to rationalize that if I keep just doing all this side work and breathing and my routines I’ll get better.
It’s just not working like that anymore though. I’m starting to feel like I used to before meds again, and I’m scared bc it was terrible and I’m trying and my best all by myself, and even with the dose I’m on added in is not enough right now.
I’m hoping I can hold out and keep it under wraps for long enough to reach my next med appt, I’m just tired of being unexpectedly angry again.
I feel u on this is and I’m sorry ur going thru this I hope ur med change isn’t too far away. I sometimes feel too like It’s like day after day of trying sooo hard to manage things but it feels like it’s getting worse n worse Can I ask if u feel like ur too hard on urself? I often put too much pressure on myself when I don’t respond or act like how I feel like I should. And bcuz of that added pressure I put on myself, it actually makes things worse mentally and emotionally for me. I sort of feed the issue by focusing soo much on it. Its hard to explain lol. I often forget to be gentle with myself also. So I will remind you to be gentle with urself 
ur doing the best u can and I am reading how hard ur trying but I do get a sense that ur also hard on urself too. I apologize if that’s incorrect us moms especially too are hard on ourselves. Do u have anytime for self care? Or do u have the ability with ur kiddo to walk into another room for a breather, if u feel that ur going to react vs respond? Just some thoughts hugs
Oh my!!! It’s beautiful 
You have some serious talent!
Holy wow!!! That is amazing!! I love bold colors like that. Gorgeous work!!
Hey thanks @Butterflymoonwoman and @SassyRocks it took weeks with the tiny shapes to paint in. This is my first sober project
I wish @maxwell was here to see it
How cool!!! And what a freakin gorgeous reminder of sobriety. Blossoming flowers!
Wow, well you definitely hit the nail right on the head with that reply, thanks so much! This is why this place is so good to be a part of honestly. You’re right about being so hard on myself, it’s something my husband, therapist, and everyone else who knows me tells me.
Sometimes I do have the ability to walk away, and especially with school started now, it’s just annoying that this is happening bc I have way more time to do stuff, but still get upset lately when my patience runs out.
I’m gonna keep working on the self care time just relaxing, that’s my ultimate weakness tbh. I’ve been doing self taught piano practice as a hobby which has been great, but just taking it easy is hard for me sadly lol.
I really appreciate your understanding where I’m at and such. Definitely sending support your way as well, I saw your post shortly above my original one and meant to say it then. It sounds like you have a lot on your own plate as well; we got this, and I really thank you for the talk