@anon53116147 Grateful it was just a dream. I remember one particular using dream I had that was SO real. Same as u I woke up crying and had every single emotion that I normally would’ve had if I had used. Scary stuff 
Ur still clean and sober tho and today will be a great day! This dream is just a good reminder of what you definitely don’t want.
@Jasty2 Glad u went to ur 1st mtg! I found them nerve-racking too. In the beginning I would find myself “rehearsing” in my mind what I wanted to say haha but then I missed out on the entire mtg 
lol Hope u keep going
@BrianP congratulations Brian on 18 weeks!! And also on pushing those drinking thots away!
@aspray congratulations on 5 days!! 
@Planipennia Congratulations Matti on 6 months!! Way to go 
@nikki666 Congratulations on 1 week!!! Proud of you!
A week makes a difference!! Good for you! Keep going strong.
Morning Check In
Day 195
Morning TS fam! Happy Sunday! Just on my way to work at another group home this morning. Walking to the train I saw many people on the street passed out or screaming or using drugs on the train platforms. I feel for them and am grateful to be clean.
I’ve been waking up sooo unrested lately. Last night wasn’t a using dream but it was very intense. I never ever used to dream and it feels like every night now I do. Wish my brain would stop thinking 
Other than that I am okay. Really going to focus on better eating today. I have not eaten well for 2 days and I’m feeling it.
Hope everyone has an addiction free day!
Seeing those struggling souls must help your resolve to stay clean. Self care for you! And might the dreaming mean your brain is getting clearer? I don’t know…Have a great day!
Ur probably right lol I need to look at this as a good thing maybe haha my brain definitely isn’t foggy from drugs and alcohol. It’s probably working a bit more normally now lol It is always hard to see people who are hurting. I just wish they could all see what recovery can do! Addiction and mental health is so complex. There definitely isn’t enough support (at least here there isnt). And the wait times for treatment are ridiculous. The places around here want to cure addiction but I feel like its very much a bandaid solution. They just want people to stop using and drinking, bit theres more to it than that. Drugs and alcohol are a “solution” to an underlying problem. There’s generally reasons why we use substances. Get rid of the drugs and alcohol and the issues are still there.
Day 10. Making progress. Feeling better. Thinking clearly. Have a good Sunday everyone.
Congratulations on 10 days!!!
Spoken by someone who knows and understands!!!
Awesome. Yes you are owed a couple we’ll deserved chips. I only got the one but they told me it was the most important one. So grab that one too while your there 
. Congrats to you on your 64 days. You got 2 months on me. Don’t let me catch up.
Day 807 clean and sober. Feeling better today then I have been. Today’s my Friday so I’m going to push through knowing I’m off tomorrow. I hope everyone has a beautiful day today, love you guys!!! 
You otter have a good time at those meetings - just like the animal, we’re stronger together than apart 
Hi Kat here Day 84
At work for the last of 5 shifts it’s going well. Home is good too living with my ex and 14 year old son, unfortunately the son will have to go live with his dad for the school year because he’s on Vyvanse (Adhd med/stimulant) which I can’t have access to. However there are still weekends and holidays so that will keep me going.
My ex is very supportive of me and the house although he’s a messy creature. The dog is suffering a little because the ex is having diabetic foot infection issues and can’t walk far. However I can take him out to the dog park when I get off work at 2.
Recovery wise I have tomorrow off so Step work (I’m starting Step 2) will definitely take place. Also it is past time to get back to the gym. Though oops that will be closed since it’s a holiday here in Canada.
Love you all, stay clean/sober !
Kat
Day 760
Good morning and happy sober Sunday my friends. I’m overdue for a real check in here and not just my quick monthly pop ins so I expect this may get a bit lengthy. 2022 has been a heck of a year and I have largely been keeping my struggles private or vaguely hinting at them. It’s felt a bit like I was lying to you all but they were things that didn’t feel like they should be out here publicly while I was figuring it all out. I’m at a point now where it feels worth sharing a brief recap if anyone cares to read.
Back in January my mental health was not good. Over the years trying to get sober my longest stretches that ended in relapse were after 12 months or 18 months when I started asking “now what?” and thinking I was fixed. Hitting 18 months this time I panicked a bit and decided I wanted to hang on to my sobriety and really work on recovery and healing. I had done so much quit lit reading and research before that — knew what I needed to do but was so overwhelmed by it. I tried to talk to my partner about it and wasn’t getting much response or support from him. He defaulted to saying “I don’t care if you drink or not.” and that was about it. I had started to think f*ck it and that I was going to start drinking again and then I thought about ending my relationship too.
February rolled along and I was convinced it was all just anxiety and depression. Avoided thinking there was anything deeper going on. Tried to talk to my partner about that but he doesn’t experience these things and would just “hmm” and go back to what he was doing not try to understand. I kept bringing it up and we knew our relationship hasn’t been good the past couple years but we blamed it on our living situation. We set a goal to buy property and move into our own place within a year. Started talking to our banks and were obsessively browsing zillow.
Going into March, house buying stopped feeling like a solution. I felt trapped. The urge to relapse went away but I still wanted to end my relationship. I loathed myself and blamed myself for every downfall in the relationship. I started looking into therapists and was open to getting back on meds even though they make me sleep walk. I started self love journaling. I found a remote womens specific therapist and started having sessions in April.
I’ve been pretty deep in my therapy/self love journey the past few months. I cry a lot and am finding parts of myself that were lost and hidden away. Ultimately I found my goals and ambitions since being sober have been shifting but I tried to ignore them. Tried to keep them fitting within the box of goals I shared with my partner. I realized I had been silently, one sided trying to fix my relationship, while he had no interest in personal development or trying to work on things. Our goals just didn’t line up anymore. So after six years together I ended my relationship.
It’s been a long process. I first told him I was unhappy at the end of spring. He didn’t get it, and thought therapy would “fix me.” Beginning of summer I told him I don’t want to be in a relationship. He had no response, was about to leave going on work trips and said he would think about it. Well then I had surgery, he had Covid, we had some family emergency and he avoided talking about things. We were effectively living separate lives but it felt….idk ambiguous? He very actively avoided talking about.
Finally things settled down late July to talk, he started packing earlier this month, separating our lives, and making arrangements. He will be leaving in a few weeks to go live with family after they finish some big home repairs. So emotionally I have been drained — but therapy has been the biggest turning point for me. I am figuring out the root of me and putting my needs first for once. Seeing patterns and trying to break them. Uncovering lost memories and processing past trauma that my brain, trying to protect me, had suppressed. The anxiety and depression isn’t gone but it is more manageable. I’m able to observe it instead of drowning in it.
Life is always going to throw difficult things our way but they are so much more manageable when we face them sober and are true to ourselves. I have to keep putting in the work every single day but it is so worth it. For the first time in my life I am really excited for the possibility that the future holds and to keep learning who I am. One day at a time my friends! 
Lots of love to you all and the role that TS has had in my sobriety and mindset shifts that have also helped get me to where I am.
Checking in on day 29
Half of my holidays are already over… time flies! 
I’ve been trying to do some exercise everyday; went to spinning 2 days ago (my first spinning in 6 weeks, boy did my butt hurt yesterday! 
), yesterday morning I went lane swimming. This morning I did the workout challenge! We’ve already almost Completed the month, I think it’s the first time I’m not dropping out! Lol! I also decluttered my wardrobe, feels very freeing to get old stuff removed! 
Today I met my mom in town, we did some shopping, and had some tapas. After that we went home to have coffee with my dad (he doesn’t leave the house anymore due to his disease), and also played a board game. That was some nice “family time”, which we rarely spend together. But now I’m happy to be home alone again! 
Day 1 again.
It was our 22nd wedding anniversary yesterday and we had booked in for a lovely meal and had drinks throughout.
I really need to work at getting dry. I just think oh I’ve stopped before so it will be easy. Truth is it gets harder and harder for me to say No.
I have done nothing today apart from laze about watching films on TV.
No headache but totally drained of energy.
I know I can do this I just need to put a lot more effort into getting sober. I’m doing it half arsed and think f@$£ it and use any excuse to go to the pub. I even talk to friends in the pub and tell them everything I’ve learned about alcohol in the books I’ve read.
This week will be quite easy as I’m off work and dont drink while I’m off. I know that may sound backside first .
Anyway Day 1 almost done I’m still off the cigarettes 80 days now and I know I’ll never smoke again. I’ll be checking in everyday now and may even start my own thread on how I’m doing so that I dont take up your time waffling on.
Wonderful share Jess.
Good for you. I am happy you are figuring out things soberly and taking care of the really great person I’ve had the pleasure to meet here on TS. Well done my friend. I’m glad you shared.
Absolutely. I’ve had many times, especially when first getting out of a bender, that I had to force food down my throat because I knew I needed nutrition but had no appetite whatsoever.
@anon53116147 Strange, I also had a drinking dream. Here’s what’s weird about mine; while I’m debating whether to cave in or not, the alcohol always disappears! 
I wake up like, “WTF??”
Same here. I like the socialization of it, but it was always hit-or-miss, because sometimes I’d leave a meeting wanting to drink even more. I am going to get my 30-day chip this time. I don’t know why, but I just feel like it would help. And the otters are just adorable!
This 
Yes. I don’t think I’ve met anybody who had just a substance abuse problem without underlying emotional difficulties. Unfortunately, my personal issues are things the average person wouldn’t understand and even with a therapist I’m not comfortable talking about it.
You really have been going through some upheaval this year. I’m so glad you’re still sober and stronger for it. Keep up the good work! 
Day 19
Neighbor Joe is driving me straight up apeshit. His TV has burnt out, so he knocks on my door like 8 times a day because he’s bored, like I don’t have stuff I want or need to do. I’m about to give my own 
television so he’ll leave me alone.
Otherwise, nothing much to report. Slept in later than I wanted to. Got some rain last night which means crippling humidity today. So, I’m just going to spend day trying to clean. Doing well on cigarettes. Still use chew however; I quit smoking so I can breathe well enough to start backpacking again. How long does it take for lung function to start coming back?
Anyway, I’ll check back in if anything happens. Everybody have a great sober Sunday!
Sooooo I managed to not only attend the wedding but went to a second event afterwards at this sports bar without having a single alcoholic beverage!!
As proud if myself I am I’m not going to lie. That was one of the hardest things I’ve done. The wedding was easy cause it wasn’t open bar. But the bar was hard cause everyone was drinking and it was right there!
I even had my husband add some alcohol to my orange juice. But as it sat there in front of me for like 10 minutes I just knew I didn’t want to get drunk and it would just mess up my clean streak and I knew it wasn’t worth it. So I pushed it to the side and poured me up a new cup of orange juice and that’s what I drunk all night!
I don’t remember ever going to a wedding or bar without drinking the night away! Surprisingly I still had fun! I still enjoyed myself sober!
Well until my husband got drunk and patronized me the entire ride home. I had to tell myself it wasn’t really him talking it was the disease. Thankfully we made it home safely. And he don’t remember all the awful things he said on the ride home which I knew would happen.
I’m grateful Im able to forgive him since I’ve been there and done that! Hopefully he will choose to be sober one day but it’s his choice not mine. I probably won’t go out with him again if he’s going to be drinking. He’s still in the bed hung over and I’m up and and about to prepare dinner.
I’m grateful I’m sober this afternoon and didn’t give in when I got weak!
Thanks @Dazercat your advice really helped me out!
Day 79
Just been pottering about and doing some easy crafts, nothing stressful x
Feeling a little flat. Been having random crappy memories from so many years ago…I thought to myself that I should probably expect a lot more to surface during sobriety. Tough times
But gonna keep on keeping on x
Brilliant 
. This is what I should be doing filling my time with hobbies instead of going to the pub. Thanks for sharing this and helping me along. 