Thank you . I’m sorta not feeling it today but I know this will pass . Gonna hit up that gratitude thread soon . That always Puts things into perspective. Im proud of you also and the work your putting in . And putting your recovery first is awesome. Thank you for being here !!
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@Bluekoolaid Your doing really well, and managing to cope with external factors and with settling into a life where you dont have to watch over your shoulder or sleep with one eye open. Give it more time, as you say train your brain which is exactly what your doing with so many changes. Anxiety is horrible and its great your getting help with this and your ptsd.
I guess with what you have been through it is just going to take time for you to … I wouldnt say realise … I’d say more for you to feel safe and know your safe now.
You have come alone way and really turnt your life around. I’m so glad you managed to get through yesterday.
I also have off days where you tube and documentarys get me out of my head, tonight if already lined up what I’m watching not sure if you heard or Lex Fridman he has so much to watch if you get bored, and he isnt just one topic its about lots and he has guests take a quick look see if it’s your thing, I’m binge watching Lex Fridman tonight. I havent really eaten yet so forcing myself to walk to the chip shop and just get a portion of chips just for to keep my body happy.
Your doing so well, you really have stayed sober through some really tough situations you are strong inside, and you have shown this over and over. I hope you start to feel settled soon, medication can take a while to work but it will.
I’m so glad your here and still sober.
Proud to see you still jumping the hurdles, and although your mental health may seem poor at the moment, now your settled this is time for you to work on your inner self and help get better deep inside, something when you where homeless you didnt have the tools to do as you where just surviving day by day. Your brain will realise your safe and calm down eventually so dont give up.
Huge congratulations on 300 days too 
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You made it! 
Be proud of where you are! 
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Thank you so much for your kind words and reaching out . A lot of this does come down To time healing everything. Not giving up before the miracle happens. Communication really does help . And yes I have heard of lex … maybe I will check out a podcast by him . That’s a good idea . I know that he is not afraid to challenge his guest or ask questions they weren’t expecting. I normally watch this past weekend with Theo von … He is a comedian and sometimes he just talks for an hour and a half about all kinds of things and then other times he has guests … But it’s mostly ridiculous comedy and rants and really not informative. But it’s very funny and he is in recovery and talks about it often or makes jokes about himself. I need to try to branch out and listen to other podcast. Thank you for the suggestion I’ll try to look up a good interview with Lex tonight … Hope you get some chips that you like and have a good rest of your evening relaxing with your shows … Again thank you so much for reaching out I always appreciate your shares and post and you help so many people here … it’s wonderful
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Late night check-in
day 37 away from alcohol,
day 18 away from toxic relationship
I am fine
Yoga in the morning 
Swim workout including fins and a coach
Healthy eating… 2 meals (not that hungry atm, doing a bit of intermittent fasting when I am not, don’t know… I need to stay focused not to drop back into eating disorder, trying to let my body lead).
Sunday meeting with family 
Warm bed, dimmed lights and healing inner child meditation now 
Take care all you sober people 
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Day 4
Exhausted, but not depressed. I’m being kind to myself today and not expecting myself to do too much. It’s an amazing feeling because I’m often running around trying to get as much done as possible. My parents are coming over for dinner tonight and I’d normally be feeling a little stressed to clean even more, but I honestly don’t care and I know deep down they don’t care either so I’m letting it go. I’m also excited because I have been more open with my parents about struggling lately and I know that they will not be drinking any alcohol and I will not either. I don’t even have to cook because we’re ordering dinner and I’m really looking forward to it! My husband will probably be drinking his regular beer but it will be nice to be in the company of others who are not drinking and I really appreciate my parents’ support because my mom does like her wine.
Thinking of you all 
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Thanks so much… And you are right it was VERY tough. I won’t be going to a bar again no time soon! I was too close to a reset. Thankfully I was strong enough to resist.
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Groan. 
@anon9289869 That really is a lot. But brave to end the relationship if you know it isn’t working for you. I’m excited for what will come next for you too!
@Leveller “Quitting is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times” is very true, right? What could you do differently this time to make it stick?
@Lovelylisha Well done on surviving the wedding! And I’m sorry about your husband on the way home. Alcohol really does change people, and not in a good way.
@Butterflymoonwoman Your mum sounds in a tough spot indeed. Having poor mental health, and your brothers control issues (really these are also mental issues), are making each other worse. I am guessing you can’t really talk to your brother? About him addressing his own issues? Or at least recognising they are HIS issues and enforcing them on others is not kind.
@Bluekoolaid Congratulations on 300! Sometimes instability is someone’s stability. I guess that is the case for you. Give it time 
.
@Miranda So happy your parents are supporting you!
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I have thought about approaching it myself. The only issue is that he doesn’t know that my mom talks to me. So if I bring it up, he may get upset that mom is venting about him etc. I have brought it up before when everything was aired out on one occasion. He seemed to actually acknowledge his behavior and he was really good apparently for awhile. His issue is that he has no outlet for his stress except those close to him. He works way too much and then releases his frustration onto others which isn’t good.
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Checking in
Day 195
Work is almost done. It has been a very quiet day (my client is away) and I’m glad that it was honestly so that I could text with my mom and help her with her situation at home Apparently my brother apologized to her and things are better. But something has to change honestly. This happens far too often than not.
I got all my paperwork done and have been reading this book that addresses a number of issues towards weight loss. It’s a really good book so far! I have been answering the questions and determining my realistic goal. It’s been very informative so far. There are 7 keys mentioned for weight loss freedom. I’m about to now start key #1. I’ve had this book for 15 years and never read it. Got it when I gained 100 lb in 1 year due to getting clean off meth and thought I’d try a healthy approach to losing weight. And since I am never returning to drugs again, I know that this book can be helpful for me now 
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This is true, your mum confided in you, and whilst your helping her and encouraging her to get support for her issues not related to your brother you dont want her to back off and not speak with you. Your in a difficult situation. Maybe just see how things go the next few days. Its important your mum feels able to talk with you. I’m falling asleep so have a lovely night and try not to let it stress you. I think if things get worse your mum will tell you try take some time for yourself
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Thank you and you are so right.I think me no longer being his drinking partner is kinda taking a toll on him. I also think he know he has a bad relationship with alcohol and don’t want to admit it. I really hope he joins me on this sober journey one day…
Until then I will just do what I have to do for me and my sobriety.
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“The anxiety and depression isn’t gone but it is more manageable. I’m able to observe it instead of drowning in it.” @anon9289869
Congratulations on this and all the other good positives in your life.
I have had long term anxiety like that where I felt like I was drowning and every time I came up for air I would just get pushed down again…
Best wishes to you for your future. Happy for you that you have made changes. The world is out there for you.
@Twizzlers Sweet dreams… sorry your Mom is having troubles…
@Butterflymoonwoman yoyu said your mom said retirement sucks… would it help her to have a part time or full time paid job? Or even do some volunteer work to get out of the house? Nice they have plans to move near you.
@Bluekoolaid Congrats to you on the 300! I am so glad you are here at this site.
@Leveller Congrats on your day one!
@Lovelylisha Yay you for not drinking the “koolaid”… the liquor in the orange juice!
All of you, step at a time, glad to see the struggles and the achievements…
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Thank you . That is a good way of putting it that instability feels normal and stable . I will most definitely give This time and not ready to give up
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Thank you ! I’m glad you are here also 
. This community is amazing
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She is doing a volunteering type thing for the firefighter department in their area. She enjoys that and she enjoys going to church and Bible study. But maybe ur idea of making some extra money would help also! She often feels alone bcuz she is doing it by herself. She wishes my dad was more involved I guess. But having my brother around my be an issue. Once they move out to Alberta, she will love spending time with her grandson and going for coffees with me etc. Me n her have a very strong bond
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For anyone else who feels like they are crazy here’s the issue… I just checked in feeling all excited about knowing that I wasn’t even going to drink tonight because my parents are coming for dinner and they are going to support me in not drinking and I felt super positive and now it’s about 4pm, they’re going to be here in about an hour and a half and I don’t know why I’m thinking about having a drink before they come…
Honestly I don’t know why I’m thinking about it because I feel so good it’s almost like I feel so good I don’t know what to do about it like I’ve had a really good day even though I’ve been tired things seem more clear I have more energy now because I had a little rest and that’s like almost anxiety, but not anxiety. Energy that I don’t know what to do with so I feel like I should just have a drink but I won’t and if anyone can just reply back and support whenever they read this even though I’m totally rambling …it’s helpful… I’m going to do laundry 
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Day 176
Physically tired. Have to see my mom and sister tonight for dinner. Have to work tomorrow. Today has been very depressing and though I have done some things, there is a lot left to do.
Ok!! Stop being petty and sad in this windowless room! Dont nap now, take control of yourself! I relapsed and downloaded all my apps again. 30 days clean of emotional self harm which i have stuck by. But man. The internet!
I am feeling big feelings and lots of thoughts. I finished a notebook I had been writing in for 6 monthsish and started a fresh one today. They are the same type and size, i always like to see them side by side.
I did 15 minutes of cleaning and now ill have to set the timer for another 15. I brought in new items so I do need to handle them. When Im done writing this post, I will make myself begin.
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Yes, that is tough. Could you broach the subject by asking questions and trying to get him to open up? And not letting on that your mum has been confiding in you?
Alcoholism and addiction is so cunning, baffling, and powerful eh? Its just very sneaky. Did u used to drink before they arrived in the past? Maybe it’s a habit that was previously formed. Either way I think ur doing the right thing by getting rid of that extra energy and not drinking. Proud of you!
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