Checking in on day 32
Today has been my last day of my holidays… bummer! Spent the afternoon at the pool, reading a new book. Also met a friend there, so I had a nice chat with her. Considering I’m not very social, I’m happy and proud of that! (It actually crossed my mind to hide behind my book and pretend I didn’t see her… 
I do these odd things sometimes)
Tomorrow back to work! 
Another day sober on the books! 
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Thanks for sharing T. I would be needing to make a new memory for the candy store too. 
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Hey guys. Just checking in. Went to a social gathering today. Was really nice.
Other than that, I had a pretty normal day.
Have a nice day guys. Peace.
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Oh good. I’m so glad I misunderstood and that you were supported. I love that. 
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That’s really true about the first drink. I screen capped that to add to my reminder album. It’s not just one drink and then I’ll be done this time. It’s one drink and then that One is gonna make me think it’s ok to have 3 more.
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Day 82 
Serious lack of motivation at this time. Pissing me off as got loads to do. Sigh
Quit smoking yesterday. Smoked four drags on a docker from the ashtray this morning which is grim but did not buy more cigarettes.
See how that goes…
Gonna try leave the house tomorrow, go for a walk or something x
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Day 150
Been a minute, this is a longer post.
Things are going really well lately, and I’m not in the ‘that means something terrible is on its way’ anymore, so just enjoying this.
School schedule on track; been making a solid, concentrated redirection of our family eating/nutrition, & focused exercise daily. It’s honestly for my 10yo, an important part of recovery and acknowledgement of reasons & toxic cycle factors.
She’s adapted great and we’re seeing positive results with no weird backlashes mental health wise. Working with a nutritionist and her doctor for safety purposes.
Accepting that those are just that: reasons, and NOT excuses. I’m not denying those things as a person or parent, and also worked through removing the apologetic explanations to anyone other than her, my 10yo. She’s the only person really who’d deserve that if she ever approached me later in life.
Becoming a better, responsible parent has been a long road with a lot of honest conversations and admissions of faults, acceptances of self and FINALLY reaching the growth portion.
I know others around my circle of friends won’t clearly understand this, or will feel like I’m clinging to mental illnesses as an excuse, but I know I’m not and that’s enough here.
I’m exercising daily, doing my other routine parts and getting comfortable being myself, really love learning who that is now.
That being said.
I am, however, still struggling with verbalizing my own opposing views in my direct family circle & friends, and not instantly being a poser who crumbles and agrees or sheepishly just says the minimal amount for preservation reasons.
I have strong progressive opinions on a lot of things with very conservative family & peers who disagree with them, which is fine in and of itself, but fear of rejection still breaks me down from voicing my real thoughts and furthering conversations.
It’s the last vestige of personal self-guilt and anxiety I haven’t just risked and put out there a lot yet. I am planning to keep trying. I want to be real, not fake, I need this part to happen, I know it’s the last ‘unlocked achievement’, if you will.
Talking about it here is really helpful honestly.
Would appreciate perspective or insight on this from others who’ve overcome it as an issue or are count better with transparency.
Sorry for the short novel, it’s just been a while since I’ve checked in and like, this is the most comfortable place other than my husband and therapist where I feel like I can share and reach out.
Thanks and props to anyone who read this all the way through, have a great day!
Almost to 6 months!
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One of the things that makes it so hard is that natural human need to belong, to be connected.
Where are the places you belong? Where is your safe harbour so that you can weather storms without sinking and losing yourself?
We all need somewhere we belong, even to the point where we’ll erase or veil ourselves, if we feel it’s our only option to have a group.
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Checking in day 127.
Went and saw Dave matthews band last night. Didn’t drink. Was an amazing show and so much better without the booze. Pretty much every show I have gone to in the past I would take acid and then drink as mich as possible… alot different and better experience this time. Really connected with my wife and had a great time. Who would thought? Enjoying this alcohol free lifestyle. I’m gonna keep doing it. Have a great day folks!
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303
Today has been a long one . Woke up with some strong cravings to go back to the bottle. I said to myself that I will buy a pint Incase I need it for later !!! Then a few minutes later I thought well maybe I can make it last more then a day like maybe I can control it … but then I thought I never made a pint last more then a couple hours … I would be back to the store with in hours for a 750 bottle and knew I would be drinking tomorrow morning and the cycle would start all over and be right back to the madness… morning shakes , sweats, hallucinations, Not eating and all the negative effects of drinking … because if I pick up I know it wouldn’t be one day . I been having these ridiculous relapse plans/ thoughts all day but keep Utilizing the Halt acronym … Reading through this website today has helped. Making myself eat food. Still taking my medication even though I feel like it’s pointless. I wonder how I’m supposed to get through tomorrow because it might not be any better but then I remember to stay in today. This disease is tricky and weird and wants to suck me back in !!! I cannot let that happen. There is so much more I could say. But I guess for now this is it
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Checking in
Day 198
I’m grateful for everyone’s check ins right now. I’m just grateful for the reminders and the hope and gratitude that’s present here right now. I’m having a hard afternoon. The heat is making me irritable and I feel like I wish I could use. Stupid I know. Stupid excuse and reasoning that’s for sure. I’m not sure yet whats going on. Could be the Netflix series weve been watching lately but not sure…
Honestly I just realized something and it’s kind of triggering for me. While typing this I realized what may be going on. This sounds ridiculous but… I miss being “saved” or “rescued”. Im having some sort of feeling surrounding being saved by someone and I really am not sure what this is about. The series on Netflix sort of portrays some woman in situations where they are needing help or they are needing to be “rescued”. And I miss feeling that in my life… which is ridiculous to think or wish to want back. Like why would I want to be in a position where I needed to be saved!!! I’ve been very strong and independent since being clean and sober. Maybe this is showing me that I need to stop thinking that I need to be strong all the time?
In my past, my abusive ex used to save me from bad house parties and from overdosing and protecting me from “Johns” and bad situations. He took care of everything and even tho he protected me, in the end I ended up having to protect myself from him. My husband now protects me. He is a very strong and protective over his family sort of man. But he certainly doesn’t baby me either and treats me as an equal and encourages me to be independent and strong in my own way. So now that I think about it, I think the series we’re watching is triggering me. Might be best for me to suggest something else to watch. I feel better now. Tha5 urge to use is gone. Like wtf was that about 
thanks again TS fam for letting me vent
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Well done Dana.
You maybe definitely feel the way you do. But personally I don’t think it’s stupid or ridiculous. I believe you got some very valid raw feelings there. And look at you processing them. You’ve been through some pretty traumatic shit in your life. It sounds natural that you’d miss the old ways sometimes. (The rescuing part) And I’ve always believed in milestone malady. 200 days coming up for you is a great big deal! Congratulations on your 198 days clean and sober and working it like you are so worth it. Cuz you are AMAZING 
Love you girl.
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27D
I finally closed our storage and moved all of our gear to our new place. We have enough space. I’m about to sit down and sort through/organize everything. I can’t stop this self reflection going on in my head and just taking it day by day. It’s a wonderful feeling to be honest.
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Day 179
I painted again today. I watched a good movie.
I need to be brave and delete the apps.
One more day until the weekend. Grateful today was uneventful.
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Day 20 check in🎉
So today was definitely a day. Went to work this morning and had a pretty cool day. Left work and had about a hour of free time before having to pick the kids up from school so I decide to go to the gym in between time.
After a Great work out and massage I rush out the door with about 10 minutes left to pick the kids up…. Get to the car and realized I locked the keys in the car!!! We have no spare key neither.
I call my kid friend mom to pick them up and my hubby calls the locksmith. I go back in the gym and take some aggression off on the treadmill waiting on the locksmith to come.
Well $75 later I’m rushing to pick the kids up cause by now my husband is running late to work.
Yep today was definitely a day… but I’m happy I was calm the whole time even though I was irritated it took this man maybe 2 minutes to open the door. I felt robbed lol! 
Never the less I’m still grateful for today and now I’m relaxing waiting in my fresh baked cookies to come out the oven!
And did I mention today is Day 20 AF! These days are really flying by and I’m happy to be actually experiencing life instead of just going through the motions thinking about my next drink!
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Honestly Eric… thank u sooo much for commenting and validating my feelings 
i appreciate that!!! But what u said here rings true for me:
Honestly I do and I dont miss my past. Truly in my heart… I dont miss it and Im disgusted with it. I hate things that have happened and I hate how I felt. I truly do. But theres a part of me that does miss it. What I miss exactly, idk. I think thats me grieving or missing the chaos or the “excitement” of that whole scene. It’s sooo ridiculous to me that my mind misses certain things that were obviously so toxic or destructive. One twisted thing I miss is the struggle lol (like really!!! Lol). I miss grinding every day to make money and being my own boss and feeling that sense of control over what I did to make money. I have always been super resourceful. I always get what I need and sometimes more. And it was always exciting for me to be able to get what I need by being resourceful or making big money fast. It was a thrill. I took pride in it. Even the whole aspect of dolling up for a “date”, the acting, the “excitment” (false sense) of living the way I did, is something that I do battle with when my mind says I miss it. The sense of control I thought I had wasn’t even real… it was all made up in my mind to make myself okay with what I was doing. But being clean and sober is who I am meant to be. Its what feels right. I am gaining a sense of me and who I am meant to be. I have never felt better in sooo many areas of my life. I love my strength and resiliency but it’s scary to think that my mind goes to these confusing places. I’ve been trying to identify this feeling for awhile. And I think I’m just opening up to this now. Along with the aspect of missing being “rescued”. Again related to my past. Sorry I just wrote a story here haha lol thank you Eric. Huge hugs to you!!
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Wow sounds like u handled that very well!! And congratulations to u on 20 days!! What kind of cookies did u bake? I feel like I can smell freshly baked cookies from here lol 
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Thank you and they are fresh chocolate chip cookies. My new addition My daughter says all the work I put in at the gym is pointless cause I’m just going to come home and pop some cookies in the oven!
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Way to go on quitting smoking! 
proud of u for that! The lack of motivation may honestly be due to that. When my husband doesn’t have smokes he doesn’t do anything. It really effects his motivation and ability to accomplish tasks. But that will pass keep up the amazing work!
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