Checking in
Day 198
I’m grateful for everyone’s check ins right now. I’m just grateful for the reminders and the hope and gratitude that’s present here right now. I’m having a hard afternoon. The heat is making me irritable and I feel like I wish I could use. Stupid I know. Stupid excuse and reasoning that’s for sure. I’m not sure yet whats going on. Could be the Netflix series weve been watching lately but not sure…
Honestly I just realized something and it’s kind of triggering for me. While typing this I realized what may be going on. This sounds ridiculous but… I miss being “saved” or “rescued”. Im having some sort of feeling surrounding being saved by someone and I really am not sure what this is about. The series on Netflix sort of portrays some woman in situations where they are needing help or they are needing to be “rescued”. And I miss feeling that in my life… which is ridiculous to think or wish to want back. Like why would I want to be in a position where I needed to be saved!!! I’ve been very strong and independent since being clean and sober. Maybe this is showing me that I need to stop thinking that I need to be strong all the time?
In my past, my abusive ex used to save me from bad house parties and from overdosing and protecting me from “Johns” and bad situations. He took care of everything and even tho he protected me, in the end I ended up having to protect myself from him. My husband now protects me. He is a very strong and protective over his family sort of man. But he certainly doesn’t baby me either and treats me as an equal and encourages me to be independent and strong in my own way. So now that I think about it, I think the series we’re watching is triggering me. Might be best for me to suggest something else to watch. I feel better now. Tha5 urge to use is gone. Like wtf was that about 
thanks again TS fam for letting me vent
Well done Dana.
You maybe definitely feel the way you do. But personally I don’t think it’s stupid or ridiculous. I believe you got some very valid raw feelings there. And look at you processing them. You’ve been through some pretty traumatic shit in your life. It sounds natural that you’d miss the old ways sometimes. (The rescuing part) And I’ve always believed in milestone malady. 200 days coming up for you is a great big deal! Congratulations on your 198 days clean and sober and working it like you are so worth it. Cuz you are AMAZING 
Love you girl.
27D
I finally closed our storage and moved all of our gear to our new place. We have enough space. I’m about to sit down and sort through/organize everything. I can’t stop this self reflection going on in my head and just taking it day by day. It’s a wonderful feeling to be honest.
Day 179
I painted again today. I watched a good movie.
I need to be brave and delete the apps.
One more day until the weekend. Grateful today was uneventful.
Day 20 check in🎉
So today was definitely a day. Went to work this morning and had a pretty cool day. Left work and had about a hour of free time before having to pick the kids up from school so I decide to go to the gym in between time.
After a Great work out and massage I rush out the door with about 10 minutes left to pick the kids up…. Get to the car and realized I locked the keys in the car!!! We have no spare key neither.
I call my kid friend mom to pick them up and my hubby calls the locksmith. I go back in the gym and take some aggression off on the treadmill waiting on the locksmith to come.
Well $75 later I’m rushing to pick the kids up cause by now my husband is running late to work.
Yep today was definitely a day… but I’m happy I was calm the whole time even though I was irritated it took this man maybe 2 minutes to open the door. I felt robbed lol! 
Never the less I’m still grateful for today and now I’m relaxing waiting in my fresh baked cookies to come out the oven!
And did I mention today is Day 20 AF! These days are really flying by and I’m happy to be actually experiencing life instead of just going through the motions thinking about my next drink!
Honestly Eric… thank u sooo much for commenting and validating my feelings 
i appreciate that!!! But what u said here rings true for me:
Honestly I do and I dont miss my past. Truly in my heart… I dont miss it and Im disgusted with it. I hate things that have happened and I hate how I felt. I truly do. But theres a part of me that does miss it. What I miss exactly, idk. I think thats me grieving or missing the chaos or the “excitement” of that whole scene. It’s sooo ridiculous to me that my mind misses certain things that were obviously so toxic or destructive. One twisted thing I miss is the struggle lol (like really!!! Lol). I miss grinding every day to make money and being my own boss and feeling that sense of control over what I did to make money. I have always been super resourceful. I always get what I need and sometimes more. And it was always exciting for me to be able to get what I need by being resourceful or making big money fast. It was a thrill. I took pride in it. Even the whole aspect of dolling up for a “date”, the acting, the “excitment” (false sense) of living the way I did, is something that I do battle with when my mind says I miss it. The sense of control I thought I had wasn’t even real… it was all made up in my mind to make myself okay with what I was doing. But being clean and sober is who I am meant to be. Its what feels right. I am gaining a sense of me and who I am meant to be. I have never felt better in sooo many areas of my life. I love my strength and resiliency but it’s scary to think that my mind goes to these confusing places. I’ve been trying to identify this feeling for awhile. And I think I’m just opening up to this now. Along with the aspect of missing being “rescued”. Again related to my past. Sorry I just wrote a story here haha lol thank you Eric. Huge hugs to you!!
Wow sounds like u handled that very well!! And congratulations to u on 20 days!! What kind of cookies did u bake? I feel like I can smell freshly baked cookies from here lol 
Thank you and they are fresh chocolate chip cookies. My new addition My daughter says all the work I put in at the gym is pointless cause I’m just going to come home and pop some cookies in the oven!
Way to go on quitting smoking! 
proud of u for that! The lack of motivation may honestly be due to that. When my husband doesn’t have smokes he doesn’t do anything. It really effects his motivation and ability to accomplish tasks. But that will pass 
keep up the amazing work!
Omg i want some lol that sounds delicious. Honestly what is a cookie or 2 gonna do health wise when u burn so much calories in the gym??
I can relate. I also sometimes miss the ‘attention’ that I got when I was drinking, esp from husband. Though it was not always positive, I often feel ‘unseen’ or ‘underappreciated’ now. I also in a perverted way felt I was more ‘interesting’ when I was struggling. I think noticing and understanding these thoughts are important. When we shine a light on them then we can see what we need. Maybe you need to find other healthier ways to be vulnerable or find excitement?
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you.
Well done. I’m proud of you.
Thank u so much for ur comment. I felt soo silly thinking the way I did. Like who in their right mind would miss parts of their past? The whole reason why I’m in recovery is for a better life! So why would I miss any of what nearly killed me. But addiction is sneaky and will find multiple diff avenues for getting into my head. Thats honestly what I contribute all of this thinking to. Just addiction trying to sneak it’s way in. Not going to happen. I’ve been on the merry go round of addiction for qya too long (like alot of us). And last Feb I got off that ride for good! Lol
I totally understand this. I’ve struggled with an ED my whole life and I watched a movie about that once and I was immediately triggered back into it after years of not even thinking about it. And like yearning for the very worst things that came from my Ed because those feelings were very familiar and familiar feels safe to our stupid brains wether it is or not in reality. It’s a good reminder that the media we consume can really help or hinder us. Inspire or drag down.
Do you think you could ask for a day where you get to feel a little pampered and babied even though you’re not requiring a rescue? Sometimes a rescue feels like “real love” cause that’s what we’ve equated it with. Maybe you could substitute pampering for rescuing in your brain over time?
Also I’m no expert. Feel free ti ignore me completely. Lol
Holy crap!!! Wow ur post was a huge eye opener for me. Im still trying to process this thru. But ur right…
This right here makes sense to me. That could also explain that want to be “rescued” bcuz that was was very familiar in a sense. I soight out protection even tho it wasn’t healthy protection, if that makes sense. To me feeling protected related to being saved or rescued. Oh man my brain is slightly off lol 
I guess it’s good tho that we are aware of these thought patterns. How can we work on what we don’t acknowledge. But yes I need to begin that process of rewiring the brain with these thoughts. Maybe finding new activities that are healthy that I can relate to feeling protected or relate to my other needs of being resourceful and meeting my needs. Maybe I can find good scores at the thrift store. Getting alot of nice clothes for cheap or start couponing and be resourceful that way lol idk. I will need to spend some tome thinking about it! Thank u for ur input!!! Ur very wise!
You’ve given me a bit of insight, as you frequently do. I’ve noticed over the years I tend to self sabotage right when I start getting my life back together. I’ve always wondered why, but now I realize that maybe I just like being rescued. Makes me feel cared for, I suppose. Anyway, I’m going to be thinking about that a lot in the near future. Take care, and find something else to watch. 
This has only happened to me once, but it was a learning experience. I realized it would’ve been cheaper to break my window and replace it than call a locksmith. 
Nice to have cookies though!
Never heard “docker” before; I gather it’s what we in America call a “snipe”. That’s about my habit. I’ve avoided getting a whole pack because I know I’ll just start again. I should’ve started with 21mg patches.
Same here. Going nuts sitting here all day!
Day 23
Another boring but somewhat productive day. My MH team is trying to get me on disability so I can get a therapist. It’s insane what you have to go through just to get care in America.
I did struggle today with thoughts of just getting a pint. Nothing overwhelming, but it came out of nowhere and wasn’t easy to dismiss. That means I’m getting restless. And I’m not thinking of long-term plans anymore, another warning sign of relapse. One of those plans was my now-cancelled trip to Camino de Santiago. I realized a) Aside from COVID, you have to have a bunch of international vaccinations at least 6 weeks before you travel, and b) I’m nowhere near the physical condition I’d need.
So, I’m kinda “circling the wagons” mentally. I’ll probably be checking in more often in the near future. Have a great sober evening/morning sober peeps! 
Thank you for YOUR insight also! Stating that being “rescued” makes you feel cared for. I feel like I can relate to that too. Hmmm thats interesting also! I have to ponder on what u said also
Glad u didn’t buy alcohol today tho Mark! Proud of u!
Hi Friends. Checking in Day 18, almost 19.
Trigger Warning- mention death and dying alone.
I read here, but haven’t posted on this thread for quite awhile. I try to post daily on the gratitude one. I’ve been struggling on & off for days/weeks, today after work it’s been bad. I feel like a fraud because I post on the gratitude thread almost daily, and try to be positive. But to be honest, I’m depressed and lonely. My last horrible relationship ended 4 years ago & this is the 1st time I’ve ever lived alone. I wasn’t going to post about it, but maybe there’s others that feel the same.
I know there’s people here who care and that helps. But I don’t have family, friends anymore I’m in much contact with. I work from home & rarely leave my house, I don’t have to, and no longer really want to. I’ll occasionally go to a store but that’s it.
I’ve picked up a hobby, and have Max and Riley my dog/cat. But there has to be others out here that live alone, has quit drinking, but no one in their life knows or would even care either way. The majority of my drinking has always been at home, so no one has ever seen how bad it was.
But I guess this really isn’t about drinking. It’s the fact that I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I can’t imagine dating again, much less trusting anyone again. My biggest fear is dying alone. I know 2 people that have died alone way before their time. 1 had a roommate find him next day, the other was alone for over a week before he was discovered. If you’re not familiar with decomposition, it’s not pretty. It’s a sad existence when you may die and no one notices.
So that’s it. I no longer drink so I have real sober thoughts. Drinking masked everything, including loneliness. Thanks for reading, sorry it was depressing. I’m going to bed. Hope you have a good night or day! 
