Checking in daily to maintain focus #47

[Dazercat]

Oh Maxine my heart breaks for you when you feel this way. What horrible feelings to have. I know your feelings are real. And that’s some scary shit. I get that.
I’m not alone. Sometimes I think I might as well be. I’ve never ever lived alone. Always had roommates or girlfriends. It’s not the same. But I can torture myself with thinking my wife is going to drink herself to death. She hasn’t seen a doctor in about 5 years and doesn’t really take care of herself. And I don’t know how to live alone. It terrifies me when I think and feel this way. We’ve moved so often we have no friends. I could drop off here and no one would know I started drinking again. Just to kill the pain briefly and it will still be there when I sober up. Just to start drinking again. No thank you.

What I’m trying to say is.
We take it One Fucking Day At A Time.
That’s it!! That’s literally all we got.

My new slogan I love.
I Cannot Live In The Wreckage Of The Future.

It’s taken me a lot of gratitude list. 970 of them to be exact. Ya. Somedays I’m definitely going through the motions. Somedays I got to dig deep. But it’s worked. And I know you can do it too. I just know it.

I’m glad you let it out here. They are your feelings and right now they are frightening. But you can change that. You are changing that. We all have to give it time. How many years did you drink? It takes us a long time to reverse the damage we’ve done. And I don’t know about you. But I’m finding it, and me, fucking worth it.
I love the slogans. The slogans work for me. Like I said the other day. Pain Shared. Is Pain Reduced. keep sharing. It’s good for all of us. And I bet your not alone in feeling this way. This shit is hard.
Big Hug

[Mno]

1181
Coffee. Two days off work. My experiential expertise course is later today. Still got my homework to do. Got my bio to write too for the second part of the intake into trauma therapy. Busy busy. Sober and clean.

Getting home from work yesterday made me think of my journey of recovery/discovery several times. The train network was just a huge mess due to a strike. Direct trains to Amsterdam -normally a 18 minutes journey- turned out not to be running. I tried the bus. Huge throngs of people fighting for a place in one. I tried a local train one way. Totally overcrowded. Tried another one. Even busier, so much so that the train was evacuated because it was too busy.

In the end I found a relatively quiet train going in the wrong direction, but to another big station where the trains were running more or less normally. Another train and a subway later I was home. All in all it took me three hours instead of the usual one to get home. Not even that bad I think.

It all reminded me of my sober journey because of the detours, obstructions, stressed feelings, the thinking I’d never get home. Also made me think how I can deal much better with all that since I became sober and went into therapy. As well as thinking that sometimes you have to take unorthodox paths to get where you want to go. Might take longer too. But we’ll get there. One step in front of the other. One day at a time. I got home safe and sound.

Have as good a day as you all can friends. Making it clean and sober is essential to do just that. It’s why we’re here. Love from my kitchen.

[Dmcg1987]

Day 345 checking in

[mamador]

Thanks for the reply, and those are really good questions; made me think for a while honestly!
My husband and my therapist are my first line of safe space defense right now.
I’m starting to nurture the few old friends who were persistent enough to stick around outside the barricades I put up for years.
It’s been work because of how much I isolated myself, but I’m feeling happy and hoping to expand my circle of trust again and be a good friend this time around.
It would be great if it lead to more real conversations and such with them as I keep doing the necessary ‘friend steps’ and making efforts/ investing in their time & such the right way this time.

[Pandita]

Hi Maxine. I am sorry you feel that way. I know these thoughts and I can really relate to what you are writing. It’s scary to think that no one would notice quick enough if you were gone for good. I too live alone. I comfort myself by thinking, that some of that lies within my control though. I talked to my colleague about it the other day and she reassured me, she would come check on me if I didn’t show for a couple of days. I don’t know where you live,but Building some routines around connecting with people on a regular basis that also know where I live, also helped. Sending you a hug and much love.

[Alisa]

Yes, there are people here who care a lot!
In your area I think you should look into going to an AA meeting, or if you are inclined, join a church, or seek out a community center.
At all three of those you will be around people who care about you and will help keep an eye on you and your wellbeing.
Let me know what you think.
Keep yourself healthy and safe. I am really grateful that you are not drinking. Let’s find some things for you that will give you a sense of safety and some community.

[ASpray]

Will be double figures by the end of the day.

Feeling much better for it.

Have super days all.

[Planipennia]

Sorry, I don’t know that.

[SoberWalker]

@Mephistopheles

Next time you come across a situation where your mind tries to associate something with your old life. Look around. Create a new, positive association. 100% success if you ask me.

That’s how it works for me as well, great share!
I’ve read somewhere that it takes at least 3 months to change a habit. It needs time to finally click.

[Olivia]

I’m closing in on 2 yrs, but before that…

I’m posting this sitting on a tree stump. My bf is flying his drone behind these bushes. Life is very different from what it was when I was getting started on this forum 2 years ago.

I’m walking off-roads again

[SoberWalker]

I’m so sorry you feel like this Maxine. Isn’t there an option to go to work ones a week ore so? So you see people in real life and can built up confidence by meeting people? Ore find a walking buddy nearby? Here in the Netherlands there are online groups to meet people do do activaties with to enhance your social network.
Maybe I jabber (hope it’s the right translation ), I often want to fix all problems and starts to trow solutions 😵‍💫
A big hug for you lady

[Matt]

@mamador

safe places expand and lead to more real conversations

I’m sure they will. I can tell you from experience over the last 5 years - more or less overlapping with the beginnings of my sobriety - that I made a choice to cultivate friendships with people when my heart clicked with them, and that has produced some warm and deep friendships. I wouldn’t have done that before, because in my addiction my heart was numb.

Don’t give up. The people are there. Find spaces you can explore, like for example courses or activities or something in your community (or online) and you’ll gravitate to your people. Trust your gut

[Misokatsu]

Those are hard and serious things to think. I don’t know what to say that might be comforting. Do you want comfort, or are you just expressing your fears? Even married with kids, my husband will probably go first, and doubt my kids will be at home at that time. Hopefully, all being well I’ll be old and they’ll be independent. Being found later is indeed inelegant, but no death is nice. And I don’t know your beliefs, but for me, what I am sure I won’t know about doesn’t bother me too much. Are you bothered more about being lonely while you are alive, perhaps? That is something you can control or change, regardless of having a romantic partner.

[Misokatsu]

Exciting! Good job.

[SoberWalker]

#Day 1444
“Keep going, keep growing”
That’s my motto and that’s why I have that little behind my sober days.
When I am on holiday I reflect my life and so I did last 2 weeks when I was away in Turkey.
Where do I stand, what have I learned and where do I wanna go to?
Most of all I want to work on my self esteem.
I look confident, but I’m good in faking that.
Next 4 months ore so I am the manager of the store I work in. The manager is temporary helping out another store. I know I can do it, I did it before but still…I’m afraid.
I’m a overthinker, so when I let myself go all worstcase senarios are dropping by 😵‍💫
So I try not to think to much. When I catch myself thinking of work I say no to myself and try to distract myself. I still have the days off before monday. So I’m not allowing my head going in work modus. Monday it is, not today!

So I keep going, one day at a time. Sober ofcourse.
Thank you for listening

[Twizzlers]

So proud of you, congratulations on day 18
I think lots of people worry about the things you are mentioning here.

For me when I drank and took cocaine I use to wake up every morning, look at the ceiling and think well my son didnt have to find me passed away, sigh with relief then call my dealer and go to the shop to get drink to hide all my feelings that were caused from my addiction and all the ones that caused my addiction.
I know your have health conditions too so your worry doesnt just stem from your addiction.
Its natural to worry a bit, but if its something your thinking about all the time speaking with your dr may help.

I think I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I’m 37, when my son moves out which will probably be in the next year or two he is 20 yrs old.
I worry I’m going to never meet the right person and going to be on my own all my life. I see lately and notice that my family wouldnt notice they are not interested in me and dont notice any good or bad that happens in my life where as I pay attention and care to theirs i just dont get that back (except my son).

My family dont ever phone me it was always me doing the visits and calling everyday to see how they are which I guess stemmed from my own loneliness knowing it was all just me trying to build the closeness is really upsetting.

I do have some part to play in my loneliness that when it comes to the staying in and only going out when necessary to the food shops, and I’m not willing due to anxiety to go out in the world and live out there, change what I am in control of because I’m so stuck in my own bubble in a way and I guess that makes me feel safe.
The realisation that I have to build my own support system and new friends is difficult.
Some have this naturally and others like us we have to build then ourselves. Small changes and time make this happen I guess.

I’m sorry your feeling so worried about passing and not being found, it does happen and it is sad.
But your here and you can try and get out your comfort zone, and get out in the community.
I know this is so much easier said than done, its something im working on myself that i cant get to last more then a 2 week phase but it does feel good whilst doing it.

Even home support, if you feel you need it but just dont know where to start google stuff in your area and make the phone call.
Where I am there is a bus that picks up people and takes them to community spaces to spend time together for fun stuff, but also for your health if your struggling and dont know where to start to get some support at home try and find out who you need to speak to because once you make a call usually help is available to support you to get help to meet your needs emotionally and physically, once you speak to the right people they will set everything up for you.
If you need some support with research for this I can help you. I’m in the UK, but It doesnt matter where you are I can support you with this.

I have no friends to be honest most of my life the people I have met have just walked all over me and took advantage of my kindness. That doesn’t mean all people are like this I know that but it’s a fear for me.
I’m happy to have eveyone here, I often wonder where I’d be without being apart of this community, and being here was the first time I made online friends and opened up about my addictions - sharing the worst part of me and finding out id been accepted for who I am, while my family seem to not have a care in the world, you have done this too and it really is something to be proud of to do this.
I have been going to meetings and trying to get out there abit in the community but I feel safer at home, that doesn’t mean that I’m helping my self or I know what’s best for myself honestly its fear of messing up for me I think or not being accepted.

I’m glad you posted, there is nothing worse than feeling all these emotions and fears and worries and feeling like you have no one to talk to about them.
We are always here for you I know our experiences are similar and very different at the same time. But if theres anything I can do to help you access services and help in your area for your health needs and just to get you out to have some human Interaction I will do my best to help you set this up, if you would like that.

[Juli1]

Day 41

Trigger warning… Writing about earlier drinking habbits (wine)

I was at the Doc this morning (by bike again… Sooo cool ) and had a real good conversation with her We decided that I will work again on Monday.

There we are… I want to work, also due to financial reasons of cause. But I am a bit afraid about the triggers that I can expect at work Before i was getting sober 41 days ago, I used to have iced white wine DIRECTLY after work … And it was not a glass, it was a bottle. Second bottle followed during evening. That was my drinking routine and my way to compensate everything.
I thought… And was getting more stressed, sad and anxious day by day.

I learned so much during the last 41 days…
My personal highest priorities are:
Sports
Eating
Resting

To rebuild and workout my body… Get muscles, getting stronger, more flexible, get a better posture… Inside and outside makes me feel so confident and self-assured!

And of cause overall… Sobriety!

I wrote down some resolutions on how I want to spend my days… What i deserve!
And also how I want to deal with work! Like bids on a piece of paper… But I think I will additionally make some post it’s

Sobriety with work next week is a bit like next level! I trust that I will make it!!!

Sending loooove
Take care and stay sober!

[Frank68]

Happy Thursday all. Hope you all have an awesome sober day!

[Jana1988]

I went to Central London yesterday. And I met my old friend who I used to drink with lots.
Me and my dad had a dinner in his restaurant. My friend told us that he’s finishing shortly and asked if we were fancy going for couple of beers. I asked my dad if he’d like to go and he said yes. So we went to a pub where I used to drink…
I must say, I had quite a struggle not to have a beer. I really was craving one, perhaps the memories and company had influenced me. I had to take myself aside and talked to myself about what I really want. I had to think about possible consequences of the scenario when I would decide to have “few” beers. I can’t believe that I was really thinking to give in “just for once”.
Thankfully I had to have an angel over my head and I decided not to order alcohol. And when we were later walking back home, I knew I made the right decision. But the true appreciation came today in the morning, when I walked very early around the neighbourhood with my coffee and knew that if I’d have had drank yesterday, I would be hangover and this nice walk would be unlikely possible…

[anon53116147]

Day 93. Up, at it and just taking the day as it comes will see what she’s got. Take care