Omg i want some lol that sounds delicious. Honestly what is a cookie or 2 gonna do health wise when u burn so much calories in the gym?? 
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I can relate. I also sometimes miss the āattentionā that I got when I was drinking, esp from husband. Though it was not always positive, I often feel āunseenā or āunderappreciatedā now. I also in a perverted way felt I was more āinterestingā when I was struggling. I think noticing and understanding these thoughts are important. When we shine a light on them then we can see what we need. Maybe you need to find other healthier ways to be vulnerable or find excitement?
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I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you.
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Well done. Iām proud of you.
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Thank u so much for ur comment. I felt soo silly thinking the way I did. Like who in their right mind would miss parts of their past? The whole reason why Iām in recovery is for a better life! So why would I miss any of what nearly killed me. But addiction is sneaky and will find multiple diff avenues for getting into my head. Thats honestly what I contribute all of this thinking to. Just addiction trying to sneak itās way in. Not going to happen. Iāve been on the merry go round of addiction for qya too long (like alot of us). And last Feb I got off that ride for good! Lol
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I totally understand this. Iāve struggled with an ED my whole life and I watched a movie about that once and I was immediately triggered back into it after years of not even thinking about it. And like yearning for the very worst things that came from my Ed because those feelings were very familiar and familiar feels safe to our stupid brains wether it is or not in reality. Itās a good reminder that the media we consume can really help or hinder us. Inspire or drag down.
Do you think you could ask for a day where you get to feel a little pampered and babied even though youāre not requiring a rescue? Sometimes a rescue feels like āreal loveā cause thatās what weāve equated it with. Maybe you could substitute pampering for rescuing in your brain over time?
Also Iām no expert. Feel free ti ignore me completely. Lol
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Holy crap!!! Wow ur post was a huge eye opener for me. Im still trying to process this thru. But ur rightā¦
This right here makes sense to me. That could also explain that want to be ārescuedā bcuz that was was very familiar in a sense. I soight out protection even tho it wasnāt healthy protection, if that makes sense. To me feeling protected related to being saved or rescued. Oh man my brain is slightly off lol 
I guess itās good tho that we are aware of these thought patterns. How can we work on what we donāt acknowledge. But yes I need to begin that process of rewiring the brain with these thoughts. Maybe finding new activities that are healthy that I can relate to feeling protected or relate to my other needs of being resourceful and meeting my needs. Maybe I can find good scores at the thrift store. Getting alot of nice clothes for cheap or start couponing and be resourceful that way lol idk. I will need to spend some tome thinking about it! Thank u for ur input!!! Ur very wise!
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Youāve given me a bit of insight, as you frequently do. Iāve noticed over the years I tend to self sabotage right when I start getting my life back together. Iāve always wondered why, but now I realize that maybe I just like being rescued. Makes me feel cared for, I suppose. Anyway, Iām going to be thinking about that a lot in the near future. Take care, and find something else to watch. 
This has only happened to me once, but it was a learning experience. I realized it wouldāve been cheaper to break my window and replace it than call a locksmith. 
Nice to have cookies though!
Never heard ādockerā before; I gather itās what we in America call a āsnipeā. Thatās about my habit. Iāve avoided getting a whole pack because I know Iāll just start again. I shouldāve started with 21mg patches.
Same here. Going nuts sitting here all day!
Day 23
Another boring but somewhat productive day. My MH team is trying to get me on disability so I can get a therapist. Itās insane what you have to go through just to get care in America.
I did struggle today with thoughts of just getting a pint. Nothing overwhelming, but it came out of nowhere and wasnāt easy to dismiss. That means Iām getting restless. And Iām not thinking of long-term plans anymore, another warning sign of relapse. One of those plans was my now-cancelled trip to Camino de Santiago. I realized a) Aside from COVID, you have to have a bunch of international vaccinations at least 6 weeks before you travel, and b) Iām nowhere near the physical condition Iād need.
So, Iām kinda ācircling the wagonsā mentally. Iāll probably be checking in more often in the near future. Have a great sober evening/morning sober peeps! 
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Day 319 AF
Whatās good, fam.
Been trying to catch up with everyoneās posts. Almost there. Congrats to those reaching milestones. Proud of ya!
Had a few off nights. Felt like my head was gonna pop. I snapped on my oldest son. I said some things to him that I shouldnāt have. It was fucked up on my part. I felt terrible afterwards. He hasnāt been able to sleep. My wife and I have tried talking to him, but he doesnāt tell us whatās wrong with him. He makes up different stories every time. Some nights heās okay, and some nights heāll wake up like 12am-1am wanting to sleep with us. Last night he woke up sleep walking, which was trippy. He seems to be doing okay now, but weāll see. Talked to my wife and told her we need to be patient with him and try to figure this out together.
Well, Ima jump off. Yall have a goodnight. Take care.
We are all in this together. ODAAT. Peace.
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Thank you for YOUR insight also! Stating that being ārescuedā makes you feel cared for. I feel like I can relate to that too. Hmmm thats interesting also! I have to ponder on what u said also
Glad u didnāt buy alcohol today tho Mark! Proud of u!
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Hi Friends. Checking in Day 18, almost 19.
Trigger Warning- mention death and dying alone.
I read here, but havenāt posted on this thread for quite awhile. I try to post daily on the gratitude one. Iāve been struggling on & off for days/weeks, today after work itās been bad. I feel like a fraud because I post on the gratitude thread almost daily, and try to be positive. But to be honest, Iām depressed and lonely. My last horrible relationship ended 4 years ago & this is the 1st time Iāve ever lived alone. I wasnāt going to post about it, but maybe thereās others that feel the same.
I know thereās people here who care and that helps. But I donāt have family, friends anymore Iām in much contact with. I work from home & rarely leave my house, I donāt have to, and no longer really want to. Iāll occasionally go to a store but thatās it.
Iāve picked up a hobby, and have Max and Riley my dog/cat. But there has to be others out here that live alone, has quit drinking, but no one in their life knows or would even care either way. The majority of my drinking has always been at home, so no one has ever seen how bad it was.
But I guess this really isnāt about drinking. Itās the fact that I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I canāt imagine dating again, much less trusting anyone again. My biggest fear is dying alone. I know 2 people that have died alone way before their time. 1 had a roommate find him next day, the other was alone for over a week before he was discovered. If youāre not familiar with decomposition, itās not pretty. Itās a sad existence when you may die and no one notices.
So thatās it. I no longer drink so I have real sober thoughts. Drinking masked everything, including loneliness. Thanks for reading, sorry it was depressing. Iām going to bed. Hope you have a good night or day! 
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Oh Maxine my heart breaks for you when you feel this way. What horrible feelings to have. I know your feelings are real. And thatās some scary shit. I get that.
Iām not alone. Sometimes I think I might as well be. Iāve never ever lived alone. Always had roommates or girlfriends. Itās not the same. But I can torture myself with thinking my wife is going to drink herself to death. She hasnāt seen a doctor in about 5 years and doesnāt really take care of herself. And I donāt know how to live alone. It terrifies me when I think and feel this way. Weāve moved so often we have no friends. I could drop off here and no one would know I started drinking again. Just to kill the pain briefly and it will still be there when I sober up. Just to start drinking again. No thank you.
What Iām trying to say is.
We take it One Fucking Day At A Time.
Thatās it!! Thatās literally all we got.
My new slogan I love.
I Cannot Live In The Wreckage Of The Future.
Itās taken me a lot of gratitude list. 970 of them to be exact. Ya. Somedays Iām definitely going through the motions. Somedays I got to dig deep. But itās worked. And I know you can do it too. I just know it.
Iām glad you let it out here. They are your feelings and right now they are frightening. But you can change that. You are changing that. We all have to give it time. How many years did you drink? It takes us a long time to reverse the damage weāve done. And I donāt know about you. But Iām finding it, and me, fucking worth it.
I love the slogans. The slogans work for me. Like I said the other day. Pain Shared. Is Pain Reduced. keep sharing. Itās good for all of us. And I bet your not alone in feeling this way. This shit is hard.
Big Hug
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1181
Coffee. Two days off work. My experiential expertise course is later today. Still got my homework to do. Got my bio to write too for the second part of the intake into trauma therapy. Busy busy. Sober and clean.
Getting home from work yesterday made me think of my journey of recovery/discovery several times. The train network was just a huge mess due to a strike. Direct trains to Amsterdam -normally a 18 minutes journey- turned out not to be running. I tried the bus. Huge throngs of people fighting for a place in one. I tried a local train one way. Totally overcrowded. Tried another one. Even busier, so much so that the train was evacuated because it was too busy.
In the end I found a relatively quiet train going in the wrong direction, but to another big station where the trains were running more or less normally. Another train and a subway later I was home. All in all it took me three hours instead of the usual one to get home. Not even that bad I think.
It all reminded me of my sober journey because of the detours, obstructions, stressed feelings, the thinking Iād never get home. Also made me think how I can deal much better with all that since I became sober and went into therapy. As well as thinking that sometimes you have to take unorthodox paths to get where you want to go. Might take longer too. But weāll get there. One step in front of the other. One day at a time. I got home safe and sound.
Have as good a day as you all can friends. Making it clean and sober is essential to do just that. Itās why weāre here. Love from my kitchen.
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Day 345 checking in
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Thanks for the reply, and those are really good questions; made me think for a while honestly!
My husband and my therapist are my first line of safe space defense right now.
Iām starting to nurture the few old friends who were persistent enough to stick around outside the barricades I put up for years.
Itās been work because of how much I isolated myself, but Iām feeling happy and hoping to expand my circle of trust again and be a good friend this time around.
It would be great if it lead to more real conversations and such with them as I keep doing the necessary āfriend stepsā and making efforts/ investing in their time & such the right way this time.
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Hi Maxine. I am sorry you feel that way. I know these thoughts and I can really relate to what you are writing. Itās scary to think that no one would notice quick enough if you were gone for good. I too live alone. I comfort myself by thinking, that some of that lies within my control though. I talked to my colleague about it the other day and she reassured me, she would come check on me if I didnāt show for a couple of days. I donāt know where you live,but Building some routines around connecting with people on a regular basis that also know where I live, also helped. Sending you a hug and much love. 
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Yes, there are people here who care a lot!
In your area I think you should look into going to an AA meeting, or if you are inclined, join a church, or seek out a community center.
At all three of those you will be around people who care about you and will help keep an eye on you and your wellbeing.
Let me know what you think.
Keep yourself healthy and safe. I am really grateful that you are not drinking. Letās find some things for you that will give you a sense of safety and some community.
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Will be double figures by the end of the day.
Feeling much better for it.
Have super days all.
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Sorry, I donāt know that.