1217
Coffee. Start of a long workweek. I’m OK. EMDR was, hm, interesting. Did sort of a light version, we talked first, and I felt quite a lot of resistance against it. I did feel something happening inside, but will find out if it helped any in the coming days.
It was a pretty exhausting experience and I skipped my experiential expertise class after. Did a short tour of Rijksmuseum instead, the current special exhibition called Creepers especially. This 1505 drawing by Dürer of a stag beetle always has been a favourite of mine.
Have as good a day as you can all friends. Make it sober and clean or nothing will come of it. Love from Amsterdam.
Day 1 since my last screw up. Another day 1 to add to the countless other day 1’s I’ve had over the years.
But that’s something I’ve grown used to by now.
Thanks to those who offered advice and words of encouragement. Kinda weird to experience that since I’ve mostly kept to myself about this struggle I’m having but it’s nice all the same
Good evening all. Checking in on day 412. Background check for my state credentials is cleared so just awaiting my start date. Very excited to start a new career and one that aligns with my school and what I want to do. Home life is still very rocky and probably not the best time for a career change, especially when I’m starting on overnights, but a lot of fights are about not having enough in savings so more hours means more money. Maybe that will ease her anxiety and lessen the fights. Benefits will also be a great help for prescription relief! Hope everyone is doing good and stay safe.
In the very early days of recovery getting phyiscal helped me, I often share about how meditation used to look for me… It was me mindfully rage throwing wood in our back 40. Changing body temperature helps me, hot or cold shower depending on how I am feeling. And then there is the one that works no matter what… just getting out and sitting in nature. I started talking to the trees and the ocean telling them how fucked up I felt, they are great listeners.
The thing that got me through was when people told me I was right were I was meant to be. That we all are a bunch of emotional messes in early recovery. " It mellows out." that was what I held on to and it has. I am grateful today that I can feel emotions, they are beautiful, they dont scare me anymore.
Youre doing a great job, just take it minute by minute if you have to and know it wont be like this forever.
The addiction specialist that I see said, “You are considered early recovery until after 5 years.” 5 years…
I think your counselors have a lot of experience and have seen a lot of guys make the wrong choice and die. My vote is for you to stay safe for as long as you can. Those girls are only going to benefit from you getting healthier.
So after long break I’m back. Been using all the time as usual. To be honest reason I am here again is that my drinking habits drastically changed last few months. I think I reached new stage of drinking and that really scared me now. Probably my drinking habits was not so severe before and I did not took it seriously enough. Reaching this point now encouraging me to rethink and rebuild my sobriety road. I really don’t want to see what next stage is and I am 100% sure I don’t want to experience that.
Day 6 Check in, I slept 10 hours last night. The belly is doing better, I’ll have chicken soup all day long and take my medicine.
Right now the thought about having alcohol again makes me feel sick. I want to keep that feeling.
Checking in 191 days
So I’ve had a pretty dreadful week with my sleep. Insomnia kinda steamrolls me from time to time, and today the no sleep caught up with me so hard. I cried at work on my lunch break, everything was super overwhelming. My boss has been trying to assert more dominance and has been riding me a little lately, and today I just got really upset about it cause I was so tired. I ended up having to leave early because my daughter was unwell and I had to pick her up from vacation care. So that kind of saved me.
I had my interview in the city for the government role I applied for this week. And it really opened my eyes, it’s going to be such a massive change. The work is going to require a huge shift and will be quite a challenge. I can feel I will be really out of my comfort zone, but will be terrific for me if I can stick with it and learn. I did not do amazing in the interview, I was quite embarrassed by how nervous I got, but I was told I progressed in the hiring process, and they would be checking my references. I think I will get it.
I felt out of my depths in the city. The building I’ll be working in is very nice, I felt like I wasn’t good enough to work there, that I didn’t belong. But I have the desire to learn and grow as a person, I want to be proud of myself.
Sobriety is giving me all the opportunity in life I deserve again very grateful. Thanks for listening.
I last had an alcoholic beverage on Tuesday 23rd August of this year, so today is day #45 of sobriety for me. I’m quite shocked at just how ok I am feeling, and how the cravings haven’t necessarily been too strong at present. However, I’m always attempting to find things in order to keep myself occupied, and to keep the cravings at bay: i.e. work or exercise mostly.
In the last fortnight, I’ve booked two solo holidays for 2023 so far - it gives me something to look forward to & is helping me to strive towards something taking control of my life again after addiction. I’ll be travelling to Turkey for a week in March, and Sweden for 5 days in May. I’m really looking forward to it, and I feel extremely blessed.
very grateful. Thanks for listening.