Lovely number @Lorelai
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Beauty! So glad to hear about 2 mo SHF, especially 
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Iām sorry youāre struggling with those tough feelings. I think we all get the regrets at times. I get the shames. Just overwhelming waves of shame sometimes for Literally no reason. Like a shame wave hits me but itās not tied to anything Iāve done recently or in the past. For me it usually means Iām EXHAUSTED. If I just let myself sleep for as long as I want (which I know is not always a feasible thing to do) it resets my brain. I tend to do do do do to burnout and Iām not great at sleeping anyhow. Shame is the first sign Iām about to power down wether I want to or not lol
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Thatās amazing! Iām so glad you had such a nice weekend.
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Those feelings will come time to time. Im learning to sit with them and let them just be. Im working on not dwelling on them, but instead letting them flow through me, acknowledging the mistake, and reminding myself that āthisā is why im choosing a better life today. It can be painful, but we dont have to hold on to guilt and remorse. Weāve made our mistakes, waisted plenty of time and opportunities, but thats all behind us. For me, i have to focus on whats in front of me. I use those times as a reminder now and try my best not to get caught up in it. Im only 135 dayfs AF at this point but its what is helping me. 
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Welcome home @DryIn785 im so grateful you made it back in. Congratulations on the new job also.
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Holy shit sticks that is a busy day.
Very glad to hear you made a wise choice to order dinner out. Something struck me in your post though that I couldnt scroll pastā¦
Its actually not obvious you wouldnt go through with it. You are an addict in early recovery whose been sick, stressed, and working her ass off taking care of her child. Addicts go back out over way less than that. If money is still triggering do you think its possible to ask your hubby to count his loot out of site? The more ways we protect ourselves and listen to those warning signs the safer we are making our recovery. I know you would never want to go back out, me neither, so I try my hardest to protect myself and my recovery.
Oh and sidenote: I can imagine those beautiful photos of your son in the leaves. And I can imagne the beautiful mumma, clean, present in her body smiling and taking the photos. Iām so happy for you, congrats on your days. 
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Oh im so sorry to see this. Welcome back. Its easy to drink but its also very possible to get back up and continue being sober.
What worked for you in the first 2 weeks last time? Can you think of a night where you really wanted to drink but didnt and were proud of that?
Congrats on laundry and your job. You can keep the good momentum up!
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Day 218.
What a low day. On my smartphone scrolling. Couldnt find the coolant leak source in my car. Just laid around mostly and did some eating. Did have quality cat time.
Cleaned the kitchen. Its late but i really should set the 15 min timer. Ive put it off for hours.
Idk. Idk. Ok. Wound up making myself set the timer. 20 min to laundry and cat litter. Still more laundry to put away but im done working tonight.
Im going to put the fan on. Put podcast on. I have to leave the house at 9. Job interview. What a long low day of gross.
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Wowā¦ idk what to say. 1st off thank you! I was not expecting ur comment lol i never even thought about that myself to be honest. And also, a part of ur post scared me and a part of ur post made me feel relief. It scares me that even tho im coming up on 8 months clean and sober, that im still early in recovery. Realistically 8 months clean out of 22 years struggling with addiction, is like a stepping stone lol its a small amount of time in reality. Im not diminishing my 8 months. It took a lot of hard work to get here but in the grand scheme of things, its very early on, ur right. I think ur post made me realize that i need to stay focused. Life sure gets busy when substances arent involved but my recovery needs to be first in my life. If i dont have my recovery, i have nothing. Absolutely nothing. And recovery for me is directly related to my spiritual relationship on my HP. I need to step up my recovery. I cant start accepting these things to happen, such as my hubby counting money in front of me (he doesnt do this on purpose to trigger me. I just have never mentioned it to him that it bothers me). But the longer i just sit there and accept these triggers to happen, dealing with it on my own, the greater the potential risk of me being in a bad state just that 1 time, where i may end up asking about using. I dont even want to get to that point. I am thankful that i never have felt the need to use. I think overall im handling my stress n stuff well. But i need more recovery related stuff in my life i think. Thank u for ur amazing insight as always hugs 
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Day 4 of hopefully a long while at least. Been focusing more on not being alone as much and Iāve found that has helped me a great deal lately as sad as that can be for an introvert like me.
Ultimately it is good for me though as tiring as it can be but oh well. Being tired is nothing unusual. Been listening to the LOTR books lately, the version done by Andy Serkis. Heās been doing a decent job of it
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Checking in on day 9
Good morning to the European folks 
Itās 6:30 am, cold, dark and brrrr too early. I made it to 5 hours of sleep, better than nothing right?
After all these mornings feeling sick I finally feel good now. Iām even hungry 
A good sign.
Lots of work ahead, lets rock that!
Have a beautiful sober day friends 
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I saw someone I have known for over 20 years this weekend. A career heavy drinker. We sat down for lunch and he was shaking pretty badly. He mentioned that he drank a fifth of liquor the night before but thought he had the shakes from lack of eating and was hypoglycemic. I thought that was bullshit cause his shakes went away three bloody marys later. Good luck trying to tell this guy his drinking is too much cause he wonāt listen. A cold empty feeling ran through me like ālive and let dieā being in his presence. He turns 40 next month and I wonder what will become of him. Spending all those years in the party scene did not produce a good caliber of friendsā¦Not sure how I feel about it all past thatā¦I guess it just made me feel uncomfortable or bad for him or somethingā¦Blahā¦
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Keep goingā:heart:
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Thinking about youš
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Day #48
Woke up to darkness, but the sun is now beginning to rise on another day, and Iām so grateful to live so close to the coast - the sunrises and sunsets here are soothing.
Iāve got two work-free days as I worked yesterday; not back until Wednesday now. Iām not sure how Iām going to spend my spare time yet, but one thing I havenāt seemed to have lost post-addiction is my spontaneity - so who knows what Iāll turn my hand to 
Have a great day everybody!
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Iāve actually had a really beautiful weekend. Friday was not a great day, but yesterday and today I am feeling much better.
39 days AF
The moments seem clearer, the memories made happier, the love for myself is growing.
Iād love to write more but I must close my eyes and get some sleep 
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So here we are again. Been sober for 1 full day now. I know Iāve been drifting between my doc and sobriety but now itās really time to cut the crap.
I canāt handle alcohol and thereās no denying it.
In the last couple of months I drank every day again. A couple of drinks but it was every day. No matter what day it wasā¦
Last saturday I went out with my best friend to a bar and got super super drunk. Woke up with the worst hangover Iāve had in a very long time.
This really needs to end. I need to be sober. No more ājust for a little whileā or āonly for 90 daysā. Noā¦
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1219
Coffee. Two late shifts to go before a long midweek weekend for me. I feel a bit in between, I am a bit in between, in particular with my new group therapy coming up in a couple of weeks but not having heard when exactly. And the stuff Iāll be addressing there (I hope) coming to the front a bit. Abuse issues, my relation to sexuality, relationships, gender. I do not deal with those well right now. Feeling the same mechanisms at work as I had with substance abuse, taking flight, hiding from reality, avoiding facing tough issues. Still loads of work to do in my journey of discovery.
But Iām very glad I can put this work in in the first place, one day at a time. Without my sobriety nothing would come of it and Iād be still digging a hole deeper and deeper. Or Iād be dead by now. So never again. Have as good a week as you all can friends. make it sober and clean. Itās why weāre here.
Pic is Great Sand Dunes NP (CO), October 10 2019. My first sober holiday. It was great, just as great as these dunes are. Lots of love to all of you.
@Jonachav123 & @DryIn785 Good to see you both back. ODAAT for all of us. Letās do this. Together.
@Minatasha Success on your job interview. Iām glad youāre here. Youāre not alone.
@Hayleylujah Nicotine has been tried (and rejected) as an antidepressant. It sure messes with the balance in our happy neurotransmitters and hormones. Itāll take some time to find your natural state again with those. Keep going. X
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