Wow way to go richard!!!
2 Likes
Tonight will be day 206 of no self harm TW for mentions of vomit
Iām supposed to start work today, but I woke up at about 5:00 a.m. very nauseous and ended up puking on and off for a good 2 hours. I just finished puking some more to the point that I had a panic attack after because it felt like I was drowning in my own vomit. My doctor said the antibiotics and could make me nauseous, but after today I only have one day left and Iāve been doing fine except the first day I took them. I also have to take them with food and I donāt think I can eat right now so I probably wonāt get to take them tonight.
My dad bought tickets to go see this air show. He invited me and my sister and it really sounded like a good bonding time. But now that Iām sick and itās going to be hot Iām not going to go. However itās kind of making me very upset because I canāt remember the last time I did anything with my dad. If I remember I think the last time when I was 13 and he took me to a concert for my birthday. And that ended with him screaming at me on the 2-hour drive home for telling my friends I felt like he was doing this to manipulate me. I just donāt have much of a relationship with him and the little bit I have is based off of fear. And when Iām sick I revert to this mindset of I just want my mom. And yeah sheās right there but she doesnāt care. She brings me water after I throw up and she changes the trash bag but then she talks about how inconvenienced she is but she knows I could do it myself. It feels like every interaction I have with my family (other than my grandpa) has to be done in the mindset that itās not genuine and that I mean nothing to them. I donāt even get to see my grandpa tomorrow because Iām sick, and because my dad and sister are going to be gone for a couple hours we need somebody to watch the dog. Itās just exhausting having to be skeptical about any minor interaction. Even things that could be well intentioned feel like theyāre an attempt to manipulate me. Just a couple days ago my mom kept telling me conflicting information on whether she thinks I should take the antibiotic before or after food. Every time I would pick up the bottle she would change her mind and at one point I put the bottle down a little aggressively. She then said"I donāt know what you want from me I can never do anything right"I hadnāt even spoken to her for more than a couple minutes that day I donāt know what I did that made her feel like that. Iām just tired of it
Also when I feel this sick I almost want to self harm just to take my mind off of how bad I feel physically. I know itās not realistic and Iām not going to, but it sucks to feel like I can never escape these thoughts.
Something positive: my boss seems to be understanding and wasnāt irritated with me for missing my first day of work
9 Likes
Youāre doing a good job of taking care of yourself through a lot of sickness and turmoil. I hope that as you start feeling better that things will be more even for you and that you will enjoy your new job. I think youāre doing great and Iām sorry youāre sick and I hope that you feel well in the morning. 
3 Likes
Thank youā¤ļø
3 Likes
Day 47
Hey, everybody! Not much to report, but I had to check in for my own sanity. Itās been a pretty gloomy week, and I donāt know why because nothing really bad has happened. The last two days have been awesome weather-wise. Low 70s after being in the high 90s. Went for a three mile walk before it started raining.
My Peer Support guy from Valeo had to cancel today because his brother passed away suddenly. I feel so bad for Brian because he also lost his father about 2 months ago.
Had had some cardiac tests done the other day as part of a routine checkup. Amazingly, my heart is in very good shape considering how badly Iāve treated myself. Small amount of plaque in the carotid arteries, but nothing life threatening.
Still tense about the employment situation, but keeping my chin up. I tell myself sometimes: āSome days your only accomplishment will be simply staying sober, and thereās nothing wrong with that.ā But I really do need to make some forward progress.
Have a great sober night, fam! 
12 Likes
Iām so sorry to are going through this .
I hope your mom is able to give you some support and I do understand feeling like you are bugging others with your problems but itās important to share. I know you know thatā„ļø please keep sharing here and know that we care.
2 Likes
Been visiting my family this week. Was nervous about my first sober visit. Itās been going well. I have not felt like drinking at all. I have even visited a couple old friends who smoked weed in front of me. I wasnāt sure if i would partake in thatā¦i stopped that before i stopped drinking and im not even sure why. I knew when the opportunity presented itself that would be breaking my sobriety and i do not want to do that. I have fully committed to figuring out emotions and relationships in healthy ways and i feel confident in my decision.
13 Likes
Iām really sorry to see you go Brian. But you do you and you do what is good for you. Take care. Will miss you. Love from the Republic of Amsterdam.
2 Likes
@Benwa10 hell yea bro!
@Twizzlers i think im ready to start working a program too. When i was younger 18-21ish i was always court ordered to aa and I really did start to enjoybthe meetings. I think now at 32 and sober by choice that they coukd really be a great tool. I thibk i will check one out this week.
Checking in day 150. Lots of things have been clicking into place for me in the last week. The business i started about a month ago with a friend is starting to really gain momentum. Coaching soccer is back on. Relationships and family are all good. Im doing shit i wouldnt have been able to do while being a drunk. 150 days of manifesting positivity and success in life is paying off. Have a good one everyone! Odaat!
9 Likes
Congratulations Richard 
4 Likes
Have a good life Brian!
It was nice to have you around, thank you for it 
2 Likes
Best wishes Brian!
Nice to meet youā¦
Sending love, peace and ease!
Take care and make it sober 
2 Likes
#Day 1466 
Tired and having a headache, but that is usual my state after a day of work and band rehersal in the evening. I think such a day is too intensive, but I like it too much to quit the band because of it. Tomorrow we have a small performance at our city theatre. I like it but it gives me a bit of stress as well. Always anxious I forget what I have to drum. We do not play from reading music notes on paper, but itās all in our heads (we hope 
). Some friends of mine are going to watch the show so fingers crossed for me please tomorrow, thank you 
16 Likes
Day 368 checking in hope everyone has a good day 
15 Likes
1204
Coffee. They say you canāt catch up on lost sleep but I feel a whole lot better after sleeping 9 hours as compared to 3 hours the night before. I did enjoy my day off though. Visited the revived museum in the zoo which was nice. Did a spinning class. Had some really good sushi.
Today itās back to work and Iām still not totally relaxed about that. Not feeling terrible about it either and will see how it goes. Sober and clean and one day at a time or nothing will come of it. Have as good a weekend as you all can friends. Love from Amsterdam.
@SoberWalker You have fun tomorrow. I know you can do it. You know that too 
22 Likes
Morning everybody. Finally back to 30 days AF after a years worth of shit. Off today so Iām gonna hit the gym early and than take a ride up to the bike shop and look around. I might grab one if I see a decent sale since the weathers getting colder and they tend to skyrocket in the spring. I havenāt ridden in about 8 years so I gotta renew my license at some point soon. Anyways, have a great day kids. Behave yourselves 
16 Likes
Day 774
For a few days, or a week, my cup has been feeling a little bit empty. I have been doing what I have to do, but no more than that, and not with much emotional investment. Feeling a bit more with it today, did some decent cooking, not just throwing stuff together, and did some downloading materials and reading for work. But still, healthy kids, safe home, much to be grateful for
18 Likes
Hey all, checking in on day 832. I hope everybody has a good one!
18 Likes
Day 834 clean and sober. I hope everyone has an amazing day today, love you guys 
13 Likes
Well congratufuckinglations my man, hell yeah!!!
6 Likes