I’m sorry today has been so hard. You can do it. You can not drink tonight! I believe in you. 
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Day 84 AF Check in
Had a great therapy appointment today. We’ve decided to start processing my dad’s suicide week after next with EMDR. I’m feeling good about getting this started before the holidays. November and December are difficult for me and I always numb myself to the extreme.
I’ve been spending a little more time than usual with a friend of 15 years. Over the past several months, I’ve noticed that she makes a point to make me feel a little less than and left out of some things. She has been like a sister to my boyfriend for over 25 years and regularly brings up how close she is to some of his family (some I haven’t met yet). I’m trying to not let it bother me, but it does. Mark’s response is typically “she doesn’t mean it like that” or “that’s just how Juli is.” But I know her very well and can see exactly what she’s doing. I already feel a bit insecure in groups of friends and am still dealing with the shame I have. This just doesn’t make it any easier.
Sorry for the ramblings. Just needed to get it out I guess. I’m not drinking today. So that’s a score for me!
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Day 139, checking in.
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@Mno
@Miranda
@Its_me_Stella
@Twizzle00
Thank you for your replies. It means a lot . Yeah, I feel like I’m rushing things. I just gotta be patient with it. I’m still adjusting to this new sober life. All I know is that I can’t go back to those dark times.
Day 342 AF
I got my annual review yesterday and a pretty good raise. Much needed. Gonna have a date night with my wife tomorrow. It’s been a minute. My mom is babysitting the kiddos. I love my kids to death, but sometimes we need a lil breather. My friend’s death anniversary is this Sunday. He passed away a few years ago. I relapsed at 6 months after I heard the news. I would get super wasted on his death anniversary. I know it’s not gonna happen this time. Time really does heal. I gotta understand that death is a part of life. I’m glad I got to meet him and create memories with him.
I’m still behind on some posts, but I will take the time to catch up tonight.
I hope everyone has a great day! Take care and stay safe.
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I had some major anxiety this afternoon. Very intense chest pain and extreme worry. I am off my medication (Benzodiazepines), so that I can get stronger and not mask my feelings. The medication masked the feeling and I never was able to “deal” with the pain. Now I’m facing the pain head on. I had to call my Mom for support as I didn’t want to “bug” my wife. My wife has had to deal with me for years. She needs a break.
I’m ok, but I feel like I have gained weight. I feel bad about myself. I pray that my furniture arrives this weekend. I’m still in a state of flux.
I just want to scream! Awwww!!!
I’m going to do a meditation and gratitude prayer. I need positive energy in my life.
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Hello friends, checking in on day 469. Still tired with body aches. Going to bed early tonight. Hope everyone is doing well.
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Wow way to go richard!!!
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Tonight will be day 206 of no self harm TW for mentions of vomit
I’m supposed to start work today, but I woke up at about 5:00 a.m. very nauseous and ended up puking on and off for a good 2 hours. I just finished puking some more to the point that I had a panic attack after because it felt like I was drowning in my own vomit. My doctor said the antibiotics and could make me nauseous, but after today I only have one day left and I’ve been doing fine except the first day I took them. I also have to take them with food and I don’t think I can eat right now so I probably won’t get to take them tonight.
My dad bought tickets to go see this air show. He invited me and my sister and it really sounded like a good bonding time. But now that I’m sick and it’s going to be hot I’m not going to go. However it’s kind of making me very upset because I can’t remember the last time I did anything with my dad. If I remember I think the last time when I was 13 and he took me to a concert for my birthday. And that ended with him screaming at me on the 2-hour drive home for telling my friends I felt like he was doing this to manipulate me. I just don’t have much of a relationship with him and the little bit I have is based off of fear. And when I’m sick I revert to this mindset of I just want my mom. And yeah she’s right there but she doesn’t care. She brings me water after I throw up and she changes the trash bag but then she talks about how inconvenienced she is but she knows I could do it myself. It feels like every interaction I have with my family (other than my grandpa) has to be done in the mindset that it’s not genuine and that I mean nothing to them. I don’t even get to see my grandpa tomorrow because I’m sick, and because my dad and sister are going to be gone for a couple hours we need somebody to watch the dog. It’s just exhausting having to be skeptical about any minor interaction. Even things that could be well intentioned feel like they’re an attempt to manipulate me. Just a couple days ago my mom kept telling me conflicting information on whether she thinks I should take the antibiotic before or after food. Every time I would pick up the bottle she would change her mind and at one point I put the bottle down a little aggressively. She then said"I don’t know what you want from me I can never do anything right"I hadn’t even spoken to her for more than a couple minutes that day I don’t know what I did that made her feel like that. I’m just tired of it
Also when I feel this sick I almost want to self harm just to take my mind off of how bad I feel physically. I know it’s not realistic and I’m not going to, but it sucks to feel like I can never escape these thoughts.
Something positive: my boss seems to be understanding and wasn’t irritated with me for missing my first day of work
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You’re doing a good job of taking care of yourself through a lot of sickness and turmoil. I hope that as you start feeling better that things will be more even for you and that you will enjoy your new job. I think you’re doing great and I’m sorry you’re sick and I hope that you feel well in the morning. 
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Thank you❤️
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Day 47
Hey, everybody! Not much to report, but I had to check in for my own sanity. It’s been a pretty gloomy week, and I don’t know why because nothing really bad has happened. The last two days have been awesome weather-wise. Low 70s after being in the high 90s. Went for a three mile walk before it started raining.
My Peer Support guy from Valeo had to cancel today because his brother passed away suddenly. I feel so bad for Brian because he also lost his father about 2 months ago.
Had had some cardiac tests done the other day as part of a routine checkup. Amazingly, my heart is in very good shape considering how badly I’ve treated myself. Small amount of plaque in the carotid arteries, but nothing life threatening.
Still tense about the employment situation, but keeping my chin up. I tell myself sometimes: “Some days your only accomplishment will be simply staying sober, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” But I really do need to make some forward progress.
Have a great sober night, fam! 
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I’m so sorry to are going through this .
I hope your mom is able to give you some support and I do understand feeling like you are bugging others with your problems but it’s important to share. I know you know that♥️ please keep sharing here and know that we care.
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Been visiting my family this week. Was nervous about my first sober visit. It’s been going well. I have not felt like drinking at all. I have even visited a couple old friends who smoked weed in front of me. I wasn’t sure if i would partake in that…i stopped that before i stopped drinking and im not even sure why. I knew when the opportunity presented itself that would be breaking my sobriety and i do not want to do that. I have fully committed to figuring out emotions and relationships in healthy ways and i feel confident in my decision.
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I’m really sorry to see you go Brian. But you do you and you do what is good for you. Take care. Will miss you. Love from the Republic of Amsterdam.
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@Benwa10 hell yea bro!
@Twizzle00 i think im ready to start working a program too. When i was younger 18-21ish i was always court ordered to aa and I really did start to enjoybthe meetings. I think now at 32 and sober by choice that they coukd really be a great tool. I thibk i will check one out this week.
Checking in day 150. Lots of things have been clicking into place for me in the last week. The business i started about a month ago with a friend is starting to really gain momentum. Coaching soccer is back on. Relationships and family are all good. Im doing shit i wouldnt have been able to do while being a drunk. 150 days of manifesting positivity and success in life is paying off. Have a good one everyone! Odaat!
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Congratulations Richard 
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Have a good life Brian!
It was nice to have you around, thank you for it 
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Best wishes Brian!
Nice to meet you…
Sending love, peace and ease!
Take care and make it sober 
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#Day 1466 
Tired and having a headache, but that is usual my state after a day of work and band rehersal in the evening. I think such a day is too intensive, but I like it too much to quit the band because of it. Tomorrow we have a small performance at our city theatre. I like it but it gives me a bit of stress as well. Always anxious I forget what I have to drum. We do not play from reading music notes on paper, but it’s all in our heads (we hope 
). Some friends of mine are going to watch the show so fingers crossed for me please tomorrow, thank you 
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