today is the 5 year anniversary of when one of my best friends killed himself at age 12. every year I get pretty depressed on the anniversary and I blame myself. for whatever reason today I’ve just been super irritable and angry at everybody. I didn’t want to be talked to by anybody today I just wanted to lay down in silence because every time somebody talked I would just get annoyed. definitely doesn’t help that I work in a daycare so obviously I have to be gentle with children and they are going to talk a lot. I don’t think I showed any of that at work, at least I hope I didn’t show any anger. I was just extra tired after work. the worst part about it is knowing all of the things that he never got to do and wondering why I got to do them. I almost feel like I have survivor’s guilt in a weird way. like typically you see that in situations where people were in a traumatic situation like a shooting and the people who survived feel guilty. I just happen to also struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts and I don’t understand why I’m the one who is still here. I hate to compare him and to compare myself, but I feel like if anybody deserved a future it should have been him. I know that’s just my self hatred but it’s probably why I feel so angry. a lot of it is directed at myself. I just don’t understand why I’m the one who got the opportunity to get some help and who has somewhat grown as a person and gotten a little better. I know he would have done a lot of good in his life. he did a lot of good in the short time he had. as I’m writing this I’m actually getting more depressed than angry, but it’s got to get out somehow. and talking about it helps because in a way you are all strangers. we know each other but we don’t interact in real life and that provides a level of comfort and security. I’m kind of just rambling at this point but as upsetting as it is, feels good to get that kind of stuff off my chest. I didn’t realize how much was going through my head until I started to type it out.
something positive: tomorrow is pajama day at work so I get to be comfy. I also got some pizza today.
Lego progress: 2 photos today because it has stained glass windows!!!
Day 27
I’m on my way to work, the trains are pretty empty. I think most folks took some days off bc next week Tuesday is a holiday here. I’ll have a looong weekend too (4 days yay) and I think I’ll hang out here pretty often because such a long weekend always was a good time to switch my sober lights off. But not this time.
The burger yesterday was a bad idea, my body likes the healthy food more. It felt like a rock in my stomach
Today will be a very warm October day here (23° C / 75° F) and hopefully some sun to enjoy on my way home.
Have a beautiful sober day friends
Can’t keep up with this thread! But that’s a good thing. So many people here trying to stay sober and that’s amazing. Sobriety has been life changing for me! Thinking back to when I finally had enough of killing myself with my addictions and I quit my job and moved in with my in-laws and focused solely on getting sober. At the time I was supporting my family and had a mortgage to pay and had no clue how I was going to figure it all out. It felt like I had this huge tsunami wave coming for me. But literally everything worked out. I had to trust God. I’m not even religious but I swear he has been looking out for me.
I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing my life has been these last 3 years!!! I’ve literally done more and traveled more and experienced more joy since I’ve been sober than I did the rest of my entire life combined. No kidding! It wasn’t easy especially in the beginning but damn was it worth it. So if you’re struggling today just keep going. It helped me to think of sobriety like an experiment. What’s behind 30 days? 100 days?? 500 days?? I mean I literally had never tried it, why not just see how it feels. And now I am here trying to get to 1000 days. I can’t believe it.
Well I guess that’s my rant for today. Love you guys! Have a great sober day.
Wow! That’s amazing!! I didn’t even know they made windows like that for leggos! I might need to start building some leggos. Enjoy pajama day and pizza
Day 808
Work is pottering along. Not long til mid-terms! I had a headache for almost two days. Have finally kicked it now. Busy with kids stuff, karate tournament, school concert, organising various vaccinations, etc.
My son is developing dermatillomania. His scabs from mosquito bites -from the summer - are just getting bigger and bigger. I wish I could shoulder some of his stress. I sometimes feel guilty I had kids at all. Of course some of my unstable mental issues DNA would be passed down.
Marriage is still stuff getting swept under the carpet and I am being obstinate to want to talk about it and deal with it.
At least I’m sober, peeps. Keep fighting the good fight all.
Good morning, everybody, I’m just checking in Day 66 for me & I’m looking forward to four consecutive days off work now. Got some things lined up including a haircut, Xmas shopping & attending the Rugby tomorrow, so its activity filled, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Overall, I’m feeling fairly good today. Slept quite well & I’m just sitting down and relaxing with a warm mug of tea while I await the sunrise. Not everybody does, but I love the late winter mornings here in the UK; there’s something quite settling and peaceful about sitting quietly while the world outside dawns for another day. No hustle, or the sound of sirens, but just peace & quietness.
Thank you to everybody for the support, and I’m extremely grateful to have stumbled upon this forum a month or two back while I was looking for outlets in order to help with my sobriety. It’s been a lifesaver for me, and it’s become a part of my day to just comment or journal the day ahead, and to keep tabs on the building days and weeks in my sobriety journey.
Whatever your plans may be, I hope you all have a fantastic Friday. ODAAT.
First hour… spend ny whole day smoking crack after 5 month sober I replased … I was hoping for od …. But I have to stop it is already late. Well checking in and will keep coming
1238
Coffee. My apartment needs some tlc. Going to give it to her today. And to myself too. Sober and clean. One working weekend ahead, and then it’s my holidays.
Spent some time downtown yesterday. It’s relatively quiet at the moment, not too many tourists around. Visited a new photo exhibition in the city’s archives which turned out to be some sort of a reunion, talking with other 40, 50 and 60 something locals about the pictures on display. Met an old mate from basketball who invited me to a pick up game on Monday nights. I think I’ll take him up on it and see how it goes after not touching a ball for at least a decade.
All nothing special and nothing to do with addiction. Well. It’s the life I’m living following active addiction. A life no longer ruled by addiction. Still one day at a time. And still working on my recovery, on my road of discovery. Have as good a day as you can all. Clean and sober. Love from Amsterdam.
Checking in, day 721. I’m being bored on the train, will be travelling all day long. Being quite emotional lately, also struggling with constant headache that makes me impatient. Otherwise everything’s fine, ups and downs as usual.
Day 4, slept from like 2pm to 1am so my schedule is still a mess.
Chipping away at some cleaning in my room, but it’s still super overwhelming.
I think I’ll go get some dunkin donuts for motivation.
Day 11. Coffee and waking up. Bit of a headache this morning but not to bad. I’m hoping I can build on yesterday’s better mood. Honestly it felt weird to actually feel better. Now thinking ahead to the weekend and trying to plan a few things. I don’t do well with a lot of free time, but at the same time my depression makes it hard to get out and do stuff.
Day 98 free from alcohol
Day 78 free from toxic relationships
Day 15 regular eating
I am tired today, but weekend is near.
My 90 minute yoga class was reeeealy challenging yesterday… Our teacher noticed that we are all in a good form and so he made a class that required a loooot of strength.
Of cause Yoga is not about comparisons, but I was able to make it very well and he commended me Now I have real sore muscles…
Let’s go on with swim workout tonight and another one Saturday at noon (with training partner )…
Further plans for the weekend is cinema again… I booked a very cool 4D premium seat for the thriller “Smile”. Booked the show in the early evening and will pick-up some Sushi at a new recommended take away in my city afterwards
So I will enjoy some sushi at home in cozy place and just relax, nap, do some more yoga (maybe yin style as i am in pms mode).
On Sunday it’s family time what means eating is covered by “moms kitchen”
No toxic relationships of cause…
Working on my online course. If my regular group therapy will come to end, I will maybe joyn a CoDa group, even if it’s just virtual, to go on working on this topic.
Eating is okay… Bit less, but no big dramas and overrating the whole thing.
Day 66 for me & I’m looking forward to four consecutive days off work now. Got some things lined up including a haircut, Xmas shopping & attending the Rugby tomorrow, so its activity filled, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
what means eating is covered by “moms kitchen” 