Yeah. I can definitely see there are gaps in my life that need tending.
A connection with others, like a group. Iām not religious at all, so that rules out churches etc, and I have a bunch of hobbies and such little time. Itās so hard to juggle the time I need to make a group connection (or even choose a direction/where to begin).
So itās been in the too hard pile for a little while now. Itās also hard, Iāve been guarding my very little spare time pretty carefully, and choosing where I spend it (mainly prioritising self care, setting myself up for the following day, home and family). I just havenāt been able to find that sweet spot where I could find time to balance a social event regularly. But I definitely need to. I can feel that is contributing to my mood.
As for the first question, thatās a pretty big question. My marriage doesnāt have a tonne of communication. My husband isnāt a big communicator and we donāt really dive into any mutual recognition or validation.
We spend heaps of time together, but emotionally, I feel our marriage lacks the depth and maturity it needs to be nurtured long term. But this is a learned skill, so we will need to work on it. We are approaching I think nearly 13 years together. So yeah, itās not surprising the general feeling of loneliness and low mood seeping into my life even though I feel like Iām ticking a lot of boxes towards good mental health. Iām not ticking them all.
I admire people who can tick all the boxes, thatās a fine juggling act.
Iām looking forward to getting into some therapy. Will give me an opportunity to dive into my feelings properly.
Thanks for listening Mark 
Evening check in. Iām feeling a little bit better. I took most of today off work and napped without guilt. Ordered my favorite Thai takeout for dinner as a treat for making it to day 10. Actually got through the day without much crying. Head feels a little clearer.
Iām so proud of you. Well done on 10 days. I hope you continue to feel better as time passes
Hooray! Good job you and good choice on the Thai food treat. I LOOOOOVE thai
My pleasure.
No one can. Itās a learning process. Weāre all learning to dance, but the music changes and weāre all adapting āliveā to the music 
In our marriage, ironically, it has been the biggest and most conflict-inducing things that have had the biggest effect of drawing us together, mainly because they forced us to ask for input and help. These include fertility treatments, adoption, and more basically, questions about time and money. Ultimately these had been bubbling for years but it wasnāt until we started seeing counsellors (in particular our current one, who works at the same clinic where I did my recovery groups, and he is a brilliant marriage advisor) - that was when we really started to dig into them.
I think the thing that made the difference was the communication and non judgmental empathizing and listening - really listening (including āechoingā: repeating what is heard; weād set a timer and the person could talk for 10 minutes, and the listener wouldnāt judge anything, just would echo back what theyād heard and ask, This is what Iām hearing, is that right? - then the speaker has a chance to clarify) - and that helped kickstart our big turnaround last year.
Itās a learning process. My wife and I have had some epic battles. But weāve also invested quite a bit of time in taking it apart and re-learning and revising and practicing new ways to hear and be heard. Our marriage is by far the biggest project and the biggest investment in either of our lives. Itās weird though, I didnāt realize that until recently.
In a lot of ways I feel safer even in the (continuing) uncertainties of the world because I know I have that emotional ground to stand on. I have a safe āhome baseā (the result of our ongoing emotion work) and that makes it possible to take healthy risks and healthy rest in my life.
It took a lot of conscious effort at first and it felt weird. It still does at times (I take that to be a good thing because it means Iām stretching myself and learning ).
Congratulations kevin!!! Its great to see that number increasing!
will be day 239 of no self harm in 2 hours
TW for suicide
today is the 5 year anniversary of when one of my best friends killed himself at age 12. every year I get pretty depressed on the anniversary and I blame myself. for whatever reason today Iāve just been super irritable and angry at everybody. I didnāt want to be talked to by anybody today I just wanted to lay down in silence because every time somebody talked I would just get annoyed. definitely doesnāt help that I work in a daycare so obviously I have to be gentle with children and they are going to talk a lot. I donāt think I showed any of that at work, at least I hope I didnāt show any anger. I was just extra tired after work. the worst part about it is knowing all of the things that he never got to do and wondering why I got to do them. I almost feel like I have survivorās guilt in a weird way. like typically you see that in situations where people were in a traumatic situation like a shooting and the people who survived feel guilty. I just happen to also struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts and I donāt understand why Iām the one who is still here. I hate to compare him and to compare myself, but I feel like if anybody deserved a future it should have been him. I know thatās just my self hatred but itās probably why I feel so angry. a lot of it is directed at myself. I just donāt understand why Iām the one who got the opportunity to get some help and who has somewhat grown as a person and gotten a little better. I know he would have done a lot of good in his life. he did a lot of good in the short time he had. as Iām writing this Iām actually getting more depressed than angry, but itās got to get out somehow. and talking about it helps because in a way you are all strangers. we know each other but we donāt interact in real life and that provides a level of comfort and security. Iām kind of just rambling at this point but as upsetting as it is, feels good to get that kind of stuff off my chest. I didnāt realize how much was going through my head until I started to type it out.
something positive: tomorrow is pajama day at work so I get to be comfy. I also got some pizza today.
Lego progress: 2 photos today because it has stained glass windows!!!
Day 27
Iām on my way to work, the trains are pretty empty. I think most folks took some days off bc next week Tuesday is a holiday here. Iāll have a looong weekend too (4 days yay) and I think Iāll hang out here pretty often because such a long weekend always was a good time to switch my sober lights off. But not this time.
The burger yesterday was a bad idea, my body likes the healthy food more. It felt like a rock in my stomach 
Today will be a very warm October day here (23Ā° C / 75Ā° F) and hopefully some sun to enjoy on my way home.
Have a beautiful sober day friends 
Day 825
Canāt keep up with this thread! But thatās a good thing. So many people here trying to stay sober and thatās amazing. Sobriety has been life changing for me! Thinking back to when I finally had enough of killing myself with my addictions and I quit my job and moved in with my in-laws and focused solely on getting sober. At the time I was supporting my family and had a mortgage to pay and had no clue how I was going to figure it all out. It felt like I had this huge tsunami wave coming for me. But literally everything worked out. I had to trust God. Iām not even religious but I swear he has been looking out for me.
I canāt even begin to tell you how amazing my life has been these last 3 years!!! Iāve literally done more and traveled more and experienced more joy since Iāve been sober than I did the rest of my entire life combined. No kidding! It wasnāt easy especially in the beginning but damn was it worth it. So if youāre struggling today just keep going. It helped me to think of sobriety like an experiment. Whatās behind 30 days? 100 days?? 500 days?? I mean I literally had never tried it, why not just see how it feels. And now I am here trying to get to 1000 days. I canāt believe it.
Well I guess thatās my rant for today. Love you guys! Have a great sober day.
Wow! Thatās amazing!! I didnāt even know they made windows like that for leggos! I might need to start building some leggos. Enjoy pajama day and pizza 
Day 808
Work is pottering along. Not long til mid-terms! I had a headache for almost two days. Have finally kicked it now. Busy with kids stuff, karate tournament, school concert, organising various vaccinations, etc.
My son is developing dermatillomania. His scabs from mosquito bites -from the summer - are just getting bigger and bigger. I wish I could shoulder some of his stress. I sometimes feel guilty I had kids at all. Of course some of my unstable mental issues DNA would be passed down.
Marriage is still stuff getting swept under the carpet and I am being obstinate to want to talk about it and deal with it.
At least Iām sober, peeps. Keep fighting the good fight all. 
Day #66
Good morning, everybody, Iām just checking in 
Day 66 for me & Iām looking forward to four consecutive days off work now. Got some things lined up including a haircut, Xmas shopping & attending the Rugby tomorrow, so its activity filled, but I wouldnāt have it any other way.
Overall, Iām feeling fairly good today. Slept quite well & Iām just sitting down and relaxing with a warm mug of tea while I await the sunrise. Not everybody does, but I love the late winter mornings here in the UK; thereās something quite settling and peaceful about sitting quietly while the world outside dawns for another day. No hustle, or the sound of sirens, but just peace & quietness.
Thank you to everybody for the support, and Iām extremely grateful to have stumbled upon this forum a month or two back while I was looking for outlets in order to help with my sobriety. Itās been a lifesaver for me, and itās become a part of my day to just comment or journal the day ahead, and to keep tabs on the building days and weeks in my sobriety journey.
Whatever your plans may be, I hope you all have a fantastic Friday. ODAAT.
First hourā¦ spend ny whole day smoking crack after 5 month sober I replased ā¦ I was hoping for od ā¦. But I have to stop it is already late. Well checking in and will keep coming
1238
Coffee. My apartment needs some tlc. Going to give it to her today. And to myself too. Sober and clean. One working weekend ahead, and then itās my holidays.
Spent some time downtown yesterday. Itās relatively quiet at the moment, not too many tourists around. Visited a new photo exhibition in the cityās archives which turned out to be some sort of a reunion, talking with other 40, 50 and 60 something locals about the pictures on display. Met an old mate from basketball who invited me to a pick up game on Monday nights. I think Iāll take him up on it and see how it goes after not touching a ball for at least a decade.
All nothing special and nothing to do with addiction. Well. Itās the life Iām living following active addiction. A life no longer ruled by addiction. Still one day at a time. And still working on my recovery, on my road of discovery. Have as good a day as you can all. Clean and sober. Love from Amsterdam.
@Faisalb Iām glad you didnāt od and Iām glad youāre here. As long as weāre alive we can fight. Weāre in this together. Letās do this.
Checking in, day 721. Iām being bored on the train, will be travelling all day long. Being quite emotional lately, also struggling with constant headache that makes me impatient. Otherwise everythingās fine, ups and downs as usual.
Day 4, slept from like 2pm to 1am so my schedule is still a mess.
Chipping away at some cleaning in my room, but itās still super overwhelming.
I think Iāll go get some dunkin donuts for motivation.
Distraction is always a good way to cope with cravings! 
Yes! Dā¦dā¦double digits!
Are you sure Tuesday is the day off, because here it is Monday? 