That’s alcohol. Once it gets one toe in the door then it is back on the slippery slope (mixing my metaphors there, but never mind). Cunning, baffling, powerful. I hope you can talk it thru in therapy and get firmly back on the sober train.
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Hey! How you doing?
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Uh, nice! I didn’t know there is a boardgame of Fallout. A friend of mine liked the shelter app a lot.
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Checking in on day 35. Happy Halloween everyone!
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I’m sorry about your supper. 
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Thank you Cam. Nice to “Read,” you.
You are always so thoughtful.
I do hope and pray you are well. Give Prince a pet and a scratch from me. 
Maybe we will see you around more.
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Coming up to day 36!!!
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Morning Check In
Day 260
Woke up bright and early for a cardio workout. Really didnt want to, but once i started Im glad i did. Extremely busy day today. 3 back to back appts for my son plus a formula pickup. Then home to tidy up and work on a dreamcatcher. Not doing anything for halloween this year. We dont get kids in our building to hand out candy. Wish we did. My son wasnt really interested in trick or treating. We always put the offer out there to wear a costume and go out. Even tho he cant eat any of the candy, we try to normalize alot of holidays that include food. Like his birthday, i will usually wrap 3 of his gifts in diff colored wrapping paper and stack them on top of each other to make a “cake”. Then decorate it with “cake decorations”. He always likes it 
Anyway, hope everyone has an addiction free day!
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Its okay hehe i haven’t stopped eating since yesterday 
no im joking the thought of not of being able to eat made me want to just eat, i did plan to keep eating but it was more just a thought, iv had egg on toast and cauliflower cheese today and im stuffed. Im sure i wont be hungry after the dentist and i hope its not a constant nagging pain if its only when i eat il be okay.
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Yes and this is pretty decent with the latest Atomic Bonds Update. I also have Fallout Shelter Board Game! Indeed it is very similar to mobile one, easy to play and very nicely done!
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Hi fam, longer message, but feel free to read it if u like…
I haven’t been on here in a while, and my sobriety has been on/off these past few months. It’s strange the different stages I’ve gone through… Sometimes it was easier and I was convinced there was no way I’d be returning, other times harder depending on the state in which I started again after relapse. What’s changing is A) the intensity of my relapses and subconsciousness of them, as there’s no way, unlike before, that my mind can rationalize or defend anything so black and white after such extensive thought and effort - not to mention that it just doesn’t feel the same anymore, and B) the ratio of binging vs. enjoying being clean, as for the first time the balance seems to be shifting more in favor of sobriety and being clean for 1-2 weeks only to relapse 1-3 days, when before this was quite the opposite, if not solely the latter in a much more impulsive state. I’m deep down happier and freer when abstinent, fact.
My struggles are still the same, but maybe more in the spotlight as I have more time to care about them, namely: depression and anxiety. And I’ll be honest, whenever I’m free, my spirit begins to f*cking flourish. It only takes a few weeks I find for self-confidence to slowly become noticeable. That sense of control really boosts dopamine and strength, which in turn boosts more control…
What’s been getting me again and again nonetheless has been loneliness and boredom. The more I keep neglecting my foundations, i.e. sleep, diet, hygiene, tidiness, outdoors time, learning, exercise, socializing… The slower my strides become and more likely relapse is to occur. Without these I’ll slowly become bored with too much time to even think about my recent dependencies - the longer ago, the less dangerous feeling. Also loneliness in my case as after my addictions induced nervous breakdown 1-2 years ago, my friends circle has been limited to housemates and colleagues, neither of which are intimate in the way I’d like to see myself open up. And due to anxiety my love life is close to nill as the constant stress drains what remains of interest or confidence to pursue whilst I’m still sorting myself out. Opening myself up is amongst the scarier things I’m learning to embrace… The fear that people might see through the real, vulnerable and struggling me…
Which is why I’m glad to feel those differences in confidence and contentedness when I do pull through. It’s a higher purpose that’s hard to come by without being willing to fight. Suddenly I can focus on learning, engaging with people, taking care of my back posture and diet, and joining some of those clubs I’ve long been holding off (in my case martial arts) as a consequence of my time and energy consuming addictions. I mean it’s such an effing different reality and world…
I’m the type who can both be rocking my life or rock bottom, almost as if I have different personalities, difficult to see from the outside in any case… But I know 1000% what I want. And won’t give up until the day I didn’t relapse but simply continued… I know what I want, and know as a fact I can feel the persistence numbing my very appeal to my obsolete past dependencies.
Anyways, I’m a few days clean again, and not in the greatest mood, my heart rate’s a lot faster than other times reentering the arena, but I have faith in myself in view of how incredibly far I’ve come, and quickly I’m mentally ‘maturing’ considering how my difficult past stripped me of much of the confidence and experience I’m now gaining. To think philosophically, there is NO past nor future. Literally… Only a conscious now. And even that was never for granted. We all are our own and ONLY masters. do we want something greater before time’s up? Simple question… No complications. If there’s really a will, there’s a way.
I’m actually aching to feel back ontop of things, in control of myself and my fate as I now know I can be. I know I can and want to be free, as vague as that sounds, it’s surprisingly simple and easier than we think. Because it’s all in our mind… At least our interpretations of life.
My next few days and weeks will be a conscious effort not to neglect but pay attention to myself, face and question my fears and habits at every corner, dismiss temptation at the roots before it can develop into more mindless and dangerous cravings, meditate frequently, and manifest everything I know is worth and important fostering. The more I try, the more I grow.
Happy halloween guys, it’s nice to know I’m NOT alone. 
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I am happy for you.
Although our sitiations are very different there seems to be alot of the same feelings around intimacy and sex. My past has been filled with feelings of having to, being expected to, forced to, shamed into so many times that I just got to a point of apathy and disassociation as well. Now in this clean life, during this recovery, I am not only recovering from substances but from everything that came along with my abuse of them. This includes the mistreating of my body by myself and others. I will be honest with you, being celebate for the first two years of my recovery was needed, and I still question whether I am in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship where sexual intimacy is on the table. Although my partner is very respectful and he knows my story, I am still finding my voice. I still find myself abandoning myself at times and I can really feel the deep pain that these situations leave me with. I suppose I am learning in a safe environment and maybe whats what the universe has done for me. Put me in a safe place to learn.
I am really happy that you are finding your way, it is hard and it does hurt. I truly believe that we just need to have faith.
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It is SO wonderful to see u posting. Im very glad that u opened up! Congratulations on ur few days clean again! I love that ur seeing patterns in what does and doesnt work for u and ur recovery.
This is me to a T. They say relapse happens before the actual act of relapsing… and for me this is true. When i start slacking basically on my healthy activites and my morning recovery routine (which basicaly sets the mood of the day), i start to feel it mentally and the thoufhts of using pop up. Its almost like these things are my armor against addiction. And when i dont put it on everyday, the struggle is real! It took me awhile to see this too. And so i can understand this fully when u mentioned it. Its also a good reminder for me to not slack As for lonliness. Are there maybe any groups u can attend? Either 12 step groups or maybe groups related to an interest that u have, that maybe u can attend? I always found 12 step mtgs super helpful. Ive made very good friends there along with meeting a sponsor who really helped me in my recovery. Im glad ur back. Keep staying connected
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I’ve been really behind in the checkin thread, just wanted to give a shout and say love y’all. Feeling well In my recovery, today is 5 months. Have alot of work to do, but I feel I’m putting in the work this time.
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Holy crap Mike! I feel like time is flying!!! Proud of you my friend. Congratulations on 5 months!!!
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Thanks girl, time does feel like it’s moving quick some days for sure. Much love
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Thank you so much!
no problem! she has a playlist of over 100, most of the landscape ones are easy (at least for me) I hope you start to enjoy procreate!
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Thank you for sharing that @Its_me_Stella
I had been celebate for a year when I had my first sober date. Left after two weeks because of this shit. So indeed, a year wasn’t enough but on the other hand, I guess I needed that wake up call to myself to remind me things don’t magically cure itself just by getting clean.
Guess like you, I’m looking for a safe place to learn. Learn about intimicay without the physical aspects. Learn how romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be two distinct aspects of life.
Learn to live and love without being confronted and feeling forced into an inevidable male performance…
That makes one of us, but thank you. I’m sure in due time we both will be happy with our lives again.
Somewhere in the NA literature it"s been said we cannot unlearn what we learned about ourselves. Truth. Just not always a happy truth…
So yes, we’ll have to keep believing we’re still exactly where we need to be.
And I do. As life unfolds itself and my understanding of myself grows, I still realise each next understanding only comes when I’m ready for it, when I accepted the previous one.
And you… just keep doing what you’re doing, it works out great for you I believe. You’ve grown so much on your journey, it’s wonderful to see people like you find their way regardless what life’s terms hand them
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