I keep having this press feeling in my chest, solar plexus? And it feels not good. Last nigth before sleeping I thougt of my father, wondering what went trough his mind when he realised what was going on in his body when alcohol was killing him, the moment when he knew now Im dying, when he started bleeding from places, understanding this is the start of the end. Then I suddenly feelt intense press in chest and felt an overwelming feeling of sorrow. The feeling was so intense, I cried feeling so sad. And I promissed my father I would never do as him. I Wonder if the intense feeling of sorrow I feelt, was his? Maybe it sound wierd, but we allways had a spesial bond. Maybe this was a way for me to get a answer on what I always wondered, what he feelt in that moment.
Sorry for the long post. Im still sober, one day at a time, soon 11 months.
Hey my fellow Aussie
Yeah, to be honest, I kinda kept away from social interactions and places that triggered me too hard in my first few months. All I wanted to do was go back to the pub, join the contagious Sunday sesh vibes. But after a few months, Iām talking more like 6, Iām feeling more able to be able to go enjoy food and soft drinks out in nice settings that I used to drink inā¦ with plenty of money and dignity in tact. It was this time last year I relapsed after 6 months of sobriety because I thought I could enjoy one or two during summer and Christmas and it just spiralled into full blown drinking, blowing money, guilt and bad choices. Iām looking forward to actually enjoying this summer, swimming at all our beautiful beaches and swimming holes, hiking n nice family days out.
Donāt be scared to turn down going out to places that trigger you to drink and going out in nature instead, over time your want to drink wonāt so bad, and sobriety will feel so much better than the instant but ultimately toxic embrace of booze.
I would have your reply but I am out of quota for another couple of hours due to too much I am only at 42 days after relasping exactly the same way after being sober for months. I stupidly thought i was "cured " and stopped doing everything that had up until that moment kept me sober and I fell badly. I had to go through detox week all over again and felt absolutely heartbroken and so ashamed. I am just not ready for social outings that include drinking or the possibility of me being able to get access to alcohol and drink it in secret. I am hopeful though that time will come. But right now i am back to one day at a time and thats ok for now
once I have the money saved up Iām probably going to have to find a roommate. I canāt imagine Iāll ever be able to afford to live on my own.
my parents wonāt let me cook because they say itās a waste of their resources even if itās food I bought with my own money. they say itās their stove and their pans.
I want to learn to drive but itās incredible scary to me and when I get to stressed I get really sleep and that happens every time I drive. I want to pay for a driving instructor but itās super expensive and I donāt have my own car. however my grandpa is looking into giving up his license and if he does I might ask if I can buy his car. I wouldnāt be surprised if he just gave it to me honestly.
the previous teacher is actually the closing manager I work with and she is so much help. sheās been giving me ideas and she actually took the time to teach me how to lesson plan. I may ask her for some example lesson plans I never thought of that.
I really gotta start getting help for the way I eat. I donāt know how because in therapy I just donāt follow what is asked. and i have no one to hold me accountable irl, my only friend is an online friend and I just lie to him. clinics arenāt an option because Iām overweight so no one thinks Iām sick, theyāre so expensive, and I couldnāt take the time off work since theyāre indefinite stays
Well thatās not very nice of them! I would totally buy you a cookware set! Idk if Iām allowed to say that here but I think life skills are important especially in young adults. Maybe buying a car from your grandparents would be good for you. Youāre familiar with it (more so than buying from a stranger) so it would be less stressful in a sense.
Are there any big parking lots that have wide open spaces? Maybe you can practice driving there until youāre more comfortable behind the wheel. It helped me
I was dxād with an ED while overweightā¦itās not as common, but I was inpatient so they actually saw my eating habits. If you feel like you have disordered eating then you do. No matter what the scale says. Just (try) to get something in your body to keep you from feeling sick or lightheaded.
Iām not sure if my replies are helpful to you, but I hope they are. Youāre an amazing young lady and you deserve to be treated with kindness. Especially from yourself. Sending hugs
your replies are always super helpful. thereās a family large school parking lot not too far from me. my dad used to take me when I was like 16 and he was actually trying to teach me. chances are I have an ED and my therapist has said i have ādisordered eatingā but I never really talk about how bad it gets. it was really really bad in middle school and itās been better but Iāve been losing a fair bit of weight recently. I just donāt want to add more diagnoses to the list. I know itās not but in my brain it feels like the more diagnosed I have the more hopeless I get
No. Donāt look for a diagnosis, especially if itās only going to stress you more. Look for a way to feel better about your relationship with food. I had to see it as a tool to maintain my body. Like a car needs fuel or a plant needs sun.
Because i am fine with not eating for days at a time. My weight fluctuates a lot still but i am trying to have a better relationship with food. No food is inherently good or bad. Itās just fuel for our bodies.
The previews at the movies are almost over, so Iāll be offline for a few hours. Hope youāre evening is going better than the other day.
bit of an early check-in. tonight will be day 148 of no self harm.
struggling a bit again. yesterday I had class from 7am and got out at around noon. then I worked on my homework from noon until 5. went home, watched a musical with my friend and went to bed. slept nearly 12 hours and sleep but according to my smart watch only 53 minutes was REM sleep.
today I woke up at 11, then had to go shopping for things for work. but that meant I had to go with my mom to run errands since I canāt drive. so I have been out of the house since noon and it is about to be 5. I have to take a shower when I get home (which always completely drains me) and then I have to prepare a week of projects for the kids at work.
one of the errands was going to the dollar store. and they had a 12 pack of things I would use to harm myself. (I donāt wanna specify and give anyone ideas). I used to SH on my arms a lot but they are mostly faded so I wear short sleeves, which means my scare are visible. so Iāve spent a good portion of the day super triggered and fixating on my scars all day.
just incredibly overwhelmed
something positive/wholesome: every year the church has a spaghetti dinner. I donāt eat it but my grandpa loves it. they make the best rolls but obviously it comes with the meal. brought my grandpa spaghetti and he gave me his roll. figured he didnāt want it. he got sliced bread and told me he knows how much I love them, heād rather give it to me. he also has a hard time saying āI love youā not because he doesnāt love me, because his parents never said it so he finds it awkward to say. today I left his house and without me saying it he went āI love youā
Ending Day 9.
Had a wedding today. Wasnāt as bad as I thought it would be. I just drank coffee/ water and had a Sprite.
Actually hit up the Taco Bar pretty hard too!!
Had a lot more room for food since I wasnāt bloated from alcohol. I even had ā2ā desserts which I would have normally passed on.
I did have to leave early just to be on the safe side but Iām excited to hit 10 days tomorrow. Not a huge victory but really looking foward to being able to post @ 2 weeks and then 30days.
I honestly donāt know how Iām going to get through these next few days. Sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating, panicking. I tried to go lie down but couldnāt breathe so got back up. So worried about work this week. Canāt afford to take time off. Totally freaking out.
Day 6ā¦ this next week will be a make or break moment for my life. Iām glad I was able to get sober to try and fix all the mess. Going to bed early. Gnite all.
