Checking in daily to maintain focus #49

225 days :sparkles:
Mornin’ guys. Over all I’m doing okay. My boss at work has covid again so I’m juggling a lot of extra work which has been stressful. Yesterday I saw a bottle of wine in my work place and my crap mood and my stress levels made me really think about the feeling of drinking it. Which doesn’t happen very often, strong cravings like that. But I don’t often have days of stress like that at work, so it’s a good reminder to myself that I really just wanted to drink my stress levels away.
Instead I went home, had some food, a warm shower and started a new crochet project. I really enjoy the way crocheting forces my brain to focus on the repetitive counting and stitches. It really helps me zen out a bit and I’m grateful I was able to wind down yesterday without booze.
Anyway, I hope you all have a good day. Stay sober friends :heart:

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I’m glad you were able to ride that wave and find your safe harbour. I have that experience too. My mind gets spinning with all the things I think I’m supposed to be doing / have done; and I get all wound up and I start to feel desperate. That happened today actually - but I talked myself down and got back to a safe place. I let go of the overwhelming sense that I had to do and be everything at once; I just focused on one step, one thing I could do today.

I’m glad you’re safe. You may be getting to a point where you’re ready to do some deeper digging? Looking for deeper elements - things in your psychological landscape that may be behind certain patterns and paths you notice.

You belong and your well being matters, in the lessons of life :innocent: :woman_student:t2:

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Day 14. So the bar where I’m/was a regular is next to my job. It’s pretty much every hospitals main spot. Discounted drinks, familiar faces you name it. So I pretty much make my own schedule and time, so I get to come and go as I please at my job. On early days (like today)….I would run the clock at the bar and just do computer work. But then 1pm turns into 1am. Today it crossed my mind to pass by and say hello and “not drink” but that place is my weakness. The dim lights and the excitement it gives me if even thinking about it. But I was strong enough and literally read over my list of reasons not to drink. I’m away from the area now so decided to vent. I just hope it gets easy because I don’t think I could leave my job, I love it so much.

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Almost 48 hours after resetting again. I’ve found the last 2 days really hard with anxiety and agitation. Hoping to do some power walking between the storm here today, listen to a podcast to distract my mind. Afternoons are hard…
Determined to follow through for a better life for myself, and my family.
Love to all :heart::roller_skate:

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I am happy that I met my friends this evening and did not drink. 50% of them didn’t drink too, there was no need to explain anything. I just asked for water, nobody wondered. But to be honest, my challenge is being alone at home and not having my bottle drinking alone. Now I am just happy about this day, I am drinking my bottle, but it’s water. Clear and fresh like me ending this day.

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Checking in made it to DAY 30!!! Feeling really proud of myself and excited for the next 30. Trying to take things in baby steps and my first goal was the alcohol/cocaine. This next 30 I am going to continue that AND work on cutting back on these damn sugar and carb cravings. I know they are part of it and I am allowing myself to have grace with it, after all, any amount of cookies is better than drinking for me, but I do want to slowly get back to better consumption habits in general. That being said I’m eating all the cookies in reach today, you know, so I can start tomorrow :blush::two_hearts:

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Evening of day 6. Met with the new therapist/addiction counselor. I think I liked him well enough. All the regular getting to know you questions. He hard some hard truths that were hard to hear. He read the clinical definition of addiction and I could see how that fits me. But I can’t accept thinking of myself as an addict. We talked about AA. He’s not pushing meetings but wants me to read The Big Book. He said I need to accept that alcohol is the enemy. Part of my brain still thinks that sometime down the road I could go back to being a moderate drinker. For now I’ll have weekly appointments. I think having the accountability will help. I don’t like disappointing other people. (I know I need to do this for myself and not other people, but it helps.) I’m just glad that it went well and I didn’t hate him.

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Day 24 AF. Early morning checkin. Woke up at 3am. Gave up trying to go back to sleep. Waiting for sunlight, to go on a morning walk.

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Cookies are my downfall. It is better than drinking though. I’m hoping to rein in those cravings, esp. with thr holidays around the corner.

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@Joyce19 @Sirluca The first days are tough. Dig deep. It does get better. :purple_heart:

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How are you doing?

Ahh I feel like the first week is always the hardest - as it’s a strong habit to break. I’m in England too. But breaking the habit for one or two days is still time to be proud of. Sick of waking up and seeing empty cans and feeling like a failure and like I have to redeem myself for the rest of the day, and then the evening hits and the cycle repeats. Felt good to resist tonight. One minute/hour/day at a time is defo a good mindset.:ok_hand: Thanks for replying to my comment :slight_smile:

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I know!
I’ve never been much of a sweets person to be honest, more of a savory type of gal. But mannnnn if I’m not vacuuming up anything sweet in sight the last few weeks :joy: just reminding myself as long as it’s not alcohol, it’s okay for now.
One vice at a time!
We got this :cookie:

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Well done for staying strong :muscle: it is not easy at all and it sounds like ever harder as the bar is near your work. I need to make a “reasons not to drink list”, any tips and where do you keep yours to pull out to read when needed? :heart::raised_hands::memo:

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Checking in Day 12.
Heading to the 7:30 meeting shortly. This will be my 3rd time. Really nervous and anxious to go but that’s normal for me. As long as i just go I’ll be glad I did!

35 hrs away from 2 weeks!!!

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:first_quarter_moon_with_face: Evening Check In :first_quarter_moon_with_face:
Day 269
Im feeling pretty sad this evening. Im just down. Im frustrated with my son. Idk what has gotten into him. My husband and I never raised him to have this kind of language or to have trouble listening. Ever since he started school, hes struggled a little bit with boundaries and with listening. My husband and i are addressing the issue. Will just keep at it. It scares me actually. Hes been sent to the principals office more than once and this is scaring me. Im scared of him having to struggle with serious things as he grows older too. He already has medical stuff going on and emotional stuff related to his diagnosis going on, but i dont want him to have to experience, say… the things i went thru. I hope im doing a good job leading a good example of how to calm and how to express feelings in the right ways. I literally used drugs thru all the stages of my growth and development, thru all the crucially important stages of how i develop mentally and emotionally. Ive never known how to handle my emotions. Was never shown. I used to do drugs and combinations of drugs to chemically induce a feeling or a lack of a feeling. Thank god for treatment centres and counselling and group therapy bcuz they showed me how to do this. So i try to pass that onto my son and show him to pause when agitated and deep breathe and how to use our nice words to tell people we dont like something. But i feel scared bcuz i feel like at times im still learning how to calm myself and communicate better and have better patience. Im trying to teach something that im still practicing and getting the hang of. I absolutely dont want him to go down the path that i have for 22 years. He definitly wouldnt go down the path of sex work like I did, but mental health stuff or addictions… i just will do anything in my power to prevent that from happening. Im just feeling scared :frowning:

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I am so fucking sick and tired of telling myself things will get better. things have been hell for 20 years why would they change? it doesn’t matter how much or how little effort I put into getting better. I continue to end up in this rut. there’s nothing I can to do to get myself out. it feels like I’ve tried everything. I wish I could just let myself cave and self harm but there’s this tiny part of my brain that won’t let me do it. I want to destroy my own life I want to self destruct. I want to ruin myself because it is what I deserve. there’s literally no reason for me to feel this bad. yeah it’s been a rough week at work but there’s nothing to warrant these kinds of feelings. I have nothing to be this upset over. I can’t even really say I feel bad because of my past because those things were all my fault too.

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Thank you!!
I got the list idea from @SassyRocks
I post my list on my phone in the notes app.
Feel free to make any changes. Good luck!! Feel free to DM me if you ever need to vent.

Reasons not to drink:

  • No hangovers ever!!
  • Treating my husband with respect and no drunk fighting
  • Self respect gets a major boost
  • No more internal conflict about drinking and if/how can I cut down or stop
  • Restful restorative uninterrupted sleep!!!
  • Major pride in myself and all that I have and can accomplish
  • A sense of peace and calm
  • No more embarrassment and shame because of my behavior
  • Forgiving myself for past mistakes and terrible judgement
  • No wondering what I did or how I hurt husband or others while drunk
  • No treating people I love, including myself, poorly while drunk
  • No drunk driving and possibly hurting self or others or jail
  • No upset stomach from drinking
  • No anxiety and near constant agitation when hungover
  • No dark suicidal thoughts
  • No shame around neighbors if I was loud and yelling or loud music
  • No blackouts ever
  • No overwhelming shame at my behavior
  • No oversharing with strangers while drunk or making plans I will need to cancel
  • Not having to check my phone in the middle of the night to delete social media posts - no drunk texting/emails/posts/calls
  • Not be bloated and puffy and look haggard
  • Major pride in myself and a boost in self esteem
  • No hangovers ever again
  • No more excuses or lies
  • Peace of mind
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You ABSOLUTELY do not deserve this :frowning: what you DO deserve is a good life. A life where u have control over ur surroundings, freedom from abuse of ur family, and continued happiness. I honestly feel like the self talk that goes on in ur mind about what u “deserve” comes from the constant voices of ur family telling u that u dont matter. This is NOT TRUE. They are ill people and are sick in their own ways. What they do isnt right by any means. As human beings we sometimes tend to begin to believe what we have been told over n over n over. I remember being told from about an adolescent age or so that i was only good for 1 thing. And i grew up thinking that and believed it to my core. But there was a little voice inside of me that told me that the things i think about myself arent true. That i do matter. That i have alot to give other than that. And this:

Is YOU speaking ur truth. You do matter. Dont let those people that say otherwise rent space in ur head. Keep fighting. U can get out and things can be different.
Has there been any possibilities of low income housing in ur area? Maybe u can move in with someone and rent a room for cheap? Im just wanting to help. Big hugs :people_hugging:

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Day 249

I am beat. My car is a mess. Worked 6-4 today. Walking mostly. Have free food. A salad but forgot to take dressing home. Tomorrow I will be on time to work. And get some writing done.

Torturrd myself scrolling today. But also cried which was good.

Goodnight. One more sober night cant hurt.

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