Update - feeling ease 2 hours later!
Will keep this post as a reminder that itās okay not to be okay!
And that everything passesā¦
Trigger warning
110 days free from alcohol 91 days free from toxic relationships 1 day imperfect regular eating
I am so fucking not okay! I am in trouble to relaps to toxic relationshipā¦
He called again yesterday in the evening (message from blocklist)ā¦
I met a girl today who is living in another apartment in the house where he is living.
That triggered me too!
I had so much trouble at work, worked over 10 hours and didnāt find a parking spot arriving at home.
Called my mother and we argued in the end.
This is just all too much for me!
Need something that is kicking me out of this modus.
Even had the reflex to self harm or destroy anything.
Or get in contact with him.
Donāt want to eat.
Just want to intoxicate.
Please help me if possible
The pool is blocked by water polo team todayā¦
So canāt push my feelings out in the water
Checking in on Day 44 no alcohol 4 years no smoking and 3 years no amphetamines. Thought I might chuck in my other achievements because they may have been easier to combat in comparison to my problem with alcohol, they are still something to be proud of. I was a heavy smoker for over 20 years and injected speed for over 10 years and everyday almost in the last 3 years of my addiction.
I am working today and very excited to see the patient I was nursing yesterday. She was so unwell the night before last and her organs were shutting down. She was making no urine and her breathing was laboured. The decision was made to have all care withdrawn and the priest was called and gave her last rites. Her very large family came from all over the state to say goodbye. She was given medication to settle her anxiety and fear. Then I took over on the morning shift and went in to check on her to see if she or her family needed anything. She was a softly spoken woman who looked to be resting so comfortably. I asked if she needed anything and she said she actually felt the best she had felt since she arrived in ICU. I checked her obs and they were surprisingly stable and there was urine in her catheter which meant her kidneys were recovering! I rechecked her bloods and her numbers had miraculously improved! By the end of the day that patient had not only survived but was having surgery to fix the obstruction that had turned her septic and nearly ended her life. Her family thanked me like I had saved her but I was merely a witness to a miracle. Days like that are the reason I became a nurse.
We also celebrated my husbands birthday with takeaway and cake at home and an early night. I struggled with wanting a drink but have woke with renewed resolve and excitement to see my patient again.
Moving along quite nicely today, finding im not thinking about drinking so much in the evenings nowā¦getting much more used to not having it and settling into my evening routine much moreā¦enjoying cooking lovely nutritious meals as i love to cookā¦enjoying time with my daughter and im settling back into my work routine also. Set myself a few small tasks today that ive achieved and im about to set some ready for tomorrow. Ive just invited my parents to have their Christmas lunch with my daughter and i so il be making the Christmas lunch this year and im looking forward to itā¦i want plenty things to do at Christmas so planning on lots of cooking and playing with my daughter and her new toys that day
@Juli1 sorry everything seems like itās falling apart on you. You will hopefully get your strength and be able to let some of this go before you go to sleep. Bad days are going to happen. You are strong. Iām hoping that in the last hour things have gotten better for you. I know you love your sobriety and that youāre happy that youāre not self harming. Donāt let the bad in your life take you down. You are strong. Thinking about you during this hard time that youāre going through and I hope youāre able to calm your mind before itās time for you to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better.
How you doin Juli? Just saw this. Wish I could help. Are you ok?
Have you tried a really long hot relaxing shower? Maybe a good guided meditation? Long power walk?
I hope sharing here helped.
Hang in there my friend. And please keep us posted. Maybe head over to the gratitude thread and read or join in if you willing.
Nice one cat man, great achievement, keep that positive mind set. im early starting aswell on my 3rd full day just approaching 8.10pm, i live in england. Was full of motivation for first 2 days but finding today much harder. Would normally watch tv with my wife or play a game and fall asleep but shes gone to her mums to see her for the night which is always dangerous for me being on my own especially as no work in the morningā¦ taking a minute at a time at the moment.
Today has been ok. I worked a long day today and went and picked up some Wellies (boots) for my son ready for a visit to my parents (his grandparents) and a nice walk in the woods this weekend.
Work has been really busy and Iāve felt that there is a lot of stuff whirling around in my mind, but that feels more like a lack of organisation and structure to things. I started to feel overwhelmed tonight by the things that I had agreed to, things that could happen, or might happen. Instead of being triggered I broke out a pad and pen and got things down on paper. Got organised which has helped a lot.
Another day, another positive step. This is what I am focusing on. The positive actions I can do to change my behaviours.
225 days
Morninā guys. Over all Iām doing okay. My boss at work has covid again so Iām juggling a lot of extra work which has been stressful. Yesterday I saw a bottle of wine in my work place and my crap mood and my stress levels made me really think about the feeling of drinking it. Which doesnāt happen very often, strong cravings like that. But I donāt often have days of stress like that at work, so itās a good reminder to myself that I really just wanted to drink my stress levels away.
Instead I went home, had some food, a warm shower and started a new crochet project. I really enjoy the way crocheting forces my brain to focus on the repetitive counting and stitches. It really helps me zen out a bit and Iām grateful I was able to wind down yesterday without booze.
Anyway, I hope you all have a good day. Stay sober friends
Iām glad you were able to ride that wave and find your safe harbour. I have that experience too. My mind gets spinning with all the things I think Iām supposed to be doing / have done; and I get all wound up and I start to feel desperate. That happened today actually - but I talked myself down and got back to a safe place. I let go of the overwhelming sense that I had to do and be everything at once; I just focused on one step, one thing I could do today.
Iām glad youāre safe. You may be getting to a point where youāre ready to do some deeper digging? Looking for deeper elements - things in your psychological landscape that may be behind certain patterns and paths you notice.
You belong and your well being matters, in the lessons of life
Day 14. So the bar where Iām/was a regular is next to my job. Itās pretty much every hospitals main spot. Discounted drinks, familiar faces you name it. So I pretty much make my own schedule and time, so I get to come and go as I please at my job. On early days (like today)ā¦.I would run the clock at the bar and just do computer work. But then 1pm turns into 1am. Today it crossed my mind to pass by and say hello and ānot drinkā but that place is my weakness. The dim lights and the excitement it gives me if even thinking about it. But I was strong enough and literally read over my list of reasons not to drink. Iām away from the area now so decided to vent. I just hope it gets easy because I donāt think I could leave my job, I love it so much.
Almost 48 hours after resetting again. Iāve found the last 2 days really hard with anxiety and agitation. Hoping to do some power walking between the storm here today, listen to a podcast to distract my mind. Afternoons are hardā¦
Determined to follow through for a better life for myself, and my family.
Love to all
I am happy that I met my friends this evening and did not drink. 50% of them didnāt drink too, there was no need to explain anything. I just asked for water, nobody wondered. But to be honest, my challenge is being alone at home and not having my bottle drinking alone. Now I am just happy about this day, I am drinking my bottle, but itās water. Clear and fresh like me ending this day.
Checking in made it to DAY 30!!! Feeling really proud of myself and excited for the next 30. Trying to take things in baby steps and my first goal was the alcohol/cocaine. This next 30 I am going to continue that AND work on cutting back on these damn sugar and carb cravings. I know they are part of it and I am allowing myself to have grace with it, after all, any amount of cookies is better than drinking for me, but I do want to slowly get back to better consumption habits in general. That being said Iām eating all the cookies in reach today, you know, so I can start tomorrow
Evening of day 6. Met with the new therapist/addiction counselor. I think I liked him well enough. All the regular getting to know you questions. He hard some hard truths that were hard to hear. He read the clinical definition of addiction and I could see how that fits me. But I canāt accept thinking of myself as an addict. We talked about AA. Heās not pushing meetings but wants me to read The Big Book. He said I need to accept that alcohol is the enemy. Part of my brain still thinks that sometime down the road I could go back to being a moderate drinker. For now Iāll have weekly appointments. I think having the accountability will help. I donāt like disappointing other people. (I know I need to do this for myself and not other people, but it helps.) Iām just glad that it went well and I didnāt hate him.
had one beer.
