@Joyce19 @Sirluca The first days are tough. Dig deep. It does get better. 
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How are you doing?
Ahh I feel like the first week is always the hardest - as itās a strong habit to break. Iām in England too. But breaking the habit for one or two days is still time to be proud of. Sick of waking up and seeing empty cans and feeling like a failure and like I have to redeem myself for the rest of the day, and then the evening hits and the cycle repeats. Felt good to resist tonight. One minute/hour/day at a time is defo a good mindset.
Thanks for replying to my comment 
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I know!
Iāve never been much of a sweets person to be honest, more of a savory type of gal. But mannnnn if Iām not vacuuming up anything sweet in sight the last few weeks 
just reminding myself as long as itās not alcohol, itās okay for now.
One vice at a time!
We got this 
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Well done for staying strong 
it is not easy at all and it sounds like ever harder as the bar is near your work. I need to make a āreasons not to drink listā, any tips and where do you keep yours to pull out to read when needed? 
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Checking in Day 12.
Heading to the 7:30 meeting shortly. This will be my 3rd time. Really nervous and anxious to go but thatās normal for me. As long as i just go Iāll be glad I did!
35 hrs away from 2 weeks!!!
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Evening Check In
Day 269
Im feeling pretty sad this evening. Im just down. Im frustrated with my son. Idk what has gotten into him. My husband and I never raised him to have this kind of language or to have trouble listening. Ever since he started school, hes struggled a little bit with boundaries and with listening. My husband and i are addressing the issue. Will just keep at it. It scares me actually. Hes been sent to the principals office more than once and this is scaring me. Im scared of him having to struggle with serious things as he grows older too. He already has medical stuff going on and emotional stuff related to his diagnosis going on, but i dont want him to have to experience, sayā¦ the things i went thru. I hope im doing a good job leading a good example of how to calm and how to express feelings in the right ways. I literally used drugs thru all the stages of my growth and development, thru all the crucially important stages of how i develop mentally and emotionally. Ive never known how to handle my emotions. Was never shown. I used to do drugs and combinations of drugs to chemically induce a feeling or a lack of a feeling. Thank god for treatment centres and counselling and group therapy bcuz they showed me how to do this. So i try to pass that onto my son and show him to pause when agitated and deep breathe and how to use our nice words to tell people we dont like something. But i feel scared bcuz i feel like at times im still learning how to calm myself and communicate better and have better patience. Im trying to teach something that im still practicing and getting the hang of. I absolutely dont want him to go down the path that i have for 22 years. He definitly wouldnt go down the path of sex work like I did, but mental health stuff or addictionsā¦ i just will do anything in my power to prevent that from happening. Im just feeling scared 
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I am so fucking sick and tired of telling myself things will get better. things have been hell for 20 years why would they change? it doesnāt matter how much or how little effort I put into getting better. I continue to end up in this rut. thereās nothing I can to do to get myself out. it feels like Iāve tried everything. I wish I could just let myself cave and self harm but thereās this tiny part of my brain that wonāt let me do it. I want to destroy my own life I want to self destruct. I want to ruin myself because it is what I deserve. thereās literally no reason for me to feel this bad. yeah itās been a rough week at work but thereās nothing to warrant these kinds of feelings. I have nothing to be this upset over. I canāt even really say I feel bad because of my past because those things were all my fault too.
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Thank you!!
I got the list idea from @SassyRocks
I post my list on my phone in the notes app.
Feel free to make any changes. Good luck!! Feel free to DM me if you ever need to vent.
Reasons not to drink:
- No hangovers ever!!
- Treating my husband with respect and no drunk fighting
- Self respect gets a major boost
- No more internal conflict about drinking and if/how can I cut down or stop
- Restful restorative uninterrupted sleep!!!
- Major pride in myself and all that I have and can accomplish
- A sense of peace and calm
- No more embarrassment and shame because of my behavior
- Forgiving myself for past mistakes and terrible judgement
- No wondering what I did or how I hurt husband or others while drunk
- No treating people I love, including myself, poorly while drunk
- No drunk driving and possibly hurting self or others or jail
- No upset stomach from drinking
- No anxiety and near constant agitation when hungover
- No dark suicidal thoughts
- No shame around neighbors if I was loud and yelling or loud music
- No blackouts ever
- No overwhelming shame at my behavior
- No oversharing with strangers while drunk or making plans I will need to cancel
- Not having to check my phone in the middle of the night to delete social media posts - no drunk texting/emails/posts/calls
- Not be bloated and puffy and look haggard
- Major pride in myself and a boost in self esteem
- No hangovers ever again
- No more excuses or lies
- Peace of mind
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You ABSOLUTELY do not deserve this what you DO deserve is a good life. A life where u have control over ur surroundings, freedom from abuse of ur family, and continued happiness. I honestly feel like the self talk that goes on in ur mind about what u ādeserveā comes from the constant voices of ur family telling u that u dont matter. This is NOT TRUE. They are ill people and are sick in their own ways. What they do isnt right by any means. As human beings we sometimes tend to begin to believe what we have been told over n over n over. I remember being told from about an adolescent age or so that i was only good for 1 thing. And i grew up thinking that and believed it to my core. But there was a little voice inside of me that told me that the things i think about myself arent true. That i do matter. That i have alot to give other than that. And this:
Is YOU speaking ur truth. You do matter. Dont let those people that say otherwise rent space in ur head. Keep fighting. U can get out and things can be different.
Has there been any possibilities of low income housing in ur area? Maybe u can move in with someone and rent a room for cheap? Im just wanting to help. Big hugs 
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Day 249
I am beat. My car is a mess. Worked 6-4 today. Walking mostly. Have free food. A salad but forgot to take dressing home. Tomorrow I will be on time to work. And get some writing done.
Torturrd myself scrolling today. But also cried which was good.
Goodnight. One more sober night cant hurt.
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Hi guys, sorry I havenāt been around lately but life has been so hectic for me. Hurricane Ian, a nine day trip to Maine, my trip to DC with Honor Flight and now another major storm getting ready to hit Florida. I feel like Iāve gone through so many experiences and emotions in the last month but itās been mainly wonderful.
I got a wild hair and booked a cruise for January for four nights headed to Bermuda. My first cruise and going with my granddaughter. I got awesome news tonight and Iām so excited and happy that I canāt sleep. Some of you might remember me sharing about finding a half brother when I did a dna test. We talk all the time but heās in TXand Iām in FL. Tonight he booked a cabin just down the hall from mine. He is going on the cruise with us. I get to meet my brother in real life!! My heart is so full of love, joy and excitement right now.
I will try to catch up reading tomorrow since we canāt do anything but shelter in place and watch for flooding. I hope all of you have a blessed night.
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I havenāt even bothered looking into moving. it just feels so impossible
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I understand. You probablt have alot of other things on ur plate right now
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Omg lady!!! I am so excited for you mtg ir half brother! I absolutely do remember u menrioning that! I cant wait for u to share all about that (if u choose to). Im glad uv been safe with all those storms. I bet thays scary to experience. Im glad to see u posting. Huge hugs!
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I hope you see the progress youāre making especially when you feel like you do now. You have a job, youāre making money , you are not self harming even when you feel like you might want to. These are big strides forward for you. You get an A+.
As you go forward it will often be three steps forward and one or two backwards ā¦.
I canāt even believe your parents snd their attitude about the kitchen. You realize thatās toxic.
Iām proud of you. Big hugs for when the bad stuff seems to be taking over. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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@Butterflymoonwoman I can understand your fears. But you have learnt so much thru your own struggles, you can now be a great guide to your son. You can be the break in the chain. And the fact you are thinking of this now means that you can intervene and be procactive if issues start to arise so he doesnāt follow the same path.
@SadMemeQueen Deep breaths. Although your life up until now feels long, you have longer ahead of you. Who knows what changes and improvements will come. It is not impossible. I remember feeling trapped and hopeless at home with my toxic mother. It may take time but you can get out. And it is ok to feel sad or angry just because you feel it. You donāt need to justify it.
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Grace is a beautiful thing. 
straighten your crown queen/king. And let God keep working on you. Itās a wonderful (sometimes painful) process. But the person youāre becoming is worth meeting. 
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itās more just me not wanting to make efforts really I have no excuses
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thank youā¤ļø