Wooooohoooooo Tomek!!!
Congrats on your 2 years sober!
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So relieved to read you began to feel better! I am so sorry you were so overwhelmed and felt so close to caving. I am so proud of you for working through all that stress without harming yourself, contacting that toxic arshole or getting drunk. Hugs to you 
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You are doing everything you can to break the cycle and are a wonderful role model for your son. He is being a typical kid and testing his boundaries. Just keep reminding him of your expectations regarding his behaviour and giving him a consequence when he behaves in a way that is not acceptable. None of us as parents are perfect but you are putting in a huge effort and that is enough. Hugs 
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Checkin in day 197 af. Had a few relaxing snow days and got a bunch of shit taken care of at the house. Nack to work tomorrow evening. Been doing good about my intermitten fasting and getting some excercise. Still sitting around 225. Goal is to be by down to 210 by the new year. Havent been below 220 since i was 18. Im akmost 33. Turns out 15 years of black out drinking doesnt help ya cut weight muchā¦ hope you all are having success and making leaps forward in your recovery. Much love yall!
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Congratulations on your 2 years 
@Juli1 I am seeing posts saying glad your feeling better, i cant find the post where you werent okay but i am glad your feeling better and hope everything is okay.
@onthewagon31 congratulations on your 197 days thats amazing! I am still trying to keep an exercise routine and eat as healthy as possible but i can remember for like 7 months trying to lose weight and the scakes literally didnt budge no matter what i did. I made lifestyle changes instead and its dropping off finally !!
@Mno Just imagining myself walking across or even jogging across that beach is lifting my spirits Good morning congratulations on your 1251 days.
@SassyBoomer Its great to read your update and im glad your okay.
Wow this is amazing news about you brother how exciting and lovely that your all going on the cruise together i bet your all really looking forward to sharing quality time together.
Stay safe through the next storm and its great to see you post
@Minatasha 249 days is amazing !! Almost the big 250 congratulations your doing so well
@SadMemeQueen your the same age as my son wow i feel old 
(im 37) my son is 20 too.
You are a strong lady, you may not feel it so im telling you you are loved and cared about, you have come so far, myself and all of us here have watched you grow and blossom into a beatifull flower, your still so young and its great you have ambition and want more from life and you deserve it along with a happy life and happy loving people in it to share with. Your so young and things will change and get better you are on the right path to be able to one day walk away and just visit and leave when you want.
What your doing right now with your job your promotion is laying down the foundations for your self. Your doing amazing i dont like to see you sad or doubt any part of yourself because i know im the other side of the world but i have watched the change in you with your confidence and building a life for yourself and i see how amazing your doing i hope you can have moments where you see this for yourself too
@Butterflymoonwoman I understand your worry, but i believe this is just him growing up and learning about himself and alot of boys go through this stage, it is healthy in some ways i guess as he is learning through it.
Your an amazing Mum, and kids act out and do silly things sometimes and it doesnt mean there bad or your bad and your there with him to guide him through so dont be hard on yourself.
And OMG 269 days!!! Wow im so damn proud of you !!
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Great list! You have some real gems in there. Thank you for kindly sharing and being open. I love the honesty with it. I find with alcohol I lie to myself and tell myself itās ok when itās not. So this list has inspired me to be more honest
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111 days free from alcohol
92 days free from toxic relationships
2 days imperfect regular eating
My mood is much better today.
I will restart my daily journaling with writing positive thoughts or counter thoughts in the morning. (missed that for about 2 weeks)
Just starting a new notebook today. 
Will have a second round job interview in the afternoon and my 90 minute yoga class in the evening.
Letās make that day sober and stay positive. 
Love 
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Thank you so much Twizzle. It was just overwhelming yesterday and I felt hard pressure to do any toxic behaviorā¦ (like contacting tox ex guy, self-harm, destroying things or even drinking) any kind of kick out of these feelings.
It was too much for me that day.
Toxic ex thing triggering as he is still trying to contact me (message from the blocklist) and I met a girl that is living in one of the appartements were he is living too.
But NOā¦ WONāT get back in contact.
Focus back on healing, selflove and just some calming void!
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It can be hard with him calling and then meeting someone who lives in his block but your doing so well, and you will meet someone, someone who is good for you and its great your staying on track here as one meeting with this guy coukd ruin everything especially if he can make you not feel good about yourself thats a relapse situation- for me it would be.
Just by swimming, yoga going to the cinema and doing these things you enjoy you will meet someone with similar interests. I know its lonely and boring but it is worth it im so proud of you 
Im so glad today you feel better and that you came here to let it out instead of sitting with the feelings or even acting one them.
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Ohhhh Twizzleā¦ These warming words!
Just had some tears running down my face, no sadness tears, just releasing tears because of feeling so much understood!
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My ex husband has been a toxic person too. He tried a long time to contact me. He send me letters, called under new numbers, tried to force me to come to him. He kept also a lot of money which belonged to me only.
It ended after I payed a lawyer to write a letter. I have told her about the violence and everything. This has costs me 200ā¬.
Since that time I never heard anything
Because it I have been somehow addicted to him for 8 years, 4 years of marriage, I flighted hard to leave him.
I joined a online group made only for this. They gave me tips, to ārehabā.
Finally I made it out and my life is peaceful. Unfortunately I tried to numb my sorrows with wine. But this is another story, thatās why I am here.
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Thank you so much Ree!
I like reading your posts, very inspiring
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Thank you so much for understanding Joyce.
It was ājustā a year of on.off hot.cold emotional abusive friendship plus thingā¦ But I was absolutely codependent.
He was manipulating me so much, that I thought I had a personality disorder! Even had a long test in a clinic for that. Result was negative and the therapist warned me from this person and recommended to quit!
As I was also not able to get sober while being in contact with him and had several physical and emotional symptomsā¦ I finally ended!
92 days ago.
At the moment I am in an open topic live therapy group, but I informed about a CoDa online group to join maybe next year. I am aware about having still patterns that are disfunctional.
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Juli this is what this type of person does.
My daughters dad is exactly how you and @Joyce19 have explained.
My daughters dad i wont go into all the details it would just depress us all 
but he tried to make me think i had early onset dementiaā¦ it was only when i caught him doing the things.
For example taking stuff out the fridge putting it on the side and id be standing there like im sure i put that away, turning lights on and off, moving things and hiding them and i honestly was researching early dementia until i caught him doing it and i pretended i didnt see and said im sure I already done that and he said no you didnt and then i knew. And i noticed it was only when he was around.
He was very abusive and still is, we are not together for over 11 years but he still controlled my life all that time. We dont see eachother anymore.
There are so many good men out there too but with the narcissists and abusive men we dont realise until its too late!!
The stuff after years of abuse i thought was normal is shocking.
But we are safe now and we will be okay as you mention Juli self care and self love for ourselves and someone will pop into our lives that is right.
Im so lonely i get so tempted to meet someone but i know im better by myself atm. Concentrate on myself and my own perception of my self image not what i have told i was which was ugly and worthless.
I know better now. And i have faith that the right person will come at the right time and all i have to do is love myself and take care of myself so when they do come along im content and happy with myself so i dont need to seek approval because i know deeply in my heart who i am and no one can make me feel any less - this is a working progress and im far from that but its a journey.
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Im so glad your okay and safe now and you took your control for you life back
I didnt drink until i met him, everyday drinking thats where my drinking problem started - i dont blame him as he wasnt holding my mouth open and pouring it in that was all me but the situation and emotional and physical abuse was easier to deal with drunk and numb.
Day 406 checking in
Today i am going to give myself the job of going through my wardrobe and donating what is not used or needed.
Usually when i do this i feel i have to wash everything fresh when it already is so im going to skip part as it looks a small job until its all pulled out .
I really want to put my xmas tree up and wrap the presents and everything but im going to hold off until December.
And all the jobs i feel like need doing im going to do each daily as usually id set this big unrealistic goal of trying to do it all in one day before the tree can go up.
So pacing myself and then it gives me stuff to keep busy with each week.
Its not alot of stuff but my house is very small so everything has to have a place.
Dusting needs doing too so the day i do put the tree up iv done all the big jobs already instead of overwhelming myself for no reason.
The back tooth i had pulled is almost closed totally and its healed so well but im holding off swimming until its completely closed just to ward of any infection. But i really want to go so much.
So my plan for today is
- Wardobe.
- Take clothes to donate.
- Cook one of my favourite meals whoch il post in the foodies thread this evening.
When i donate the clothes sadly there is a secondary school just 2 minutes from my home and for the past 2 years an elderly couple who have clearly seen and been through nothing a human should ever have to have been through it and are homeless.
They sleep under the shelter part everynight and i always take them food and any clothes that would help them so they will be first i donate to and il walk them this evening to them with a hot meal.
It makes me cry every time when i see them especially in the winter and that they are my parents age i just cant walk past and not help when im able. And at night knowing 5 houses down by the school there freezing unsafe on the streets and im in a warm bed.
So il be buying some extra duvets and sleeping bags and socks as there stuff gets ruined in wet weather.
Anyway yes so thats the motivation to go through the clothes.
Anyway im rambling on now have a lovely day all 
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What a cool planā¦
Have fun rearranging your wardrobe 
And thank you so much for the intimate insights of your experiences 
Glad to know that you are on the right path now! We are strong women 
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Day 7 (it wonāt really be a week until this evening). Woke with a bad headache and Iām super irritable. I just want to crawl back into bed. But I need to have a productive day at work today. Iāve gotten behind at work and itās really overwhelming. I just wish I didnāt wake up feeling like shit every morning. When I continue to feel bad, it makes it hard to stay sober. But I wonāt drink today.
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Day 691,
Been to the office. Nobody there, my first little project for integration is almost done. Quit common to still work from home. Normally it would have bothered me. Now quit relaxed under it. Went for a early walk through the city (Maastricht). Used to study, work and live there a while ago. Became a trip through memory lane. Always loved the feeling of a city getting to life. Same feeling as I worked in a hotel/restaurant while studying in the city I live now and had the early shift. The walk brought back some memories good and bad. Kind of got wasted in a lot of the cities bars. It is known as a burgundy city, which is basically an excuse to enjoy good food but also a lot of drinks accompanying it. Walked past the University where I studied and have worked as a lecturer later on. My body reacted a bit. Working on my trauma, I knew it was a trauma respons. It was really a great time, but also a time in which my alcohol consumption increased. Looking back it had a lot to to with being judged/evaluated after courses by the students. I had good evaluations, but couldnāt deal with if some were negative. Of course rationally it is not strange since I had 50-100 students each semester. But it kind of hit me hard if some didnāt like me. Continued the walk back to the office, fine tuned some things on the project and went home (I work 3 times 2 hours now). It is nice weather for doing some chores and go for another walk.
Wish you all a nice day!
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I appreciate that. His teacher said the same thing you did about testing boundaries and i think u both are right. Thank you for your comforting words. I feel like im a good mom but like i said, i feel like im also practicing things that im teaching him. I just want him to have the skills to manage emotions and to work thru things in healthy ways. I want to show him all the things that i needed to be shown as a child. I often think back to my dad who was unemotionally available. My feelings never felt validated with him. So today I make a huge effort to tell my son that its okay to cry or be mad. I make sure to validate his feelings and give him that time to express himself. Its what we do with these feelings that make the difference 
Hope youre doing well today
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