Thank you! I needed that. Im feeling very alone today and i cant really figure out why. Im sooo bitter and judgemental and exhausted. Like i never judge someone who is an alcoholic or addict. God knows im one to judge. I understand that situation completely. But today i caught myself judging a group of addicts smoking drugs under a tarp in a bus shack. Ive seen soooo many drug addicts on the street today and in the train stations and on the train that i guess i didnt want to keep being reminded of it. I was just disgusted seeing that but then i felt soo bad about thinking like that bcuz people do things high or drunk that theyd never do clean and sober. Ive done alot of the same things that ive judged others for. Like why am i being like this? I feel awful. So insteadā¦ i turned that judgment over and prayed for them bcuz i recognized that lost and hollow feeling. I just dont understand whats going on with me. Wheres my gratitude? Wheres my compassion? I just dont get it 
im sorry for venting. I really appreciate u commenting 
Since getting sober i dont really like to drive at night because im hyper aware of drunk drivers lol thats new
Have some compassion for yourself dana. You can dislike someones habits or behaviors and not be a bad person. I think you handled it well by praying for them and being aware not to judge.
I love what u said! 
Now thats also what i needed to hear! I can still have compassion but not like their actions. I never sort of thought of it like that. Thank you
Oh wow! Isnt it amazing what we are aware of when we stop drinking or using?
You guys.
Yes itās TikTok. But this actually came up on my Facebook and i searched for the TikTok video since i cant share from Facebook.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRCBayd4/
Itās his 23 months clean video
And for some reason it really meant a lot to me, so Iām sharing with you. 
This really hit for me also. The before and after is remarkably diff! Thank u for sharing it!
Ohh i DEFINITELY understand!! I myself have only been clean for 40 something days, and I caught myself judging last night/this morning. Like I wasnāt exactly that person only a few weeks ago?! I thought about what I was doing (the judging was also in my mind, thankfully not spoken aloud) and instantly felt like a bad person.
But I think the judging comes from a place of ā¦I NEVER WANT TO BE THERE AGAIN! I am DISGUSTED with who I was when I was using. And i donāt know how you (they) donāt see it! But the reality is, before I got clean, I was just like the people who still are using. So who am I to judge? The difference for us is we are on the part of our journey that we are healing and choosing to get better and are able to put in the work on ourselves. And itās hard. We judge because WE WANT BETTER for them, and feel like they should want it tooā¦
At least in my mind. Of course i cant speak for anyone else. But i KNOW that your heart is pure and you care so deeply and you just want to make the world a better place by spreading your love.
I hope you have been able to take a breath and do something nice for yourself
Days
47 no drugs
177 no self harm
11 eating daily
Any of yāall ever just want to go to the top of a mountain and scream? Ha, thatās how I am feeling. Not necessarily upset or angry, but like I have this huge emotion in my chest that is begging to be releasedā¦
Hmmā¦what a weird way for me to start my check in. Sorry, itās the first thing that popped into my headā¦
Today i am feeling better than yesterday. I am reflecting and noticing that I am still having quite the mental rollercoasterā¦
I spent some time with my little one playing in slime earlier, and that really lifted my spirits.
After that I spent time with all the kids together (and two of the girlsā friends) bringing the total number of kids in the house to 8. It was a happy time for me. I am grateful that even though a couple donāt live here anymore (one is 21, and the other stays with her dad during school sessions) they choose to come āhomeā. I am so lucky that they still want to see me.
Then i went to the gym and had a great time! I hadnāt gone to the gym without a child with me until today and i couldnāt believe i was there for 2 hours! It felt like 20 minutes. It was really needed to just focus on me for a little while.
I did get a call from my motherā¦we have kind of a difficult relationship. But i took the callā¦i sort of feel bad for her. Sheās all alone and sheās getting older. She made mistakes but we all do.
My sister called me and said she had heard from her today as well and wanted to check in with me, so we went to grab taco bell. The kids (well, 5 of them. 21y/o left and the two friends left also) and my partner came too. It was just taco bell, but it really felt like a healthy family moment.
We all came home and it has been a quiet evening.
Think Iāll put on some meditation music and relax a bit.
Sending lots of love and positivity yāallās way 
Thank you very much. Thank you
Wide awakeā¦anyone need to talk? Pm me
Day 406 AF
Whatās good.
Hung out at my momās yesterday to celebrate Thanksgiving with the fam. Ate too damn much tho 
. Broke my no soda streak. Oh well. Finally made it back home late last night. Slept in. Didnāt do much today. Watched the world cup, and chilled with the kiddos. Donāt have any plans tomorrow. Gonna wake up early in the am and go for a long walk.
Have a good night everyone!
Iāll catch up with yall later.
My mind needs to talk, but itās been kinda all over the place today.
I hope you are doing ok. Has your anxiety subsided any?
Thats wussup Man congrats keep doin what youāre doin 
Iāve had nights where I wanted to punch a wall. Just messed up thoughts about my drunken nights. Iāve cried out of anger and sadness. Iām okay now. Time heals.
Taco Bell is the spot!
I think high anxiety is a norm for me these days without alcohol. Gonna talk to my dr in january about it. Crazy this sobriety thing. Happy to do the work. Making progress not perfection
I donāt like driving period. Way too many hot heads and road ragers. Especially here in Cali. Like chill !
I can relate. Though I must say, my anger/short temper have improved quite a lot.
Learning to feel my emotions has been a real task!! I used to āknowā my emotions, but couldnāt let myself actually āfeelā them.
Each day closer to Christmas will raise my anxiety. So, not especially looking forward to that while also being sober and trying to not block my emotionsā¦
Maybe I should include that when i go to the doctorsā¦does anyone know if a general doctor is able to prescribe anxiety medication? Because Iām not sure I can manage to go to a psychiatrist too rnā¦
Sorry, just thinking out loud (so to speak)