Congratulations on almost 8 months @VeeMaria. Peeling back all those layers caused me to dislike myself even more. I had people constantly reminding me that we are not bad people, we are sick people. Addiction caused me to become someone I would have never become otherwise. This is were allowing myself some grace comes in.
As someone else mentioned, take breaks doing step 4 and do some self care. There’s no need to rush. Doing that step thoroughly is the key for long term sobriety.
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You are misunderstanding me. You said you want to be a counsellor, but expressed concern that you are quiet right now, and that to be a a good counsellor you should be more talkative. I said a counsellor should be a good listener meaning that a quiet person like yourself can be a good counsellor because not just being talkative, giving advice, etc, listening to the clients individual situation, worries, fears, etc, is important. I wasn’t referring to you right now needing a counsellor to listen to you, because, as you say, you are in a good place right now. I hope that clears my intention up.
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Woooohooooo Congrats!!!
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Day 37
I’m finally at the point where drinking doesn’t cross my mind everyday. I have noticed I have been smoking cigs a lot more than I used to though. And thoughts about eating healthier and wanting to quit smoking are coming up. I like the mental changes like that, that I am noticing after quitting drinking, that I wouldn’t have cared about while still drinking. I have never been successful at quitting smoking, and the longest in 25 years, was 3 months, while wearing the patch. I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself trying to quit both, while I am still in early sobriety from drinking. But at the same time I am feeling really guilty about the smoking. I don’t like knowing there is something else I cannot seem to control.
It looks like surgery may be on the 28th, if insurance approves it.
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S.E.L.F. A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S. will save your ass!
Just a few more days.
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Firstly I am so proud of you, I remember when you went to treatment. Congrats on your 8 months clean, you’re a fucking warrior.
The level of self loathing that I came into recovery with was extreme, and self love felt impossible. What felt possible though was indifference. As I processed my past through my step 4 and I accepted that I have an illness I started to come to a place of indifference with myself. Instead of seeking myself out to scream " I fucking hate you" at my reflection I just wouldnt look at myself. This worked for me and I just started not to care, the hate started to melt away. Slowly I started to look at what self love was. I started a thread here a few years back asking what love felt like to others as I didnt know myself, I was getting curious about it. At about 18 months clean I finished my first set of steps and I really started advocating for my mental/physical health, I had gone back to get my grade 12, I was still clean… I was treating myself with many loving actions. Love is not an emotion, it is an action and I was doing it. I was living the actions, so logically I concluded that I definitely loved myself even though I did not feel it, yet. The more I learn, the more I pray, the more I look inward the more I live my life from my heart, the more I love myself. I have forgiven all of myself today, I love all of myself today, even the parts I dont like. For me a time just came that I realized I was creating my own suffering and I dont want to suffer anymore.
You are a beautiful soul, we all are.
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Aww yes I’m sorry I definitely misunderstood you. My apologies
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Love is not an emotion, it is an action and I was doing it. I was living the actions, so logically I concluded that I definitely loved myself even though I did not feel it, yet.
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing with me…this makes sense to me! I’ve been waiting for a feeling…now I can stop waiting to feel like I love myself and take action to do it!
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Absolutely 
i will keep this in mind! Just focusing on staying present right now and not getting ahead of myself lol Hope ur doing well lady!
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@Bones_80 I hope you pain settled 
@MooseTracks congrats on 5 months 
and the apartment
@Butterflymoonwoman I LOVE your 
I’m glad getting out helped 
@Bear21 congrats on your week
@VeeMaria sending strength 
congrats on 8 months
@zzz congrats on 30 days
909 days no alcohol.
374 days no cocaine.
Feeling disheartened due to relapsing on both binge-eating and disposable nicotine vapes. Counters will be reset again tonight and I can start again, and that’s what I’ll keep doing until it eventually clicks.
I hope you’ve all had wonderful sober weekends
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Day 13
- free from alcohol
- being aware of toxic relationships
- regular eating without drama
Hi,…
first harder cravings this evening after restarting sobriety. Had a nice day with family at my parents house, lot of laughing, it was fun but also very loud and lot of talking 
Funny anyway.
I had to refuel my car and I didn’t buy alcohol at the gas station! Safe home. Sober.
Much love
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Now this is amazing. 30 days! Congratulations @zzz. I’ve watched you struggle over the years. This is great. Now I really like to know. What have you been doing different this time?
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Checking in. Day 121
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So good to see you check in with 30 days, @zzz Keep it up! I’m rooting for you!
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Checking in
Day 357
I just finished work and am waiting for the train to head home now. Work was good! Much better working in a group home than at the hospital. I dont feel as mentally drained.
Ive been connecting to my HP alot today. Just really needing connection. I need something but dont know what. I keep asking my HP to help me. I just dont know exactly in what way i need help. I have to keep bringing myself back to the present. My mind is going to many diff places, some not so good. Worry about health for my son, worrying about death, worrying about the longevity of my sons life due to his brainstem tumor, wondering if my recovery would last thru that tragic event (altho i tell myself that if he passes at whatever age he does, that I would continue on my life clean and sober for him), worried about my sons schooling situation and if things will be in place for him. I have to constantly bring myself to the present. I know that by worrying, it just steals away my joy from today. It ruins the time i have with my family. It takes away any potential moments i couldve had if i wasnt worrying. I never used to be like this, at least not to this extent. Idk if my increase in meds is working. Yet i cant expect my meds to fix everything. And i think this part of my thinking is for me to work on. Im scared alot. Funny how i back in the day i wasnt scared of much. I had nothing to lose in my life and couldnt care one way or the other if something eventually happened. But now im scared of alot. Scared of sooo much. Its like i switched polar opposites. Anyone else deal with fear? How do u all cope?
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I have that fear. My therapist calls it anxiety. I dont remember being this anxious in my addiction but who knows. I breathe. Say the serenity prayer. And use distraction to bring myself to the present.
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274, checking in. 
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Days
119 substance free
36 self harm free
82 not restricting food
Whew. Today has been mental overdrive, internal frustration, feeling super anxious and like I’m moving in slow motion but the world is spinning too fast.
I don’t know how else to describe it. But it’s exhausting.
I’m not in a bad place or a bad mood. But i am definitely feeling the need for something. Tomorrow i will be searching for a mental health professional that accepts my insurance. Wish me luck y’all.
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Day 140
Somewhere between ok and not ok i guess.
Holding down a full time job/sobriety/mental health
Just has its days and thankful to not relapse.
Its ok to not be ok team
Another week starts for me tomorrow and tomorrow is a new day!
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I’ve heard it said that “some days, the best you can do is just not drink”. Today was such a day. It was so boring; mostly cleaning and a walk around the block. I was sweating until 8pm (the beer cutoff time on Sunday). There’s not much good on free TV although I’m finding 23, with Jim Carrey, to be strangely engaging.
Found out the my housing assistance isn’t being cancelled because of my relapsing, but because of “failure to report an income change”. Although the fault is on their end, I have to pay $890 to keep my voucher. Going to finish this movie, try to sleep, and find a job tomorrow.
Have a good sober night! 
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