Checking in day 18. SA meetings are helping not only at the meetings but with the network of recovery friends I can call. Feeling conscious and grounded, and constructive.
Today about an hour after getting up I remembered a dream I had last night (it floated up into my consciousness as I was making breakfast). It was a using dream. I remember it now, not so much the details but the thinking, the relapse steps, I remember in the dream choosing to give in. I’ve done that hundreds of times before. But when I realized this morning that it had been a dream, a wave of relief swept over me.
This is the first dream of this type I’ve had, and the first wave of relief like that. I’m not sure what this means but I think it is significant.
About to go out ice fishing. It’s a community event. Looking forward to it!
Take care friends. Be present today and use your recovery connections, here or elsewhere. You will find what you need.
Hi Juli, I’m just so glad you keep trying because that’s all we are all doing really. Each day we are trying.
We don’t all get it the first time, for most of us it takes a few fails and lessons learnt. Some to hit rock bottom.
For me I thought I got rock bottom than found another rock under that one, things were bad if I didn’t stop … Well Id rather not think about the damage.
You havent got yourself into serious trouble or damaged things in your life so bad so you can turn this around, I know you can
These thoughts I get them all the time, I try really hard not to let them grow as that is me mentally relapsing which happens way before the physical relapse.
I learnt this the hard way, I think we all do .
I have to stop the thoughts growing inside my head, the seed will always be in my head trying to grow so I must not water it with thoughts, I know it’s not easy.
I just want you to know you are not alone with these thoughts and they are so hard.
I’m proud of you for coming here and trying again, that’s all you can do and your time will get longer, Even though you relapsed you are growing as a person each time and learning more strategies.
I know if I even touch Alcohol the rest of the problems I indulges in will follow. I’m well behaved sober, if I get a drink in me I feel like Iv turnt into super woman and then I have risky behaviours. I’m safe sober I have to remind myself this everyday.
Used to. I thought the human contact of meetings would be good for me since all of my friends are also an alcoholic and I need to meet new people. But about half the time, I’d leave a meeting wanting to drink more than when I went in, so I kind of drifted away.
One counselor told me “you should have some kind of structured program, even if it’s not AA.” She may have a point.
Did you find that some of the people at the meetings just used it as a free venting session for their mental health issues and drinking wasn’t even their main issue in life?
@Juli1 don’t listen to the thoughts, you are stronger also, changing your number would stop the calls and end the toxic ex nonsense…just seen your next post, welcome back congrats on your honesty, now get that number changed and focus on your healthy self Changing mine has been so peaceful. I wish I’d done it sooner. @2JTravNZ congrats on 5 months @Luna2022 congrats on 50 days @Bear21 welcome back @anon74766472 congrats on 3 weeks no caffeine @SoberWalker woah! I didn’t know Beavers did so much damage! Feel better soon @Jasty2 welcome back congrats on your honesty here’s to stacking days @Nowenbrace congrats on your week
923 days no alcohol.
388 days no cocaine.
11 days no crisps.
10 days no vape.
2 days no binge-eating.
Today I managed to hoover for the first time in a month, I also burned some incense. It feels nice in here again.
Did my walks, meditated, chilled with the cats.
I also impulsively had most of my hair cut off, to try to prevent the ‘is that a woman or a man?’ comments/questions. It’s shorter than I wanted it, but I just wanted it done, so I went to the barbershop closest to me. I will go back to the one in my hometown going forward.
Absolutely. One guy was notorious for that; you could go to literally any meeting in Topeka and mention his name, eyes would start rolling. He’d go on for 30-45 minutes about living with his mother and sister, and occasionally mention drinking.
Yep, up to the the fifth step. I was in group therapy at the time, and there was a spiritual advisor there -I think he was a pastor at a local church- he would help people with 4th/5th steps if they didn’t have a sponsor or someone they could talk to.
Once I finished group, and left to my own, my stepwork dwindled down.
Day 141
I was laaaazy all day and you know what? I enjoyed it. No work tomorrow because of the Carnival parades that happen everywhere (called Rosenmontag) and basically everyone is partying tomorrow. Except me, I’ll watch those crazies from a distance
Some days ago I set up a profile on a dating app and yeah…I don’t know what to say
I matched with a man, sounds really nice, musician, has a cute dog, no kids, all good. We chat 2 days, plan to meet after he cured his cold (basically everyone is sick rn) and then he asks if I could remove his stitches when we meet.
He cut his finger last week and he doesn’t want to wait until his appointment with his Dr.
It wasn’t a joke, he was dead serious.
I removed the match. I hope the next one doesn’t text me strange stuff.
I’ll munch more banana bread now, have a beautiful sober day friends and stay strong
@Juli1 you’re sitting on the driver’s seat. It’s your life. What you give power to has power over you if you allow it.
Don’t allow anyone to control your life. Don’t give him power over you.
We are also fleeing Rosenmontag, too many drunk people around. On Thursday (“Altweiber”) I saw a guy stumbling around and was afraid he might have a seizure but then remembered which day it was . So good this won’t happen to me this carnival and hopefully this will stay this way. Good decision to have a lazy day and good luck with your next date, that it’s not going to be another crazy one
Checking in on day 55. Today was good, we went to an exposition in a former industrial gas storage silo, showing earth with all its wonders and what we are doing to it in a beautiful manner. The top chamber contains an inflatable globe, around 20 meters in diameter, showing interactive weather, oceanic flows, flight and ship data protections on it. Perfect as an alternative to carnival parties.
Have a good and sober evening!
I am not used to so much support, but here in this digital it feels realy good.
As I know you, a question on the point.
I have to reflect…
Being with him, drinking and him using cocaine was always a way to step a bit out of this world.
Before my last relaps he called soo many times. The relaps on alcohol finally made me open the door and unblock him and finally ended in a super drunken relaps to a night with him.
But what feelings are there, that I want to evoke under that … Maybe its loneliness and feeling life is not exciting enough this moment. But I will have think about it.
As i don’t want to change my mobile phone, that blocks the calls, but leaves the messages in a type of junk calls mailbox …
I will organise changing my mobile number tomorrow!
And end this chapter with him in my life. Finally! Sometimes the key has to be locked not only twice!!!
Checking in with 327 days.
Wfh today, going to head to the gym first. Not feeling awesome, the weekend was a bit stressful. Hopefully a quiet day home at work helps me to reset.
Have a wonderful day guys
Man, you might want to give it a go again. Groups change. With all that’s going on for you, and don’t see how it could hurt. You might make some connections for jobs as well. Try different groups.
Checking in Day 371
I got up at 620am for work only to find that my little guy did catch this flu from me n hubby he hasnt thrown up yet thankfully, which is my biggest fear as he aspirates (hence why he is gtube fed). I decided to stay home with him to make sure he didnt end up having to go to the hospital. I lowered the volume and feed rate on his feed pump to make sure it was a much more gentle rate that his formula went into his belly.
This afternoon I went grocery shopping since he has been doing fairly well. Him and hubby stayed home and relaxed playing videogames. On the way to the train i started getting using thoughts. I never feed into the thoughts anymore but instead come at it from an inquisitive point of view. Kind of like… “why are you coming at me now?” Lol I realized that with being sick and not having much energy for anything, i havent done much recovery related stuff either. I have prayed but not nearly as much as im used to. No meditation, no exercise, nothing. I have been sick but those addictive sneaky thoughts come at any time, they dont care. So back to the recovery routine i go. Glad to be feeling better. Juat praying that my son doesnt get worse
Hope everyone has been doing well. I will have to try and go back and read abit. Ive missed alot.
.
Nature is freaking amazing.
also, changing your number would stop the calls and end the toxic ex nonsense…just seen your next post, welcome back 
congrats on your honesty, now get that number changed and focus on your healthy self 
Changing mine has been so peaceful. I wish I’d done it sooner.
here’s to stacking days 
. So good this won’t happen to me this carnival and hopefully this will stay this way. Good decision to have a lazy day and good luck with your next date, that it’s not going to be another crazy one 
he hasnt thrown up yet thankfully, which is my biggest fear as he aspirates (hence why he is gtube fed). I decided to stay home with him to make sure he didnt end up having to go to the hospital. I lowered the volume and feed rate on his feed pump to make sure it was a much more gentle rate that his formula went into his belly.
