Yep sang it lol @anon53116147 you are puttingbin the work and seeing the fruits of your efforts
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41 days AF. Had a VERY vivid drinking dream last night as so many of us do. I was so upset that I had ruined my sobriety. I was at a party and left crying thinking how Iād have to reset my sobriety date and my therapist would be so disappointed. The relief when you wake up and realize itās not true is overwhelming. I say to myself, āit wasnāt real, it wasnāt real!ā
Yesterday was the first Sunday in a while I havenāt totally dreaded the upcoming week. Not because anything about my toxic job has gotten better, but because Iām learning to let go of how things āshould beā and walking that line of what I can vs canāt control. It was a beautiful day finally, had a long walk in the morning, then a delicious lunch at a Thai food restaurant, then some errands and watching the womenās college basketball championship game. Then early to bed for some reading.
Our couch is in the repair shop for a week (the frame was apparently damaged when we got it and it snapped), so weāve been using an air mattress. Our cat Smokey has been enjoying it 
wishing everyone a good start to the week. I relate to thoughts in your updates of health worries (I have a big phobia of going to the doctor) and anxiety about passion projects (not sure where to start and motivational issues). Iām starting with some coloring like a child, but I find it relaxing and can pop on a sobriety podcast while doing it.
Here is the Smokey pic languishing on the air mattress 
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Day 79.
Just did a meditation after skipping them for 2 days in a row, I need to stay on the path and fight my own feelings. Today Iām really sluggish, Iām sleeping too much. It doesnāt help that I donāt actually have much to do and I donāt really want to take work on right now because thereās a good chance Iāll have to go without my SSRIs for the next couple of days. And when that happensā¦ shit gets weird. Intense feelings, anxiety, crying fits, dizziness and vertigo. Iām expecting it to be less horrific because I am sober, but itās been a while since I ran out before a refill soā¦ yeah.
So my plan involves to try and sleep it off as much as possible. Or something like that. Iām gonna take myself to the coworking for a few hours today, I need to do some admin, send some invoices and a couple of pitches. Then dinner and quality time with my husband. Heās worried about dealing with unmedicated me too, so I wanna reassure him that Iām not going off the deep end again.
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I hope you feel better soon! I too find so much comfort through meditation. I was reminded recently that meditation is not just for the times we are feeling peaceful, itās for the full spectrum of moods and experiences that life throws our way.
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Iām struggling today with thoughts of ending it all. Iāve hurt so many people and didnāt realize what i was doing. I was selfish and i an disgusted with myself. The only thing that keeps me going is my son. Iām afraid Iām going to screw him up and he will end up just like me. I need to sleep for a while maybe t will helpā¦ Part of this is Self pity, but I Iām remorseful for everything Iāve done. And I just donāt want to hurt anybody anymoreā¦
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Absolutely! I think meditation is the ultimate form of self care. It gives me the space I need to notice myself and where Iām at.
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Happy Monday! I hope you all have an awesome day.
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Day 184
Today is the day, I have a Dentist appointment. Why am I still this nervous although the last appointments ALL have been fine? I wouldnāt say they were relaxing, but they were painfree and I went out with a smile every time. WTF brain!?
I have 30 minutes left, then Iāll start to get dressed and stuff.
Why is it so hard to end this fear? Why is fear so powerful?
After the appointment Iāll get some veggies and chicken. Time to put some greens inside this body again 
Have a beautiful sober day friends, stay strong 
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Checking in on Day 414
Have a great day everybody 
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@Dmcg1987 congrats on your week 
@bambifett welcome 
congrats on your week
@Cjp congrats on 11+ months that trip sounds epic! 
@Rockstar24777 
sending strength 
@SadMemeQueen sorry for your ED struggles and for the loss 
I hope your appointment isnāt too traumatic 
@Kareness congrats on 2300 days
@Markjackson sending strength
@Fury congrats on all the opportunities opening up
@DryIn785 good luck for therapy 
I hope it goes well
@Nowenbrace congrats on 50 days
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@Bekah212 sorry for the struggles and your loss sending strength
@brandy89 welcome congrats on your sober time so far I hope it goes well with your therapist
@mewmcmew sending strength
@Sabrina80 good luck for the dentist I hope it goes as well as before
965 days no alcohol.
430 days no cocaine.
52 days no vape.
0 days no binge-eating.
Checking in for yesterdayā¦
TW: eating disorder, binge-eating, food.
I shouldnāt have had the popcorn at the cinema. Having any ārealā food just makes me want more and more. I still havenāt had crisps (chips) which are my main food addiction, but yesterday I decided I was allowed a ārealā food meal for lunch, so I bought, cooked, and ate chicken mini fillets, no added sugar baked beans, some mango, rice pudding, and a pack of sweets. I know I shouldnāt have had the rice pudding or the sweets either since Iām Diabetic. I also bought some reduced sugar and fat custard because I was planning to get their āhealthyā version of apple pie, but they didnāt have any. So when Iād finished eating I couldnāt stop thinking about getting apple pie from their bakery section. The sugar put me into a nap then I was awoken by a video call from my dad early evening, then after that I went to buy a whole apple pie and more custard. I ate half with one tin of custard, then an hour later I ate the other half with the other tin of custard. I feel so disgusted and ashamed, admitting all this here, rather than just simply saying āI binged last nightā but I want to be fully accountable. So there it is, counter is slowly ticking up to 1 day again, and I try again.
I slept a lot due to the sugar, so Iāve not long finished my āmorningā routine. Thought I should do my check-in first, then go for my āmorningā walk.
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I undertand your pain relating to regrets in your past. Iām approaching 4 years sober and at times I am haunted by my past actions, they still hit me so deeply sometimes. However, we canāt change what has been done, only learn from it and do our best to be a better person from now in. I also try to focus on using those regrets and mistakes as reminders as to why I never want to go back to that dark place. They help stop me becoming complacent in my recovery. Time also heals, making amends where possible and working on forgiving ourselves also helps x
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Thank you so much ! Much appreciated 
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Thank u for being so transparent and honest friend. I totally get it. I really do. Certain foods (pastries, chocolate, icecream, and yogurt oddly enough) send me into binge mode. There just is no moderation for me. Its better to just not have any of it bcuz then i dont tend to obsess over food in general. Im sorry ur feeling so down but be proud that u didnt engage in ur crisp addiction. Im so proud of u for that I really hope ur day improves. Hopefully ur morning walk will lift ur spirits. Keep trying friend. Focus on getting back on track and dont let that sadness and shame keep u down hugs
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Hey there Crystal Hun! I see and (think) I know similar pain, been there!
I found Buddhism through 12 step group and it says we all have basic goodness. Know that we are not what we have done we just acted unskilfuly. Please donāt identify with the pain of (insanity- I my case) but see the challenge to grow from it as they say . Staying true to ourselves and learning to love ourselves is a tenent Iāve been tought in CoDa.
Finding love and compassion for yourself and as Pema says **befriending **yourself then you can most love your Son as well and your family and fellowships youre in. You will be strong to help others in their path as well- strong fellowship is the best IMO
Wishing you the best , I know it hurts but tough times donāt last 
Words from psychiatrists:
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get through to the next calm spell.
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everything is workable.
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you donāt have to be everything to everyone.
And one that I use for myself,. Smile you donāt own all the problems in the world.
We are here for you, keep checking in
Lots of hugs ( if appropriate) 
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Checking in day 8
Last night my mom was drunk and it was just really difficult for me to be around so I spent most of my night alone in my room to avoid being around anything she kept talking to me about my situation but I couldnāt really get a word in I know she means well but sometimes it feels like sheās not listening to anything I have to sayā¦ I am working on getting back into therapy which has been hard bc most places are making me wait a year til I can see someone has anyone used any online therapy programs they like?
And also itās so hard to not turn to the one thing Iāve used to numb my anxieties etc. Iām going out with this guy Iāve been seeing and Iāve been feeling really insecure with myself the last 2 days. I got this dress and I tried it on yesterday and I just feel like I look super big in it- donāt get me wrong heās incredibly kind and honestly the only person Iāve been with intimately sober which is also kind of sad in a way but I have so much anxiety going to meet with him and itās taking everything in me to not grab a drink before hand to loosen up with what Iāve always deemed my āliquid courage.ā Iāve just been chugging water and I had a cup of coffee and that kind of helped with the craving. Has anyone tried affirmations and does it actually work for them? Any examples? Thank you in advance I hope everyone is having a wonderful day 
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Being around ur mom mustve been hard. I have always found it very difficult to see people using drugs (wether i know them or not) as it creates huge anxiety for me. I am huge on affirmations tho and absolutely think they work! Initially i dont always believe the affirmation but words are powerful and they become our truth. There are some chants on the Insight Timer (free meditation app) that i sing along to that just make me feel whole and complete and at peace. Chants for me are like affirmations that are sort of sung over n over to really beautiful music. If u like nature sounds or guided meditations etc, u may like the Insight Timer app. But i will say to myself in the mornings diff afirmations for whatever area i need to uplift myself on. For example: I am healthy and whole. I am successful. I love life and enjoy spreading peace and love to others. I can tackle whatever obstacles i face today. I love myself. Etc. I also do deep breathing that incorporates affirmations. For example on the in breathe i will sat āInhale loveā, and on the out breathe i may say āexhale gratitudeā and focus on my breathing and my words. I find it sets the tone for the day. I find breathing works well for anxiety
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Congratulations on your 8 days Kayla. I got on here a little over 3 years ago because I had had enough. Drinking was killing me. My wife and I were drinking buddies forever. She still drinks. The first year or so it didnāt bother me so much. I think because I spent so much time focusing on me. And me not drinking. I never want to go through that first week or first month ever again. Worst time of my life. Anywayā¦ā¦ Iām going to Al-Anon now and Iām learning a lot.
Especially the 3 Cās.
I didnāt cause it.
I canāt control it.
And I canāt cure it.
For some reason itās been really hard for me lately. I been struggling a lot. But going to a lot of meetings helps.
Have you seen this thread? Are you affected by a loved one whoās an addict?
Check it out if your interested.
Iām glad youāre here.
One of the best things I read in my Courage To Change was. āIf Iām focusing on someone elseās drinking, Iām not focusing on my sobriety.ā
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Well Iām so glad to hear that it has been working for you! I guess I just feel silly sometimes doing it or like you said itās hard to believe the words at first. But I will definitely look into that app for sure thank you so much for your recommendation and insight I really appreciate that
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Thank you so much for your insight and guidance I appreciate it, Iāve been trying to find online meetings because I unfortunately totaled my car last year I have tried AA before and I didnāt feel like it was right for me at the time I wasnāt really religious as I am now and also struggled with coming to terms with the fact that I had a problem. Iāve been drinking since I was 12 and Iām 27 now I tried AA when I was 19 and again when I was 21 but I also think I didnāt have a good crowd around me often I was scrutinized because everyone thought I was too young to have an actual problem and would constantly pressure me to drink. But Iām in a place now where I feel like going to meetings again could be really beneficial. I havenāt checked out that thread but I definitely will thank you for sharing the 3 Cās and the other thread as well I appreciate the help
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