Just did a meditation after skipping them for 2 days in a row, I need to stay on the path and fight my own feelings. Today I’m really sluggish, I’m sleeping too much. It doesn’t help that I don’t actually have much to do and I don’t really want to take work on right now because there’s a good chance I’ll have to go without my SSRIs for the next couple of days. And when that happens… shit gets weird. Intense feelings, anxiety, crying fits, dizziness and vertigo. I’m expecting it to be less horrific because I am sober, but it’s been a while since I ran out before a refill so… yeah.
So my plan involves to try and sleep it off as much as possible. Or something like that. I’m gonna take myself to the coworking for a few hours today, I need to do some admin, send some invoices and a couple of pitches. Then dinner and quality time with my husband. He’s worried about dealing with unmedicated me too, so I wanna reassure him that I’m not going off the deep end again.
I hope you feel better soon! I too find so much comfort through meditation. I was reminded recently that meditation is not just for the times we are feeling peaceful, it’s for the full spectrum of moods and experiences that life throws our way.
I’m struggling today with thoughts of ending it all. I’ve hurt so many people and didn’t realize what i was doing. I was selfish and i an disgusted with myself. The only thing that keeps me going is my son. I’m afraid I’m going to screw him up and he will end up just like me. I need to sleep for a while maybe t will help… Part of this is Self pity, but I I’m remorseful for everything I’ve done. And I just don’t want to hurt anybody anymore…
Day 184
Today is the day, I have a Dentist appointment. Why am I still this nervous although the last appointments ALL have been fine? I wouldn’t say they were relaxing, but they were painfree and I went out with a smile every time. WTF brain!?
I have 30 minutes left, then I’ll start to get dressed and stuff.
Why is it so hard to end this fear? Why is fear so powerful?
After the appointment I’ll get some veggies and chicken. Time to put some greens inside this body again
Have a beautiful sober day friends, stay strong
@Dmcg1987 congrats on your week @bambifett welcome congrats on your week @Cjp congrats on 11+ months that trip sounds epic! @Rockstar24777 sending strength @SadMemeQueen sorry for your ED struggles and for the loss I hope your appointment isn’t too traumatic @Kareness congrats on 2300 days @Markjackson sending strength @Fury congrats on all the opportunities opening up @DryIn785 good luck for therapy I hope it goes well @Nowenbrace congrats on 50 days
@Bekah212 sorry for the struggles and your loss sending strength @brandy89 welcome congrats on your sober time so far I hope it goes well with your therapist @mewmcmew sending strength @Sabrina80 good luck for the dentist I hope it goes as well as before
965 days no alcohol.
430 days no cocaine.
52 days no vape.
0 days no binge-eating.
Checking in for yesterday…
TW: eating disorder, binge-eating, food.
I shouldn’t have had the popcorn at the cinema. Having any ‘real’ food just makes me want more and more. I still haven’t had crisps (chips) which are my main food addiction, but yesterday I decided I was allowed a ‘real’ food meal for lunch, so I bought, cooked, and ate chicken mini fillets, no added sugar baked beans, some mango, rice pudding, and a pack of sweets. I know I shouldn’t have had the rice pudding or the sweets either since I’m Diabetic. I also bought some reduced sugar and fat custard because I was planning to get their ‘healthy’ version of apple pie, but they didn’t have any. So when I’d finished eating I couldn’t stop thinking about getting apple pie from their bakery section. The sugar put me into a nap then I was awoken by a video call from my dad early evening, then after that I went to buy a whole apple pie and more custard. I ate half with one tin of custard, then an hour later I ate the other half with the other tin of custard. I feel so disgusted and ashamed, admitting all this here, rather than just simply saying ‘I binged last night’ but I want to be fully accountable. So there it is, counter is slowly ticking up to 1 day again, and I try again.
I slept a lot due to the sugar, so I’ve not long finished my ‘morning’ routine. Thought I should do my check-in first, then go for my ‘morning’ walk.
I undertand your pain relating to regrets in your past. I’m approaching 4 years sober and at times I am haunted by my past actions, they still hit me so deeply sometimes. However, we can’t change what has been done, only learn from it and do our best to be a better person from now in. I also try to focus on using those regrets and mistakes as reminders as to why I never want to go back to that dark place. They help stop me becoming complacent in my recovery. Time also heals, making amends where possible and working on forgiving ourselves also helps x
Thank u for being so transparent and honest friend. I totally get it. I really do. Certain foods (pastries, chocolate, icecream, and yogurt oddly enough) send me into binge mode. There just is no moderation for me. Its better to just not have any of it bcuz then i dont tend to obsess over food in general. Im sorry ur feeling so down but be proud that u didnt engage in ur crisp addiction. Im so proud of u for that I really hope ur day improves. Hopefully ur morning walk will lift ur spirits. Keep trying friend. Focus on getting back on track and dont let that sadness and shame keep u down hugs
Hey there Crystal Hun! I see and (think) I know similar pain, been there!
I found Buddhism through 12 step group and it says we all have basic goodness. Know that we are not what we have done we just acted unskilfuly. Please don’t identify with the pain of (insanity- I my case) but see the challenge to grow from it as they say . Staying true to ourselves and learning to love ourselves is a tenent I’ve been tought in CoDa.
Finding love and compassion for yourself and as Pema says **befriending **yourself then you can most love your Son as well and your family and fellowships youre in. You will be strong to help others in their path as well- strong fellowship is the best IMO
Wishing you the best , I know it hurts but tough times don’t last
Words from psychiatrists:
get through to the next calm spell.
everything is workable.
you don’t have to be everything to everyone.
And one that I use for myself,. Smile you don’t own all the problems in the world.
We are here for you, keep checking in
Lots of hugs ( if appropriate)
Checking in day 8
Last night my mom was drunk and it was just really difficult for me to be around so I spent most of my night alone in my room to avoid being around anything she kept talking to me about my situation but I couldn’t really get a word in I know she means well but sometimes it feels like she’s not listening to anything I have to say… I am working on getting back into therapy which has been hard bc most places are making me wait a year til I can see someone has anyone used any online therapy programs they like?
And also it’s so hard to not turn to the one thing I’ve used to numb my anxieties etc. I’m going out with this guy I’ve been seeing and I’ve been feeling really insecure with myself the last 2 days. I got this dress and I tried it on yesterday and I just feel like I look super big in it- don’t get me wrong he’s incredibly kind and honestly the only person I’ve been with intimately sober which is also kind of sad in a way but I have so much anxiety going to meet with him and it’s taking everything in me to not grab a drink before hand to loosen up with what I’ve always deemed my “liquid courage.” I’ve just been chugging water and I had a cup of coffee and that kind of helped with the craving. Has anyone tried affirmations and does it actually work for them? Any examples? Thank you in advance I hope everyone is having a wonderful day
Being around ur mom mustve been hard. I have always found it very difficult to see people using drugs (wether i know them or not) as it creates huge anxiety for me. I am huge on affirmations tho and absolutely think they work! Initially i dont always believe the affirmation but words are powerful and they become our truth. There are some chants on the Insight Timer (free meditation app) that i sing along to that just make me feel whole and complete and at peace. Chants for me are like affirmations that are sort of sung over n over to really beautiful music. If u like nature sounds or guided meditations etc, u may like the Insight Timer app. But i will say to myself in the mornings diff afirmations for whatever area i need to uplift myself on. For example: I am healthy and whole. I am successful. I love life and enjoy spreading peace and love to others. I can tackle whatever obstacles i face today. I love myself. Etc. I also do deep breathing that incorporates affirmations. For example on the in breathe i will sat “Inhale love”, and on the out breathe i may say “exhale gratitude” and focus on my breathing and my words. I find it sets the tone for the day. I find breathing works well for anxiety
Congratulations on your 8 days Kayla. I got on here a little over 3 years ago because I had had enough. Drinking was killing me. My wife and I were drinking buddies forever. She still drinks. The first year or so it didn’t bother me so much. I think because I spent so much time focusing on me. And me not drinking. I never want to go through that first week or first month ever again. Worst time of my life. Anyway…… I’m going to Al-Anon now and I’m learning a lot.
Especially the 3 C’s.
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
And I can’t cure it.
For some reason it’s been really hard for me lately. I been struggling a lot. But going to a lot of meetings helps.
Have you seen this thread? Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?
Check it out if your interested.
I’m glad you’re here.
One of the best things I read in my Courage To Change was. “If I’m focusing on someone else’s drinking, I’m not focusing on my sobriety.”
Well I’m so glad to hear that it has been working for you! I guess I just feel silly sometimes doing it or like you said it’s hard to believe the words at first. But I will definitely look into that app for sure thank you so much for your recommendation and insight I really appreciate that
Thank you so much for your insight and guidance I appreciate it, I’ve been trying to find online meetings because I unfortunately totaled my car last year I have tried AA before and I didn’t feel like it was right for me at the time I wasn’t really religious as I am now and also struggled with coming to terms with the fact that I had a problem. I’ve been drinking since I was 12 and I’m 27 now I tried AA when I was 19 and again when I was 21 but I also think I didn’t have a good crowd around me often I was scrutinized because everyone thought I was too young to have an actual problem and would constantly pressure me to drink. But I’m in a place now where I feel like going to meetings again could be really beneficial. I haven’t checked out that thread but I definitely will thank you for sharing the 3 C’s and the other thread as well I appreciate the help
Checking in. Wind is intense here in northern New Mexico lately (30-40 mph with 70 mph gusts), which can be anxiety producing for me; it makes everything that much more challenging when working with the horses, they are more “up”
and it affects my sense of hearing and sometimes sight as the dust can blow into my eyes and face. Not a complaint so much as recognition that it’s a trigger. I’m staying at the ranch while the owners are away, and there is alcohol in the house which in the past I’d like to drink. But I am finding I don’t want it. I’ve had enough day ones already. Having a hangover or being tired is not going to keep me safer around these big babies . I am also aware other triggers are coming with the warm, dry weather (cold beer and hot weather is for sure a trigger) so am staying mindful of that. Attended my Tempest meeting this morning and will journal today for something different in my sober toolbox. I so appreciate this community.
I was struggling this time, I felt some pain and she had to give me 4 injections until everything was numb enough. I started shaking and felt the panic rising.
I could stop it before it got so bad that I have to leave. They were so sweet and tried to work as fast as possible
Now half my face is numb and I’m drooling because I have zero control And I sound really funny. I have to shop some groceries like this now
But it’s done! Now all teeth are happy
congrats on your week 
sending strength 
I hope your appointment isn’t too traumatic 
I hope it goes well 
I really hope ur day improves. Hopefully ur morning walk will lift ur spirits. Keep trying friend. Focus on getting back on track and dont let that sadness and shame keep u down hugs
. I am also aware other triggers are coming with the warm, dry weather (cold beer and hot weather is for sure a trigger) so am staying mindful of that. Attended my Tempest meeting this morning and will journal today for something different in my sober toolbox. I so appreciate this community.
And I sound really funny. I have to shop some groceries like this now 
