Checking in on day 98, having a rough day at work but remembering that stress is a trigger for me and focused on targeting that thought and not letting it affect my sobriety. It’s neat because as I tell myself that this is a trigger in my mind I am not tempted to drink but find a way to combat my stress and press forward. Thankful for my sober family and that I can hop on here and share my burden with you all!
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Checking in day 220! Back from visiting my friend and it was great to see them and get some sun 
Catapulting back to reality and work today while not-so-well rested and 4 long days in a row, but I’ll get through. Hope everyone is having a wonderful sober Wednesday 
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Hi, great job on hitting a week, that first week can be hard, congrats.
Keep going 
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Thanks friend. My 
leaves 7:00 from Amsterdam CS. And arrives at Berlin Hbf 13:30 if all goes well. Can sleep in my own 
first.
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Congratulations to deleting these apps and your new challenge! Enjoy the effect of so much additional time you are earning 
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@Morgan116 welcome 
congrats on your days so far 
feel better soon 
@KellyKelly I can relate to that, sending strength 
@JenMar this is great news!
@Sober_Ninja I’m glad you did too happy birthday 
@Scorpn Thank you I should probably revisit it too, I’ve just got so many audiobooks I haven’t listened to yet, that I never return to the ones I’ve listened to. I don’t get through them as quickly as I used to, as I listen to music when I walk these days. I’ll add some listening into my routine and make time for it. I’m glad you get something out of it each time Congrats on triple digits no SH 
and good luck with the no smoking 
@Hesmyportion congrats on your week and for never giving up 
@Anthonyy welcome congrats on your days so far
@Merryshoes I love this for you! I also have social anxiety so I can recognise that this is a huge deal
@mx_elle congrats on being funny 
975 days no alcohol.
440 days no cocaine.
62 days no vape.
3 days no binge-eating.
Slept well and woke with the sun again today. Did my morning routine and my walk slightly earlier to dodge the rain that was coming when I’d usually go. I somehow missed one of my cat’s wet food from my order last week, so I drove into town to pick that up from the pet store. I emailed the Endocrinolgy team about my low Testosterone, their auto-reply says they have a back-log so replies are taking around 6 weeks currently, but it’s okay. Spent most of the afternoon reading here, also drove to my hometown to collect medication. I’ve been able to watch TV, in my chair, in the lounge again this week, after a few weeks of not being able to, so I’m pleased about that, currently watching You, and I’ve got 3 episodes left of the latest season, it does bring out my addict and I do want to binge it, but I am able to limit myself to one episode per day. I’ve just done my PM walk, I’ve done my meditations, one more to do after posting this, then I’ll probably look at memes until I’m ready to sleep.
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Thank you 
Usually I change clothes when coming home and lay on the couch for some hours of doomscrolling.
Today I changed clothes, made dinner, cleaned a bit here and there, showered and was 1 hour on my computer.
Laying in bed now with my hot water bottle because the temperature fell 
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Checking in…
1200 days substance free
720 days self-injury free
336 days sugar-free
TRIGGER WARNING SH
Its been a minute since I have checked in, things have been cruising along pretty easily then life rolled up. Life has rolled up a few times on me in the 3 years of my clean time, its hurt, its gotten messy and I have made it through. I made it through yesterday, I will make it through today and I have hope I will make it through tomorrow.
It was not my sobriety that was threatened yesterday, I didnt want to get loaded. I was however inundated with overwhelming thoughts and justifications about why self injuring would make everything better. I was triggered badly the night before last, my daughter’s mental health has taken a tailspin and I allowed myself to be sucked into the whirlwind of chaos with her. Those feelings are all too raw still from the years and years we were both fighting to stay alive, self injuring was one way I managed to do that. I am sure to most it sounds insane but to the few who can relate, ty.
The justifications my mind was telling me ,
" You know its the only way to stop this pain… "
“Remember how much better you would feel?”
Yeah in the moment that was my truth, cutting did release me from the pain I had inside me in that moment and then immediately the shame came rushing in. Immediately I was ashamed I had done it so then I would start rage harming out of pure self hate. My mind forgot to mention that part, I am grateful I remember. I am grateful that I was able to reach for my DBT skills all day yesterday, literally all day, it was fucked.
I relapsed on SH when I was 1.5 years clean of it, I will be 2 years clean in 10 days. Hurting myself just doesnt fit with who I am today no matter what my brain tells me. Thoughts are just thoughts until we put action behind them…
I love myself, and I am a good person. I dont deserve anymore scars.
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You show up for yourself and do your work. You inspire me with your strength, honesty and dedication to getting it done. Life will definitely life us. You have so much to be proud of.
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So very happy for you and happy birthday!!! 
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Day 50! I’m so grateful to be sober and alive. I am going to start writing daily gratitude lists to help maintain a positive outlook (and let’s be honest, increase dopamine levels in my brain!). Kept to my recovery routine today (meditation, workout, online meeting) despite the usual work chaos.
My partner (who works in a high end liquor store) was harassed today by a man who said he won’t buy bud light anymore due to a recent marketing campaign involving a transgender individual. Homophobia seems to be coming more rampant in the US and it’s scaring me. I’ve had to block out the news and social media completely the last few weeks, I know this might seem selfish/privileged but it’s so bad for my mental and emotional health.
Building my foundation to weather the storm… wishing everyone a peaceful read of the day and keep going new folks!!! It’s so much better on the other side!!! So glad you’re here 
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That made me tear up, thank you 
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Thank you
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Day 95. Exhausted and going to bed. But still sober.
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Day 6. Gorgeous spring day, did some gardening. Really glad I got a Sodastream for Christmas because that fizzy water is what’s keeping going me going right now!
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That’s awesome @Sabrina80! Yeah I f**cked up and had to reset. It’s creepy crazy how much it gets into our minds! I hope you’re doing well, tomorrow will be day 1 for me again. 
I mean day 1 for social media lol
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Checking in
Day 423
I am absolutely hating myself right now. I feel so inadequate and so broken. I had a massive blow out with my husband today. I have never gotten soo mad. When i say the kettle bubbled over… it blew up! I havent expressed myself this way in years!! I really dont know why i reacted this way. I never lose my cool like this. He was just being rude and grumpy and stressed all day (he was home from work to wait for this new couch we bought) and i was trying my best to calm the waters and just sort of fix things for him, making things easier for him. He made a comment to me about how ive been different lately and how hes wondering if ive been using bcuz i have a bad memory. And i flipped my lid bcuz im so proud of how far ive come and how fucking hard i work at this every single damn day. He will never understand what its like to have to work at this every day bcuz hes not like me. I truly am doing the best i can to be the best version of myself. And im realizing how broken i really am. I think half the time i live in this fantasy world of pretending like i have no “past”. Like i was never a drug addict, a prostitute, like i never went thru all that abuse from my ex and those Johns. I feel like ive been trying to forget everything all this time being in recovery for the past 423 days and honestly i have never felt so broken than i do right now. I have some serious trauma to work thru and forgetting about it isnt working. I think this blow up was me releasing all my stress and pain and hurt and i didnt handle it well. I dont feel the same about myself anymore. I feel like this whole time ive been living with a mask on trying to make myself something that maybe im not (someone who doesnt have a past like mine). And in reality that isnt ever going to work bcuz i do have a past and those memories and dreams and thoughts dont go away easily. I will never be the person that i want to be bcuz that person doesnt exist with my circumstances. I have my coping skills but look how well that worked today. Im not liking myself very much right now. Hopefully tmrw is better.
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I understand where you’re coming from. And I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so broken! We all have a past. And it’s not always pretty, but that is the starting point to see how far youve come! How hard you’re working and putting everything into recovery is amazing, but also can be stressful! And stress can cause memory difficulty. That was very unkind of him to suggest that you are using because you have had trouble remembering everything! Of course I’m sure you’re not happy with how you reacted, but i bet there has been a lot on your mind and your plate for a long time and it needed to come out.
I’m sending you a big hug hun! Maybe take a walk in nature (if it’s not too late in the day) or something else to calm down a bit and feel better.
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