Day 104.
Last night I was up late watching the Firefly Lane finale and by the end of it I was an emotional crying mess. I really wanted to call or text my mom and tell her how much I loved her. But then I remembered it was 3 am and if she saw the call she’d think I’m drinking again and worry. Then I wanted to wake up my husband and pup and give them a big hug, but again, 3 am and he’d worry that I relapsed.
So, I went to sleep.
@Amy30 Speaking as a husband, I obviously don’t know your relationship dynamic but, you should have woken him.
If I were in his shoes my reaction would have been to comfort you as a caring husband should do.
You turning to him would have given him emotional pleasure and added to his self value too knowing you’re turning to him for sober emotional support. I’m sure he would have seen you hadn’t relapsed as soon as he spoke to you and that you just needed some comfort.
I know that’s what my wife has said she feels like when I just need that supporting ear to bend or arm around me when I struggle.
My husband is very supportive and I probably would wake him if I was having a panic attack or something. But crying over a TV show isn’t reason to wake anyone up. 
The program obviously sparked an emotional reaction, the main point is no matter how big or small you know he will give you comfort so why not seek it regardless of the trigger.
Good morning all!
Day 362. Awake and packed. Headed to the airport shortly!! Vacation awaits!
Spent a few hours with Nature again today. Watched this stunning Black Shouldered Kite sit patiently whilst devouring his mouse for lunch.
Oh and 60 days AF too
0 days AF. Hi everyone, I relapsed yesterday. I am so ashamed and sad. There was some additional stressors and I didn’t reach out for support. This disease is truly cunning, baffling and powerful. However I am more committed than ever to do this. I know I need to up my meetings and the next one I go to I’m just going to say in my share that I need a sponsor because I just can’t afford to wait any longer. I desperately need help. I cannot do this on my own. I drank so much and puked and my throat hurts and I’m so sick of this. I want to believe that I can do this. I’m not going to give up. Please don’t give up on me.
Yay! Where are you headed?
Awesome! Major congrats to you!!!
That sounds tricky,or worse. Please use boundary skills and remember YOU are IT! Wish you all the best @KellyKelly . Day 367 for me.Grateful !!!
None of us can. Kudos to you for coming here and being brutally honest with us. It means you are being honest with yourself and that is step number one. Do whatever it takes to be sober and it sounds like you have a plan for what to try next. Take good care of you as you recover from this bout, drink lots of water and rest up and take those concrete next steps. Coming here like I said was a great concrete step. No one here gives up on you when you don’t give up on yourself. Ever. Sending love your way. You CAN do this. Hugs.
Day 363 here. After saying that I had been sleeping well lately last check in I’ve seemingly jinxed myself and have lain awake much of the past two nights. Typical.
What was on my mind last night was this whole definition of alcoholism or addiction for me. I still like the pitcher plant analogy as although the descent to the bottom is fast for some but gradual for others, the direction is always one way. I finally admitted I had a problem after my drinking escalated when my husband became terminally ill. Even if I could moderate now, my minimum amount that I would deem necessary to even bother with is about three times greater than it was prior to the problem drinking. And it won’t ever go back down in my experience.
I also found myself contemplating that it was like a switch was turned on. I am also aware my switch is on for gambling addiction despite never having major gambling debts, but for me it is in the off position for sex, relationships, pmo, binge eating etc. I still don’t take that for granted though.
I was also contemplating why it annoys me so much when people describe themselves as having an “addictive personality”. I guess it was a long night!
Anyway, holiday weekend ahead with my daughter’s friend coming for a sleepover so that’ll be nice.
Have a good sober day and addiction free weekend everyone!
Not giving up on you. Don’t give up on yourself ok. Many people need more than one quit until it sticks. At the same time it certainly doesn’t become easier.
Just make absolutely sure to not go it alone. Relapsing is exactly that: going it alone. We’re in it together when you make it so. Let’s do this! Big hugs. 
We will never give up on you
There is zero benefit to beating yourself up over what happened. Get up, dust yourself off, and try again.
Understand what happened, what triggered you, think of ways to handle it should it rear its head again.
Most importantly, keep talking. Keep coming here, especially when 
hits the 🪭
It’s going to be okay 
@Catmama23 this 
“Beating ourselves up” is one way of describing the shame spiral that we have all gotten caught up in. Shame is not a useful state to be in. You’ve owned your relapse and the more you focus on what you can do differently now to keep on the path the better. No need to get stuck in the shameful feelings. Regret is somewhat healthier - “Damnit, that happened, I did that, ugh.” Then comes the, “okay, I don’t want THAT again, so now what?” Stay focused on what will move you forward and not keep you stuck.
calm down- how will you recover from all that excitement 
I hope you do something over the weekend just for you to bring in your personal new year. If birthdays arent your thing then thats ok (dont mean to sound pushy). I personally love celebrating mine (up till recently, it would always be solo). Would go to a museum, a movie, a musical, a picnic…etc
Have a wonderful day 
Awe my friend- its ok, weve all been there. Please be kind to yourself in this struggle. You have the want to quit and are gathering the appropriate tools for you sobriety kit. Keep at it and you will overcome this addiction.
I wish you the best of luck with getting a sponsor asap. None of us can fight this demon alone. Do know you have friends and support here so dont feel afraid /ashamed to reach out. This is a purely no judgment zone.
Drink lots of water and rest if you can. I know your throat and stomach must be a mess. Sending you hugs 
@RosaCanDo @JazzyS @Binx @Mno thank you so much for the support. I do feel ashamed but I will try to turn that into fuel to never ever do this again. Why, why, why. There is no why, no logic. I am not going to give up. I know I need to do things differently this time. Reach out, go to more meetings, take meditation seriously. I’m grateful to have you and this forum.
Oh wow! That makes that name even more unique!!! Youre awesome for looking that up… now im even more excited, if thats even possible lol
That’s the spirit! 
We are on your side today is a new day xx
