Thank you for sharing with me. My mom and i have not had a relationship for almost 5 years now. This was my choice because of how she responded to me trying to talk to her about the past. I did write a letter last week that i did not send. I am going to continue therapy and see where that gets me.
I did find a letter online sometime wrote to their abusive parent, not blaming them, but letting them know what they needed from them and how it made them feel. I liked the layout and the way it was all addressed. I will let her know that i would like to talk but that will ultimately be in her hands. It will be some time before i send it though. Iām not going to rush it
Day 536
Goooood morning everyone! Hope everyone has a fantastic day today! Im feeling quite a bit better this morning and not so down in the dumps. Yesterday i felt so hopeless when it came to my health, but today i am feeling hopeful in making the changes i need to make to get to where i want to get health wise. Im not going to give up on myself that easy.
Today i have to run an errand. My husband is home from work so that i can do that. I might try to get myself down to the gym also since he is home and can watch our son while i work out. Todays focus is on healthy eating and healthy portion sizes. I will also connect to my HP and treat myself like i would treat a friend. No more beating myself up or putting myself down.
I know the feeling of being made fun of about my weight. It happened in school and at homeā¦it is a struggle for sure. Perfectionism is horrible. Iām working on it and really starting to allow my HP to help and guide me after my breakdown ac few days ago. Of all of my addictions food is the biggest struggle. We can get through this. I am accepting that i am not going to be perfect in this process, but Iām not going to give up. I will add you to my prayers!
Landed a bit in the treatment centre. Find it quit hard though, some of my fellow clients are going on my nerves. So try to feel empathy and compassion (notice I can still be very egocentric. Had my first screening tests like extensive blood sample and ecg (heart). Donāt expect any worries there.
I was about to leave the second day . But Iāll try to stick around to see what they come up with. Itās different then a rehab so to say. Itās the first time my mental health is addressed like this.
I am keeping it in my head for sure. I am doing a prayer daily. Iām trying to add it ro my morning and night routine right now and to use it throughout the day. I want to write or print out some prayers to keep by my bed tobhelp remind me. The feeling was definitely a spiritual feeling for me. And thank you so much?
i appreciate your kind words. Your right, this is a process. Itās just been a very long process for me and iām tired. But i wont give up. I just have learn and keep growing in all ways. I probably should have saw a therapist years go. I too lean on my HP to get through stuff like this.
Finaly took my triptan pill, got weird sensations around my lips. Afraid for the migaine to push trough to the final. I have to work tomorrow.
Fingers crossed.
Day 4,all was good-work,gym,looked after my daughter and had fun with her,cooked well etc.
Now sitting and having a cup of calming tea but im anxious and cranky. I guess i will go to sleep early and i hope i can sleep indeedš„“
I am starting with the sexual obsession issue for now. Iām still using weed but I am going to try to take it one atep at a time.
Iām not ashamed. Iām not going to give a bunch of excuses about why my life is unmanageable. Itās because Iām an addict and itās what I do when I am not trying to improve my conscious contact with my higher power. Just straight up been choosing to live in this space where I deny that I wind up right back in the same predicament if I start down the same old path.
I am not doing this for anyone but me. I do think Iām a pretty good person and I deserve to be happy. And following my self-will hasnāt gotten me there. Havenāt been doing the action necessary to reap the rewards. One day at a time, I can get back there.
I have Naratriptan. It usualy works, but this time the migraine keeps trying to push trough it. Normally I do not have more then 3 days, but now Iām fighting it since sunday. The triptan keeps me from getting into bed but thatās it.
My aunt from Poland is with us for a few days. Sheās great woman, young soul, open minded etc. Itās funny cause we canāt talk with each other (she, my husband and me) all together cause there is no language we all speak. She and h talk german (I canāt), h with me english (she canāt), and she with me polish. There is also some dutch in between with kids. Long story short - mad house But in good way.
She is not drinking, never was, so itās even easier for me.
Except the fact that I consume enorm amount of food, it was great day
Love you guys!
Second check in for today.
My brothers kids went home like a half an hour ago.
My brother and my sister in law was so kind that they made dinner for us, when they came back from their shopping trip.
Which was the reason we babysat.
They also brought us some champagne, bbq smoke.shavings, Cheetos for my boys (which you usually canāt buy in Sweden) and some American soda.
I didnāt expect to get anything so it was really nice of them.
Yet I feel like I probably wonāt babysit again for a very long while (Like 10 years or so)
Iām all out of energy
It didnāt help that the last thing that happened before they went home was my mother calling my brother and wanted him to come for the weekend.
She knows we wonāt be at home so she didnāt even tried to talk to me.
My brother and I had another long talk about her yesterday and we both frankly came to the conclusion that we donāt really care anymore. Weāre done with her. It feels sad but at the same time Iām glad Iām not the only one feeling this way.
Work tried to call me in for next week, my last vacation week. I pretty much told them that thereās no chance in Hell Iām coming to work 10 days earlier than I have a contract for.
So thereās actually a possibility that I donāt have a job to go back to.
Oddly enough I donāt really care about that either. Thereās plenty of pre-schools and daycares who doesnāt have any teachers. If the shoes doesnāt fit them, itās not my problem.
Strange feeling, Iām usually extremely nervous, extremely scared about what people think, if Iām doing the right thing, If theyāll like me or not, or If they think Iām good enough. Not this time. Not sure where it comes from.
@soberwalker Oh Iām sorry you are dealing with a migraine for 4 days now- glad itās a bit less intense today. Hoping you feel better soon! Saw your update on taking the pill - hope those weird sensations donāt last. Sorry you are suffering so bad - i know how paralyzing a migraine can be. @wakikki So glad to see you checking in ā hope you have a great appointment today. How are you doing otherwise? The symptoms subsided?
This is awesome ! Using the tools, playing the tape forward and staying connected with your support system(s) will keep you fighting another day. @mel6 Way to go on not listening to that voice ā unfortunately that one leads to another and so on and that cycle is hard to stop. You are doing awesome at 11 days! Keep up the good fight. @mrsodh OOH I do hope you are able to book tix to the Halloween event at the theme park ā and also make it to Daftƶ/Daftƶland for Halloween (not sure if these are two separate things or same but regardless will be a fun time). Glad you enjoyed your trip and btw ā you are rocking that head table cloth Glad to hear that you stood up for yourself and will be enjoying the remainder of your vacation time. Its lovely to see when self love and worth start coming first! @SelfLove_42 Iām sorry for the set back. I see you making an honest effort here and am so pleased with your other timers. I feel like you are picking up signs of when you may fall and gaining more strength / tools each time. Keep faith that you will beat this addiction too ā grateful that you are able to come here and vent. We are in this together. DO you have a sponsor? That might help with accountability?
You are a young older man Billy ā love the youth in your step. Sorry that you are having to get back into the work force ā the economy really did get totally screwed up after Covid. Wishing you the best in your new adventures. @kdog WOW now that is crazy how they lay out the alcohol and non-alcohol packages. A little annoying for sure! Glad that the two of you will be able to enjoy the trip sober ā canāt wait to see the pictures (please do post on the travelling sober thread when you get a chance). Alaskan cruise is on my list ā I do hope the two of you have a wonderful time. @brl81 Welcome back and a huge congrats on your double digits! @anon53116147 Iām sure it will take some time adjusting ā must have felt nice to wake up in your new environment. Are you able to create a schedule for yourself so that you have less idle time (at least till school starts) ā may help keep you with a routine.
. But Iāll try to stick around to see what they come up with. Itās different then a rehab so to say. Itās the first time my mental health is addressed like this.
But in good way.
Glad to hear that you stood up for yourself and will be enjoying the remainder of your vacation time. Its lovely to see when self love and worth start coming first!