@KevinesKay congrats on 300 days 
@Mno sorry about the stirred up feelings, but very grateful you are in therapy and can talk about it all 
🩵
@Jaxxpage welcome 
sorry about the loneliness, I hope coming here helps sending strength 🩵
@Deelzebub congrats on 18 months I hope you can enjoy the rest of your camping trip
@Freckles2 welcome back despite the circumstances, it’s good to read from you. I’m glad you’ve found your way back here, congrats on day 1
@RubyRebelheart welcome
@Katiee sending strength 🩵 congrats on 40 days
@Cjp you’re doing so well, congrats
@MrsOdh, good for you 
proud of you 🩵
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@Bomdhil @Jasty2 @JazzyS thank you all, it was really good 
1089 days no alcohol.
554 days no cocaine.
8 months no cigarillos.
69 days no vape.
53 days no patches.
Due to my anxiety/nerves/excitement, and fear of not waking up on time, I only managed to sleep from 2:15-4:45am. Strangely, I have not felt tired today, despite walking 6.27 miles/14,338 steps so far, which is way more than I usually do, but without actually going for a walk walk, just walk-ing around Cambridge, train station to meet-up point, then finding shelter from torrential downpours of rain, finding more shelter in bus stops, making our way to our end meeting point, then me walking around the shopping centre after the meet-up was over, just window shopping, then back to the station to catch my train home.
I had fun today! It wasn’t as overwhelming as I thought it was going to be, there were only 3 of us, and 2 facilitators. One guy went with one facilitator to play ping pong, but it rained so they sat in Starbucks instead, and me and the other guy were with the other lady, she was fascinated by my Pokémon game, so she downloaded it and I was teaching her how to play, she got really into it, so that was a lot of fun! 
TW: briefly recounts historical suicide attempt.
When we met the other guy and the other facilitator at Starbucks, I chatted with him about my experience of transitioning, he is trans too and still waiting for his first appointment. The trans helathcare system in the UK is seriously failing, people are waiting up to 8 years for their first appointments these days, it’s no wonder the trans suicide rates are so high. I tried to end my own life at one point when I literally couldn’t wait anymore. Thankfully, when I sent a goodbye text to my only friend, he called an ambulance to my address and I don’t remember anything until I woke up strapped to a bed and tried to escape but collapsed in a heap on the floor. I had no idea that it would be the very next day that I was to start Testosterone. Funny how life finds a way. I’m glad I survived, and I’m eternally grateful for all the health care I’ve received.
Anyway, I think today went really well. We will be doing more meet-ups in small quiet groups to introduce me to people slowly. It’s such a small world, because one of the facilitators is also a drummer in band, and I was talking about the drumming workshops I’ve been attending and it turns out she knows the person who runs the workshops, so I now have a talking point for tomorrow. 
It’s already late here, so I’m anxious about waking up in time for the drumming workshop tomorrow. I still don’t feel tired though, I think I’m still buzzing with energy from meeting everyone today, where usually I feel depleted and fatigued after socialising. I say that’s a positive and shows it’s the right kind of socialising for me. A BIG win.
🩵
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You achieved a lot Rob and it’s not a miracle I assume it was hard work. And you’re still working hard on making a good life for yourself and you know what ? You deserve man, you’re worth living a happy life.
I can imagine how hard it is for you at the moment but I’m sure it will help you. Fight for it!
We are with you.
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Checking in sober, day 19.
Glad it’s Friday. But day got derailed by bad stomach issues. Having a quiet night.
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Lazy Friday day, so tired from last night, daughter and I went to the P!NK show- she was phenomenal!!! Headed to the gym in a bit, feeling a little lonely but working through it.
Hope everyone’s Friday is going well also
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48 days sober
It’s been a rough week but I stayed sober and maintained my focus. Weekend should be low key. The purge in my bedroom continues shoes and dresser or next. It doesn’t sound like a very exciting weekend, but it makes me feel good to be rid of the clutter I believe shopping, and the pursuit of material items has been another way for me to deal with some of the trauma and abandonment issues I experienced in my childhood
I’m grateful that I get to discuss some of the triggers I had this weekend with my therapist on Sunday she’s always extremely helpful and insightful. Have a great weekend everyone
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Day 537
Today has been a blah day. I dont even really know what to say about this day other than i cant wait until its over. I need some self care for sure once my son goes to bed at 8pm. Maybe if i would have put in more effort to make it a better day, it would have turned out differently. But i sort of just sat and stewed in my blah day lol The thing i really enjoyed today tho was the time spent with my son. We played Minecraft together. Built a house, a farm, a campfire, a maze. It was really fun to see him get so excited about what we were building. Hopefully i can restart my day (at 6pm lol) and have a better evening. Much love to u all! 
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Day 1089
Got the grades for my 200 odd students in, so that is a big weight off my shoulders. Need to finish reading my library book so I can take it back. Travel anxiety is still high: there is is typhoon coming, train and airport strikes in the UK, fears of paperwork not being correct and not being allowed back into Japan.
I have applied to do one class online about modern Japanese literature at a university next semester. Yet another zoom meeting to add to my busy schedule. It really is amazing how much time 24 hours a day really is when you are not blacked out or hungover for significant parts of it.
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Time with the little ones us always the best. My grandkids always brighten my day.
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Oh man I’m overjoyed at this moment. What a lovely day and I’m grateful that all this worked out.
Ever so grateful that you are still with us my friend. I do hope that you are up in time for your drumming class tomorrow. Another amazing day ahead!
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So happy for you Sophia – glad you had a great time at the festival and were able to state your sobriety among friends and were met with acceptance. That must have been a great feeling and a load off your shoulders.
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I hear ya friend - i kinda stewed today in my meh mood for the most part - finally got up and cleaned the house and make dinner.
I think sometimes we do need time to just have a blah day and feel meh – glad that you still made time to hang out and enjoy time with your son.
Hopefully you were able to have an enjoyable evening!
sending you strength
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200 students sounds like a lot of work! 
Wishing you safe and trouble-free travels.
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Checking in on day 784. Not a terrible day. Got some work done, but still trying to be a good and present partner and father. My ten year old is having some issues with telling the truth. Of course my gut reaction is to blame myself. I think some of it is just natural developmental milestones, and I need to be patient. Too bad kids don’t come with instruction manuals 
I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend. Much love. 
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1519
Didn’t work weekends for a bit. I will again now. Usually they’re not very busy but you never know. Will see. I’ve slept OK so that’s a good thing.
My therapy session was good. Talked family. Talked about my renewed involvement with family. I’m doing some research into my own earlier life and the history of my family. Exciting stuff and rather triggering too but I feel it’s a good step and I’m ready to do it.
Anyway, the only advice I got from my therapist was to not go it alone. Like I did in the past. Like I keep saying here, we’re in his together and the opposite of addiction is connection. Meeting my sister tomorrow and talk about it.
Have as good a weekend as you can all. Sober and clean. Pic is from Utrecht. Love the many alleyways there. Much love to all.
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Kid of a cool catch - I had to snag it when I logged on tonight. Ill be working this weekend, on some consulting stuff. Regular work is going well. Not much else at the moment. Have a good weekend!
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Day 34
Today was a pretty productive day chore-wise.
Tomorrow is day one of my new antidepressant, Trintellix. Supposedly it is “new and improved,” so we’ll see about that. I’m just going to take it and try not to overanalyze every little mood change etc…which is hard for me to do at times. I messaged my Dr. just to give her a heads up that I was still on course. She actually responded, which was cool. I have an in-person check-up in a couple weeks.
Still walking, stretching, trying to eat healthy…but it’s hard not to reach for the chocolate and carbs. To be fair, they’re still far superior to the liquid poison. 
Proud of all you badasses here today! Keep on keepin’ in! 
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Day 299
Drug free.
Kind of all over the place this last week and a half… because therapy is hard. But I know it’s going to help in the long term. Also I haven’t had a full night’s sleep all week. Averaging 3-4 hours. One night I got 5, and one I got 2… And as I type this it’s closing in on 3am so I don’t anticipate much sleep again. 
Also, we’ve had a few storms the past week, and my wifi is out. And my kids are getting frustrated. Especially my little one, because she relies on her Internet to use her phone to learn new words, communicate, and also watch cartoons to calm herself when she’s overwhelmed. I’ve made an appointment for them to come Tuesday. So we will just do the best we can until then
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