Going back to my old mantra today, I’m here, I’m alive and I’m sober.
Not because life is har in general this time,more because it’s a great reminder that I’m right where I need to be. And as long as I’m alive I have the power to change, and become who I want to be.
The difference this time is that I’ve stopped caring about what other people, especially family will think about it.
Y’all know my Grandma Passed away a few years ago and my Pa like two year ago when I was still here, from Covid-19.
So I won’t make anyone of them upset or disappointed.
Also neither of them was who we thought they where and there was a lot of things coming out after my Pa died.
For example all the money we’ve put in as rent for the house (My father bought it so we could rent it) was gone. Nearly 8 years of rent,extra bills that was supposed to be covered with the rent. Extra Money for renovations, and a really High rent to cover all other possible expenses was all gone. We don’t know where they went but we think he got into a stock scam online. And apparently I’ve got a big brother no one ever told me about before. We’ve met a few times but It feels to strange.
All my Ma (who still owns the house) says about it is that, it was Pa’s money. She still expect us to pay the High rent despite my uncle showing her calculations on how much it should be. And every time something costs extra she gets upset.
I’ve told her to sell the house to whoever will buy it like a hundred times. But she wants us to buy it.
Don’t know how I couldn’t see how toxic she was before last week’s vacation, where me and my kids more or less had to walk on eggshells around her so she wouldn’t get mad. Which she became anyway. All she wanted to do was sitting in the hotell room getting drunk and call my sister.
We argued about that a few times, she blamed it all over on me, refused to own any part of it, didn’t even say she’s sorry, but kept on like nothing happened,and I finally gave up on her when I realized that she’s always been this way all my life. I have a plan on how to distance from her now, because that’s not something I want my kids to experience at all.
I’m just mad at myself for not seeing it or realizing it earlier.
The good thing on the other hand, is that I’ve stopped caring about her opinion. Before I’ve always tried to live up to all the expectations. I’ve got two PhD’s none of them good enough for her. I’ve been married with my husband for about 15 years, he’s still not good enough for her. All my life choices,my closet, my kids interests, everything has always been met with negativity. And I’ve always went over the top to try to get a compliment, a Thank you or at least some acceptance. For nothing. But I’m free now.
Within two years, I’ll either buy the house from her myself, or we’re going to move to another house or apartment in our village. Born and raised here,I would love to move far, like to another country. But I don’t want my kids to move away from their friends and school. But I do have a plan for freedom. I plan I should have made a lot earlier.
At least my Aunt likes me (My father’s sister) she feels like the only family I’ve got left. Neither my mother or my siblings speaks to her because they don’t like her. And haven’t for a very long time.
I’ve talked to her about Ma when we came home from last week’s vacation, and she simply said. “I know, she’s always been this way, it’s sad and I’m sorry”
And that was all.
Are everyone’s family relations this complicated?
We can do it, I promise.
Keep em coming.