Day 1: no grazing
Day 23: no credit cards
Day 712: no pills
I felt like using my credit cards but the feeling didn’t last long
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I understand this feeling so much. Being sober/not using is moee then just that, its about wanting to live, to take a bite out of life. Wishing you all tbe peace and freedom on yohr journey. Know that your 510 days are something I aspire to gain, and I appreciate you sharing your journey. I had heard thst year 2 is more challenging then yr 1 in some ways bc yr 2 is when we start living and dealing with life. Im sure theres some truth to it, and maybe the feeling is a bit of - okay im sober NOW WHAT? Lets go life! Hang in & hang on. Ypure an inspiration xo.
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Day 15. One day at a time.
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Checking in.
Ive got my list of daily tasks aroud not drinking. We arw about the have 2 weeks at home, then a trip tp cottage of just my husband and I with our 2 kids. This will be the longest stretch of just us in 6 months. It is hard and necessary, and I understand all the reasons why we cannot care for my nephew…but it is hard.
I want to use this time to get 3 weeks under my belt. I have asked my husband only to buy what he will drink and get rid of the rest. I have my daily 3 I am going to stick with, which has been hard to do and I can say I do not stick with a routine around: prayer, meditation and exercise. I am going to start with 10 minutes a day of exercise (I do not sit feom tbe minute i get up until i hit the pillow…the only time I sit is when I drive) and 5 minutes of meditation - this i have talked to my IFS counsellor about, visualizing my selves with my core self. My 12 and 16 yr old self need to be cared for, my trauma self from now…oh I have kept her in a box? In the back and its like she was badly burned in the fire. My drinking as a young teenager was very connected to trauma, and I struggled very much with being triggered and not knowing what to do deal with first - the drinking or the trauma. I know the trauma is triggering, but I think that it makes sense to focus on being sober & healing as I go. My therapist believes I need to go slow, take my time and I have this real feeling of HEAL IT LETS FUCKING HEAL IT and really, shes burnt and badly and it is going to take time. I have to be patient, and while being patient I also have to be patient in earning the trust and learning to care for my younger selves. I had to be so independent at a young age; i now understand I have always had a lot of responsibility within our family, and this situation is no different everythong is just amplified. I have had to deal with hard truths, around my family and its an additional revelation and opening of old wounds I really…am partially grateful to see this so i can work through it on my side, but it is very painful as well. In AA, many years agp I did my 4th around my parents and learned to: 1) make amends for my wronfs, 2) live and let live, 3) accept them for who they are and not try to change them or even think that I know a better path for them, 4) forgive them for they are human. A ripple, a hard ripple started when my daughter was born around this, and its not that I hadnt done my best to process these relationships bit the birth of my daughter brought it up in a new way…and now tbe death of my sister has me having to FACE IT, all in a very sharp way.
Anyway, i am going to give it a go with not smoking also. A member here mentioned how doing both isnt a bad thing and can in fact help, and while I wouldnt recommend it to anyone (go your way that works for you! & keep trying…its not just starting again, its continuing on our journey), I do know tbat when I have drank i wake up each time desperately wantinf to quit smoking.
I want my children to be proud of me, to feel safe and loved and to know a healthy love from their parents. This is so much a part of my identity, that wanting this isnt just for my children but for me. It wears you out to keep feeling like you are starting again and failing, I am tryinf to not shame myself - the amount of guilt I feel is overwhelming and crushing, and I know part of that is me and part of that is feeling that I failed to protect my sister. Dear God the onion is so fucking big!!! But I have nicoret, and I have hope and Ive got to do the do things and put one foot in feont of the other, one day at a time and listen to you wonderful people, rely on my HP (Oh i am in control of the bus one fuck of a lot & i forget ALL THE TIME that s/he is here). Trying not to bite off more then I can chew, but i feel the connection in my addictions.
Wish me luck & courage. Wishing you all another 24 xo.
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Killing it my friend, proud of you Paul
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Hello all, checking in on day 9. I am way too early to pick up my daughter from school so now loitering in the rain outside like a weirdo.
Busy day, but going well so far. Hope to catch up more on here in a bit, once school runs and dinner are done.
Have a good day everyone
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Checking in on day 50. Got a call from mhab yesterday and confirmed the move in date is July 24th, definitely pretty excited. Just had a good processing emotions group, didn’t really have much to say today as I feel everything had been pretty well lately. I’m not sure what else to say today but much love everyone take care and have amazing days
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Cheers mate I’m always watching your journey and willing you the best. 
Keep em coming.
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Day 17, calm restful and enjoying the family. Reading books and playing with my nephews and nieces
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I am so proud of you @Butterflymoonwoman. Who knows where these thoughts arise from. Addiction is a sly fucker. While I’m thinking “I got this” its in the parking lot doing push ups and just waiting for an opening. I remain vigilant and you have made me more aware. Thank you Dana. You are doing the hard work. It’s awesome. I hold you in high regard! I check in clean and sober .
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Our visitors are here six days and everyone is drinking wine every evening. Quite hard
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It’s been a while since I’ve checked in on this thread.
I am struggling with emotions and loneliness. I have no desire to act out or use anything to drown it out. My thereapist said i need to find other coping skills to get past the feelings, which I agree. I spend a lot of time in nature. But other than that I’m with my son or I’m working.
What I’ve come to realize is that i need real human contact. The few real life friends i have are not there for me the way i am there for them. They reach out to me as a person that will listen. But when i try to talk about what is going on in my life they are distracted or don’t take any of it seriously, especially when it comes to recovery. One tells me all the time that i just need to go back to smoking weed…i don’t want to! The other just complains about her life, doesn’t listen or support me, and won’t come visit. It seems like she thinks my whole recovery thing is a joke. I always have to visit her if i want to hang out. It’s an hour drive one way…it gets old. My sister calls and gossips and talks about herself, doesn’t ask about my son or I. They don’t get it! I feel alone and tired. I have people I reach out to online and continue daily meetings, I crave an in person friend. Someone that will listen and understand and vice versa.
I hold all of my stress in my jaw and have had a headache for days now. I scheduled myself a 30 minute massage today for my neck and upper back hoping it will help. I just needed to vent.
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What kind of meetings are you attending? I’m friends with so many from my homegroup, but I’ve been there for 3 years, they helped me get sober.
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@karenkw I do hope you are feeling better today. I do understand the need to self isolate when we are struggling. That is when we really do need to reach out and communicate with friends (you know we are always here for you).
@mno grateful for a great manager – hope you do get the rest you need during your time off.
@sobermedic how are you doing today? Hopefully taking time to relax a bit on your day off.
@timetochange your visitors will not be gone soon – hang in there. You are doing marvelous in protecting your sobriety
@geng love that you are taking actions to stay accountable. Its early yet and totally ok to be nervous. I’m sure that feeling will not last long.
@sabrina80 I totally understand the anxiety when internet connection is down. Even on the days when I wasn’t planning on using the internet my mind starts thinking what if I need something or what if I’m missing an email… so grateful that you are up and running again.
@mewmcmew Hey Crystal I am so sorry that you are struggling. I do hope the massage will help you out today. Glad that you took the time to vent today – we need to let go of the hurt feeligns and writing them out is a great way to start that process. Your friends sound like mine used to. I found myself giving everything and driving long distances to go see them and they couldn’t even be bothered to email or phone. So i stopped calling and i think after 20 yrs i got a hello are you alive email from one of them 
– these are not true friends and you deserve better. Human connection is super important and healthy. Not sure if meet ups are available in your area but possibly join one for hiking so you can mingle with people in nature and possibly make friends. In the meantime we are all here for you and your virtual friends.
Checking in on Thursday afternoon
I’m doing ok enough. had enough energy this morning to get a few things accomplished now may need to lie down as i’m starting to feel dizzy. I got my test results back and not the best but I have to remind myself that i only started cleaning up my act a little over 6 months ago and it will take time to heal and i will heal all the damage ive caused… just need to stay positive and keep on keeping on… Fuck addiction and the bad health (physical, emotional and mental) that it creates! We are strong and will overcome these addictions. Much love my sober friends… 
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Not been on here much, but here I am on day 67 and still sober. Wishing every one strength 
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I don’t have any in person meetings for SLAA. That’s my main fellowship. I’m trying to get to in person OA meetings but have a hard time since i have my son during most meeting times. I started going to an in person, all addiction meeting Friday nights. There’s over 100 people there. It’s a little overwhelming. There have been people i found in online meetings that are local to me, but the interaction doesn’t seem to last long. One guy tried hitting on me… it’s frustrating.
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@JazzyS thank you for being here! The universe knows I’m trying to find people! Lol. I thought about looking for some kind of group of nature hikers. It may be my next step. I’ve been writing in a journal for a while now, but the last few days i have not. I know i need to get back in there because it does help! I keep reminding myself to keep doing what I’m doing and things will come when ready. My thereapist said I’ve come a long way, so that’s reassuring.
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I totally know how we don’t always appreciate all the work we’ve done and how far we’ve come - so lovely when someone else (like your therapist) can point that out to us.
Believe me - i know how hard it is to find good friendships - especially good female friendships but let me tell you - it is possible. In the past 5 years after joining a meet up knitting group and a hiking group i have made friendships with the most amazing group of woman. Do not give up on seeking out companionship - it will happen!
Much love my friend - i do hope you do get back to journaling.
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