havenāt checked in in a while. pain is still pretty unmanageable and Iāve barely been eating/drinking water. however tracking everything has made me realize what a poor quality of life Iāve had. I donāt know how to change it yet but I know I need to. it doesnāt sound like much but thatās been a big wake up call for me.
anyways I mostly stopped to checked in because I noticed in 11 hours Iāll be 500 days clean of self harm. Itās a huge number that I never imagined to reach. Iāll post in here again once Iāve reached the 500 mark.
@PinkyP thank you so much 
š©µ
@Minatasha so good to see you checking-in welcome back, congrats on 5 days 
@Butterflymoonwoman keep pushing through the urges, proud of you! Sending strength 
š©µ
@Amy30 congrats on 6 months
@JazzyS today has been rough after some nightmares and a migraine, the miserable weather is probably fuelling the depression, I got soaked on both of my walks, atleast I still did them though. If I get selected for an interview, Iāll be coming to you for a pep talk 
Im sorry yesterday was rough for you I hope today has been better š©µ
1068 days no alcohol.
533 days no cocaine.
48 days no vape.
I slept from 10:30pm til 09:30am! 11 hours! A shame about the nightmares though, woke up feeling horrendous.
Did my morning routine.
Took my eldest cat to the groomers for his nail trim, had a chat with the groomer about how to try to prepare my younger cat, for getting him in his carrier next Tuesday, he has some matting and so he needs a rescue groom again, but in November, when he was booked in for a wet bath and groom, I had to give up after trying very hard to get him in his carrier, so I had to cancel his appointment. I really donāt want the same thing to happen again as I have no other way of getting him there, and he needs it done, because it will continue getting worse if not.
Tomorrow morning I have the drumming workshop to go to again, and I really enjoyed the first session last week, so Iām looking forward to it, I just hope this migraine Ive got has gone by the time I wake up! 
Wishing you all wonderful sober weekends.
š©µ
Day 594
Slightly later check in for me today, been a busy one with work and then things at home being sorted for the weekend.
This is literally a proud dad post so please stop reading if you donāt like these sort of things, however I am a proud parent to 4 amazing miniature humans who all have high functioning Autism spectrum disorder diagnoses, they are amazing and unique, they suffer socially and they are not neurotypical in any way but they are so intelligent and talented.
Freya (My youngest) has smashed her SATs and I mean absolutely smashed them. She got 2 marks off of 100% in one area and 100% in the other 3 areas. Literally in the top 0.1% nationally for her age.
Been invited to an awards evening next week for Riley as he is going to receive 5 awards - 2 for achievements in school subjects, one for the player of the year for the football team, one for his outstanding lead performances in the school musical t which concluded today and a District Schools award for breaking the yr 8 & 9 district school discus record and heās in year 8.
Alyssa one of my twins passed her driving test and has been given an extended hours contract with her employer now she has finished her college course as she awaits a veterinary surgeon scholarship placement.
And last but not least my other twin and eldest by 1 minute (heād never let me not let you all know that) Corey, finished his college course today, all his submissions which have been graded have come back at distinction grade with only one to mark he will be getting onto his Uni course easily and will have enough UCAS points to get in at Loughborough for his sports science degree which is the number 1 sports studies Uni in the UK. He has his driving test next week so hopefully he will smash that like he has his course too.
Itās cost me a fortune in waffles, ice cream and desserts at a local gelato / waffle house but I couldnāt not treat them after such an amazing academic year!
Congratulations all of you, you are all amazing.
My 13 y/o has High functioning autism and tourettes (not that kind when you say random words, but he does other sounds and tics). Every victory is worth celebrating big.
Amazing! Wow, you have such a high achieving family. I am also UK so get just how great those SATS results, getting into Loughborough is. Also, what beautiful names they all have.
Those waffles were so well deserved 
Just realised I havenāt checked in, really thought I had, been on here all day! Just made 10 days.
It was my daughterās Year 6 leaving party just now. Wow, it was noisy. She seems happy though and so ready to move on.
I donāt have much to add, probably why I didnāt check in earlier. Life is good, frustrated with my knee pain meaning I canāt exercise, but had a physio appointment today and really hopeful.
Have a great evening everyone.
Glad the tracking is something thatās helping you in an otherwise miserable time. Hopes that youāll soon be better. Fingers crossed for that! Yay you and congratulations for your 500 days coming up! So happy for you on that!
@CATMANCAM i worry I could break my cats legs getting her in her carrier. Lately Iāve had some Better success putting the carrier on a couch or chair arm at a slant and slipping her in head first that way. First time worked like a charm. Second didnāt. Last two times Iāve had it at the slant and slipped her in feet first. Itās a challenge. Good luck.
Day 15. Had a very bad day today. An incident triggered a lot of anxiety and the craving was very strong. I kept telling myself - āItās just one evening. It wonāt matter. I wont drink from tomorrowā. But I know where that āone drinkā or āone eveningā ends.
I told myself that if I walk into a wineshop and buy that bottle, I would be wasting all these past days, that have been so difficult. It worked. I didnāt drink today.
Iāve been walking. It helps calms my mind, gives me time to thing and I need the exercise. I walked a lot today. Needed to burn away the anger inside me or at least take off itās edge.
Yeah!! Great to see Amy!! Congratulations on your 6 months!!
Late last night I passed 8 months sober.
Pretty pleased with that.
OMG love ā it is a big deal ā these revelations are what help us stay in the road to recovery and heal on our recovery journey. So excited for your 500 days clean of self-harm ā so very proud of you. You have worked so hard to get here so do appreciate all your amazingness! I am sorry that you are still experiencing so much pain ā do hope you get some relief soon.
@catmancam I do hope you get rid of that migraine. Sending you healing vibes to get out of the depression funk. I am looking forward to the drumming session tomorrow for you. Best of luck with getting your cat to the groomers ā Iāve never had pets but can imagine the difficulty in getting them into a carrier and to an appointment (my sister deals with similar issues with her older cat). Iāll be here for your pep talk needs 
@brokenwolf WOW ā Be a proud dad ā your kids are shining stars! Well done ā Each one of em is super impressive. The waffles, ice cream and desserts were well deserved.
@jennyh congrats on your double digits! Glad the physio appointment helped ā hope you are able to take care of the knee pain
@pagan I am so sorry for the bad day you experienced but super proud of you playing the tape forward and realizing that it doesnāt end at 1 drink. Well done my friend ā every time you face and conquer an urge the stronger you become. Glad you were able to get some fresh air which helped calm you down. Keep strong
@brian1965uk HELL TO THE YEAH!!! 8 moths of sobriety in the bag! Well done Brian. Btw ā when is your marathon or did I miss it.
Checking in Friday night
205 days alcohol and weed free
620 days cigarette free
It was a good Friday - i was able to keep up with my self-care today and my detox diet. I did try out a seated gentle yoga session and did a 15 min walk before the severe thunderstorms (we had large hail) - grateful I was safe indoors by then. Am starting to get a headache so iām grateful itās bed time and i can hopefully sleep it away. Made it another day clean of all addictions! Much love to you all my sober friends - 
I see my doctor the 31st and Iāll have a lot to show him then so hopefully we can at least run some more tests. this is the first milestone Iāve felt truly proud of.
Congratulations on 6 months!!! Way to go!
Congratulations on your 8 months of freedom!! Proud of you 
Day 278
Today was not bad. It was definitely long. Starting at 5 to help find openers at work, and just ending at 845. I have been reading, but not posting much these last few days. I think I was emotionally exhausted from last week, and just focusing on work. I am feeling better each day. And am happy to be here. Love yāall.
Another day down and forever to go
Thank you for sharing this. What an amazing feat. I struggle with those cravings and urges also, and have to find a way to pull through them. Good for you and keep going!!
31st isnāt so far away - grateful that you will be going in with your own information and questions - 
that your doctor does do proper analysis and do follow up tests.
500 is huge! so very happy for you and happier that you are feeling proud of yourself as well!
Checking in
Day 516
Today has been another day clean and sober. Grateful for that 
Had using thoughts again today and figured that i should talk to hubby about whats been on my mind for the past week or so, so that i had support here at home also. Talking with him helped solidify WHY i am on this path of recovery. He was my rock today for helping me sort out my thinking.
I honestly didnt do much today. Just some basic cleaning around the apartment. Took all my effort to get up off the couch and clean. But it had to be done. And honestly i started feeling better when i began vacuuming and doing dishes.
Im just so grateful to be clean and sober. I absolutely NEED to get my recovery groove back though. Im tired of thinking using thoughts everyday and ive been racking my brain trying to figure out WHY I have been having these thoughts. Maybe it doesnt matter tho WHY im thinking them, bcuz what truly matters is what i do with these thoughts. What i can learn from them and how i can get passed them. They scare me. I actually began crying today becuz i was scared for my future and scared to relapse. Thankfully i dont have drugs anywhere near me or in the home and i dont have any using friends or any phone numbers. So access to it is verrry difficult. I have built a healthy environment around me and that helps so much in staying clean. Im grateful for all of u 
Hope everyone is having a great addiction free day.
Back to day 3.
Wanted to check in again, now that weāre off the road. Day 2 of not smoking during the day. Just had 2 smokes after the kids wrnt to sleep, I have been trying the niocrette gum and had a piece during the day the last two days and it really helped. I think I have really felt the feeling of: whatever i need to do to get by - since my sister was killed. But i do feel I am in a different place now, where I am ready to start tackling some thinfs and also want to get to a place where I feel good about who I am. I have felt a lot of strength in the fight for her and my nephew, but I need to put some things down and embrace my own life again too.
I havent had social media and downloaded instagram and facebook just before my sister died, as I had planned to start an online kids consignment business. I have decided since not to go through with thatā¦but having Instagram it allowed me to look at all of my sisters photos, as the police still have her phone and they cannot return it to us open for us to get her pictures. So many of her things have been lost in this; I will not even go in to the story of a family member who offered to empty her home for us, and how little of her things we ended up recieving. Anyway, I believe I have been on my phone too much is the long story short and instead of using my down time to write emails, deal with legal issues, etc. I am tryinf to meditate and connect where I am. My life has been so busy that I am always waiting for a moment to sit, and then also feel like im failing to not have a āroutineā around exercisinf and meditatingā¦I have to just do it daily when I can, where I can and I have actually found these last few days while putting my youngest to slepe and cuddling him is a perfect time to meditate. People with drink issues, other issues, etc. All get off routine and have things be shaken up, and have to get back on trackā¦and getting away from something isnt a reason to feel a failure or shame.
I am tryinf to do the exercises of sittinf with my younger selves, my more recent trauma self and the part of me that shames me and holds so much shame and guilt. Its amazing to me that losing my sister hasnt just been about the pain of greif, the trauma of how she died and the legal systems; it hasnt just been about caring for my nephew and navigating the exhausting world of special needs care and services; its been about all of these old wounds, family issues that become SUPER loud during these extreme times, its been about upheavels in myself and things I thought I knew, thinfs I thought I knew about myself and generally just feeling like a baby fresh from the womb in this world. Learning is painful, but I have hope that it is so worth it. We are all so worth it, and growinf is hard afā¦but so is staying the same.
Wishing you all courage tonight, and another 24. Thanks for being here you beautiful souls.
Xo.