6.50 days about for being sober
12.80 hours no vape
Be4 I woke up I had a dream I was at a store and this person was trying to sell me a electric lighter. I’ve always wanted one but they are for cigs. In my dream I said no I don’t want it because I don’t have a cig and he said he would give me a rolled cig but then the lighter wouldn’t work. It had all these accessibility but it wouldn’t work. Then I woke up. I thought it was a good reason why I’ve been thinking about quitting nicotine.
I have plenty of gum and lossinges. All 4mg so I’m set.
The vape was 6mg
No matter how long I vaped I always felt like I needed more of it so lastnight at about 8 I said this is crazy and put the vape away
Checking in because I need all the accountability I can get. I managed to get another sponsee at my AA meeting last night. That has me at 3 active. And I’m starting to freak out a bit. But I’m trusting God knows best. When I am overwhelmed, it’s my cue to lean on Him and His power and not my own. I will say that everything I’ve heard in the rooms of AA and on here about how working with others keeps you sober is 100% true. My sponsees are critical to my sobriety, help me stay out of self pity and hold me accountable to work my own recovery diligently, thoroughly and fearlessly.
I have been working the 12 Steps with a new sponsor and step 4 has been an absolute eye opener and life changing. One thing she has challenged me to do is to let go of all my old ideas absolutely. Even ideas & thought processes that are good. Definitely ideas and thought processes that are bad. Being willing to admit I really don’t have all the answers, the answers I think I have may not be the right ones and to let go absolutely of my old way of thinking has revealed that I still don’t have this all figured out. I am a work in progress. And as long as I am willing to be honest and open minded, I can stay sober just for today.
I am really struggling. Full of guilt and shame, and I feel like all of the epiphanies and rverything, why do I pick up a drink? I know that even though it isnt “out of control” crazy, it is STILL out of control in that I am drinking and that isnt what I want. The shame is so big, i feel i cannot trust myself and so alone. My mother in law gave me a piece of her mind yesterday, and it was a bit harsh but also sometimes we need an ass kicking. I just want to be done. I want to get through those days where my brain says: ooo you found some go ahead. Literally i rarely buy alcohol its usually just there - everywhere I go, and a decent amount of it.
I do not know what to do rught now bc I know now that I cannpt be arpund alcohol. I iust cannot, and yet the people arpund me all drink. I already feel so isolated, and I got sober last time while living with someone who drank heavily bc I just knew in the end it was my choice. And i felt like if i did that before i should be fine now, i have to do it bc I cannot ask others to change bc I have a problem (even if I ask, i have not seen people get it). Its my responsibility no one elses. I just feel like i keep kicking the crap out of myself, and I am so fucking scared. 100 day challenge is there, but i feel so down on myself like i keep tryong new things and just want to get it right.
What do you do when you get that urge to pick up a drink? I dont have anyone to call.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. In early sobriety I pre-decided what I was going to do when I had urges. I found replacements for alcohol because it was also the routine and familiarity of drinking that was hard to quit. I was a night time drinker. So I started drinking hot tea so I had something in my hands and occupying my mouth when i would typically be drinking. I also started drinking sparkling water. We have some lightly flavored varieties here where I live. Pour over a cup of ice with a squeeze of lime and I felt like I was still having a drink. Even if you don’t have someone to call about not drinking, you may just want to call someone else and ask how they are. I find that when I shift the focus off me and on to others, I forget about my own urges to drink. Being of service is key to my sobriety. Or you can clean, organize something if that’s your thing. Some people read, do creative things. It’s just deciding what to do ahead of time that is key. If I’m going somewhere that will have alcohol I either bring my own drink(s) or decide ahead of time what I will order if we’re out and the server asks if I’d like something to drink. Cranberry juice, club soda and lime is my go to drink. Or a Perrier or Pellegrino with lime. I like lime.
Thanks Crysta, i just feel like such an idiot for being here. I had 10 years of sobriety before, and I feel like I am just so stupid. The shame is big. I need to know what to do when i get tjose urges. They just come out of (seemingly) no where and availability is a big thing for me. I dont want to tell anyone else how to live, but I feel very powerless right now. I have always struggled with step 2.
Being of service. Yes. Even thpugh i have been on a mission to care for my nephew and children, with little time for me I fewl like I have so little to give. But I do have things to give, and I want to work through this so badly. Thank yoh for being here. This time it will be different. I have to believe it can be.
don’t know. One part of me says I better pick a date. I would like it to be 7/24 and I will be back for meetings and counting days. It would be less strange coincide forced and more easy to digest mentally.
Yet your encouragement like @Dolse71@Alisa@Cjp or @Misokatsu said really calms me down a little bit. I don’t know / last time about 3 years ago I got that massive amount of strange coincidences like the one with big Glasses advertising ((while listening AA tapes / while driving)) about how Heaven is an place on Earth - yet all we need to do is change new Glasses to see it \\ and then massive New Glasses advertising appearing in front of me /// and much more coincidences like that - yet I ignored that - / said I must be going crazy / so I drinked and that ended by me being handicapped with half of my one arm now…
Maybe I need to listen the message this time [ … ]
[UPDATE]
Now when I was writing this what happened next just blow up my mind /// radio station switched itself and song started to play /// lyrics sounded like /// Don’t be afraid, God is with You; He planted seed into your heart, have nothing to be afraid /// it’s not exact lyrics but something like that (even more situation related) - and I literally started to cry… It touched my heart… I give up… Accept the thing I cannot change /\ No more proof is needed for me. @Dolse71 words keep me grounded - You right, how much proof do I need /// I guess some Higher Power intervention was needed and I am charged for sobriety
I know you have given so much of yourself and that can make you weary. In time and with time the obsessive thoughts become less and less. Just in this early phase you have to put your sobriety above all else because otherwise all else will be gone. It’s not selfish. You aren’t the savior of the world, your family, your friends or anyone. People will learn to get by and survive if you aren’t available to meet their needs. Sometimes we assign ourselves responsibilities and burdens we aren’t meant to carry. The weight of it all crushes us and we can’t even care for ourselves. At that point we are of no use to anyone, not even ourselves. We are the exact opposite of all we’ve tried to be. Because we are taking on things that truly aren’t our responsibility. This can be a form of self will run riot. I’m not saying you are doing that. But it is something to be aware of. Just keep taking it one day at a time. Also, choosing to distance yourself from people who are drinking is ok. Maybe you don’t socialize as much or see family as much? But it’s not forever. It’s just a season. If you had the flu you would stay away until you were better. You have alcoholism so maybe you can stay away until you are in a better place with sobriety and have stronger sober muscles? Just a thought.
@mno a huge congrats on your 1500 days! What a lovely way to celebrate – with a 5 day mini vacation @timetochange ooh Venice sounds lovely! Something to look forward to. I’m sure you will have a wonderful sober time and appreciate Venice in a whole new light. I like the no excuses any more – may need to write that down and keep with you as a reminder. I keep a list of affirmations with me so that I can review them when I start to get down @karenkw how are you doing Karen? Been a few days since we’ve heard from you. I do hope you are doing well – do check in when you get a chance. @mischa84 OMG – I don’t think I would’ve had your restraint (LOL) – I would’ve been on the floor rolling. Good on you. Kids to pick up on the body language and only repeat what makes us the most uncomfortable – @zzz Not crazy at all. I know you are praying and wanting to get out of the drinking cycle but a part of you still plans for drinking days with friends or one more here and there – unfortunately its all or nothing my friend. I do believe in God as an energy that is all around us and in all of us – we are made to see signs like you witnessed when we ask for guidance. I’m not sure how many “lives” you have or chances left but are you really wanting to gamble that you have more? Take the gift of life and cherish it my friend. Are you continuing with your AA meetings? If not in person – at least keep on top of on line ones- some support is better than none at all. I know you are stronger than your addiction. You have the tools – just need to start applying. @kellykelly Ah man – no friend would make you feel like your decision to do whatever (especially when it’s for your health) is the wrong decision. I know you have been struggling with finding a good friend group but don’t give up hope – you do need to cut ties with the bad friend group (those that will bring you down and hurt your recovery). Love your decisions for today and tomorrow – we can stay sober together! @mrsodh A Yes Day sounds awesome – can’t wait to hear all about that. Wow – your renovation sounds extensive – wishing you the best of luck with that. @rob11 I can understand exactly where you are coming from – I know you have been battling this for a long time and don’t see any progress or when the feelings all hit it seems like you have regressed. Let me tell you friend – you have come a long way. You are doing amazing and I am grateful that you are getting the proper treatment now (grateful that they are starting at 0 but also wise enough to gather all your past info to properly assess the situation). Please do not surrender now – not now when you are finally being seen and treated for all of your symptoms as one symptom. I have faith that this will be favorable for you but you have to be open to it and give it a chance. Do not give up on yourself! @stronghope Welcome back and yeah to the double digits. Glad to see you back on track and working on you – hopefully you have a good support system or are working towards getting one. We are unable to do this trek alone. Hope to see you checking in more often @noshame well done – I know its not easy but you can do it – keep this feeling and dream in mind when you want to pick up.
Day 13 checking in. Massive congratulations @Mno You are such an inspiration.
Had a tough day so far. Two bits of horrible news this morning. Managed to just about keep my focus at work but not too sure what to do now. Wish my knees weren’t still so painful as can’t exercise.
@crystalclear thank you for that prayer – I speaks volumes! @mira_d Ah love I do realize it can be difficult when your DOC is so close at hand. I live with my brother and I’ve moved all the alcohol into the garage fridge and storage area. I don’t even know it’s there anymore. He was kind enough not to drink in front of me until I started feeling comfortable - is this something you could ask of the people around you (to possible place all the alcohol out of your sight). SO many amazing mocktails that you can create to keep in hand. When the urges would hit – I would find a way to occupy myself with games, tasks, chores anything with music or tv in the background and a refreshing sparkling drink in hand. I was also grateful when I found this site as I have been super active here to keep me distracted and also reading around about others struggles (an eye opener for sure) – So many have overcome so much and so can we. First things first which is easier said than done – get rid of that guilt and shame – don’t focus on how much sobriety you had and where you have slipped. You are not an idiot. My goodness you have gone through so much in such a short time and not that that’s an excuse but be a little more kind to yourself. You are here and wanting to get back on track – you will do so as long as you keep showing up for yourself. We are all here to lend support along the way.
Why not today? We do not know what the future holds and the longer you indulge this demon the stronger the hold becomes. You need to break free and find your way out. Again – never know when the last chance will be the last chance so live for now and today. Best of luck with whatever you decide – do know we are all here rooting for you. @jennyh sorry today’s been a bit rough – I do hope you have support with dealing with the bits of horrible news. Are you able to do seated exercises? Or search youtube for gentle exercises that don’t hurt your knees worse. I do hope your day gets better for you! Pilates for painful knees
Checking in on Monday morning
I do feel exhausted and drained - 2 cups of coffee and no pep in my step yet. Will do a cold shower see what happens… Not much to report - dealing with everything the best i know how and doing so addiction free! Have a fabulous day my sober friends… sending much love
Yesterday was at meeting and will continue to go. I remembered after hand accident, I actually was going there because more people talked about similar spiritual experiences and it helped me to handle them / not to feel different / learn to live with that / not to feel lonely or ashamed and get good stable down to Earth advices that I need. I think that is very healthy way to handle all that and also what comes with sobriety and different way of living.
Checking in on Day 3. This is amusing (to me anyway), so I went to an in-person AA meeting this morning & it was just me & 2 men. At first it was just me & 1 guy & I learned a lot about NASCAR racing . Anyway, it ended up being a fantastic meeting, they were both kind & I felt included, & it got me over my fear of speaking in an AA meeting as I’m so new & don’t know what I’m doing as far as working that program. I also read the preamble as there were 3 sheets of paper to read & 3 of us to do it! Bit of an unexpected dive into the deep end but if I don’t jump in in the beginning I tend to never jump in. I learned that there’s a large step meeting every evening at the same venue so I will try that out next. Anyway, chugging away on my recovery journey, hope everyone is doing well today.
In early sobriety I pre-decided what I was going to do when I had urges. I found replacements for alcohol because it was also the routine and familiarity of drinking that was hard to quit. I was a night time drinker. So I started drinking hot tea so I had something in my hands and occupying my mouth when i would typically be drinking. I also started drinking sparkling water. We have some lightly flavored varieties here where I live. Pour over a cup of ice with a squeeze of lime and I felt like I was still having a drink. Even if you don’t have someone to call about not drinking, you may just want to call someone else and ask how they are. I find that when I shift the focus off me and on to others, I forget about my own urges to drink. Being of service is key to my sobriety. Or you can clean, organize something if that’s your thing. Some people read, do creative things. It’s just deciding what to do ahead of time that is key. If I’m going somewhere that will have alcohol I either bring my own drink(s) or decide ahead of time what I will order if we’re out and the server asks if I’d like something to drink. Cranberry juice, club soda and lime is my go to drink. Or a Perrier or Pellegrino with lime. I like lime. 
