Over the weekend I met with a dude, who I been talking with about reviving his old band, label and albums.
It’s been about 2 years in the making yet we were always too busy to make something work, well apparently he just quit drinking and now needs someone who isn’t drinking to help him
Apparently I’m that guy, we went over about 5 songs with the drummer and bass player he has lined up, overall it went well, little hiccups but not bad for our first time, Virginia metal is coming back
Day 19. Felling a little better now. At least, I no longer wish to murder the next random person who speaks to me.
My addiction to alcohol suppressed a lot of CPTSD memories. I drank a huge amount. Enough to wipe out enough brain cells, to forget a lot of memories. But the real bad ones never go away. Yesterday I got triggered in a big way. Luckily I had just sprained my ankle and could not go out. That would have ended badly for sure.
Today is a little better. I almost feel sane.
I’m a Swede, we where neutral in all the wars. Well kinda,at least we didn’t have our army involved anywhere. But actually it’s not so odd. Before 1939 German was the main second language in elementary schools in Sweden. English was though later, of you went to higher grades. But 1939 the Swedish government changed that, and decided to make English the main second language in school, and German the third.
And since this is from 1947,many years later they probably hade some advertising in English, because a lot of people would have been able to read and understand it. 
My grandfather on mother’s side was born in the 30’s did speak perfect English, but he was a school teacher and a missionar.
Nowdays we get to learn English in daycare already and in 5th grade we get to choose a third language, usually German or French. You can choose Spanish when you get to grade 10 (The gymnasium)
Day 183 (technically 184 as it’s past midnight)
I’m feeling a lot of things and not all of them are good. Today I’ve been a bit down in the dumps. Yeah… like… just checking in. Sober. I need to stay connected. So here I am. Connecting.
My sobriety is so new and fragile, it needs protecting. Kid gloves. Tea. Moisturiser. Sleep.
Sorry, I know this isn’t making much sense.
@Juli1 I hope the exit contract and boundary setting both go well 
@GenG thank you, I appreciate you 🩵
@RosaCanDo good to see you checking-in Im glad you’re feeling proud, I’m proud of you too 🩵
@Mno congrats on 1500 days 
@JazzyS @anon74766472 thank you, and you’re both right, hating on myself and feeling shame did lead to a binge later at night. 
1071 days no alcohol.
536 days no cocaine.
51 days no vape.
1 day no binge-eating.
Therapy this morning was mainly taken up by discussing my ‘self-monitoring of feelings’ homework. I did notice the pattern of when I’m hating myself for having the ice creams, I’m perpetuating the binge-eating cycle, but also, I don’t know how to not hate myself for it. We didn’t get around to doing any of the compassion-focused therapy that we had planned for today’s session, so maybe there will be something in that that will help.
My homework this week is to try spending just 10 minutes at a time in the lounge (a place I don’t feel safe), colouring and listening to an audiobook, with an incense burning, because I spoke about how I’d like to listen more to make the most out of my membership, but for a long while now, I’ve only been able to listen when I cant sleep in the middle of the night, because when I’ve tried listening during the day I always feel too restless to focus and like I need to be doing something else. I do have some colouring books somewhere but not having them accessible has been a barrier for too long, so I ordered some new ones. We also spoke about how I could improve the regularity of my showering, so I have ordered some shower steamers to give them a try. I explained my reasoning for not wanting to buy unnecessary things, but she challenged me and pointed out what I’d already thought, about how much I’m spending on binge foods, so if I can do these other behaviours instead and get enjoyment out of them and engage as many of my senses as possible, then it will work out more cost effective.
Disclosing my binge-eating counter again because since I haven’t been, it has been worse. The shop is closed now so I’m safe for tonight.
Tomorrow is the day I have to get my crazy cat in his carrier to go to the groomers! I really hope it is a success this time.
🩵
It can do if you just do the next right thing, if you get any crazy thoughts wait 5 minutes and do the next right thing again. Congrats on your sober days 
Very impressed with this. I’m looking forward to watching your counter hit that 30 day milestone. Great job!
@Mno ,
Thank you so much for your service and example that you bring to TS. Congratulations on 1500 days. That’s a great gift.
Today was rough not only because it was hot as hell, but I didnt sleep well last night and was extra irritable today. Then when I got of work I went straight to the fridge and was like oh yeah shit
Spent the day fixing my car today. Going to work Doordash this evening to hopefully make some money.
I’m grateful that I could fix my car.
I’m grateful that my car didn’t get totaled while my son drive it to work last week while engine was overheating.
The tow bill was expensive. More than what it cost for me to repair. My insurance company cancelled my emergency road service and I didn’t bother to find it elsewhere.
And I’m sober. Even though my toxicity level is around 5. Praying a lot, searching for the lesson that God is trying to teach me. Learning to trust Him, in all circumstances. Learning that I have to strive to surrender my will over to Him.
What @Englishd said hit home, my “drinking” stems from my selfishness and my self-centeredness, not the other way around.
I am pretty selfish and self-centered. God wants to fix that. As some of the promises state:
We will lose interest in selfish things, and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Seeing why others say that the opposite of addiction is connection. When I’m selfish, I’m often not gaining interest in my fellows. It’s also when I’m selfish, in the spirit following my own will, I get myself in trouble. It’s impossible for me to be both self-seeking and connecting. It’s impossible for addiction to cohabitate with connection.
Celebrating day 283
Just reached 7 days sober and 1 full day no vape. No vape in over 24 hours. Like wow. I’m not really wanting to vape but I’m a little irritable and have a little anxiety but so far it’s controlled.
tonight will be day 503 of no self harm.
struggling a bit today. this is my second migraine day that left me in bed 99% of my day in a week. my eating has been awful but today was by far the worst. I’ve eaten only an apple. that’s it. I’m not even actively trying to starve myself anymore I just have almost no appetite. today I had no appetite but had to force myself to eat an apple. which then made me nauseous. and I have emetophobia so that lead to a panic attack.
@hoss how lovely that you were able to have such an intimate in person meeting – seems like you got a lot out of it. Keep chugging away my friend – you are doing great!
@juli1 well done my friend – you made it one more day / evening – you should be proud. Don’t think about if this should last – just work the ODAAT. We can not predict what we may or may not do in the future but we can be accountable for our actions in the here and now.
@zzz laughter is my go to for healthy healing – it also lightens the urges for me (I do try to surround myself with laughter to facilitate my healing).
@butterflymoonwoman love the idea of doing meditation by candlelight (has a different sort of energy about it). So lovely to hear about your well-rounded day – glad that the deep breathing practices helped
I do agree that it will turn out nicely – looking forward to seeing how you proceed and of course the end result
Oh how cool – hopefully you’ll be able to post a song or two on TS when you guys get more practice time in
@pagan – grateful for another hopeful day – glad to hear you are feeling a bit better now
@amy30 ah love – I’m sorry that you are struggling and in the dumps. It all makes sense – So true – our sobriety does need a lot of nurturing… it’s so crazy cause it not just leaving alcohol but we are also learning to deal with life without numbing ourselves and addressing our feelings and oh so much more – we are getting to know ourselves after a very long time of living in a bubble. You are doing fantastic – keep doing what you are doing. Do stay connected to get your doze of accountability. Good days / bad days and blah days – we are hear for them all! Sending you strength
@catmancam Sounds like you had a good session today with great things to try out – wishing you success with all of it. I do agree that once we start engaging all our senses we find a deeper connection with ourselves and have more control over our mind and therefore possibly our urges. You can never have too many coloring books 
- enjoy. Best of luck with getting your cat into the carrier tomorrow.
@chase.e.u deep breathes my friend. Sleep can be tricky at the beginning of sobriety and lack of sleep can make us irritable… it does get easier and life in sobriety is so fulfilling! Keep strong and you will succeed – ODAAT!
@noshame well done on your 1 week of sobriety and 1 day of no vape – hey, its normal to feel anxiety and irritable when we quit nicotine. Hang tight – you are able to fight these urges. Keep yourself busy when the urges hit
@sadmeemqueen Oh Megan that’s awful. I know that your stomach lining does shrink as you decrease eating and it takes some time to get your appetite back. Are you able to drink? Maybe drink your calories. It would be good to discuss this with your doctor as well. Healthy ways to increase your appetite. Hoping your migraine’s find some relief - healing vibes your way my friend.
Checking in on Monday night
208 days alcohol and weed free.
623 cigarette free
Was an off day but I did get my movement in – even went to a knitting meet up at the library and got to see some friends. It was lovely but super exhausting. I am getting ready to fall asleep and hopefully get some good rest - will be seeing my doctor tomorrow along with a specialist to hopefully get some answers. Sweet dreams my lovely sober friends - sending much love 
I have a few albums I posted some songs a while back, I generally don’t post a lot here just a “don’t shit where you eat thing”
But if you want send me a PM I’ll send you some links,
totally get and respect that and I will do -thanks.
This is great insight brother!
Day 160 sober. It’s been a beautiful day. Thai week I am a youth camp cabin leader for elementary age boys. Oh my goodness the energy that these young fellas have….
Praying that I can make it through the week.’lol
1501
Thank you Paul…
Ohyes, I forgot.
Waiting and split screen method made me 5 months sober last time.
