Went for another epic 2 hour walk. This time I listened to music, which I donāt normally do. It was fun walking around my town, seeing things up close I normally just wizz past in a car.
Made a strawberry almond butter green smoothie, (which is my new favorite) for lunch. Made a ton of healthy turkey chili with lots of vegetables for dinner. This way, I can freeze some of it and have easy meals prepped. Crazy the things I accomplish when Iām not boozed up and stupid, wasting my life away.
Went to a different AA meeting in our nearby college town. It was fun. A totally different vibe. Younger crowd. A lot of people roughly around my age. Not as many seniors as the one Iāve been to before. Iām still gonna go to my close local meeting in town, but itās good to switch things up. My goal is two meetings a week. That may increase or decrease, who knows. Iām still so new at this and feel kinda awkward still. I just need more time and Iāll feel more comfortable, Iām sure.
Well, off to bed. I didnāt sleep great last night so hopefully tonight is better.
2406 days. I found out this evening that a dear family friend has passed away. Not someone I kept in touch with more than yearly sometimes, but someone I knew was there whenever one of us wanted to reach out and reconnect. So I am sad and having a hard time falling asleep. I hope I donāt pay too dearly for it at work tomorrow. Lots of coffee maybe, but Iāll get through.
Iām here, Iām a alive and Iām sober.
Day 6
Day 3 without sugar.
Actually Iām feeling really good,the bedroom renovation project is getting most of my attention. I have so many ideas that I would need like 11 more bedrooms to renovate.
Yesterday I was thinking about what I can do with the water pipes and then I got this great idea about painting them green an make a Super Mario/ gaming room. Super Mario on the wall with the pipes,Kirby on another wall and Donkey Kong on the third wall.
My husband didnāt agree,he said it was a Great idea but suggested Iāll make our office or the tv room gaming themed instead. So I might do that later this year.
Then I talked with my brother about the Brick block he said that thereās a lot of options, either we keep the newspapers as art, or put on new plaster, or takes away all the plaster and keep the original bricks as they are.
I was determined to keep the newspapers at first, but I love all those other ideas too.
Maybe you can do all of it on different sides, thatāll be really cool I guess. But might look a bit messy.
As usual I canāt decide
Iāll keep you guys updated. Any ideas are very much welcome.
I wrote that wrong itās " The next right thing"
For once in our life we get a choice. I spent years thinking I choose to drink and take drugs and I told myself and others I Can stop whenever I choose to. Then I choose to stop and turns out I wasnāt in control of anything.
Our minds lie, our egos hate us and our self will runs riot.
So I did the craziest thing for the first time, I choose to not listen to the loud screaming voice telling me what I should do and choose to listen to that very faint whisper ( truth) telling me what I could do. Short term I choose pain over comfort, pain instead of regret because this short term pain could and would stop the long term pain I was causing to myself and others.
It was just the next Right thing.
And I only ever had to do it for one day, the next day I could do what I wanted, drink, smoke, snortā¦ But not today.
Guy who speaks with radioā¦ Honestly itās like me. I like to talk with non living things, like radio, books, pens, phone, whatever you can image. So, youāre not alone it!
I am beginning to think my painful legs the other day might have been muscle pain from a virus, all other family members have been sick with a fever one by one, and I am seemingly unaffected. And my legs have been back to regular acheyness. As usual the kids were champs with their sickness (my daughter actually got mad that I didnāt let her have a waterfight with her friends the day after a 38 degree fever).
I had my first ālast classā of the semester. On the wind down to exams, grading and then the trip to the UK. My travel anxiety is pretty bad, I keep worrying I have forgotten something and wonāt be let on the plane, or allowed back in the country, or something.
No thoughts of drinking. I had a period of being a bit obsessed with weight and food again. Think I will go back to focussing on healthy maintenance, not reducing for a little while.
Day 55 tattoo I did last night turned out ok. I totally would of liked to have more time to think about something for it and covered it up with something better. But atleast for now it looks better. Heading to my second session of parenting classes, Iām looking forward to these honestly. Managed to stay up this morning which was nice, have a nice chest day coming up at the gym. Really wish I could figure out why Iām gaining so much weight, Iāve been dieting better, walking and jogging and Iām still not losing anything. Itās very frustrating. Anyways much love everyone have a good day Tuesday
The responsibility of my nephew has been difficult to balance for me, as my family had assigned me the responsibility and of course I accept it as he deserves all of the effort. It is difficult to explain how consuming it has been, and its not just because I decided for it to be soā¦but when my husband said it isnt working and he asked me to face this with him, it was crushing and yet also my perspective shifted in a way that I fewl almost ashamed to say is a relief. It was not me, or some failure of mine or even my husband, or anyone. This is just not working because my nephews needs are so high, we do not have the physical supports in home, and our home dysregulates him constantly because of the energy of our 2 other children.
I need to find my hope, faith and trust that things will turn out exactly as they are meant to. I think part of me believes it, part of me has always struggled with step 2ā¦which in rhe end keeps me pulling back on step 3.
I hate beinf where I am today, as I feel like i was not able to focus on myself and healing but now having some time to im almost OBSESSED with myself and getting better/being a failure. Its such a funny line to walk needing to be selfish for yourself and to heal; and also feeling like youre being too selfish. I do feel like I am willing to do ANYTHING to get sober and stay that way, and I know that the first while is hard and thenā¦the desire is lifted as you do the work.
I do think I want to give AA another shot. I am sure there are others out there who agree with my ācritiquesā of the program (mostly judgment and shaming), but i think that is more to do with personalities and not the steps. I remember clearly when i went in to AA at the beginning at 18 yrs old, that there were A LOT of personalitiesā¦and those that judged or used the book to shame just were not who I gravitated towards, and I do love the stepsā¦I just understand that people have to find their own experience and journey with themā¦im not sure about physical meetings as I think thete is only 2 within an hour drive of me and we live in a really small community, so im just not sure I am ready for that.
Going to start by listening to my meeting tapes. Wishing you all another 24 xo.
Day 20. Fighting dopamine addiction is a pain in the butt, has been most of my life. Itās like i have to make a decision first thing in the morning how the day is going to be. Am I going to hand my brain over or fight back? Be controlled by my impulses or remember all my training? Itās a daily battle. But we here.
Day 6: no grazing
Day 28: no credit cards
Day 716: no pills
Last night Iāve noticed that I would mostly graze on cheese (sliced, string, whatever). Since then I havenāt had any cheese at all. Why I chose cheese is beyond me. Can you blame me, though? Cheese is delicious!
I think I kinda figured out whatās wrong with me. Iām crashing from the ridiculous amount of energy drinks Iāve forced down my throat over the weekend to pull long hours of work.
And I almost completely dropped sugar.
And Iām probably a bit depressed.
Andā¦ my birthday is coming up in the next couple of weeks.
And Iām fat.
And Iām stuck in a loop of āWhat ifā¦ā thinking combined with being haunted by the past.
And this fucking heatwave is doing my head-in.
Okā¦ thereās no actual reason then. Itās just my mental health and my physical exhaustion combined causing me grief.
!
I like to talk with non living things, like radio, books, pens, phone, whatever you can image. So, youāre not alone it!
I hope you will feel soon better.
