Checking in daily to maintain focus #56

[JazzyS]

@butterflymoonwoman I am glad that you are doing well with your eating and not having any urges. I do hope that you are able to get back to your prayer and meditation as this practice really helps keep you grounded and keeps the thoughts away. I think you are already super active in your day to day activity so I’m glad that you are not being hard on yourself for not getting your exercise in – you will get back into it when your body feel ready. Hope you did get in some selfcare and do take more time for you. Much love my friend – sending you good vibes with all that you are juggling with.
@cueball8n9 Congrats on your new job. Sounds absolutely perfect – so happy for you! Glad that you had this month to do your mission trip in Mexico and be a camp leader.
@1in8billion I am so sorry that you are feeling lost. I think its great that you are setting an manageable agenda for your day. Wishing you the best in making the most of your day.
@catmancam WELL DONE On your 60 days of vape free! Sorry you had such shitty sleep. It seems like you got a lot done with little rest. I do hope that the pain subsides as you build strength form your physio.

@Dustysprungfield

jealous of those with more time than me… Wish i was back up in triple digits but it’ll come.

I know its disheartening at times to be starting over. You have gained insight from this slip and added on support to help keep you moving forward. You will reach those numbers again and surpass them! We are here for you and I do hope that you have a support system / plan ready for the tough days ahead.
@starlight14 It’s a daunting thought but I’m starting to feel like it’s a gift. We have had our eyes opened to the horrific effects of alcohol / drugs. Even when done moderately – the effects can be catastrophic. We are now living our BEST lives and doing so without the chains of our DOC. I do hope you are doing ok – what made you ponder this today?

Checking in on Thursday morning
Feeling decent enough. Loving the cooling off affect after a massive storm. Thank goodness no humidity. Have a ton scheduled for today (all manageable) so will now enjoy the rest of my coffee and hit the day running (at 11 am lol)… No urges or thoughts of despair so starting off splendidly - have an amazing addiction free day my lovely sober friends… sending much love

[Starlight14]

I dont honestly know Jazz it just popped in my head, ive had a stressful couple of days n im not feeling too well to be honest…i have a horrible head cold and really tired so probably feeling daunted because i dont feel my usual upbeat self xx

[JazzyS]

Oh sweetheart - Hugs and healing comfort sent your way. I do hope that you are able to rest without guilt and get better soon.
I knew you were dealing with the ex in your life but just saw the post about summer holiday. Both of these are stirring up many emotions and when you already don’t feel well the addiction thoughts weasel their way in. Also you are getting closer to your 1 year mark and that in itself winds up the addiction brain.

You are a strong loving kick ass woman. I can see how much you love and care for your daughter and i’m sure she feels it too. You are doing the best you can and i think you are doing incredibly well! You should be proud!

I know it’s hard to be upbeat when our bodies are feeling ill. If you can - listen to some happy music or watch a comedy show or stand up comedy to get the HAPPY neurons fired up. Much love my beautiful friend - i do hope you are starting to feel better soon. We are just a click away if you just want to vent or talk or… whatever!

[Starlight14]

Thanks so much dear friend…you are absolutely right…i had a shock yesterday…my daughters dad rang me out of the blue…crying his eyes out…said hes been suicidal and that his mental health is really bad…hes been diagnosed bipolar…has not been working for months but has been telling me he was and that until he gets himself sorted out money wise he cant give me the maintenance he usually does for my daughter…i do struggle with money but i dont really care about that i do care that hes kept this from me and still been having our daughter when his mental health has taken such a turn…i feel bad for him but my main concern is for my daughter seeing him going forward…its really effed with my head xx

[Mischa84]

27 days sober and counting.

I bought some non alco beer today (still in the fridge). Im really not a fan of cola, fanta etc, not even fruit juices and I’m little bit bored with drinking water or coffee (tea mostly during cold seasons, I don’t like tea when is hot). I hope it won’t activate appetite for normal beer. I don’t think so. Except first days luckily I didn’t have any big cravings for alco.
During days I’m pretty busy with my kids and when they fall asleep I go for the run, after that I’m so physically tired but mentally relaxed I don’t even think about drinking (although my husband is drinking every evening so we have beer at home always).

I know I’m repeating myself but my success wouldn’t be possible without this community.
Love ya!
Happy Mischa

[JazzyS]

That is one hell of a shock. I too would be out of sorts with finding all of this out.
You are absolutely right to be prioritizing your daughters safety and well being.
I do hope he gets the help and support he needs - but you also need to make sure you take care of you.
I know you are working so hard on yourself for you and your daughter- it shows Kelly! You are doing an amazing job. Keep fighting friend…you are stronger than you think.

[Starlight14]

Anything to do with my daughter and her safety sends me into a tailspin…hes due to have her over night tomorrrow…i tried to say to him yesterday to take some time to get his head together and maybe miss tomorrrow with her until the following week but hes rang me today saying he still wants to have her as he misses her and she cheers him up, he sounded alot better today and has been ringing around to get help etc shes missing him aswell. Ive said she can go under the proviso that if he feels its too much for him even slightly then he rings me night or day n il go collect her …im just scared im doing the wrong thing xx

[Juli1]

I have loud voices again.
Hard to keep the mimeybag here.
Will leave in about 10 minutes.

[JazzyS]

That is a tough decision and totally understandable why you would be in a tailspin.

I do know a mothers gut is never wrong (i’m not a mother but i have witnessed this many a times). Above all else it is your daughters safety that matters. I understand that she misses her dad and of course she would brighten up his day but it you feel at all iffy then wait it out (that’s my two cents from a far - i don’t know the situation like you do). I do know that you will be by the phone and not sleep tomorrow night if she does go for the overnight stay.
I am glad to hear that he sounds better and is getting some help. Is it possible to do a day visit rather than an overnight one? Does he have someone in his life that can be present during the visit (sorta like a supervision?)

[Rob11]

Day 950,

Made another hike by myself. My son is 16 and has decided he doesn’t like the holiday that much. Would have liked it differently, but it is what it is he sleeps a lot and we still have nice moments.

My condition is mwa. The 2-3 months depressed on the couch didn’t do me very well in this respect. Maybe even since my therapy for PTST which is even longer ago. So it feels good to have been active and feel that I still have some muscles. Feeling less depressed here, but it’s not gone. My intake day is approaching, try to limit my thoughts on that.

[SelfLove_42]

Days PMO free: Day 6
Streak with at Least 7 hours sleep attempted: 2
Days with PS5 in the closet: 2
Days went to bed the same time with my wife: 2

Last night i put my son down, and of course my wife was about to get on the phone. I put my headphones in with my full ambient sound along with a hat over my eyes. I ended up getting registered 6 hours and 30 minutes, 79 grade which is Fair. I’m not discouraged as i was in bed 7hours 15 minutes. Just need to allow more time. I’ve blocked everything on my phone from 1030pm to 6am, which also helps with the other issues. In regards to changing the person i am on the inside, i’m working on that everyday, a little less selfish, honoring my wife every single day. Consistency is always my issue. All you can do is just keep swimming…

[JazzyS]

You got this Jules - those voices are just jealous of all your strength.

Hope you go and have a wonderful time at yoga and come home relaxed and sober!

[SelfLove_42]

Very well said. Everything is fleeting if i can just let things pass. My issue is putting myself in harms way where there are so many synaptic systems all firing together based on history that i just fall again. It’s like an alcoholic sitting at the bar trying not to drink, you put yourself in harms way, you will fall. It’s the same with me being on social media or youtube in a bathroom or all alone. It’s no good for me. I have blocks and safeguards in place but its not great when i’m also the gatekeeper. Trying to keep everything together is rough some times. I’ve brought this up to my wife enough in my marriage, i can’t do it anymore. So i come on here, i speak my truth, if i need to go further i hit up my sponsors, in my case my sister and a close friend.

[Starlight14]

No not really, i honestly dont think he would ever hurt her im just worrying so much, at the end of the day shes his daughter too and when i was in a state with the drinking he had her for me until i got myself sorted out… xx

[zzz]

Day

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Sugar / Sweets Day 2
Allowed slips /per week used 1/3

[Juli1]

How are you today @DryIn785?!

[Mira_D]

Its way too good. part of my journey is learning to love to gnarly too! And if the cat gets outside and you have to stand there shouting its name…I mean…thats pretty frickin good

[Mira_D]

And remembering that you’ll hit the mark somedays, but miss tbe mark others…and thats okay.

I remember reading a study once that talked about alcoholism in conjunction/next to other chronic disorders like people with diabetes and heart disease, and it talked about how there is a real stigma for people falling off the wagon (shame, what did yoh do wrong, etc.), but that when comparing abstaining from alcohol with other chronic disorders actually they all fell within the same range of people sticki f consistently to the treatment they needed. It was all within the range of 30% (I am literally paraphrasing here sometning I read when in my 1st yr PHD and that was YEARS ago, but I was taking an addictions specialization and this was one of the studies). It REALLH changed my perception around the idea of relapses or drinking again being part of peoples journeys (not that thats what Im suggesting here!), but it just changed the way I thought of myself along side of people with other chronic disorders.

And then recently I have been doing courses for parenting, and somewhere in the course it mentions that even parents who get it “right” (they mean by employing certain strategies, etc), that they only get it right about 30% of the time. And it was like I let out a breath of air…wow. what a concept? So doing okay doesnt mean I havr to fire near 100% all days? And when Im off that is okay too? Anyway Im not sure if these thoughts are helpful at all, but I just wanted to share them bc reading that recently about parenting (and I carry a lot of guilt especially on days where I am not as patient, or dont feel like I handle situations in tbe best possible way for my children) reminded me also about that study about chronic conditions.

So we dont have to be perfect. Consistency at all times isnt always possible. That is life. Like a heart beat that is living it goes up and down. A flat line means there is no life, and I think when I expect I can operate at a certain level at all times I am robbing myself…of that self love, of acceptance of self, of being jn the moment and even just letting myself be human around others.

Sounds like you are working on so many things & hope in there you are feeling proud of yourself on tbe good & even the hard days. Im sure working on that too!

Xo.

[SelfLove_42]

I appreciate you taking the time to write that. Progress over perfection, yes indeed. I put alot of pressure on myself because i dont want to lose it all. I have a buddy who, literally today, is headed for a divorce proceeding. I have alot to lose and i just dont want to continue to be stupid, which i have been for some time. One thing you mentioned about parenting, your absolutely right, we dont always hit the mark, 30% sounds right. What’s funny about me: I think my wife is right about 97.5% of the time. She’s smarter than me in the areas that matter most, common sense, parenting, she’s ultra patient. I’m the one that has to calm down, take a walk, dont overreact, etc. I just do the best i can, but i’ve learned that if i can do better if i just do a better job at listening to her. I try to be very analytical about my life which at times leads to being self absorbed/selfish behavior. Definitely appreciate everything you mentioned, sorry i get off on tangents.

[Mira_D]

Hello all wanted to come to check in.

Yesterday was very emotional, and today I did more crying. That is not something I have experienced in a while, and I am sitting with the emotion letting the tears come and allowing myself to think/feel, and I have not had the thpught to drink or that automatic response (where it feels like just a switch in my body).

We are invited to a family gathering tonight, and I had this incling in me that I didnt want to go to be around alcohol. While I dont mind asking my husband not to have it in the house, I dont feel comfortable asking a whole group not to drink (they are my in-laws), and I am comfortable to stay home while hubby takes the kids. I talked to him about it, and let myself see how I felt as the day wrnt on and this just feels right for me. When I first got sober at 20 i did it while living with someone who drank, but Im not there and where I am today is SO different and that is okay! I want to be safe and feel very good about not drinking, and I want to listen to myself and understand my limitations.

We are going upnorth with a family member who is visiting from across the pond, and I will not ask him/hubby not to drink. It will be for 2 or 3 days, and I will prepare myself for that they will just get what they would like each day/dispose of the rest. I will maybe make a little thread on here for support.

I have also spoken to my doc about add/adhd (she did nention that with the extreme stress/trauma, the results may not be the best now…but that this doesnt mean I cant still have this to be assessed later and even look in to the CBT exercises that could help…I would think I am very high functioning, as I do not have several challenges that would make life unmanageable for people with add/adhd due to my hyperfocus…anyway…) and even psychopharm for alcohol use. I know that would not be for everyone, and Im not here to suggest it for anyone, but I have a lot of trauma right now and still to come and until the trial I think I wouldfeel more comfoetable with a little safety net. When I got sober 16 yrs ago I dont think these were as common (or perhaps in my world of AA not discussed openly and I do know there were some loud members who were against pharmacology even for other disorders…which I know is not right, and also not everyone was like that at all. Most people were very respectful of others “outside issues” I found, but anyway didnt hear much about pharm help for alcohol), but I am open to anything and everything that could help me to achieve my goal, to remain safe and alcohol free. I know I am not afraid of doing the emotional/therapeutic work, I am trying to fit in exercise, reach back to old hobbies I havent done in A LONG TIME (I bought a PUZZLE i havent done a puzzle since I was 12! And I set up a sketch pad on our desk upstairs for me to draw. I am a big knitter in winter months, and when I have a sewing machine and love to make/tailor clothes and things for the kids), doing the trauma based therapy (which I know has to go slow) and trying to do things to help witj this aspect of my life too. I need to not dive in to anything in an all or nothing way right now, except just for today not drinking. Trying out things along my journey that I know helped me grately in the past (the 12 steps, trauma specific therapy, etc), and even being open to things I have not tried before. I mean if someone told me I had to put on 14 layers of clothes, stand on my head and sing the alphabet backwards to get that joyous non-drinking heart & soul I would give it a whirl

I am tired a bit from the emotion, but I now have a few evening hours to myself. I have so many things I want to do, i have to sit and quiet my brain and choose one thing at a time. I find typing on this app, even though I love the whole sharing thing I just find that when I put down my phone i feel a bit weird. I dont have social media and try not to spend too much time on my phone so maybe yhats it! Darn Blue Light lol.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambles and if I am too long worded for you please breeze right on past. People who dont know me think i am very quiet and reserved, but those who know me and know me well know I cannot say shit quickly and I have to FOCUS to get to the GD point. How I ended up in a PHD program makes me chuckle a bit!

Have another 24 - whether it be good bad or ugly, hang in everyone. You all mean one heck of a lot to this lady over here.

Xo.