Wow day 13. I havent been watching the days, as Im just trying to focus on today. How many days no drinking? Just today.
Im fwwling a bit low and irritated. This time of tbe month is really an asshole for us ladies, and for me I always hit a dip the week before or around it. Its frustrating, but I think I need to start teacking it and start embracing it. The sensitivity, need to rest, feeling tired and more irritable. Hard thoughts in my head. My family stuff is a big pain for me, I have been largely cut out of part of my family becUze i was honest. I think that is a good thing, as being on the outside was something it has been for a long time and ypu dont want to be at a table you arent welcome at. But it still really hurts, as much as I would like to say “its fine” it hurts. But I do not need to explain myself, I do not need to beg forgiveness to anyone who wont have a conversation with me. Opening up dialogue is really hard. Addressing things can be really hard. And sometimes doing tbat means certain people dont want to be around you amymore, or around you even less. Some people are really sick, and manipulative and play the victim and they will make you be the villian. I feel like all I can do is pray for them, because I cannot do anything else. My sister was not treated well, my nephew has been treated as something to deal with only as far as it isnt too convienient and neglected completely by others. I know where I stand, I know what I have done and I am also not unwilling to apologize for things said in anger, or tp have a conversation. But I am not worth that to some people, and I havent been and am just coming to see that now. I have to let go and it is very hard and I am sad about it; i am sad that my sister can see from her place up there with my daughter, all that is happening in her family and seeing after her death how people have dishonored her memory and her son. It makes me really sick to my stomach, and I cannot forgive anypne for her or for my nephew and I think that is where my boundary came up. In a way, my love and loyalty to them gave me the courage Ihad not had before to address these issues - the ongoing payrerns of the past because they are happening right now. I am just so tired of it. Pray for me on this one. I seriously never thought of letting family go, and felt like being grown up meant just accepting people for who they are;live and let live. But not when its so unstable, when its so excluding and unhealthy. Its not that there were not good times! Of course there were, but there was a lot of bad times too. Things my sister never deserved, and Im just a bit done here.
Im also just maybe feeling pressure of being away and wanting to MAKE THE MOST OF IT with my kids. Having these thoughts about how they are growing so fast. I squish and kiss and hug my kids as much as they allow, and just cannot imagine them growing up and noy being able to do that anymore! I am terrified of my daughter hating me during her teen years. I am terrified of makjg mistakes I cannot even see.
I am driving from here to get my nephew for the week; have to have a visit from child services and we’re due back in family court in September and nothing has changed. Their position is that they will help us, if we give them to him indefinitly and then it cannot be reversed. In that case he will end up in foster care, which is not only not appropriate for a child with his needs, he will end up being bounced from house to house and we have no say where he goes or how often we can see him. Or we maintain custody and have to go it alone. That is literally it, and they are just waiting for us to make a decision. We arw setting up to go to the media and involve other lawyers, because we cannot do it alone - we cannot even get him in to appropriate swrvices withput the support of child services (a catch 22 as they wont help us unless he becomes their permanent ward), but yet if we gave them to him they would go witj the cheapest option for them (foster care). My head is spinning. I am tired.
I am on the dock. My husband took the kids to give me a minute. Maybe I will cry, meditate and go for a kayak ride. Just want to breath here. Just breath amd enjoy my days with my kids. I am just so tired of fighting, and a bit exhaustsd too from people asking me to just trust or to let go…if I do not stand for my nephew he will go into the system indefinitly, and I will have to wat h that powerlessly. If I do not stand for my sister, here the only way for the family to be involved is to read their victim impact statement, then I am just a righteous person choosing to do nothing. Tired and saf and just wanted to let it out. I am not saying I can change the outcome or make anything change, I am just saying some fights you have to give it your all…because the people you love are worth it. Xo. Thanks for letti g me just dump this here.
Just want to stay sober today. Xoxxo.
thx friend
choosing safe ‘runs’ when time is right like know your limits play within it 
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