Last night I had my first bout of alchohol cravings in months. My husband went out with mates and he was gone for a long while and all I could think of was going there to join them, get a few beers in me. I felt like I was missing out or something. I was also thinking about finding a late-night shop to go get a bottle of wine. I was so uncomfortable with myself and my surroundings and the thought of travelling back on Wednesday that I wanted a reprieve. An escape. I wanted to push that self-destruct button and forget everything.
But I didn’t. I distracted myself with work and chores. I did stay up late and woke up late. I am a bit depressed. I’m not ok. Not in the slightest. But I’m sober. And that’s enough.
Days PMO free: Day 11
Days with PS5 in the closet to close the day: 19
Days went to bed the same time with my wife: 19
Great week, surrounded by family and friends. Integrity, selfless behavior, and good time management also this weekend(THE RARE TRIFECTA FOR ME). Not sure if i’ve had all 3 of those things over the course of a weekend but i’ll take it. It’s not just about keeping my safeguards up, (which is critically important for being sober). I see that i’m committed to doing the daily work and that’s encouraging. No compromising, not one look, not one wandering thought…completely safeguarding my mind. I got up this morning and i just feel so grateful. I’m so grateful this morning. Had my nephews and nieces together last night, with my mother, sister, mother-in-law and wife all having a good time. Just looking at all of that, despite the ups/downs that everyone has, i’m so thankful and blessed. It’s also a reminder:
“You dont need to lose it to know that you had it good.” - John Mayer.
Just remember how fortunate i am to be where i am, despite my self sabotage tendences, i’m still standing, i’m still here. And i’m still battling every day.
My gaming addiction: I’m not cured, but i’ve kept the playstation in the closet for all of 2 hours in the past 2 weeks. I haven’t done anything close to this level of control in my entire life and i’m 42 years old.
My goal: Plan my days, watch out for my “default settings” trying to dominate me, focus on how i spend my time, eat plenty of protein a day (180g my goal) swim 3 times this week(M/W/F) Weight train 3 days (simple circuit training, dont go crazy) Read my bible daily at least 1 chapter with meditation.
My kind of day – especially on a Sunday. Glad to see you here with us checking in @zzz Congrats on your 30 days – grateful that the journey has not been to difficult for you. Keep doing what you are doing! @sabrina80 ooh – I hate getting sucked into the online hole especially at bed time. Sending you energy to deal with today. Hoping it’s a quick Monday! @mrsodh Yeah – first day of school – hope you are having a wonderful day. Looked fabulous as always. @juli1 So great to see you Jules – here is to a wonderful sober day! Happy Monday!! @scorpn my goodness that sounds stressful. I do hope you were able to get some rest and wake up refreshed. Hopefully some days off in your near future also. @brian1965uk WOW – well done on your 9 months my friend – that is absolutely amazing. Keep up the great work! @just_laura my goodness the weekend sounds insane. Grateful that you do have a good friend at work. I do hope things get easier for you with your new manage. I have not noticed the music but that does sound lovely. @rainy7 LOVE IT! So amazing how we do really change our moods from hour to hour – just keep that in mind when the urges or FOMO hits cause you know the feeling will pass. Glad you had a wonderful time out @starlight14 Love the number and seeing your girls beautiful face! Have a wonderful day my friend
@sobermedic I totally understand this feeling – I get them once in a blue moon out of the blue – glad that we don’t give it time to fester and are able to brush them off. Well done on your 79 days
I love this Mulan- good for you! Love that you are opening up and setting yourself free. Thank you for being a part of this community and on this journey with us. Wishing you loads of love and comfort! @mira_d I am glad to hear that the ouchie is gone. Love the concept of always being able to do it differently the next day. I am dealing with multiple things and still trying to figure out what most of them are (some testing scheduled in the next couple of months) the main issues are a constant headache, pain all over, excessive swelling and itching and CF. some days are easier than others. Lovely that you were able to wake up and enjoy some peace and quiet – hope that coffee tasted extra good!
Oh love – I am sorry! What an awful sensation – glad that you did not give in and yes just being sober is enough but I do want you to feel ok (actually better than ok). Big hugs Amy – I do hope you are able to talk these feelings out irl or here so that you don’t give them ammunition. Much love my friend. @CueBall8n9 how is the new job treating you?
Checking in on Monday morning…
a bit of a rough morning but the coffee is helping with the waking up part at least. I am going to do my best to get ready and spend a chill afternoon with my cousins today. i do hope it doesn’t get too hot outside as i really can’t handle that - one moment at a time. I am wishing you all a wonderful positively charged addiction free day - sending much love!
I think all this are good things. Giving it a try. And I think I already wrote it several times. I love love love my womens Kreuzbund meeting once a month. I need to go by train 1h but I will keep going.
I wanted to just reach out and hug you, because that family stuff all sounds very toxic. It can be hard lovinf people who do not know how to love or love in a harmful way and way that hurts you. I have been on a lifelong journey with my own family and issues of dysfunction (and me thinking it was all sooooo normal), and even now at 36 I am going through another upheaval and the whole of my dads side of family will not speak to me. Truth be told, we were a limited family in quotation marks and my sister was treated very badly by them - after she died and watching her death be used and mistreatment of her son, I did not hold back my words or engage in my usual “acceptance” of other and quiet boundaries. My parents are separated, and I have had these talks with my mom (we have been FAMILY and we speak a lot more, and it was difficult but these talks have been ongoing), but I had never spoken to my dad about anything before - never. I was only prepared to address things with him, and it was a big deal and someone within the family wrnt through his phone and read his messages and now I have been cut out. I know a part of me is sad, but a part of me feels this was a long time in tbe making and I do not want people in my lofe who are not healthy, who I cannot trust and who I do not trust to not hurt mg children or my nephew (part of the issue I brought up).
Anyway, i did not mean to make this about me but I remember what it was like to be 21 and loving my family despite how much they hurt me. I never imagined saying goodbye to any of them (though after sharing stories with others in private sober/therapeutic spaces, it has come up that perhaps it would be best). My mom and dad both came to my daughters birthday and stayed the weekend, and there may be a lot of problems there BUT they both love me. They both were willing to hear me out and hear out my pain in how growing up effected me (were the convos always smooth…no, but they are human too), and I can see how they both are trying. The rest of my “family” from my dads side cut me out just like that (and my messages to my dad were just me recollecting instances of issues or talking about current issues around my nephew, no name calling or being vile…I mean I would have worded it differently if I knew it was going to be a family news bulletin, but I know no matter how I worded it addressing the wrong of this other person or persons was never acceptable. They are never wrong and never apologize, and my sister and myself have been stonewalled out of the family several times…one time simply because she got pregnant…at the age of like 26…it was terrible and horrible, and she never got over the pain of beinf abandoned by her family and so deeply jusged during a time she was so happy to become a mom…)
You should not have to apologize to anyone. You are being made to be shamed and tbe black sheep. You should not be in your uncles presence at all, and the fact thar you are is harminf you and your trust of what is supposed to be your family. Im sorry that I rambled. Xo.
Checking in on day 1. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here.
Getting through the day sober won’t be a problem, but getting through the hangover feels impossible. I had a major binge last night, and I am so, so, sick today. Currently running on three hours sleep because I was up all night with extreme anxiety. Now I have started puking.
I can’t keep doing this to myself. I won’t keep doing this to myself.
Please stay on topic…checking in. The back and forth is not for here, take it to a PM. The forum is experiencing some issues or the off topic back and forth would be moved to derailment. Once the issues are remedied, we will move out the off topic discussion. Please do your part in keeping the thread on topic. Thanks!!
Morning Check In Day 547
Good morning TS!!! Hows everyone today?
This morning has been good Went for an early workout and then relaxed watching Minecraft videos with my son. Just about to get this day going now. Its going to be a scorcher out there today so we are going to stay inside. Basically my day consists of cleaning, working on my DBT book, and relaxing with my boy. Hope everyone has a great day!
I had a great day at work.
My boss did a quick visit but she didn’t even talked to me.
I’m supposed to have a key so I can close the pre-school house every Monday as scheduled. My boss haven’t fixed any key,or papers needed to get one.
Also me and one of my colleagues who has been there for over a year, but also only have a contract until Christmas, asked my boss if we’re going to stay for next semester too. Because this group works so well together and it’ll get us a chance to plan better and create a working routine already. My boss simply said “Well,your all employeed by the city,as preschool teachers, which means that you can be placed wherever there’s a need. None of you are tied to a specific workplace” which means that it doesn’t matter if you have a permanent employment or is hired per hour as I am. Not sure she’s allowed to do that,but she is doing it anyway.
My colleagues told be before I left that they had a great day with me there. And that I fit if perfectly in the group, both with my colleagues and the kids. And that they’re looking forward to have me there.
The also said that they knew it was going to be a hit. And that they wished for me to come there and work with them when my boss asked about who they wanted.
But in the end it was still between me and another girl who Actually have what we call a permanent employment.
So glad that I got it. I’ve also already said yes to work a few extra days at that place, despite my plan of working only two days a week. Finally it feels good and fun to go to work again. It feels like I’m faking working under this conditions, this schedule and in this extremely positive and uplifting environment with so many amazing and helpful people.
That’s all for today. Hope y’all had a great Monday.
Day 3*
Received a message from my boss’s boss today thanking me for my leadership and hard work on growing my team. It felt good to be acknowledged when everything has been so intense there lately.
Put myself on a couple of wait lists for psych help and feel anxious about starting this process again. I’ve had a hard time staying in the moment lately. Slow and steady.
Day 19. My time is starting to stack thankfully. I’ll see 3 weeks soon. There would have been a time where that would have been impossible. I learned a lot during my last attempt that is carrying me through these early days. I have times where a couple of beers would go down very nicely. But I click forward 12 hours and think about how I would feel, how I felt in the past. The Anxiety the need to be alone and just sink a few cans to feel normal again. I will count my time in months soon.
Can I just quickly reach out to those on day 1’s and 2’s? This too will pass. Give it a couple of days, hydrate and try get some exercise. I’ve been there many times and only 19 days ago…
Morning Check In 
Went for an early workout and then relaxed watching Minecraft videos with my son. Just about to get this day going now. Its going to be a scorcher out there today 
so we are going to stay inside. Basically my day consists of cleaning, working on my DBT book, and relaxing with my boy. Hope everyone has a great day!