Thanks for the support guys, il be ok im made of tough stuff especially now im sober infact had i been drinking id have probably just gone in all guns blazing a made things twice as bad so im grateful for that. Its great that i can come here to vent and get such amazing support. Thanks to everyone 
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Ahwwww
… That big batch of love is what I realy wish for… I feel its reaching me deep inside. Thank you so much @RosaCanDo and Billy 
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Day 519
Found out what was going on with the cravings descending on me so quickly; I was doing well. It’s a hurdle I forget I’ll always have to cross. The sudden urge to self-destruct and and throw away the goodness to relent into being a “piece of trash” (referring to my long- held self perception, not that addicts are trash obviously) as i can so much easier navigate that than lifting and holding myself up constantly.
I guess it’s a tale old as time and a constant struggle with a lot of addicts, I would venture to assume.
I kept doing the things and not stopping, to spite that part of myself, and now I’m fine and haven’t had those cravings since the evening of when i posted that.
It’s been pretty good overall though, trying to keep myself busy, with kids, schedules, fitness, art and piano. I’m happy to keep doing my things and despite still having a lot of unknowns to figure out in the next 18 months, I’m happy here where I’m at bc I’m not scaring my family plus have their trust and respect. I think that’s pretty cool
Anyways have a great day all, it’s the weekend finally!
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MyFitnessPal helped me several times. It’s free. There are paid options, but I never found it necessary. You can set a goal weight, and it will calculate how many calories you need. You add your food into a “diary” to keep track. There’s a community with tons of different topics and helpful advice.
My biggest advice- be patient and stay consistent. Weight didn’t go on over night, it won’t come off overnight either. Best to make small sustainable changes, stay consistent with those changes, and the reward will follow. Best of luck to you!!
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Day 101. Good morning fam, how is everyone today. Im a little annoyed with myself because i notice i am sleeping a lot, and i mean a lot. Like i went to bed at like 730 8 last night and woke up at 1 o’clock today, and its been the last couple days too, it would be ok if it was just once but its been happening like everyday and I don’t like that at all. Idk why i am sleeping like that but hopefully we can get it under control and back to a normal sleeping schedule. Im guessing part of it must be stress or something idk but much love, other than that I’m doing good, one of my buddies wants to do a tattoo and I’m going to be honest i don’t really want to do it. Im probably not going to do it either. Idk much love everyone ttyl
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Had my little sister’s baby shower this morning (looking stylish on my knee scooter, everyone said i looked great lol yeah right! :P). Glad i made it, cuz yesterday i had a fairly serious meltdown/anxiety attack that continued when i woke up this morn.
My aunt who i was sitting with at the table was enjoying a glass of red and was like, “Wait you’re not drinking!? Who even are you!?” And i was just like, “Well, i did break my ankle last time i drank, so I’m drying out, that’s it…” She’s all, “oh do you think there’s a correlation?” And I’m just like, “I’m an alcoholic. Yes, there is.” And started crying again, ughhhh. Luckily everyone else had gotten up to get food at that point, heh. Anyway, just rambling, but i needed to tell someone my malaise wasn’t just based on having to be dependent on others for awhile (a huge deal for me) but also the emotions that come with early sobriety…
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I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much. You’ve been straining that brain all week at school! I know when I have very complex projects at work where I’m thinking hard all day, I am absolutely exhausted and need to sleep more.
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38,74 hours
Hi, I am back at home and clean.
Will cook dinner now.
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Checking in.
It was great day till around 2 hours ago when my head started exploding. It hurts so bad I puked. It happens to me sometimes, I always thought it’s from alco but I guess it’s not the case. Maybe migraines… idk. My h is out fishing and actually I’m glad cause usually he wants to help but he’s just annoying with his constant questions: but why you have headache? But where exactly? But why you think it hurts? Strong?.. I just need silence and darkness and luckily I have both now cause kids are sleeping. Unfortunately this kind of pain is not responding to painkillers, at least the basic ones I use.
I will try to sleep and hope tomorrow I will wake up all good.
It was good day anyway 
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Checking in 813 days of continuous sobriety. I need to wake up early tomorrow morning to catch an early flight back home. Today was a really decent day, and I went for a marvelous run through a historic parkland and had a big fat scoop of stracciatella ice cream. Now I need to try to get some sleep as tomorrow will be a long day of travel. Wishing everyone peace.
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Oh no, that sounds like a migraine. I have an aura first so get a warning to take pills. Really rough if you don’t get that warning. When I was a child they would come on at night and I would wake with the headache and throwing up. Sending lots of sympathy, feel better soon.
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Yikes. I hope you get a good night’s rest and feel better tomorrow!
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Checking in, 38 minutes short of 60 days 
Had such a lovely day, my daughter’s football match (6-0), then lunch with my sister, a nap, gym and time with the family. I am feeling very lucky at the moment. I am so excited about the new baby. My sister seemed confident that baby isn’t ready to come but it will be within the week if she follows me and my Mum. She looks amazing! She is 12 years older than I was when I had my first and still going for dog walks and has none of the water weight I did. I am so proud of her and hope it bodes well for labour. Hard not to worry about her but she will hopefully be awesome.
Hope everyone has a lovely evening. My boy turns 14 tomorrow so it is wrapping and Match of the Day for us!
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@Juli1 I’ve been quietly following your recent posts as I relapsed last weekend for 2 days straight, your doing really great, and should be extremely proud, being in a job you hate and is toxic massively affects your life, I too was in one for 8 years, my alcohol and drug use went through the roof then, so I took the risk and left, that was 10 years ago and I love my job now, my alcohol and substance use really calmed down after that but my sister passed away 3 years ago with cancer aged 44 and it completely destroyed me and I went straight back down the rabbit hole of destruction, she would hate that I was back there, one of my many reasons for staying sober and I wish you all the best in your recovery and your braver than you think for taking that step away from the job
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Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear you’re not well. This like @JennyH said sounds like a migraine to me.I have an aura before as well and if I take my medication asap than I can fight it and feel better after a 2 hours or so rest. Hope you’re having a good night’s rest and get well soon.
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This is so hard to read. I am so sorry for loss. Life can be so hard at times, and 44 is just so young. Thank you for sharing 
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Thank you Jenny, I appreciate that, it is young and hurts like hell, I’m slowly realising now I shouldn’t be wasting life drinking and drugging, I should be living it clear and happy 
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TW for suicide day 549 of no self harm
I had to talk a friend out of suicide. I’ve lost so many friends to this and the thought of losing another makes me panic. it was over text so I was able to pretend I was calm and I did calm them down. I also made them promise they won’t do anything and if they do ever get to that point they promised to call or text. I know I can’t exactly rely on that promise but it’s something. I was going to call the cops but they calmed down by the time I found where I wrote down their address. I have it saved for the future. if there’s a next time they talk like this I’m calling right away. I’d rather lose a friend because they hate me than lose them to suicide. it sound selfish but I’ve had so many friends die like that and I only have 2 friends in my life. I don’t think I could handle it. I had a 30 minute long panic attack while trying to calm them down. I’m better now but still really shaky.
I’ve also been really really bad about my eating for several months now to the point that the last 2 days sitting up makes me dizzy. so that really did not help me feel better physically. my stomach has shrunk so much that I have to physically force myself to eat even small portions because I get so uncomfortably full and a little nauseous. it doesn’t even feel like I’m intentionally starving myself I just don’t have any appetite anymore. I feel like this should concern me but it just doesn’t
update: started to feel okay and then the same friend text me still slightly upset but they were okay. but now getting a text from them sends me nearly into a panic attack
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Thank you so much for your understanding regarding the job topic. Sometimes I feel weak with all the relapses but I don’t stop wanting sobriety. I am so sorry for your loss… Hope you can get back with me on that sober horse.
Sending love
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Admitting you have a problem brings out all kinds of feelings. But often it feels liberating to be open. I hope you can get support from your family in the future if they know. 
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