Day one is behind me now, and I have updated the sober date on my profile.
Up late, but I slept a few hours in the morning and a few more hours in the evening. I’m not working at the moment, so a weird sleep schedule is not much of a problem (other than feeling kind of jet-lagged).
I was kind of horrified in the morning to think of the shocking things I nearly told one of my brothers the night before (by email, under the influence), e.g., that I was considering getting a legal separation from our family.
There is nothing wrong with our family that would make such an action or even just such an announcement understandable. But there certainly is something wrong with me. Luckily I did not send or even start writing such an email. Nor did I post any nasty, regrettable things on FB.
Today was nice. Day off. Did some laundry. Went to my parents for spaghetti dinner (my daughters favorite). We all called my aunt (dads sis) to wish her a happy 80th birthday. My dad’s 78th is tomorrow. It’s crazy. My parents were older when they had us. I’m grateful to have been raised by responsible, established adults. I’m grateful my father is 3.5 years sober and my mother has always been healthy so I may have them longer. I appreciate them more and more the older I get. We were never the ‘hug all the time’, ‘say I love you’ type of family. Now sober, I feel I need to be closer to them. I wasted so much time staying away being selfish. They were always there for my fuck ups. They deserved a better daughter.
Now I’ve shed some tears writing that. It’s a rare occurrence for me. I don’t mind though. I’ve learned how to sit with uncomfortable feelings instead of wanting them gone. That’s what you gotta do.
Anyway. Thank you to all who read my story and give me love Goodnight
Day 54. Found a new barbers yesterday , really decent haircut, and as i work from home i can get it done mid week rather than sit and queue on a Saturday.
Drinking lemonade in the evenings. Still on a bit of a go slow this week. I need some time off, holiday last two weeks of September and i can’t wait. Will need to communicate with people we are going with that i am not drinking beforehand so its not a conversation when we are there
Checking in on day 797. I’m absolutely miles behind on this thread. Our train yesterday was cancelled and it was quite the headache to make the connections but finally made it to our destination. Vacations can be so exhausting!
@JazzyS thank you so much. Your support means so much it makes me cry ( emotional mess at the moment). I wish I was better at techhy stuff as I see people paste segments of conversations and comment etc. But knowing you are all here is all I need right now. My strongest anchor.
Thank you all for your kind words, and coping tips. I am forever grateful for the support I get here. I’m sorry I’ve been quiet, it’s the nature of the beast with anxiety. I tend to turn in on myself and clam up when it gets very bad. I know it’s the worst thing to do, because you don’t get the help you need from communication with others. Thank you all
Things haven’t been going very well. I feel like a train wreck, so far removed from my usual positive self. Anxiety has been so extreme that the tiniest things have been tipping me over the edge. Bursting into tears randomly because I feel like I can’t cope with anymore stress. It takes so long to see a doctor in this country, it’s a farce. I got to see my doctor yesterday, but the damage had already been done. The night before I drank 2 cans of cider my brother left in our fridge. So it wasn’t much, but it’s enough that I have to reset. I don’t want alcohol in my body, I just want anxiety out of it. That’s the stupid thing about it, I don’t even want alcohol at all. It’s a previously learned behaviour that alcohol will solve my problems. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is pathetic right now, and it makes me angry with myself.
The only positives to take away from my situation now is that this evening will be my # day 2 completed, I’m now on antidepressants and anti anxiety pills. The doctor is setting me up with counselling for grief disorder and CBT to help me manage stress. I’m happier I am on something to help with anxiety, but the doctor said it may take a few months to see a real benefit. That scares me a little, I need my anxiety levels down NOW. I need that so I can stay on my sober journey, which is something I want badly for myself.
I am going to start checking in again properly, I’ve just been afraid to talk. I’d depress anyone that asks about my situation. Thanks again to you all xx
Ohh Binx im sorry u are having such a shitty time, i hope the meds work out for u i know they helped me, sending massive hugs and love to u lady, im always here too if u need me
Day 6*
Made a plan with a sober friend to pick me up from the wedding this weekend for some added accountability. I’ll be able to celebrate with the married couple for a good 3 hrs and leave before anything gets too rowdy.
I’m happy meds have worked out for you, it’s absolutely crippling, isn’t it?
I haven’t driven my car since my attack. I’m afraid of that problem getting bigger. I’ll give it another day or two on this medication and I’ll get back in the car, even for a short journey. The kids will be back to school on the 30th, so I need to sort myself.
How are you getting on with your daughter? Is she looking forward to going back to school? I know my two are!
Had a vivid user dream, one I went in to several times after snapping out off it. Somehow I wanted to use, since I knew it was just a dream. It’s the only place I can still use. Weird stuff those dreams.
Looking forward to the weekend already. Did some tests in the treatment center. I did them already during another treatment in 2016. Here they use it as a neuropsychological test, back then as an iq test. Don’t expect much there again, but then it can be ruled out. Although some problems might still be the result of it as I see/feel it.
No you wouldn’t. We’d all be glad to see you checking in here daily, making yourself accountable and visible, being part of this forum and group of good folks who share their stuff with each other, the good, the bad and the ugly. We’re in this together Binx and don’t you forget it. X
Goodnight
