Day 63 . Having alot of reflections. Of sitting up late, drunk after a bottle of wine, drinking more, till i can’t tell the difference between being awake or asleep… then the sense of panic in the morning being unable to separate dreams from reality.
That shit isn’t for me. Jesus its scary
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1540
Friday was good even as I got an unexpected hour of rain biking to group therapy. And got there rather wet. The session was still good, I got to share, got to experience the power of the group, got to explore feelings and emotions and sensations in my body as well as in my mind.
On my way home I had some excellent Turkish fast food in the ugliest little fast food restaurant on maybe the ugliest square in Utrecht. Reminiscencant of Eastern Europe in the eighties. Back in my home town I had this beautiful view of the river with the student’s rowing club having a bbq on the other side. Both Utrecht and Amsterdam are overflowing with new students as the academic year is beginning. Hoping against hope for less incidents with students who drink and drug too much, often as a result of social pressure.
Luna is eating so that’s great news. Changed her chow and exchanged the steel bowl she’s been eating from for 18 years for a plate. Not sure what worked but it did. Very happy for that.
Today I have one late shift to work, followed by three days off. That’s the kind of schedule I like. Have as good a days as you all can friends. Sober and clean. Love.
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I’m here I’m alive and I’m sober.
Day 13
My Mother called yesterday evening again, and talked for her usually 2 hours. Constantly drinking, she spilled wine twice when we where talking, and eventually stumbled over the cat.
She doesn’t even have today off, but working the evening shift and starts at 14.00.
Usually she only drinks on days off. But not this time.
I’m not really worried, she’s always been a heavy drinker. And as I’ve said before I don’t have the heart to hang up on her, or to tell her not to call. She’s toxic, but I also know that she’s alone. So I’ll let it be, at least for now.
I also realized something yesterday, I don’t really want to to this at the moment. I know I have to, and I’m going to do it. But I miss my Friday Champagne. I miss it a lot. Don’t miss loosing control, or being hungover the next day. But I do miss the feeling of not having a care in the world, responsibility or thoughts.
Same feeling I’ve been chasing almost my entire life, with drugs and alcohol.
Besides that my husband is getting better day by day. Yesterday he was up from his bed for a while,and had some food that wasn’t a liquid.
Today he is half sitting in the sofa.
Wishing you a Great weekend.
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I get that, especially with the life you’re living. I am sure there are other ways for you to experience that instead of drinking or drugging. For me being immersed in nature is one way. I feel you should look for yours. As well as, maybe, possibly, learning to feel just a tiny little bit less responsible for all the folks and all that’s happening around you.
Champagne was your way to have some you time. Without alcohol or drugs you still need that time for yourself. Like we all do. It is doable. You made the time to drink. Now make time for yourself sober. x
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I feel like you could achieve this with walking, running or some other type of sustained exercise. Meditation. A 20 minute walk can get you to a space in your head where you just have everything flowing, good stuff, the bad stuff replaced by a good feeling for you.
I know your schedule is full but you do need some time for you. And in that time have a time where you are able to escape in a healthy way. Walking should accomplish it. Running. Meditation.
Big hugs. And big congrats on your sobriety and talking about what you miss.
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Or even swimming 
@MrsOdh
I know the feeling of wanting to step out of the world. Change. Flow. Beside of swimming and working out, walking, I figured out that different (extrem) temperatures are helping me. Like Sauna, Hammam, steam bath or cold showers and ice bathing (I am only at the beginners but it’s a challenge to go on this autumn/winter).
Big hug and have fun trying something out 
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Hey all, checking in on day 1168. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Day 84 and my daughter wants to go shopping with me to buy a birthday gift for a friend. Then it’s pizza night which has become a tradition for us. As I make the pizzas I always have the radio on with the funk and soul show in the background.
@MrsOdh I would really struggle with being on the phone for two hours with my drunk mum. In fact, if she calls after 7pm I don’t answer because I know she won’t even remember calling anyway. I have a pre arrangement to speak to both my parents twice a week at 4pm, before they start drinking. I don’t have any advice for you but I do know that it’s an awkward situation you are in.
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Dancing to your favorite music. I don’t know if the boogeyman is down in the basement or what but if you can safely get down there Without getting hurt, Or being too scared you could have “Sophie’s Dance Studio” down there! Plug-in and chill out! Big hugs and lots of love. You’re doing great.
This was an idea because I know you’re getting ready to have your short time of light outside.
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I believe @Dazercat used cold showers a lot. Possibly more to keep himself from caving when he had craves than to have meaningful alone time. ( not sure )
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Checking in on day 806 for alcohol, and yesterday I clicked over to 21 years with cigarettes. I quit smoking a long time ago, but I still keep the date in sober time as a reminder. It was a really hard addiction to kick, as many of you know.
Back home from vacation finally after missing a connection at O’Hare yesterday and having to spend the night in a very hot Chicago. I have a couple days off before having to leave again for a work trip. Probably going to lean hard on this community as such trips can be difficult to navigate as a person in somewhat early sobriety.
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and much love.
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Day 224.
Today’s word is useless. That’s how I feel about myself. The more I do and the more I try to achieve, the less I feel like I’m doing.
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What exactly are you trying to achieve my friend? Personally, the more I let go of trying to achieve stuff, the more achieved I’m feeling. I feel it’s part of learning to let go of control. To learn to be. To exist. Achievement will follow from that. In my experience and opinion. I still have a long way to go too. You are definitely NOT useless. Hugs.
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You’re killin it! Great work!
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@Alisa @Juli1
I walk a lot. I have a special trail I walk everyday, almost no matter the weather. I think I’ve shared it in some pictures here before. It amazingly beautiful no matter the season, and I never get tired of it.
It’s not so much that I do it to unwind or relax, I do my best thinking walking there. And I take my time, love to watch the nature, the animals, talk to the trees (They like it, we’re friends) and just watch everything along the way.
I just have to walk there. I miss it if I don’t do it.
Swimming would be harder, I love water, I’m a good swimmer but my village doesn’t have anywhere to swim.
But I guess I’ll figure something out. Currently I’m playing Stardew valley. I’ve been playing for years but not that much.
I’m sure I’ll find something out eventually, or maybe I’ll make it anyway. At least I know that I won’t be drinking even if I do want to from time to time.
Thank you for your support and ideas.
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That would’ve worked,but she works different times (She’s a nurse on an elderly home)
And I know she calls when she’s alone.
That in itself doesn’t really make me want to drink. It’s more the feeling that If I don’t talk to her when she does call, I’m responsible for her sitting all alone and miserable. I don’t want that.
But It’s a good advice otherwise.
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I have always been a walker as I love it! I feel so good afterwards and it is great for your body. I too look around and appreciate nature and my surroundings. 
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I dance in the kitchen every time I’m cooking. There’s no other way. And yes I use the utensils as a microphone too.
My kids says that I Dance like a crazy pelican 
And it’s most definitely the boogyman in the basement. Well maybe not. The potential ghosts or monsters doesn’t scare me. The living real people do. But I don’t go there after dark anyway, just because it’s dark. I’ve always been afraid of the dark. And it’s nothing I’m going to challenge. The ideas in itself is great, the real plans for the basement is a gaming room. Preferably for Nintendo.
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It does. And it gives you more time to actually do look around,than biking or running. I’m slow, and I like to do things slow and carefully (unless I have to talk, because that usually goes to fast even for me, so I stumble on my own words )
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