Thank you 
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Day 1
I relapsed on my DOC and Iām in the midst of a small panic attack. I had one week clean from weed and something happened at work and then I did the same amount I usually would and went way overboard.
Im worried I went too far and I wonāt ever be normal again. I have work in 5 hours and I just pray Iāll be ok then. This feeling is awful and I donāt want to use again. Iām going to throw it away.
Why do I do this to myself just when things are going well?
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Day 250.
Thatās a cool number.
Anyway, checking in from the dark bottomless pit of my ongoing nervous breakdown. Was supposed to move to the new place today but Iām burried in work and errands. Itās never-ending. Iām tired.
I gotta get out of bed. But I donāt wanna.
I want junk food. And trash telly. And for my fucking phone to stop buzzing.
Actually, I donāt want junk food. Maybe chocolate.
Update on the moth situation. There were 3 moths. I killed two, managed to catch and release the third. I feel guilty for the murders, butā¦ to my defense, they were annoyingly loud. And I DID try catching them gently first.
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Checking in 26 days AF! Itās been a busy week at work so Iām having a hard time keeping up here. TS never sleeps! 
@Dolse71 huge congrats on years sober, Paul!! Thatās amazing! Keep going! 
@DanaM56 your post made me laugh! Iām not laughing at you, but I just pictured it like an SNL skit where you walk in the room, say your lines, then turn around and walk right back out. (sometimes I create my own fun.) But Iām sorry your back is hurting, I hope you got some good rest and feel better today!! Congrats on 95 days, triple digits are right around the corner friend! Keep going!!!
@Hidden sorry youāre going through all of that. Great job getting all the chores done and staying sober one more day! My best (unsolicited) advice as you head into living alone, learn to date yourself! When I divorced and moved out on my own (with my kiddos) I had to adjust to not being with them 24/7 while they would go to their dadās. I learned to embrace that time I had to myself, rediscovered me, the things I like, how I want to spend my time. I found peace and joy in my life for the first time. Itās what Iām trying to get back to now that Iām sober. Best wishes, keep putting in the work, and it will get better!
@Just_Laura you are a busy lady! Glad the dinner crowd seemed gracious over the broken glass, Iām sure they could all read the room and see how busy you all are, mistakes are bound to happen! Shout out to the diner who let out an āOPA!ā Iām sure it lightened the mood! Hang in there today!!!
My 11yo just lost a tooth last week. I told her last year the tooth fairy wasnāt real and it was me. I SUCK at remembering- so this tooth fairy had to write so many notes, I made excuses for the tooth fairy (must have had too many teeth to collect tonight 
), I even paid interest on tooth money!!! well she complained last week that the tooth fairy hadnāt come for her tooth. I was all child, I told you Iām the tooth fairy, Iāll just give you the money. She was NOT happy with that, I was told āI donāt know why you keep saying that, youāve ruined my childhood!!!ā I laughed and said āit was this? This is what ruined your childhood?! Iāve done far worse shit then tell you the tooth fairy isnāt real, thatās just me being honest.ā The joys of parenting- So donāt ruin your daughterās childhood lol, I hope playing the tooth fairy last night went well!!
@Juli1 woohooo!!! Congrats on 20 days, Julia!! Keep going!!!
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Still sober n tired af ā¦withdrawals suck
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That is a cool number! Proud of you for not using while your going through this and it probably feels like thereās many reasons to use. Glad youāre choosing you, the one bigger more important reason to stay sober!! 
Hope you get some rest and find some energy for your move! I totally relate to junk food and trash tv! Lol sometimes I use it to bargain with myselfā¦ if you do x, y, z then you can eat junk and watch trash at xx time or xx day. Usually by the time it rolls around Iām not as interested, or I sit my ass down and enjoy it after getting shit accomplished. Also relate to the phone, at least once a week I say Iām walking down to the river to chuck my phone in!! Buzzing phone is the source of so much anxiety. 
Donāt feel bad for the murders, you gave them a chance to go peacefully. They would have moved in, not paid rent, and ate your clothes or bedding without feeling bad about it. And they were noisy houseguest!
Hang in there, Amy!!! Hope you find some relief soon!!!
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It took me timeā¦when I got sober from weed it was long. With everything I put my body through I am just thankful i dont have any problems.
Its normal to be discouraged at times, and madā¦dont hold on to the negative feelings, feel them and let them goā¦be your own best friend, be thankful and understanding towards your body. And dont underestimate it, it will get back to normal with time 
Have a great 24h. Sending you lots of love
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Have a great 24h to all of you
Sending you lots of love and positive vibes
I am grateful to have found this community
Just for today
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Omg! Thank you so much for this reply. I was partially worried people would think Iāve completely lost it with the moths thing. But you get me!
Having this forum to let out steam is a huge reason why Iām not reaching for the wine bottle. Thereās no problem alchohol canāt make worse!
Huge Congratulations on day 26! The first month is usually the hardest and youāre killing it.
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Good to see you!!!
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I get you!
Glad you are showing up here instead of the wine aisle! We got you friend!!
And thank you!! the first week was tough, the rest has kinda flown by. Life has been busy and I havenāt had any real desire to drink. I knew I needed to quit drinking months ago, and deep down I wanted to. Similar to when I divorced my first husband. I knew it was coming for months, so when I finally said it and made that decision there was no turning back. This time I divorced Jack Daniels, it was months in the making so Iām sure of that decision. I know a lot of people struggle on here, so I donāt like saying much about how it hasnāt really been hard for me. But Iām staying mindful that it could get hard months from now. I know my addict brain is waiting for me to get comfortable and 6 months from now pop up and be all itās cool, go ahead and have a drink. Iām deeply aware it wonāt always be easy, but Iām also deeply aware itās worth it. So ODAAT. Thank you again for your kind words and celebration!
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Hey all, checking in on day 1194. I hope everybody has a good one!
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1566
Nice roadtrip yesterday. The temperature was back to 100F/37C so we cut our afternoon hike short. Visited some friends after. People will offer me a beer automatically which I just as automatically reject. Never again.
Hope you are all having as good a day as you can friends. Sober and clean. Love from the Hill Country.
@Dolse71 Huge congrats Paul. Thatās an enormous feat. Thanks for being here.
@calgary5577 Good you are throwing it away but why did you have it in the first place? Please next time when you get the urge to use come here first and share. It may help. We may help.
Now off we go. New day new start, canāt change the past but we can shape today. Weāre in this together 
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Hello everyone & thanks for checking in @JazzyS!
I am doing pretty good. My son has an ear infection (he has narrow tubes and his ear drums and never fully clear, so its an going thing with the ears) which means night wake ups and Im a bit more tired.
Court was Monday and we had a judge say (shes new): the best interest of this child is for the family to keep custody and childrens services to help them do that, even if the child does not reside in their home. His level of disability AND the cost of his care should not result in the family losing custody of this chuld. She came down on CPS and it was like wow. Never has anyone stood for us thst we should not have to lose custody. Been told its how it is.
Then next day talking to CPS supervisor said ānothing has really changedā the judges endorsement doesnt really mean anything because its just like āshe wants the world to be a better placeā (WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Pretty sure thats not the level of expertise judges bring to shit), and now they are offering us to take full custody and they will offer support. But according to them ānothing has changedā and they still have to operate āwithin the confines of the systemā and they dont like it either. Waaaaah. Just ridiculous. I got very upset during that conversation and the supervisor could not understand WHY i was upset, but was getting upset herself lioe I was personally attacking her. She has an issue witj taking things personally, getting emotional and saying things like āits not my faultā. She actually told me I was making her feel bad and all I was doing was asking: WHERE DID TJIS NEW āOPTIONā SUDDENLY COME FROM??? Iām sorry but the fact that you cannpt separate your OWN emotions from the job you are doing is not my problem, and it makes you a liability here because you are getting defensive about YOU instead of speaking to the actual issue. This woman has said things to me like āyou cant imagine how traumatizing it is for US to have to take a child out of a foster home and move themā like I should understand it isnt easy fpr them eitherā¦honey PLEASE DO NOT trying to be gaining empathy here from me or to try to put our experiences on the same level. It is super distasteful and NOT professional. I tjink she is trying to connect, but she comes off centering her own emptions as if they are comprable to oursā¦which is not appropriate.
Anyway, thats been my life. Out on a date night & hubby was just in the shower so wanted to check in. Want to get back to my prayers each day. I like to check in with whatever the power is that be out there, and have missed checking in here bc things have bwwn busy 
Happy 24 everyone!
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Day 6.
Feeling better.
Back to work next week.
Hubby still sick.
Taking good care of ourselves is everything.
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Day 110. Mood still extremely low but I have managed a shower, got dressed and went to the supermarket to stock up on ready meals for the kids. That was after wallowing in bed for hours this morning.My appetite is rubbish at the moment which the antidepressants may worsen but so long as I drink enough water I hope to be ok. In fact Iām going to make a pot of tea right now.
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Checking in on day 71, itās a lovely Thursday morning.Best wishes to all!
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Glad to see you checking in through all this and pushing through to take care of yourself and some daily tasks. I hope the new medication starts helping soon. 
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Willow, our rescue dog, has regressed with the stress of moving home. Itāll be finished by Sunday. Hopefully she will calm down then, but we love her anyway.
I fitted a blind in the bathroom and did some hoovering rather than thinking ālife is stressful, whereās the booze?ā
So, checking in sober.
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Day 9.
Hey all. Checking in sober. No desire to use. Feeling tired this morning. Going to take is easy and practice some self care. Good day all.
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