I totally get this. Hope something can be done about the pain.
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Oh, the amount of horrible things Iāve done or promised that never happened is immeasurable. Yet somehow these types of things(being Santa, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy, elf on the shelf bullshit) were the one thing I refused to fuck up.
Although there was one Easter I hid everything hammered and forgot where I put it all. We found surprise eggs months later! And this one Christmas I wrapped presents (hammered) as they were delivered weeks in advance. I forgot what was already there and got doubles of things on her list!
One day sheāll know itās me, but not yet. I remember when I figured it out and lost a tooth I just went to my mom like āokay, give me some money nowā!
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Thank you so much Mischa! I appreciate all your support through the journey Iām on 
Adore you right back! Xo
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Checking in before bed.
Really a great night out with hubby. Went to see Jim Jeffries and he just made me laugh so hard my face hurt. Thats a good laugh! Hubby and I also cracking jokes btw our normal serious convosā¦we always go deep when talking. Part of what I love about us and that we can laugh too.
Got home and oh how I love it here. Going over gratitude is so important, and I love how it just works its way in to the day when you"ve been practicing it.
Really have been working on myself - which is so important for everyone around me. I heard someone say once that the greatest gift they can give their children is to continue to work on themselves and I believe it to be true. I just learned what the word equanimity was a few years ago, and I can feel when I have that balanceā¦much of the last year hasnt been a lack of self control or ego, but a devastating situation that was near impossible to cope with. Putting down the alcohol again, it is truly a blessing how all the work I had put in prior and all I had learnedā¦its like riding a bike in a way. Its not like when I put down the drink at 20 and had to learn EVERYTHING about life. I didnt know how to do ANYTHING. This is more like, oh, those muscles were a bit weakened those skills not tapped in to but there is the muscle memory and its thereā¦I am deeply effected by the loss of my sister, the sore state of our justice system and feeling the weight of my nephew and families future in my hands. But I know, its not just my hands and all I can do isā¦keep going, keep pushing but not for any one outcome I feel is right because I do not actually know what is right and I cannot conteol the outcome or future. But just keep going, and TAKE CARE of myselfā¦to remember me, to know and love me and to allow this opportunity and period of growth to be worth everything it is worth, to appreciate every tiny grain of sand - the pain of it, the beauty of it. My sister was a full blown beautiful human, and she deserves beauty in her memory as she lives through us. I want to honor her, my own daughter that I lost, and the life I have and share with my family. Some days I am better at it then others, but I feel I am getting a bit better at accepting myself, to give myself grace and allow myself to feel confidence and strengthā¦that is not something I have previously understood. Strength and confidence for me have been something hard earned and yet ellusive because I had no grace for what I considered to be my faults and imperfections. So here I am, and I so deeply appreciate you all for being here and for this place and space to be here. Xo. We all deserve to find ourselves and to find our home. Do WHATEVER it takes, NEVER back down and NEVER give up. I have been in a place in my life with such discomfort where it feels like āif someone told me to run out in -30 weather in my goddamn knickers, do a fucking handstand in the snow and sing the alphabet backward JUST to get through this I wouldā¦ā and thats it. Do whatever the fuck it takes. Weāre all worth it, and we gotta throw in and go all in and I dont think Ive heard a soul yet be disappointed by going all in on themselves. Xo.
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Evening check in day 226 sober. Been very tired lately. Canāt seem to shake it. Going to bed. Good night everyone!
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Yesterday I got my 30 days again and it feels great to be in a new city with a whole new crowd of people starting over fresh the one thing Iāve never been willing to do was to leave my old playgrounds Iāve been to several detox programs and residential but Iāve never been willing to leave where I was at and I finally did it moved 3-4 hours away from my old home and in sober living got a job and enjoying being sober
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Evening Check In
Day 585
Just thought id check in since i didnt this morning. Today has been a bit over stimulating. My mom surprised me with a visit which is soooo wonderful since i rarely get to see her (maybe once every 1 1/2 - 2 years), but it was alot for me. I am quite drained and really needing rest. She will be visiting tomorrow also and then shes leaving Saturday for back home. Which is about a 2 day drive or so. Im grateful to see her though and will soak up all the time I can with her 
I didnt have THAT strong of urges to use today. They were there breifly but I was so busy today thst I easily got distracted.
Im just putting my son to bed and then will walk my mom back to her hotel. Then will do some self care before hopefully getting a good rest. Tomorrow is another busy day. Hope u all are doing well! Will try my best to catch up on the reading here. Hugs TS fam 
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Congratulations on ur 30 day chip!!! I also chose to move to get out of my old stomping groundsā¦ but I chose to move 2 provinces away from my home province. Still tho it was on of the best decisions i ever made Only downfall is that i didnt have any supports out here (and still dont to be honestā¦ other than this forum). Sounds like your really ready for change!
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Congratulations on 20 days
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Checking in
416 days no booze
34 days no tobacco
I havenāt worked in three days. Iāve spent most of that time in the wilderness. Apollo summited his first peak. He made me so proud. Banana mountain 12,326 ft. It was kind of difficult because there is no trail. The wind was so cold and fast that I burned my eyes and made me cry a few times. Itās amazing above treeline, a different kind of world. We got our share of bumps and bruises and scrapes but we made it back to civilization in one piece.
I donāt think I want to go to work anymore. If I could leave my life I would. When I grow up I want to be a mountain man. I want to disappear into the wilderness Forever.
No no. Those are all nice day dreams that I like to have. Iām trying my best to convince myself that I have to work tomorrow but I really donāt want to. Weāll see what happens.
Stay sober no matter what, itās good for us. Goodnight my friends.
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Congratulations on 7 days!!! 
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Day 368
Urgh! Why did I let addiction and Mental illness stop me getting my licenses.
Went to sit my restricted again today and failed again. Fuck it sucks. At least its fixable things to work on.
Its a mid level license, Im old enough to have had my full for years but have let addiction and MI get in the way so much. Bummed out. Going to work on it and rebook again asap. I need it for work but really need my full so incan get endorsements to operate excavators and machinery at work.
Im going to wallow for a bit. Then a lovely dinner out with my wife to celebrate my 1st AF year.
Hope everyone is doing good today, Ive been pouring a bit of time into helping other friends with addiction and home issues to lately been trying to be wary of how much energy im giving to that too so I dont burn myself out.
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Yes I am willing to do whatever it takes for once in my life Iām tired of being sick and tired and ready for a real life to be truly happy and build up a network of sober people from meetings and things like that
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Thank you. This reminded me my drivers license expires Monday and I havenāt renewed it yet 
I hope you enjoyed your celebratory dinner! Definitely earned it 
And donāt beat yourself up over failing. You just keep trying until you succeed. Youāve already accomplished a lot this year already. Be proud of that 
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so inspiring to read yāallās stories, the things we go thru and how weāre getting thru it, itās powerful to get these glimpses of your epic journeys. i appreciate being in this community for the sheer humanity of it, itās beautiful i truly thank you all 
iām grateful to end my 11th day sober in bed knowing iāll be waking up without a hangover tomorrow and i can get a bunch of important stuff done. as my focus and stamina increase so does my excitement to be organized and productive - i even bought a cute planner! 
soooooo deeply glad to be bossing up thanks to an alcohol-free lifestyle
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Julia I did the same thing. I purged my closet, purses dresser everything. I donated about 60% of the clothes in my closet. I made a promise to myself too that I had to change purses every week and wear items in my closet within three months and if I donāt I will donate as well. Itās very liberating. Welcome to the community.
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96 days no alcohol
Hell yes this week is almost over. Itās been hectic just about everyday. Finding myself distracted in the afternoons and not wanting to work. No big plans this weekend. Iām house and dog sitting for a friend so it will be low key.
Still need to make a follow up Dr appt for my back. Not sure what will be next. They were confident that the RFA would take care of the pain. Itās changed the pain. It takes me a good hour to loosen up in the morning which sucks. I like to workout on the morning but Iāve only been able to do that once.
Heading to bed but wanted to complete my nightly check in.
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@cueball8n9 sorry that youāve been so tired lately ā do hope you have a relaxing weekend ahead to catch up on rest. 226 days in the bag 
@dani725 30 day milestone! Way to go. Hell of a job of starting fresh in every aspect of your life ā wishing you well ā keep strong!
I know it does feel overwhelming but sweet too ā soak in some mom time. I do hope you get some good rest tonight (did miss you today 
)
@curtis-81 ah man āI see how much fun you and Apollo have been having. Those mountains are majestic and I too have cried once you get that high up ā its such a surreal feeling. Being a mountain man sounds perfect. Work for now but it wonāt be your life forever. You are now living a addiction free lifestyle and truly anything is possible (thatās how I like to view it).
@2jtravnz Wishing you luck on getting that license. Donāt worry about the past ā you are making some positive changes now. Grateful to be celebrating your soberversary!!
HELL YEAH ā bossing up! I like that Julia ā working your week towards your 2 week milestone
Checking in on Thursday evening
274 days (AKA 9 months) free of alcohol and weed
689 days free of cigarettes
I was a laid back day. Was not very productive but all in all a wonderful day. Looking forward to another lovely day tomorrow
Hoping everyone had a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all so much love
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Early morning of day 356
Today the pregnant coworker is going to get married. Iām the only one of our team that doesnāt go to her wedding. To be brutality honest, I donāt like her enough to go there. Itās an arabic wedding with like 600 guests in a huge room. Itās loud, itās busyā¦not something I like.
She changed so much since she met her husband, sadly not to the better. Lots of poison, if you know what I mean.
Iām not the only one who sees that, but the others would never admit that. They keep everything looking perfect.
Iām not like that and maybe thatās why Iām often the one who struggles with groups of people. Iām not the people pleaser any more and others donāt like that. But I like it, Iām real.
Yeah, needed to get that off my chest before I start my day
Have a beautiful sober day friends, stay strong 
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Welp. There is 100% a mouse in my bedroom somewhere. I put my daughter to bed and both cats stayed in there, which was odd. 5 minutes later she runs out and says āthereās a mouse in my room!ā Sure enough was. It was cornered and I just wanted it out of her room, but then it went straight into mine. Followed by my mouse hunter, who has caught 3 already. She is the darkness. Black as night. A shadow monster. So I shut her in there with it for an hour and a half. Too bad my room is a trash pile and it could literally be anywhere. When I opened the door, she still stood guard while I cuddle with my doofy, clueless boy until I have to go to bed (which shoulda been a while ago)
Anyway. Great day alone at work. Got a lot of steps in. And stairs. Dentist appointments went well for us both. Then we went to get ice cream bc the shop was donating every sale today to my daughters school. Then a trip to the pet store for cat litter, but we always have to look around, obviously. They specialize in exotics. Birds, fish, reptiles, as well as all the standard mammals. Itās like a free mini zoo 
Iām tired 
But I know Iāll be jumpy as soon as the lights go out. The mouse is adorable. Its really the jump scare that gets me. I hope Kiki protects me overnight.
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