Blood tests, football, shepherds pie, winter cleaning and room visualisation for change. Run. Reading.
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Day 2) I’ve just got home from my first AA meeting. My … God. That was the first hour of calm that I’ve had in years. I haven’t felt this emotionally overwhelmed ever, I don’t think. I’ve just met some of the kindest and most welcoming people and more people asked me for my phone number than I’d ever been asked in any pub in my life.
Mark, who was sharing today told a story about how he used to buy 2 bottles of Bacardi every morning and a few gift bags so the shoppy didn’t suspect and he ended up with a car full of gift bags. And that resonated with me because I used to do the same thing - I’d buy alcohol and a chocolate bar and I remember looking in my cupboard one day and there was about 47 chocolate bars in there. I remember thinking “shall I eat them or just throw em out?” And it made me think… Funny how I would throw out the chocolate but not the alcohol.
I’m going back on Monday.
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Still night time here. Loving how quickly my dad bod stomach is going away this year by cutting booze out. Looks like it will be totally gone by Christmas 
Have a good Saturday, everyone
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356 days!!!
Started the day with two gym classes. Home now for a coffee and some (healthy, honest 
) snacks before heading out to watch a local football (soccer) match.
The weather seems to have settled down overnight, so it’s a nice day to be outside.
Happy Saturday everyone.
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Day 21! I made it through my third consecutive Friday without drinking. That’s huge for me. Pretty low-key day yesterday - worked for a bit ion the morning (Friday is normally a day off for me), went to the gym for a personal training session and then rounded out my evening by finishing Midnight Mass on Netflix (GREAT show).
This evening I’m going to a wedding, however, it’s the wedding of my Director at work so there’s no danger of me drinking. I never drink at any work-related events. It’s always been a thing for me. I’ll go to the ceremony, stay for dinner and a bit of the reception and then head home to a book I’ve been wanting to start.
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Yeah, those tricks we were making… How fckn smart we thought we were back then xd
There is nice funny thread about it
Btw. @GenG , where are you? You are missed
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Hey all, checking in on day 1224. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Another sober day.
I need to work on being affectionate and expressing love. Connecting makes me feel anxious. It’s a PTSD thing. But I’m aware.
Anyway, I’m sober, and hoping that will make my journey easier.
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Youre aware that is a beautiful thing. Best of luck on your love expressing journey 
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I think you should definitely give it to her and like you said come clean. She’ll know that you’re seriously trying if you have her hold your money. Active addiction and money are a bad combination.
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Just wanted to check in early AM. So funny to me when there is like a heaviness and myself wonders “why” or what am I doing wrong and how I can pull myself away.
Sometimes discomfort cannot be avoided. Discomfort, hard feelings, shit days sometimes cannot be avoided. Its how we go theough them.
I just went through my Sept of my daughters birth & anniversary. Dealing with CPS and again the understanding of we are to keep nephew alone/no supports for his needs or have to give up custody. Horrible meeting with a lawyer. Stress about finding new job/money. And talking to criminal law office about upcoming trial. Like LOL MIRA RELAX ON YOURSELF and your tense ass muscles.
I think somewhere in my mind has always been this understanding or expectation that being okay or doing well means feeling well, and dipping away from this somehow means I am doing something wrong or an invitation to look at what I need to change to remedy low feelings. Acceptance, acceptance of reality, breating and when I am open my eyes see all the shit I am so grateful for everyday.
I am starting to see that cracks of the trauma now from my sister. No trust - assholes = nope. Nice guys = probably hiding something. Women I meet = are they secretly being abused? Like this stuff doesnt occupy my brain but i can see it under the surface. I am also certain court is going to = manslaughter reduction. Our country is HORRIBLE when it comes to murder convictions i dont fucking understand it. And just a general feeling of anger, that is hidden behind fighting for my sister and nephew. Well i dont know if its hidden, and I really feel like fuxk everyone who is judging me and how I am handling this (I know ita probably not THAT many people) but its difficult being in this position. My mom feels it too. Anyway i am rambling. I am happy to be upnorth. Going thrifting today and I am putting on false nails which isnt something I ever did my sister wore them ALL THE TIMEso everyonce and a while I throw a little pair on. It makes me completely non-functioning and there is no way I could wear them all the time LOL
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You need to give yourself a pat on the back and a great big hug. You’re doing an amazing job even if you’re having a “shit day”! I think thrifting and the fake nails sound like a excellent way to spend your day even if the nails render you non-functioning!
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Checking in
Day 615
Had quite a rough sleep last night. For some odd reason i had a flashback from a very traumatic event that kept replaying over n over n my mind. I finally did get to sleep and then had to wake up at 6am for work. So im a bit tired. I realized last night that even though i dont like the flashbacks that I get, i am not really upset over them (like I think the average normal person would be). Which sort of concerns me in a way. Either i have healed from them and they no longer upset me or maybe i have pushed the trauma so far back that it doesnt really phase me anymore. Idk honestly. I think a normal response to traumatic events would be me being much more upset over it and instead they dont bother me much at all. What does this mean? I mean they were very upsetting when it happened but now not so much. And its not like ive actively worked thru my trauma which a lot of it stems from my abusive ex or sex work. So is there something maybe wrong with me? Or maybe i just think too much and this doesnt have to be addressed. Idk lol Either way i am wondering if these unresolved traumtic events are whats subconsciously creating these cravings to use. I feel like its not normal for me to be so unbothered by the things that happened. Like its not a normal response to trauma. Anyway, I wont dwell on it too much now. Going to finish my shift and take it easy tonight. Have a great saturday everyone! 
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@danam56 glad to see you back with us here and posting. Missed seeing your check in’s. I’m sorry – I do know how hard it is to distance yourself from someone that is so toxic. I am sorry that he was able to cause any damage and please do not feel foolish or shame and above all do not feel worthless. You are a queen in your own right and have been doing so well in your journey. Do not let this ASS take any of that power away. I am grateful you blocked him (if you are on social media – block him on that too). On to new beginnings and new experiences. Hope you are able to enjoy the weekend with your friend. 
@juli1 WOW – Just WOW – 50 days’ and rocking the sober lifestyle. So amazing Jules – so very happy for how far you’ve come on your journey (physically and emotionally). Much love to you
@mindofsobermike Great job on reaching out to your counselor and med therapist. One step at a time and I know you have some great tools to utilize. I think is smart to let your mom handle the finances for school right now. Sending you strength in having the conversation with your mom- know she loves you and wants the best for you. I do hope you have a wonderful visit with your girls this weekend. Much love to you my friend. 
@wunderbar This is so amazing Chad! Way to get your 2000 days of continuous sobriety. That is a hell of a job! What an amazing inspiration. Keep going strong 
@zzz be safe on the roads—I know the first snow is the worst as many drivers have forgotten how to drive. Hope you are feeling better.
@mno so grateful that she did finally respond (I did find that to be very unprofessional). Go with your gut. It’s your journey and like you said – you are clear minded now. You can feel out what is and what isn’t working for you. Wishing you luck with the 1 on 1 session.
@marlowe 3 weeks is awesome work Rob! Sounds like a lovely day planned – enjoy your weekend!
@mira_d Oh my friend – I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug I think you are doing great in navigating through all the shit. I hate that the system is so broken. I am glad that you are out with your bestie enjoying a weekend – you deserve it. Something to make you laugh maybe – I’ve only done fake nails once when I was a teen – I was a tomboy and thought it would be fun to try – well they went flying when I was wrestling (like it really wasn’t pretty and at first he they thought that they actually tore my nail) and the boys made such a running joke about it that I never attempted them again.
@Butterflymoonwoman I don’t really like using the term normal as i am not sure that a black and white answer exists to explain what normal is. What is normal for me may not be what is normal for someone else. I am sorry for the flashbacks and rough sleep. My therapist had explained to me that if i can look back on a past memory (put myself back into that setting and time) and not feel emotionally controlled by it then i have moved on from that event. It doesn’t matter if i was working on moving on from that event or forgiving the parties involved - somehow at sometime my body and mind just let go of that particular hurt. This could be what is happening to you? You did see that therapist for that one time - were you planning to revisit or go see someone else? Happy Saturday beautiful - i do hope you get to take it easy tonight
Checking in on Saturday morning…
It has been a lovely start to the day. everything is manageable and i am going into work today (after a long time) and hopefully everything goes well. My brother just informed me that i will be doing the shift by myself. I do hope its not too busy as i don’t think my pain level will remain manageable if i have a shit ton of running around. We shall see. I am highly caffeinated so at least the fatigue will not be a issue 
Hoping everyone a wonderful addiction free day - sending you all so much love
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Good reminder - Thank You.
I feel better. Yesterday late evening and today morning was feeling sick. Feeling almost recovered now 
Have a good one too 
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Day 79
Just checking in
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Thanks Billy. I live in UK in the east-midlands, but I think Scotland got hit the worst and lives were lost 
I just got message that the organisation I volunteer for had some flood and water damage at our regional building. It’s unclear atm when we will be able to use the meeting and training rooms again. But all my colleagues got home safe last night, it took multiple hours for some to cover just a few miles, but everyone was safe in the end.
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Still sober. It might be my last day sober. Feel like I’m losing it. Received some nerves wrecking news from my family (my cousin signed out from rehab clinic on Tuesday and nobody know where is he). I feel so numb. Lonely. Anyway I prefer when my husband is not at home cause at least we are not fighting. Seems like everything is to much for me. Moments like this I wish I wouldn’t have kids. I don’t like my life right now.
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Hey love - so very sorry for all the stress and emotions that you must be experiencing right now. Drinking will not solve anything. Try to keep that message in the forefront of your mind. I do hope that they are able to find your cousin soon.
I know it’s difficult trying to deal with your own crap and be there for three toddlers. Are you able to reach out to a friend to help with the kids? I wish i could do something to help ease your burden so that you can process your feelings right now.
Sending you comfort and love my dear friend
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Day 36 and feeling good
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