Great job Wolf 
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I see lots of craves and urges and thoughts about using around. Maybe itâs the moon or the stars, for I had some too last night. I donât get those often these days. Last night I felt miserable. Group therapy left me feeling lonely and isolated, while it is supposed to help me feel more connection, to others and to myself.
The search I conducted for my own past and that of my parents and sis in the last weeks left me feeling empty and tired. Alone. Physically I didnât feel too swell either. So in bed, when I couldnât sleep and all these thoughts and feelings kept racing through my mind and body, I felt the urge to use and be gone from this world.
Recovery is building ourselves a life we donât feel the need to run from. Itâs daily work. And some days are better than others. I had a bad day yesterday, and maybe a string of not so good days before that. Sometimes itâs hard to keep going. Sometimes I want to escape into nothingness. Thatâs what I crave when an urge to use hits. A longing to not be here.
So what I need to do is keep working and keep building that life I find worth living. One day at a time. To keep looking for connection. Recognising what I need on any particular day. Deciding to rest and do nothing on a particular day is working on my recovery too. Iâm going to have as good a day as I can friends. Sober and clean. Hope you do too. Love.
@Butterflymoonwoman Keep going Dana. Nothing is worth using over. Life is still life and life sucks at times. But thereâs absolutely nothing using would make better. Congrats on 600 
Pic is Oostkapelle Beach, Zeeland, 2019. Good memories. Weâre in this together.
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Thank you for this post. Iâve read your words for many years now and they always have a way of bringing hope. I know theyâve helped me. Appreciate your honesty, transparency, vulnerability, strength and compassion. Now put that miserable day behind you and make today a much better day! Much love!
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Big hugs and deep thoughts for you when you are feeling the hurt, emptiness and aloneness you felt last night. The bad days, urges, and I cannot even imagine
you gone.
I know when you quit drinking you had felt that so much prior. Oh, if it was all so easy.. but, alas, it is not.
Deepest admiration and respect for you for your honesty about your ârecovery and discoveryâ, sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, and how sometimes, oftentimes, it is a very hard time for you personally.
As much admiration and respect for you for to keep looking and to make it a better day.. and to try for the best day that you can.
I hope today ends up being super, better, better, better, than yesterday, and that you will feel better and go to bed with a lighter heart and spirit.
Hugs for your hurts, hugs for your joys.. hugs for the bad, and hugs for the good.
Be safe and be well. Heart, mind, body. Sobriety.
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Checking in for day 342.
Been to a gym class this morning to clear the head, and now in the house with a coffee watching the rain and flooding outside.
Have a great Saturday everyone.
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Hey all, checking in on day 1210. I hope everybody has a good one!
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@Butterflymoonwoman Congratulations on 600 days. That is so great. I am sorry to hear that the addict voice is being loud right now. For sure, I have periods when I donât have a âspark or excitementâ for recovery. That zeal you feel when everything is improving rapidly is impossible to maintain. It is a bit like falling in love I think. You canât be crazy in love forever. It has to change into a quieter kind of companionship. But that is when you start missing the craziness of first love. I can understand your fears, but I truly believe that because you had that experience 14 years ago, you wonât let it happen again. I donât know what your previous clean time was like, but your growth this time that I have seen has been inspiring.
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Happy birthday! I love sober birthdays! May the next year be fulfilling and joyful!
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Day 1022,
Went to the soccer match of my son. My father and man of my brother also came. Now at my ex place were my son is taking a shower. She has stress because she might not be able to work anymore due to her heart problems. Laid my hand on her shoulders to sought her. Donât know why, just the way Iâm I geus. My stress levels are very high within myself. Going to my parents this afternoon for diner. My brother will join there as well, putting a lot of pressure on me. Iâm tired of explaining how Iâm doing. Appetite is still low, the emotions are blocking me. Just asked my ex how I look, she says good. I often ask people how I look due to my insecurity but of course they canât look inside my head. Yesterday evening I did a self-acceptance meditation. It worked somehow since I feel a little bit more grounded. One step at a time. Iâll stop, otherwise I start rambling even more.
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@Binx @Just_Laura @JazzyS @CATMANCAM
Thank you guys. I feel a bit better but still. Have not eat food, only chocolate, drinking water and coffee. Anxiety is not new for me, but allways find new ways to fuck me up.
And just to top it all, yesterday day my husband friend which he is wisting 2 hours away from here, call me saying my husband is in hospital his lung collapsed. He is all good and safe now, in hospital.
And I feel like crap today, headaches, tired. But Im sober!
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Day 22!
Feeling good.
T.
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Sorry to hear you not feeling well @Mno. But I so appreciate your honesty. Reading your posts is always enlightening.
Hope you can have a relaxing day, take some time to relax and feel calmer. Youâve been through a lot recently.
Guess that takes its toll on you!
Huge cup of herbal tea and a long walk, usually works for me. Hope you find something which works for you.
Have a calm sober Saturday Menno
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Thanks for sharing this Mno!
You are not alone.
Your support here is so damn important.
Love 
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Checking in on day 87. Reading everyoneâs posts here is so helpful. Thanks, all.
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Just a hug from the south
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Thank you Eric!
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Day 8 here. I had a fantastic day and night yesterday. I walked downtown for the second day in a row (about 20 blocks and back) and picked up some new books at the Barnes & Noble in Center City. Apparently it moved to a new location, and this was my first visit to the new store. I chatted with the older gentleman who worked there and he recommended some new horror authors to me, so I walked out of there with three books.
Last night I had a little horror marathon for myself. I finally broke open my Universal Monsters BluRay set and watched Bela Lugosiâs Dracula for the first time since I was a kid. Then I randomly picked out a couple of other movies off of Prime, and ended my night falling asleep in front of the TV. Woke up this morning feeling great and not hungover. If it doesnât rain too badly today Iâm going to take another city walk.
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Thank you for your comment 
i really liked what you said here bcuz it made me realize that this is my life now⌠being clean and sober. Maybe im expecting that excitment for recovery to stay with me but thats not the case. This is just my life now with all its ups and downs. Using isnt an option anymore.
I truly feel this too 
thanks my friend for all the support u give
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@happyfeet @Louloubelle thank you all so much for your support!
@Tragicfarinelli Im glad u came back and gave recovery another try. Im so glad ur here and u know i completelt forgot about HALT. that was something I used to gocus on a lot in early recovery bcuz it helps so much and made me aware of what i was feeling. I will focus on that again and see if that helps. That and along with some self love and remind myself to be gentle with myself, showing myself self compassion, i think that would be helpful too honestly. Thank u friend!
@Mno thank u so much for ur encouragement. Ur absolutely right in that nothing is worth using over. I have to remember that using doesnt solve anything, it makes things 100x worse. My mind has been i guess trying to see the benefit of using (all lies) but what u said really hit me bcuz i needed that reminder. Thank u
@misokatsu i dont remember much from my previous clean time but i do remember white knuckling a good portion of it. And now that i think about it, this time in recovery has been much better in many aspects. I see alot more growth within myself and have accomplished much more this time in recovery, than i had in the past. I like how u compared recovery to a first love sort of situation. Eventually things do calm down and i feel like i may be at that stage a bit. Maybe instead of picking apart my recovery and wondering whats wrong with it, i need to focus on whats good about it and embrace it thank you my friend 
@danam56 Happy Happy Birthday to you!!!
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@rastana 1 month of freedom is amazing! Keep up the amazing work! 
@pattycake pumpkin carving is always a fall favority â share pictures please
@hopedealer2 2 week milestone is amazing! Love the support of the fellowship 
Keep stacking on them days!
@juli1 how are you doing today Jules? I do hope the swim helped. Good to hear that your skin calmed down some. Hope you were able to get a good nights rest.
@deelzebub Yeah to feeling less anxious⌠hope this trend continues. Great job on choosing water instead Hope pizza night is a success.
@mindofsobermike Love that the meds are helping and super happy to see you treating yourself. You deserve it! I do hope you are able to complete your school work and concentrate your time this weekend with your girls
@jennyh UGH so sorry that the radio at gym is so damn triggering. I do try to always go in with headphones as I feel this keeps others from talking to me (LOL â my introvert side shining through)⌠I am grateful that you wonât drink â just super sorry that a place where you go to find relief ended with urges instead.
@butterflymoonwoman 600 days!!! Fantastic work Dana. A milestone is whatever we make it. This number feels like a huge deal because it is! Should be super proud. Share your embroidery piece with us â so amazing that you are helping with the online auction.
@holysquid 7 months!! So awesome love â way to go with your bad self! Keep rocking the sober life! OH Dana - just saw your other post - i am so sorry that this demon is holding so strong. I know that when milestone malady is a big thing and also when you havenât given time for yourself to meditate then your defenses are down. I do love everything that Stella had to say in her post. Now that you are in your recovery with 600 days - its good to focus more time on you and getting yourself grounded / centered (filling the hole that your DOC aches for). I believe this comes from self care and self love.
@galen_82 WOW 30 days! You should be super proud of how far you have come. I am sorry you are feeling left out. I do know that once you get stronger in your sobriety then you will be able to go into a pub on occasion and not drink (so many places now have a slew of non alcoholic beverages available). Personally, I donât feel like I gave up something so much as gained so much more cause now I can go out once in a while and still be alert and awake to drive home safely and enjoy the next day without wasting it with a hangover.
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