Got some good sleep Had a good morning/afternoon. My daughters father was able to make it to town in time to get her off the bus (usually he picks her up from my parents). He recently switched jobs and I havenāt received child support since so I brought it up and he said, for the 4th week in a row, heās working on it.
Then, out of no where, he asked if he would be able to claim our daughter on his taxes. I didnāt think that made any sense since heās only been employed since June, plus Iām the custodial parent. He kept trying to argue how it made more sense and most of it would go to me bc of past due child support. I said no and right before they left he used the bathroom. I walked them out and came back in to a broken toilet. Handle snapped right off.
I immediately assumed he did it on purpose out of spite. He didnāt answer when I called. I canāt prove it, but I know how he is. Petty. Idk. I could be wrong but it put me in a bad mood right before work. It didnāt last long tho. Work makes me happy. Even tho it was deathly slow.
Itās pretty late, even for me, so Iām off to bed and able to sleep in as long as I want Hallelujah
Firstly, congratulations on 600 days, thatās amazing. You had joined this community and got clean probably about 60 days or so ahead of me when I last got clean. I would have about 540 odd days now if I hadnāt taken the fuck it bucket to the beach. Im on 13 days now again and I am in the flushes of first love with sobriety again, but donāt get me wrong I have urges too. I just wanted to say that you are doing it, you are day to day kicking ass.
I would also be interested to see what others say to you, those with some heavy numbers behind their sobrietyā¦ It sounds as if maybe you need to look at HALT perhaps and apply some self love to reward your efforts around your sobriety? A bit of you time?
I see lots of craves and urges and thoughts about using around. Maybe itās the moon or the stars, for I had some too last night. I donāt get those often these days. Last night I felt miserable. Group therapy left me feeling lonely and isolated, while it is supposed to help me feel more connection, to others and to myself.
The search I conducted for my own past and that of my parents and sis in the last weeks left me feeling empty and tired. Alone. Physically I didnāt feel too swell either. So in bed, when I couldnāt sleep and all these thoughts and feelings kept racing through my mind and body, I felt the urge to use and be gone from this world.
Recovery is building ourselves a life we donāt feel the need to run from. Itās daily work. And some days are better than others. I had a bad day yesterday, and maybe a string of not so good days before that. Sometimes itās hard to keep going. Sometimes I want to escape into nothingness. Thatās what I crave when an urge to use hits. A longing to not be here.
So what I need to do is keep working and keep building that life I find worth living. One day at a time. To keep looking for connection. Recognising what I need on any particular day. Deciding to rest and do nothing on a particular day is working on my recovery too. Iām going to have as good a day as I can friends. Sober and clean. Hope you do too. Love.
@Butterflymoonwoman Keep going Dana. Nothing is worth using over. Life is still life and life sucks at times. But thereās absolutely nothing using would make better. Congrats on 600
Pic is Oostkapelle Beach, Zeeland, 2019. Good memories. Weāre in this together.
Thank you for this post. Iāve read your words for many years now and they always have a way of bringing hope. I know theyāve helped me. Appreciate your honesty, transparency, vulnerability, strength and compassion. Now put that miserable day behind you and make today a much better day! Much love!
Big hugs and deep thoughts for you when you are feeling the hurt, emptiness and aloneness you felt last night. The bad days, urges, and I cannot even imagine
you gone.
I know when you quit drinking you had felt that so much prior. Oh, if it was all so easyā¦ but, alas, it is not.
Deepest admiration and respect for you for your honesty about your ārecovery and discoveryā, sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, and how sometimes, oftentimes, it is a very hard time for you personally.
As much admiration and respect for you for to keep looking and to make it a better dayā¦ and to try for the best day that you can.
I hope today ends up being super, better, better, better, than yesterday, and that you will feel better and go to bed with a lighter heart and spirit.
Hugs for your hurts, hugs for your joysā¦ hugs for the bad, and hugs for the good.
Had a good morning/afternoon. My daughters father was able to make it to town in time to get her off the bus (usually he picks her up from my parents). He recently switched jobs and I havenāt received child support since so I brought it up and he said, for the 4th week in a row, heās working on it.
Hallelujah 
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